The Wives have spoken. Let’s get into it.
First I want to share my perspective when I was a wife. I know men do what they do at times, I’m not naive. And not to get too much into my personal past, I do feel my then-husband could have handled things better. I think if a husband OR a wife is going to partake in extracurricular activities, there needs to be some ground rules, kind of similar to TJ’s rules for being the side person. Now, this is just my personal opinion and I am not advocating for married people to explore outside of their relationship, but if they choose to do so, here’s what to consider:
If you still want to be married, do not let your actions or decisions negatively impact your home. You still need to think about your partner and do things you normally do, like date nights, family time, and just doing things that keep you connected to each other.
NEVER put your side time above your married time. If you entertain an outside relationship, whatever plans you have with that person do not override any plans, or even last-minute plans, with your spouse. For instance, if you had dinner plans with your side person, but then your spouse wants to do something that same evening, then you need to put your spouse first. Although, you also need to let that other person know that plans have changed, don’t just leave them hanging. You see, if you are going to juggle people like that, you still need to be transparent about your moves.
NO BABIES. Do not bring any babies home. I feel like this rule is very self-explanatory, so I’m not going to get into the implications of an outside pregnancy.
Do not get your feelings too involved. This may be hard to do because when you are getting to know someone and you are intimate with them, feelings are inevitable, but you have to know when to pull yourself back and draw the line so it does not interfere with your marriage.
Do not let the person know too much about your home life or your marriage. Just like with no. 4, as you are getting to know someone, you may share details about yourself, but try not to get too detailed about what goes on in your marriage or in your home. The main thing you should be sharing is that you are married and/or very much involved in family activities. Your side person should never know your spouse’s routines or schedules or any specific details. You’ve got to compartmentalize your relationship and the only one worth protecting is your marriage. And if you ever have issues or problems in your home, you keep that to yourself and only discuss them with your trusted friends and family.
So these are my 5 rules. What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Now let’s get to some of your comments. One reader stated that a husband cheating is not a deal breaker and as long as no one comes to your doorstep and the home is still cared for, then there should be no problems. I agree with this. Another reader said that if you are the type to step out of your marriage, you should never have gotten married, and I empathize with this statement, but the reality is, that people are going to do what they do, you just need to have some standards and rules to it. There was one reader that stood out. She shared 3 things to do or not do as a wife who has a husband who wonders. We are going to call her “Wifey”. Wifey says that she has been married for 8 years and she has no proof, but she knows her husband plays around a little. Here is what she says to keep her home at peace and her marriage thriving.
When he leaves the house, don’t ask too many questions because if he is doing something with another woman, his answers will not align or make much sense, and then your mind will wander and you’ll start second-guessing everything. Wifey says all she does when her husband goes out is tell him she loves him, to have fun, and to keep his phone handy if she needs him. And she also says that as a husband, he needs to answer his phone when his wife calls or texts, but she also says she’s not one who calls or texts all the time. Wifey says she lets her husband be, and if it starts to get too late or past the time he said he was going to be home, then she starts to call.
Never check phones or emails. I agree with this too no matter your relationship with someone, I do not care to look through your phone. Wifey says this is just as bad as asking too many questions. It will drive you crazy if you find something that looks suspicious, so just avoid it altogether.
Wifey says, he is still your husband, so treat him as such especially if you love him and want to keep your marriage. The marriage may not be perfect, and you will have arguments, but she says she and her husband still make time for just the two so they don’t forget or lose the love they have for each other. - I think this last one is very important for any married couple whether or not someone is stepping out. You two have to grow with each other and keep learning from each other. If a couple met when they were younger and have been together for many years, there will be changes in how you think and move, and act, but you and your spouse have to keep the communication going so that you continue to understand each other through the years.
I like Wifey’s standards. I think this is a very mature and reasonable point of view. Marriage can be difficult to navigate and maintain, but I think as long as you still want it, you have to keep taking care of it. Don’t just abandon your marriage. Don’t stop doing things for your spouse, don’t stop talking and listening to each other. And even when you disagree, don’t put someone else over your spouse. You two are not going to see eye to eye on everything, but you still have to do your best to make compromises and sacrifices for the security of your marriage, family, and home. If you are going to be a spouse who has other relations, you first have to be a spouse who is disciplined enough not to allow outside people to interfere with your marriage. What are all your thoughts about this?
Be safe everyone.
