Depression

As more years go by, I am realizing how important mental health is. For some reason it is still a taboo topic and many people avoid addressing it or make it seem like mental health issues doesn’t exist. From personal experience…THEY DO EXSIST.

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About 3/4 years ago I fell into a funk. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to see people or go out, and it was a struggle for me to get out of bed, but here was the thing…nothing was going wrong in my life. Work was great, family was great, friends were great, everything was GREAT. So what was wrong with me?!

For a long time, I was one of those people who didn’t believe in depression. I once believed that it was just an excuse people used to lay around all day and ignore phone calls…I was wrong. (Although, I do think people exhaust their conditions to avoid certain responsibilities.)

Yes, there is a neurological problem that causes your moods and energy levels to shift or be low, but you can still function through it. There is a self motivation element that one needs to have to overcome these challenges. You may have people to tell you to snap out of your funk or encourage you to be happy about what you have or what you achieved, but it doesn't change anything if you don't “feel like it". YOU have to want to pull yourself out of it. After being in denial and knowing I didn't want to continue to feel like this, I had to force myself to “get better" and to redirect my mind towards a more healthy routine.

For me it is “Seasonal Depression” when the weather changes with the hours of the day and it gets darker sooner, so around the winter months. I sometimes face it in the early spring as well, but it’s more prominent between August and January. I struggle to smile, to do things I normally do like fun things with the kids or catching up with friends. I even get very short with people at work and all I want to do is stay in bed all day. I feel empty.

*Also, I should mention that when I do go through these bouts, I have to assess whether it is an imbalance or if there is something really bothering me that is affecting my mood and behavior. I can sometimes take on the feelings of others, their problems, their struggles, etc. and it dwells in my mind; things that do not directly effect me, but I still feel some sort of attachment to whatever someone I care about is going through. It’s called transference in psychology and it’s like a transfer of energy.

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When I finally accepted my mental health issue, I vehemently decided NOT to take any prescription medications. I was discussing my state of mind with a colleague and she advised me on supplemental vitamins that she uses. I began to take the vitamins right away and noticed a MAJOR difference in my moods. (Consult with your doctor. Each supplement is hyperlink for further details. Brands vary.)

Magnesium: Helps boost energy and fight depression

ADB5 Plus: Helps adrenal functions and balancing hormones

St. John's Forte: Helps with mild depression symptoms, stress, and anxiety.

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Now, that it has been a few years, I don't always take all these together or even every day, however I do take them consistently when I feel like I’m sinking further and cannot seem to pull myself up on my own. I learned to pay close attention to my body and moods and sometimes I'll just take the magnesium depending on my imbalance. Other times I take nothing because I learned to divert my mind to something that keeps me proactive and productive.

I also became more active with writing down affirmations for myself.

Hey, life is a mess at times and we never know what to expect or how we’ll handle tough situations, but somehow, someway, we have to keep going.


 
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How To Trust

Okay, so let me start by saying: Some of your comments and emails in regards to my last post were ENTERTAINING! You all are crazy and I love it And people who come on here just to see what I'm doing, I love you too!

Many of you asked if I’d ever share specific details about the man I am seeing and the initial answer is, No. I will only share to a certain limit because it’s not only my privacy, it is also his (Oh, but he has said for me to write about our….never mind, I can’t even bring myself to type out the words. How do I even begin to go into details about how he snatched me the first time and how he’s had his way with me every time thereafter….and this is not about to be a Zane novel. 👀)

Other questions you asked were about TRUST:

  • “How do you know you can trust him?”

  • “How do you allow yourself to trust someone after not being in a relationship for so long?”

  • “Don’t you have doubts?”

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There is no simple answer I can give, the only thing I can say with confidence is that I know what he is showing me and I know who I am and where I am at in life. 📣 I believe trust has more to do with yourself than the other person; Where are you in life? Are you in a good mental space to welcome someone in with open arms without any disdain, judgment, criticism or ridicule? Over the years, I’ve learned much of who I truly am and I’m comfortable with her. If ________ and I did not reconnect a few months ago, I’d still be living wonderfully. I am fully aware of my value and what I will and will not tolerate. Not to be conceited, but I’m a GREAT person. I’m good to people, I like people to enjoy themselves when they are around me, I work hard, I volunteer, I do the most for my kids, I support my loved ones, and I require time to myself. I am not going to stick around if I sense I am not being appreciated and I am definitely holding him accountable for his behaviors. Here are some examples:

  1. One time I met him out, but he had to quickly run an errand right before I arrived. He sent me a text to let me know he had to do something would return as soon as possible (I didn’t see the text a first) and then he called to see if I got the message to make sure I knew what was going on. — As simple as this gesture may have been, it spoke volumes to me. It let me know that he didn’t want me to think that he bailed out or have me upset that he was not there when I arrived.

  2. Another time we were out together, we were sitting beside each other and having a very personal conversation as if no one else was around us (there were plenty of people around us). — He'll do this often and tell me things to remind me that he's completely interested in me and how he loves that I'm able to be engulfed with who he is...Yet, in reality, who he is isn’t too far different than who I am. When you do and say things you’re not used to, but it doesn’t feel like it’s changing your core, then it’s because that’s always been part of your personality, it’s just been waiting to be awakened.

  3. At least twice he has mentioned to me that if I am ever uncomfortable about something he is doing then he wants me to let him know and he will make adjustments. He wholeheartedly wants me to realize that at the end of the day, it’s just me and him, it’s us and if I say I’m now okay with something then he’ll make changes so that I am okay. — He doesn’t have to be so open with me about this, but he is and I love that.

  4. He introduces me to everyone he knows, whether they are friends, associates, or colleagues. — I admire that he acknowledges me in a way that lets me know he actively wants me to be involved in his surroundings and environment.

  5. I’m not sure how to explain this one, but sometimes it seems like we’re the same person; either that or he's really paying attention to what I'm saying and paying even more attention to what I'm not saying. — He'll make a comment and it will be exactly what I wanted to hear. Or I'll make a comment and he’ll give me a look with a nod of pure admiration.

    (Sometimes I feel like he comes on here from time to time. I don't mind if he does and if he is I like that he’s low-key taking time to learn about my thoughts and it's pretty clever of him to do. He'll mention something that will be reminiscent of my opinions or humor and I just think to myself, “Is he reading or is it the fact that we kind of do think a like? I won’t ask, I sort of like having that wonder. — I believe there should always be some type of intrigue of mystery between two people, not to be confused with damaging secrecy or lies. Don’t get yourself fcked up and lose a good thing.)

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So if the main questions are: Do I trust him?Yes, I do. Am I taking a big risk? — Well…YAH! Anytime you deal with matters of the heart, you are taking a risk, and with knowing a little of his history it can possibly be a growing experience for both of us and how we manage things. Do I have adverse thoughts in the back of my mind?Of course I do, there is always that annoying voice that says “But what if he…?” I do not allow those thoughts to consume me and he is not giving me any reason to doubt what he feels about me. No, we can never be certain what someone is thinking, what they are doing when they are not around us, and if what they are telling us is the truth, but what we can be certain of is what we are willing to experience with someone. I'm not just here for the highs, I'm here for the lows too, that’s what we sign up for when we decide on relationships and like I said in my last post: I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen. So I am open to embarking on this direction with him.

Through people I know, I’ve watched relationships bloom and I've watched many fail. The ones that have been successful are the ones where both people are open to understanding one another, understanding each other’s passions, dreams, values, goals, strengths, dislikes, flaws, pet peeves, and being able to discuss any adversities without holding grudges. ________ and I are still in the beginning stages. We may not be new to each other, but we are learning new things about one another on a different level…it has been interesting.

I will admit a behavior I know I need to work on and that is pushing people away when I'm upset and not talking about what bothers me. I tend to internalize things. Sometimes when I get frustrated, there is a very aggressive side of me that I am not proud of and I resort to using demoralizing phrases with a condescending tone. I don't want to push him away, so I have to make sure I catch myself to keep from causing any unnecessary strain between us, especially since this is the first time in a very long time that I'm allowing someone to get this close to me. I’m sure he has his voids too and I’m sure we'll have our not so great moments, but if we want this, we'll work through any challenges that may face us.

I'll close out with this:

Love isn't just a four letter word that makes you feel warm, excited, happy, and wanted. Love is an action, a choice to act. Whether you are casually dating or in a committed union, it's what your partner does or doesn't do that affects your sentiments towards them.


 
*But don't stop giving me L&A. I still love it even if I'm skeptical at times.

*But don't stop giving me L&A. I still love it even if I'm skeptical at times.

*Forgot to add Forehead Kisses and Playing in My Hair.

*Forgot to add Forehead Kisses and Playing in My Hair.

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*Texting him, emailing him, calling him, it’s all the same…lol. I’m sorry kids, Auntie Ray is not your role model!

*Texting him, emailing him, calling him, it’s all the same…lol. I’m sorry kids, Auntie Ray is not your role model!

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*Let's skip the children part. I’m not having anymore babies and my kids are not too far from being adults. Plus, I hated that feeling/pain when the milk came in, so many shirts have been ruined! I know all moms understand what I'm talking about. 😫

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You Should Open Up More

This may be the most personal thing I ever write on here…

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You’ve ever close yourself off to people? Not because you are antisocial, but in the sense that you don’t trust someone to know you completely and if they do, then you don’t trust how they’ll handle what they know about you. Because we know people can change like the seasons, it can be hard to allow someone to see all of you especially if you’ve been disappointed many times before…I don’t even have 1 friend or family member who knows EVERYTHING about me, I choose what I share about myself to each person in my life.

In the passed weeks, maybe a little over a month, I allowed myself to…open up more. I decided to take a little risk and when I finally let go a little bit, I began to learn new things about myself and to be honest I’m quite surprised with my own behavior lately 🙈. I’m thinking things I’ve never thought of before, saying things I’ve never said before, and doing things I’ve never done 🙉🙊…I don’t know who this “me” is, but I like her.

Yet, this change wasn’t without some influence from a person I have known for years.

Do you ever wonder why things happen the way they do? Why things fall apart? Why things take so long? And why this time now is different? STOP IT. These questions have been circling in my head constantly this passed month or so and there is no answer I can give myself that makes any real sense. When good things happen, you just have to accept what is occurring right now and take it all in. — Don’t think about the “whys”.

When I look at this person (whom shall remain nameless) I see someone who has been in my life for a long time, but due to certain incidences we didn’t communicate with one another for about 6 months (the longest we ever went without speaking in all the years we’ve known each other), somehow an old message got redelivered and we began to interact again. The first few exchanges were simple...How have you been? How are things? What have you been up to?…things like that. I still maintained a distance because I was not sure where his thoughts were, where he was at in life, and I brushed off anything that didn’t seem clear to my understanding of what I already knew of him. Our conversations became silly and entertaining as if it were two childhood friends hanging out through texting. He’d send certain messages that would catch me off guard and make me wonder what his real interest with me was (I think I told him once to erase any memories of private details he knew of me 😂). It was like this for a few weeks…mind you, we still have not physically seen each other at this point…he did invite me a out few times to come meet some people, but I was hesitant and I decided to stay in. Then not long after he asked me if I was available that I am welcome to come by a lounge and hang out with him and a few friends on Sunday. I was still reluctant at first because again, we’ve not seen each other in a long time, our last experience with one another was not the best and I saw a side of him that left me wondering, Who did I really know? — I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready for us to come back in each other’s lives, but then I thought, Why not? We’d be out and around other people I know and I should just enjoy the time with everyone. And it felt good to have him invite me. — I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding him 😣.

Here’s a side note: Even though this year was unexpected, I still strived through and kept my peace of mind going. I focused on what I need to focus on and let go of things that wasn’t keeping me on the right path of good energy or taking me away from my values. So when what seemed to be out of no where, someone whom I’ve not spoken to in a long time presents a demeanor that I’ve not seen before, it raises eyebrows and it’s like, “Hold up just a second Sir, where are you coming from, where have you been and what do you want? My life is great, I have my weekly routines: I moisturize my skin, paint my nails, and deep condition my hair on certain days, I like to read and play vinyls, I hang out with my kids, so don’t come in here and fck sh*t up.” 👀 — This was my knee jerk reaction. (I’m not too high maintenance, but I still maintain.)

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The initial weekend plans changed a little. We instead saw each other on Saturday which I was not expecting. I figured he already had his weekend laid out and that I would see him on Sunday, so it was a surprise to see a message come through asking what I was doing and saying to me, “If you want me to come out, I can.” — So many times in our recent communication, I would look at my phone, pause, take in a small breath of air, do a blank stare, and think, “Where is this attention coming from? Does he know he’s talking to me? Is he bored?” 🤔

I was nervous to see him, I didn’t know how we were going to act towards each other, if we’d embrace each other, or if there would be some tainted residue from when we last saw each other. — But, there wasn’t any animosity when we were finally face to face, we gave each other a hug and headed out for the evening. We enjoyed ourselves. He either stood or sat by me throughout the night and was giving me compliments and asking if I needed anything. It almost reminded me of the night we first met, but this time seemed…different. I didn't know what to make of him and I kept asking myself, “What is going on with him? What is he up to?” At the close of the night, we did have a little heart to heart. He surprised me with some of his actions and a few things he mentioned made me start to see what his intentions are with me…he’s never behaved or spoken to me like this before which made me wonder even more about what’s going on in his head. 😳

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Since that Saturday, our dialogue shifted slightly, still with the silly conversations, but with the addition to other topics of interest. There is now a version on him I’m seeing that he claims has always been there 😂. This version is reminiscent of who he was when I first met him, but more heightened. He is showing a very dominant aspect of him I’ve never seen before, but he is also very attentive, affectionate, and keeps reassuring me that he’s placing me on a certain level that he wants to protect and keep respecting. It’s like the way he speaks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he handles me, my thoughts are saying, 📣 “Girl, let that man in your life! Forget about whatever you saw before and let him show you who he wants to be for you!“ It’s like I’m battling with myself over this and one of my good friends is always saying to me, “Why won’t you let anyone love you?” I’ve yet to tell her about my recent escapades, but once she reads this, my phone is going to be blowing up! (And just so none of you gets confused, this man and I never dated in the past, he is not an ex, so I’m not recycling old feelings.)

Our interactions publicly have been great, I’m sure people see us together and have their speculations and I’m in the mood of “Let them think what they want”. He and I are in the same playing field when it comes to people having interest in us. I can see the allure of how women look at him or what they may want from him, but neither of us are the possessive or jealous and things that he’s already disclosed to me about other women he’s been involved with doesn’t bother me at all. — If he’s not rekindling anything with them or giving any woman the effort that he is showing me, then why should I be fazed? 🤨 If someone wants to get bold, then it's on him to address those individuals and if there is anything I am upset about, we’ll discuss it in private. He can hug someone (respectfully), chat with her, even get her a drink; we are both people-persons which means we make small talk with anyone and enjoy ourselves. I don’t care to look at his phone, I don’t care to ask where he’s at all the time, and it doesn’t make me feel any different towards him if we aren’t always calling or texting each other. We both have busy schedules and like our mental space, even if he’s out with his friends or around other people, that is still his own time that he needs to keep being himself.

One thing you should understand about people, those who take good care of themselves are able to take good care of others. -- I want to be good to him and him, me.

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Okay, so I won’t go too much into the details, but I’ll crack the window just a little this time…The private interactions between him and myself have been…well, I’ve yet to find the words to expound on the things we say to each other when no one is around without being too revealing and again, my thoughts are like, 📢 “Bitch! LET. THAT. MAN. TELL. YOU. AND. LET. HIM. SHOW. YOU!” This man has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. It’s almost like I have two personalities 🙃. My inner voice keeps talking to me: “What is going on here? Are we really doing this? Girl, did you just say that, who are you!? Are we going all the way there?! Did you just let him do that?! What are we doing?! Don’t tell him No! Let him fcking do it! Tell him what you feel! Say it louder!” 😳 Honestly, I’m at the point where he can call me Bitch (in a non-mean way) and I won’t even flinch…You see, I’m not from this generation where everything is so sensitive…I grew up listening to music about selling hard drugs and knowing how to love on women, these kids are listening to music about doing hard drugs and running through women, we are NOT the same…and let me also mention, that song WAP is nothing compared to Oochie Wally.

Back to the person who I won’t mention his name, our aura has been very relaxed, but I think that has much to do with who we are individually…Fam, I even wore sweatpants around him. FCKN SWEATPANTS, A TANK TOP AND SLIDES — IN PUBLIC — WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE ME! No one sees me in my casual look unless I’m out volunteering and even then I’m wearing leggings, a fitted t-shirt, and Timberlands. People who have known me for 20+ years have never seen me in sweats, it’s almost as rare as seeing me in jeans. I don’t even run errands in sweatpants! Who the fck am I right now?! 🤨 I could be wrong and this could all be a foolish game to him, but I do feel like he won’t do anything to harm me or interfere what we have going on right now and I’m not hung up on things other women may be hung up on. If he wants me to stay in his life, he’ll make choices to be sure I don’t go anywhere and he knows I love it when his hands are on me. It’s a whole different feeling when he touches me, whether in public or in private; and when we lock eyes, I only see and feel him.— 🔊 But listen though and don’t judge me….almost every day since the Saturday we first saw each other again, I randomly find myself sitting on the edge of my subconscious dangling my legs off the cliff and I’m just looking over on all of our interactions lately. Every scene is replaying as if I’m watching an old Hollywood movie and I’m being more intrigued every time I watch because I’m catching details that I missed the first time. And I hate that I keep asking myself….Wtf is going on right now?! 😂

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It’s hard to process all the “What ifs” in life, but if you don’t ever let your guard down, how will you ever experience what could be the best feelings you've ever known? Don’t you owe yourself that pleasure? I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen and my guard is definitely descending. — Lawd, please don’t push me off this cliff without a parachute. 😫


 
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