Professional vs. Reality

October 30, 2024

"If you are work in the service industry and treat other service industry people badly, you are the worst type of person."

"If you only order Tito's at a cocktail bar, you're on that wyte people shit."

"You can't have class and be rude to people who are serving you."

"My job doesn't offer a 401K, but I opened an IRA because I'm not a basic bitch."

"People, if you got dental insurance, please get your mouth fixed!"

"Nothing worse than people who treat service people wrong."

"You can't do baldheaded hoodrat shit and expect people to look at you with class."

"If you know you out of your element, go somewhere else and stick to what you do know."

"People who go out and order just Tito's go to ATL and Miami and think that's being cultured. Girl bye!"

"People who order Tito's are the same people who order Casamigos and think they ballin. Lames."

"If you got a good gig, you should know how to act."

"It's always a bum working at the bottom who try to treat people like they are the bottom."

"If you are work in the service industry and treat other service industry people badly, you are the worst type of person." - "If you only order Tito's at a cocktail bar, you're on that wyte people shit." - "You can't have class and be rude to people who are serving you." - "My job doesn't offer a 401K, but I opened an IRA because I'm not a basic bitch." - "People, if you got dental insurance, please get your mouth fixed!" - "Nothing worse than people who treat service people wrong." - "You can't do baldheaded hoodrat shit and expect people to look at you with class." - "If you know you out of your element, go somewhere else and stick to what you do know." - "People who go out and order just Tito's go to ATL and Miami and think that's being cultured. Girl bye!" - "People who order Tito's are the same people who order Casamigos and think they ballin. Lames." - "If you got a good gig, you should know how to act." - "It's always a bum working at the bottom who try to treat people like they are the bottom." -

“Some People Think They Are Professional… Until The Pressure Gets High.”

Do we all have medical insurance and retirement accounts here? 401ks and IRAs? If you do, I hope you are proud of yourself and feel blessed, because there’s people who have certain jobs and cannot afford to have those things or do not have the means to attain those things. Having insurance and money aside puts you in a different class in life…but that doesn’t mean you always have class. You guys have a hint on where I'm going with this topic?

I told you I have a group of bar friends, yes? Some own bars, some are managers, some are bartenders, and some are servers. Most of them are student working through their undergrad or in graduate school to they work for some extra cash. I speak with them pretty frequently and they've gotten very comfortable with me to where they’ll confide in me about various things like their personal lives, work advice, and the things that they experience in the bar scene like people who are drunk and get out of line, but what really gets me is when they tell me about sober people who act a certain way towards them.

First let me say, I love my bar friends, they're good to me and they look out for me so when I hear about people mistreating them or giving them a hard time, that bothers me. So some of them were telling me about a person who comes in from time to time and orders Tito's vodka and salt. Now, first of all, this is a cocktail bar not a dive bar, order a crafted cocktail, that's what the bar is known for. That’s the first thing the bar friends pointed out and said that person is really out of their element. The next thing they mentioned was how the person speaks to the staff which isn't friendly or pleasant and that’s the most classless way to be. Like don’t be dismissive of people in the service industry, you are a horrible human being if you're like this. I don’t know who this person is, the bar friends didn't give me identifying details, but they don’t care for the person at all, and being as good as they are with customer service tactics they still do their best to accommodate this individual and I applaud them for that.

Professionalism isn't just for corporate America or people with office jobs. Professionalism is a part of all of our realities. And with class, you either got it or you don’t no matter who you are or what you do for a living. The bar friends told me about another person they they are no deeming and not a good person. Again they did not give me any identifying details, they just said that this particular individual seemed like a good and honorable person and they liked severing this individual. So, I don’t know what happened, but something occured the last time that person came to the bar to where the staff now will not interact with the person like how they used to. I don’t know if this person did something disrespectful or said something rude to one of the staff or displayed themself in a poor manner, I don’t know and I did not ask for any details that wasn’t volunteer to me. All I know is, the moment you step outside of your home, you are a representation of yourself, and not only what you believe yourself to be, but also who you want others to perceive you. And although many times professionalism relates to working environments, it also relates to how you conduct yourself outside of those environments. I talk about values all the time like what they are and how often to stick to them, but you should also consider your integrity and ethics. Are you maintaining good integrity and ethics and would people say that about you?

A few months ago, there was a judge in Georgia who was arrest outside of a nightclub for her conduct against police officers. At first people were giving their input stating that when you work in certain professions, you still need to carry yourself a certain way. But as more information came out, it was shared that the judge had been under review by the ethics committee due to some of her questionable case rulings. This brings about another point towards integrity and professionalism. No matter what you do for a living, you still have to abide by the expectation of your job duties, this may require more education or hands on training.

Let’s say for example, you work in the restaurant industry. And if someone you don’t like comes in and sits in your section, you as a “Professional” still need to display good customer service and not do anything to ruin their experience at the restaurant especially if that job is part of your livelihood. But if you are willing to risk it, then you may need to rethink your life choices. I have friends in the restaurant business to, it’s all still part of the service industry, and again they are owners, managers, or part of the staff and they share their horror stories of not only bad customers, but bad workers too who just really have not grasped the idea of being professional and knowledgeable of the expectations on and off the clock. You have to understand, even when you are not working, what you do can affect your job or career.

I’ve mentioned plenty of times that I’m not saint and nothing I’ve done is always perfect. So don’t think that I’m sitting on my pedal stool telling you how you should act. There’s been several times I’ve acted out of character, and you know what? The people who know me know that if and when I act out it was because I stayed dormant and held something in for too long. That doesn’t justify or excuse anything, but my loved ones know I maintain a certain demeanor and when I step outside that demeanor, they know something is wrong. Although, I am cognizant enough to know where to draw the line before it impacts my livelihood and if I’m not cognizant, then I’m around people who are cognizant because my circle of friends all have stable jobs or careers and have a lot to lose, so we will look out for each other.

Overall, no we should not be hindered or influenced by what people say or think of us. And I cannot speak for any of you, but I’d rather have people think and say good things about me which means, I need to showcase my better qualities to the world. Do you agree?

Be safe everyone.

Hidden

October 20, 2024

“I’m Thinking Of You, I Know You’re Thinking Of Me Too.”

Do you remember a few topics ago where one of you sent a message talking about checking up on an ex or someone you used to be involved with? This topic is going to be in relation to that. There are so many ways to check in on people these days without directly contacting them, but there is a fallacy to that. When you don’t directly speak to the person, you don’t really know if what you are seeing or hearing is accurate. I tell you guys all the time, what you see on here or any of my other platforms does not 100% reflect the actual details of my life.

I don’t think I have anyone who's checking on me through any of my platforms or through any other sources. I’ve really not been surprised by anyone in a long time, and that would surprise me if anyone is going out of their way to see what I’m doing, well aside from the petty people who want to find something nasty to say about me, other than that, these days there’s not too much that people do that really makes me lose my words.

Is there someone you guys keep tabs on? It can be something simple like checking to see what they are doing with themselves since you last spoke with them or if they’ve gotten married, divorced, moved, or some type of major life change. I don’t think it’s odd if you do that every now and then, BUT if you are constantly or routinely checking in on someone, maybe you just need to reach out to them. Why stay hidden? That person could be wondering about you to. You’ll never know unless you take that chance. Just like with one of the readers, JK, she ran into an ex, agreed to have lunch with him, they caught up on each other’s lives and now they are trying to rekindle a new romance. There’s nothing wrong with re-loving someone you used to love. Does that make sense? If there is someone who crosses your mind more than once a week, just call them. What is the hesitation? What are you afraid of? The only fear you should have is the fear of not knowing what could happen. Communication can settle many things, just be honest and transparent with your intentions.

Just like how I mentioned in the last topic, whoever I get involved with, I am going to lay it all out for him, what I will and won’t accept, what my limits and boundaries are, and what my main priorities are. I am no longer going to hide my feelings about something especially if it’s negatively impacting me. And I’d want him to share the same things with me, let me know what you have going on so I know your limitations and let’s figure out how to be cohesive together.

And even though I am saying all this, I’m still not going to approach a man with my interest towards him, he still has to break the ice on that. I am a firm believer that a man is the leader, he’s the one that takes charge. I like a sure man, and a sure man is going to let me know if he likes me and wants to see more of me and that’s when I decide if I want him too. I also like a confident man; I’m a confident woman. I like a man who is of good echelon, who believes in acts of service and being gracious to people and the community and who also understands the importance of having good character, but how will I know any of this if a man isn’t going to speak up and let me know I’m on his mind? And even if I don’t feel the same about him, a confident man won’t let it bruise his ego and feel some type of way against me, he’ll still be a good person about it and just step away without any resentment.

…..

Audio Suggested: I started watching Scandal, I know I’m very late to this. I’m only on the second season. I’ll admit it’s well written. The one thing that I’m really intrigued by is Olivia Pope’s dynamic with the President. Yes, they have a salacious affair, but it’s very clear that they care about each other even when they aren't getting along. There’s scenes where they are arguing, just picking at each other, but at the end of it they give into each other because they want to look out for each other and they have this pent up frustration because they can't be with each other like a normal couple.

Both of them have done things to hurt each other, but they can’t seem to let each other go. And it’s not only because they care for one another, but it’s also because they are in the same environment and and have the same circles. So in one way or another they are going to interact. It’s not like they are volunteering to go somewhere knowing they will see each other. Both their lives and the people they know overlap so it’s by default that they are indirectly and directly in each other’s lives. Both characters are attractive, powerful, and highly intelligent. They can choose to be involved with anyone, but for whatever reason they still fall back to each other. It's not like the main character in the Reasonable Doubt show where Jax fooled with men below her weight class. — Like girl, you are a high profile lawyer and you're sleeping with these type of men?

Fellas, it’s the same for you too. If you are in a certain tax bracket or make a certain salary with a nice investment portfolio, and a mortgage or even children in high school or college, you’ve got an honorable circle of friends, you yourself is very smart and have taken yourself through a lot of difficult life challenges, and you’ve climbed the blue or white collar ladder, then don’t link yourself with someone who chasing minimum wage and not even on a management track or in some type of program to improve their skills set or their paycheck. Let them figure out their lives, you can check back with them in a few years and if they're still in the same place, keep moving. Those type of people are just for the moment and nothing more because they are never going to be able to keep up with you until they step up and until then you’ll end up being their source of dependency. Know your worth ladies and gentlemen.

Olivia Pope knew her worth. Granted she got herself is some mess and I may be speaking too soon because again, I’m just starting season two. But so far, she seems to get involved with men who are within the same echelon as herself. And yes, there's drama, but where there's love there's drama.

But what I love about Olivia's character and also triggered by it is that she still protects her lover even during the times when he doesn't protect her and during times she's not sleeping with him. And those of you who watched the show will probably say, “Well, that's her job.” And you're not wrong, and this is why the writing is good. She exercises extreme discretion about her relationship with the lover, so far in the show she has not told anyone she was sleeping with him, but a few people did know because they found out other way, but even then, she doesn’t go into the details about her relationship, and I applaud that. There are times where you see her struggling with her emotions between the man she loves vs. what she should be doing for herself and her career. She even tries to distract herself by getting involved with other men and you still see her protect what she had with the lover. You see her sacrifice her feelings and make heartbreaking decisions just to continue to protect the man she cares about and to keep herself at bay. That resonated with me.

How relatable is this too any of you ladies? I don’t know how many times I kept my thoughts and feelings hidden just to protect the image of a man or protect the sanctity of what I shared with a man, while he was doing whatever he wanted and not realizing how he himself was subsequently damaging his own image, but yet I still did and said things to protect him. How many of you ladies have experienced this? It’s because when you love, you love too much and sometimes people don't know what to do with that. In my case, I was never great at telling a man I cared a lot for him. I would just get upset when I felt he didn't notice how much I was investing into him and of course that was always misinterpreted; that's something I need to be aware of and work on with whoever I decide to get involved with next.

Okay, we've derailed too much. Back to the original thought. If someone is constantly on your mind and if you keep checking on them indirectly, just go talk to them. Especially if you're a man, take the lead and tell that woman you still care about her, even if all you do is just stay friends. At least let her know you're in her corner and part of her support circle. I can’t speak for everyone, but hearing something like that would mean so much to me.

Be safe everyone.

Reality Damage

October 10, 2024

“I Don’t Need Someone Perfect. I Just Want Someone Who Tries.”

You know what I noticed? And I’ve realized that I am doing it more and more now. I talk to my guy friends like they are my boyfriends or lovers. I call them baby, sweetheart. Sometimes I tell them I love them. I compliment them, I give them praises, I hug on them, and always show my excitement and happiness when I see them. Is this odd? If there was someone just watching or listening to how I interact with my fellas, they would think I am in a relationship and fully in love with my guy friends. Though the reality is, I do love them. I admire them, and I am so taken by them.

This past weekend my laptop crashed and I panicked. I called up one of my fellas and sent him a picture of my laptop and asked him what to do. He reassured me that everything was okay and to just wait for it to reboot. When my laptop finally restored itself, I frantically looked through my files to make sure all my research work was still there and I came across an old folder with pictures of times I’ve shared with my guys. Tell my why I instantly started getting emotional! - Here’s the thing with me, I don’t take myself too seriously that I hide my love or grace for people.

After looking through those photos, I reached out to a few of the fellas and just poured so much love on to them. And they poured it right back to me which made me get even more emotional! They are my babies, even though they are fully grown men and all of them older than me, they’re mine. Once those friendships were made and the connections strengthened over the years, yeah, they are mine. I will support and defend them always.

But the thing that I wonder is, have my friendships with them damaged my potential relationship with possible lovers? Because I am not one to bring someone new into my life and then push my friends to the side or treat them differently. And some people do that without even realizing they do it. I am a fully self-sufficient adult, things have already been built or they are already in motion, plus I’m not a foolish man whose trying to relive his glory days, so there is no one that I will let come into my life and affect the relationships I’ve already have with people. Maybe some of you allow that to happen, but I don’t. And if I feel someone is trying to deter me from my friendships, then they’re ties with me are not going to be very strong and I definitely won’t have them around my friends.

So yeah, I guess it is affecting any possible romantic interests, but I’m not sad or bothered by it. You already know, I’m a very confident woman and never had major issues with my self-esteem, so I have no issues with being single. As a matter of fact one of me crazy-ass guy friends suggest I just get a cuddle buddy. Where I call him when I need attention and he calls me when he needs attention and we just come together for that moment, then go about our day. In theory this sounds good, but in practice is it realistic? And my friend told me no one needs to know about it and that me and whoever can look like simple friends in public, but in private we give each other what we both need. - Also, I didn’t say this to my friend, but I felt like he was alluding to someone in particular, but I didn’t take the bait, because again, is this realistic? I’m going to be honest, if I’m sleeping with someone in private, I don’t want to see him out in public and there’s a woman all over him. I don’t want to sleep with a hoe or a man who doesn’t show discipline. Like if I’m not hanging on you and I’m the one sleeping with you, no other woman should either. - Am I wrong for this?

But, I have to refer back to how I am with my guy friends and how I am very affectionate towards them, of course I’m not kissing on them or lusting on them (like there’s one who looks like my previous lover and I’m affection towards him, but I’m not in his face), yet sometimes it can look like I’m fooling with my guy friends because of the endearment I show them and the endearment they show me. You know what, I think now when people ask me why I’m single, I’m not going to give them the whole speech of how I’ve been able to doing things on my own, I’m just going to tell them, “It’s because I won’t let go of my fellas.” And I know that will bother a lot of men, but hey I’m honest about it, right? I’m letting you know where I draw the line. And if drawing that line is an issue for someone, then let it be an issue for them, because I’m not damaging my friendships for anyone. Most of you already know, I am not a traditional relationship woman. If it’s not feasible or practical, than I’m not going to be interested very long, no matter how good of a man you may seem to be - because baby, we all have our flaws, I’m just telling you mine from the beginning. There several things that take precedence before a romantic relationship and here’s the list:

Family
Self
Career/Business/School
Valued Friendships
Lovers (hey, at least a man is in the top 5)

But this is my list and my reality, it is damaged? Have I allowed to be damaged? My answer to both of those is No. This is just what works for me. This is how I’ve been able to do what I’ve been able to do. Yes, relationships are important, but I’m going to put the relationship I have with my family, myself, my money, and my friendships first. So maybe I should take my friend’s advice and just have someone to cuddle with when I need it, but yet how is that so different from having a lover? Because either way, he’ll need to accept the he’s not on top of my list. Well… he could count as #2 since that can be a form of selfcare. What do you all think about this?

Be safe everyone.

None of Your Friends Business

October 5, 2024

Do any of you remember the Genuwine song called, “None of your friends business” ? The song talks about not sharing the details of your relationship to other people because it’s not their business. And I agree with this…

When you share information about your partner or your personal relationships to your friends, you are giving them permissions to be part of your relationship and allow them to have opinions or give input towards it. Now, I do agree that you should have a safe space to talk about certain things with certain people, but I still do not believe you should be mentioning too much about your relationship to other people even if it’s not bad information. For instance, if I’m involved with someone, my conversations with other people will not be mainly about what’s going on in my relationship. Women are more common in doing this, they like to talk to their friends about the men in their lives, how things are going and what’s been happening. I was never really one to do that with any of my relationships. I just always felt if there were any issues, it was between me and my partner to work through. Too much outside interference can cause unnecessary problems. Even with my friends who want to vent to me about their relationships, I always give them the disclaimer that they do not have to share too much with me, but also with anything they do share, I try to look at both sides and remain a neutral party, even if I do not personally know their partner.

Sometimes when you discuss your relationship woes with people, they develop their own opinions not just about your partner, but about you too. And depending on what opinions they have, they may tend to say things negatively about you, your partner, or your relationship. Ladies, have you ever mentioned something to your girlfriends about your husband/boyfriend and then later they start treating him differently or say negative things about him? It’s natural to vent about your problems, but be mindful about what you share and how much you share AND who you share it with.

Here’s a relative example: One of my friends told me, a few other friends and people she works with about someone she met and was starting to like. We were all supportive, but then the guy she liked did something that really hurt her and she told everyone what happened. Naturally a lot of the people started developing negative thoughts about the guy, mainly because everyone wanted to be supportive of the her. She ended distancing herself from the guy for a few weeks, but recently, the she let me know that she hung out with the guy again and she did not want to tell anyone about it because she was afraid of the backlash and the judgement she would receive. I asked her if she had a good time and she said that she actually feels better that now they were able to talk freely and can be friends and move past the hurtful issue and they are now building a platonic friendship. I applauded her and told her that I was happy for her and proud of her for wanting to let go and accept good feelings for the situation. So even though she was not in a relationship with the person feelings are still feelings. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and surprise us. She did end up telling a few other people that she’s friends with the guy again and unfortunately, she did not get the same affections that she got from me. She kind of got chastised and scolded and pretty much got told that she was going to get hurt again. Mind you, no of us really know this other guy other that what we’ve been told. To be fair, I do think that guy made a bad decision that hurt someone I care about, but I do not think they are a bad person. So with this scenario, you see how sharing too much information can put you in a compromising headspace with people?

For me, if I am sharing anything about someone I am with or someone I like, at the most, I’ll just let people know that I am with someone or getting to know someone. I may share qualities about him that attracted me to him or caught my attention, but I do not go into detail about everything I know or do know how about him. Yes, I’ll tell you if I have someone special in my life, but I’m not going to tell you much about him or what we do in our personal time together. Most of my married friends share the same sentiment. I know of their spouses and maybe have met their spouses, but I do not know much details of what occurs in their marriage. It’s their marriage. Just like it’s your relationship, so you manage it how you see fit and how it works best for the two of you. Yes, you should have a safe space to talk to someone about any issues you might have in your relationship, but that person shouldn't make you feel bad or wrong with whatever you want to do and should be more of a sounding board and a sensible voice rather than telling you what to do.

Be safe everyone.

Reader Question: JK

October 2, 2024

“Stay Open To A Good Possibility”

One of you sent me the following question or dare I say dilemma. She signed of as “JK”.

Hi Raya,
I recently ran in to an ex-boyfriend. He moved back into town and I ran into him while I was out with my friends. He came up to me and asked how I was doing then asked if we can have lunch sometime. I agreed. During lunch we caught up on what has been going on with each other and it seems like we may rekindle something or it seems like he’s interested in being with me again. My hesitation is that our relationship in the past wasn’t the best. We did not agree on a lot of things and I had suspicions of him cheating on me and he had issues will opening up to me. So there was a big communication barrier between us. The last time we spoke we said really horrible things to each other. So I am reluctant to go through that again. Any advice for me? What would you do?

Dear “JK” and anyone else who may be facing something similar… think of it this way: 5 years ago was 5 years ago. That was then, this is now. Both you and him were probably in different expressions of life at the time. It’s understandable that you may be hesitant because past experiences keep us guarded and there can be triggers of bad memories, but don’t let that stop you from possibly having a good experience with someone from your past. Go into it with a fresh pair of eyes, but I do suggest that you two talk about the issues you faced previously with each other and build a new foundation of communication so that if the concerns show up this time, you two have a better idea of how to handle them. If I were in this situation, this is how I would navigate through it.

With any of my previous lovers, of course there were issues, of course we argued about different things, of course we didn’t say the nicest things to each other when we were upset… but what about now. How to we become better people if we do not take a step forward for a better sense of understanding for those who have been in our lives? I do not know if I would rekindle a romantic relationship with any of my previous lovers, but having a cordial sit down with any of them is feasible. We have to be open to the idea that people do change and there are time that people do show us ugly versions of them sometimes, but should we hold that against them until we die? Well, there are exceptions, such as if that person is abusive or dangerous, but outside of that, we should be able to have open conversations with people from our past. The athlete came into my life twice, each time was different, but both times our lives does didn’t align, I had a different vision on how I wanted to live and he did too. Even though we had love for each other, we knew that we could not coexist as a couple. And “JK” this may be something that happens with you and your ex, but you won’t know unless you open yourself up to the experience.

Life is funny like that, sometimes people come and go, sometimes people come and stay, and sometimes we have to decide who stays and who goes. I don’t know if any of my previous lovers think about me. I mean, what would they even think about if I crossed their minds? I also have not clue if I’d rekindle anything with them because that has not been presented to me, but again what did I say? “Life is funny.” - We really don’t know what we will actually do until we are faced with the decision. Everything isn’t always going to be comfortable and we don’t always know how to prepare ourselves when things are uncomfortable.

“JK”, I think your ex asking to have lunch was a great start. I also think you agreeing to meeting him was good on your part too. And it seems like what you discussed opened several possibilities for the two of you… even if it doesn’t lead to a romance. I wish you the best with whatever you decide. And if anyone else is going through something similar, I would say all the same to you. You don’t know what you are going to do until you are presented with it. Keep an open mind that things can be better, and if it get worse, you have to make a decision. But either way, open yourself up to a possibility of an experience that can be different.

Be safe everyone.