I Love You But...

I'd like to be with someone I enjoy sharing my life with but, also leaves me alone most of the time.

Over recent years I've created my own space which I love.  This doesn't mean I am not willing to open my time to someone, he just needs to be open to who I am.

No, I'm not planning to gallivant with many men or hoe myself around.  I don't even do that now.  No, I will be loyal to him and as accommodating to our relationship as we see comfortable for one another.

In a marriage, you are still TWO separate people coming together as a union.  You are not becoming ONE person.  My needs are just as important as yours.  Do not make a decision about our household or our family without my input or even considering my input.  Do not feel that what you say or think holds more weight than what I say or think.  

Just because a woman may take her husband's last name does not mean he has the only say.  He is the leader, yes but, even a good leader listens to his community.  I want my husband to confide in me, take comfort with me, ask for my advice, listen to my sorrows, ease my pain, and not walk away from me.  One of the biggest heartaches you can feel is feeling alone when your are not supposed to be.

My next relationship will be a bit more challenging because not only have I grown from a young mindset, I am also bringing 2 children in the mix and if he has any, then we will definitely need to discuss how to blend our families.  For the most part, I expect it to be trial and error but, if he and I want it to work then we will see through any and all errors for the sake of love.

I went back and read a post I published in 2015 about what I don't want from a man, my list remains the same today….

Things I will not accept from a man before he has potential to become my husband. 

• While dating, he does not invite me to places outside his home - No explanation necessary.

• He does not give me my space - We are individuals, I will already have things in place that I must tend to without him. Don't be disgruntled about it.

• He is controlling - We both have thoughts and opinions, he should be open to mine as I am open to his.

• He is needy - I will cater to the one I am involved with but, I will not be at his every beckoned call. If you knew how to take care of yourself before me, then the benefit of me is to assist, not to assume all your needs.

• His truth is not his real truth - He can tell me anything, I have no reason not to believe him until he gives me a reason, just do not sugar coat anything.

• He does not know how to be around children - If my kids don't like him, neither do I.

• He is not personable - I am social, if we are out, he cannot be on the wall

• He does not plan for ANYTHING - I am a planner, especially when it comes to events, surprises, trips, night outs, etc. I do not want to have to do this all the time.

• He is not money conscious - I work hard to maintain financial stability, he will not hinder that for me or expect me to finance BOTH our lives.

• He cannot cook - I cook, he should too.

• He does not like or understand my wayward humor - I say things that may be inappropriate just for laughs, if you take offense, then he will never understand me.

• He does not make me laugh - Don't be a bummer.

• You were not my friend first - The foundation starts here, don't try to skip over this.

Gold Digging Clarified

This is one of the funniest statements I've ever heard! It's mean but, here is perspective...and read fully before catching an attitude towards me thinking I'm being arrogant or stuck-up.

In high school and a little time afterwards, "Call Center" jobs were the ones to get. (Mainly with credit card companies.) If you remember MBNA, you were the business if you worked there. I worked there and I worked at Discover Card at different times. At a young age this was considered a good job; reasonable hours, good benefits, and you can earn commission if you get the caller to purchase some type of protection plan or program.

Fast forward to the present, the salary of an average call center representative cannot afford 85% of my lifestyle.  I cannot speak for everyone but, much of the middle class home has graduated to the upper middle class status and expenses have only increased.

This is not about "Call-Center Salaries" I have nothing against call center jobs nor is this about making 6 figures a year, a person can still do well with 50K-65K if they manage their money well.  

No. This is about men who automatically think a woman is looking for his finances to be well endowed.  Yes, it is good for a woman to know whether or not you can handle your own expenses and if she were to be added to your life, could you afford both of your expenses?  Not assuming she does not have her own income. I know several women who could spend thousands without blinking, they just choose to live humbly. 

Sir, analyze your salary before making this assumptions of a woman's intentions for your bankroll.  Sitchoass down.

P.S. I don't come across men like this anymore, my last laugh at this was in my early 20s. Yet, that is not to say after 30 everyone has their shit together.  I'm still trying to balance all the dynamics of my life but, one thing I have learned about myself is that I am not going to allow a man to believe that I need him to survive.  NO SIR.  If you are stable under your own definition, that's wonderful but, don't think that every woman is trying to benefit off your stability.

Then again if we refer to "traditions", a man is expected to be stable enough to take care of a wife, home, and family.  Sometimes men, whom are actually well off, just attract women who want to be taken care of.  I guess it all depends on what a man sees suitable for him.  If his mentality is very traditional then my argument is really directed to those who have a conflict with what they classify as materialistic women.  But then don't be a materialistic man with a materialistic attitude.  Especially if your lifestyle is all smoke and mirrors.

Times Up #MeToo

I've been reading about the Times Up movement and all the statements and articles that have been publicized.  I do agree that men should know their limits with women, I also believe they should not abuse their authority to obtain anything they want from women.

BUT....

There are still so many women who play on the fantasies with men.  The Times Up Movement is not for woman who just had a bad date or no longer interested in the a man she once allowed to knock her off in the men's bathroom at a nightclub.

No, the Movement is for those who did not have a voice when they were being violated by men of a certain stature.

Yet, I do want to mention that society plays a part in today's sexual influence; advertising food, cars, and events with half naked women.  Everything we see is highly sexualized...I mean, have you seen some of these middle-schoolers today?!  Does this excuse a man to act as he wants?  Fck no. But women need to know where to draw the line as well. 

Yes, I expect to get some backlash about this because there are flaws on both sides of the spectrum.

I've always preached that women need to hold themselves to a high degree of intelligence, professionalism, and discipline.  We CAN get what we want without laying down.  But if you want to be a hoe, go ahead and let you freak flag fly, sweetheart.  Just remember, there are consequences to your behavior.

If you decided to use your body to get ahead, how do you expect men to view you?  If you continue to allow a man to mistreat you or demand certain activities from you, why would he think that you feel wronged?  Even if the actions are morally or ethically wrong, if it is allowed to continue, what value do you have for yourself? When do you say, “Enough, I am not going to let him do this to me anymore!”?  As I read some of the stories, I wondered about their self-esteem, about their lifestyle choices, and the people around them who turned an eye.

This is not to bash women, I understand a woman being scared, feeling like no one will believe her, thinking nothing will change, or hoping that agreeing to certain advances will grant her other opportunities.  I do believe that some of these women who came forward did not have a voice at the time.  Sometimes when a woman is wronged, her basic knowledge of relationships or interactions with men is compromised; she shuts down and will not discuss anything until she feels it necessary.

But understand this...

WE WOMEN ARE A LOT MORE POWERFUL THAN SOME WANT US TO BELIEVE.

And when we band together....You betta pray your name isn't on the list.

There was a story about a medical professional abusing young gymnasts is BEYOND disgusting.  My opinions on men like that are extremely vexed.  This type of abuse of power is demeaning to our human understanding of medical professionals and their responsibility to keep us healthy.

When you use your authority to wield towards your benefit, NO, that is not justifiable.