I'm Fresh, Not Fast

September 27, 2023

“Some of these people out here sound like they read at a 3rd grade level and can't think passed 8th grade. 🥴”

*The Lil Jon song I’m talking about is: THIS SONG (I’m sorry to anyone who has innocent ears).

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and we were talking about today’s music and I said that a lot of the hype music that is being put out today is “Hoe Music” and both men and women are putting it out. My playlist doesn’t have any type of that music. I listen to it when I am out, but when I am in my own space, No. And I do listen to newer artist, like Coco Jones. I LOVE that woman. I love the way she carries herself and her delivery. Like she’s not on social media bent over showing her goods to the world, like to me she doesn’t come off “Fast” like a lot of these everyday girls. I’m telling you and I’m sure many of you see it, these girls out here are showing almost everything they can, and for WHAT? But anyways, I don’t personally know Coco Jones, she may be a whole different way in private, but how she presents herself is very admirable, AND SHE’S ONLY 25. So if I am right about how she is and she keeps on the mode of classiness, I hope she reaches more success in her career. Now, if I see a video of her in the club having a twerk contest, I may rethink my thoughts about her. I’m all for people have their fun especially in their 20s, but showing it to the world is not something I advocate for.

But back to the “Hoe Music”. I don’t listen to it on my own time. One of my friends laughed at me when we were hanging out and a song came on, the beat was nice, so I was vibing to it, but then I listen to the lyrics, and I stop vibing and kind of made a face and my friend just could not stop laughing at me! The lyrics were very explicit and sexual. I’m not saying the music I grew up on was pure, I mean Nas came out with “Oochie Wally” and Lil’ Jon came out with “Ooh Na Na Naa Naa”, but songs like that were far and few in between, now it’s almost like every song that comes out is like this and it’s changing the way the younger generations think and act. Casamigos, hookah, and vape pens really got these kids in a choke hold!

I Know What I Can Offer…

But I'm not giving it to you that easily.

I’m not going to sit up here and say that I am a Saint, I am FRESH, I fully admit that, but I am not FAST. And many of you probably know what I mean when I say that, at least I hope so. I’m easy to talk to and you can pretty much talk to me about any topic, but if I am not sleeping with you or don’t want to sleep with you, then it’s just a conversation. I don’t get excited when random men compliment me or give me special attention. I’m not new to it, so many times I just go with the flow when men approach me, I laugh and I engage in the topics, but I have a limit to how far I’m going to go with someone. One of my friends told me that sometimes men think they are doing better then they actually are with a women because she seems to be having a good time and enjoying your company. And I can understand that, but my friend also said that a Gentleman notices if a woman isn’t receptive to him and doesn’t do or say anything to make her uncomfortable. And I like that, I think I have met a lot of men, but I’ve not come across a lot of GENTLEMAN. And a gentleman knows when a woman is not FAST, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t entertain the fast women every now and again, he just treats them differently. Only the men who lack emotional intelligence treat fast women as if they are classy women because they only pay attention to the external and not the woman's values. I said what I said. And women can go through phases of being fast and get past it, but until she get over the phase in her life, just know her actions and attitude isn't going to be where it needs to be for a healthy relationship.

When I go out, I'm not out to be FAST. In other words, I’m not out to meet anyone or to go home with someone or to take someone home with me. I’m not going out for attention or to boost my ego, my self-esteem, or validation. And I have days where I’ll go out and be out for hours, but then I’ll be in the house and not seen for weeks. So if you know me and see me out, you'll have to take advantage of that time because there's no telling when I’ll be in the streets again. 😁

Remember when I mentioned Method Man in the post titled, “The Grown Attitude”? Where he shares his sentiments of getting older and accepting your reality, not being tainted by it or wanting to avoid it, but welcoming your more mature life and what comes with it. Being FAST is not fitting to my life or even fitting to who I am. But I am single, unattached, and I guess I’m attractive to some people, so being FRESH is enough fun for me.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

Not In The Mood

September 22, 2023

“I am not someone who becomes instant bestfriends with a person I really don’t know too well.”

You’ve got to pay attention to your moods and how they change depending on circumstances and people. I am still facing highs and lows with my energy levels. When it’s up, I am more social, I reach out to people, and I am just very free flowing and more active with friends. When it’s down, I’m quiet, reserved, and distant, BUT I also become that way when I have a full schedule of tasks ahead of me. And I’ve realized that’s when people can get confused with my personality.

Do you ever just don’t want to do anything? Some of my friends who have known me along time know how to pull me out of the house. Other people still haven't found that finesse. Many of my longtime friends are granted more grace and patience than my newer acquaintances, mainly because my longtime friends have seen me in different stages of life or have witnessed me go through different experiences.

Recently, I had to be very clear with two separate people of the lines they cannot cross. These are newer people who have yet to learn my tolerance levels, but if I do not set the boundaries then they won’t know when to stop and that will further cause issues in my communications with them.

The first person met me during a brief time where my workload was very light and I had a lot of energy. The problem is, she thought this is how I always am and that I would continue to be available to hang out with her on a consistent basis. So when I became less available, she became more insistent in trying to find a way to keep developing our new friendship (many of you know, this was a poor move on her part). For example, she would try to invite herself to my home or ask me what I am doing later on that day she can impose herself into my schedule somehow. I began to reach out to her and respond to her less and less to a point where I did not have any communication with her for several months. I ran into her a few evenings ago while I was out just having a few cocktails by myself and again, she kept trying to impose herself into my schedule asking what my workload looks like and what my plans are for the weekend making suggestions that she is free or can make herself available. She also expressed that she was upset I did not let her know I was out. I finally just told her, when I am home working or studying, I do not want company. Even when I am home and not doing anything, I still may not want company. I also mentioned it’s the same sentiment when I step out and not notify anyone of my plans. Hopefully, she understands, but only time will tell.

The second person I had to spell out my boundaries to is actually someone I met through other friends who I am closer to. To kind of give you a clearer picture of the friendship dynamic, he is part of a large group of people that have been friends since college. I am the newer person to this group even though I’m almost 10 years in with knowing them and I did not start to really become friends with the person until earlier this year. And the issue is that our mutual friends have always spoken highly of me over the years and told him that I am a fun person to hangout with. This person also lives closer to me than our mutual friends do, so I think that maybe he got the impression that we will hang out more often because we live closer to each other, which is not the case.

I started noticing the problem when I did not respond to some of his text messages which then led to him sending messages that really rubbed me the wrong way. Here’s the thing, when you don’t hear from me for a few days, don’t send me an aggressive text message because you don’t like the fact I have not been in communication with you. You don’t know what’s going on in my life so sending an unfriendly message isn’t going to work well in your favor and it’s not going to make me want to hang out with you any sooner. And because we do have mutual friends, I have not told our mutual friends about him, because I am not in the habit of telling on people, unless it gets to a very uncomfortable point. My thought on this person is, “Yeah, I’m close to your friends who have also become my friends, but that doesn’t automatically mean I am going to be close to you.” I told him that I held back from responding to him a certain way when I saw his messages and told him to keep in mind that he and I are not that close and my main focus isn’t him. I said it in the friendliest way I could and the only reason for that is because of the relationships I value with our mutual friends. I don’t want him to feel some type of way against me if we happen to all hang out together one evening.

With both people, I felt pressured and misunderstood and it has developed a certain bias towards both of them. I do not have a solid friendship with either one of them to expect me to incorporate them into my life more often. I am a fun person to be around and I make new acquaintances all the time. The ones who meet me when my energy is up and when my mood is great, they see a side of me that they want to keep seeing which isn’t realistic. Just because we had a great time out, doesn’t mean I am always available to do it again or even want to. And just because you may live close to me, doesn’t mean you will start being my go-to person if and when I want company.

My life is already abundant, so incorporating new people into it can be a challenge, but I am not going to go out of my way to spend time with someone who seems to be forcing a friendship with me. My moods are personal. They affect the way I act towards people. If you become someone I do not want to have a close bond with or someone who does not respect my time and my space, then I am going to communicate with you less and less.

When you start to notice things about people that make you second guess them, don’t ignore it because then you keep yourself open to having more and more questionable experiences with them. And that doesn’t benefit you, nor does it benefit them. So you have to be mindful of your instant moods when you see someone’s name come across your phone or when you see them in person.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

Guardian Angels

September 17, 2023

“Being spiritual is believing beyond yourself. When our loved ones warn us of our poor decisions, maybe it's one of our Guardian Angels speaking through them.”

I don’t know what you guys believe in and I am not pushing you to believe in anything I believe in, so please do not think I want pushing my own agendas onto you.

So my origin belief is Buddhism which is a karama based religion where you put out into the world what you want back and you do on to others what you want done to you, things like that. The religion also believes in reincarnation and what you do in this life determines who or what you will become in the next life. With me being raised in an American society, I have adopted some Christian beliefs, which I think all religion ties into each other in some form. “Love thy Neighbor” - is that not one of the 10 Commandments that are supposed to help us shape our character? But I am not going to get into that tyraid of how people should be, or at the very least, how I think they should be.

I fully believe in an afterlife, whether that is Heaven or Hell or whether I become someone else in another life, I believe we go somewhere. But I also believe that while I am here now, there is purpose for me even if I don’t know it. Not neccessaily purpose in what I do for a living, but purpose in my interactions and connections with people I come across. Think about your life. Can you think of how many people you have spoken to? How many people you learned from? How many people you taught something to? Don’t just think of the positive outcomes, think of the latter too.

In my life, I know I have affected people. I know I have made people happy, feel important, and feel loved. I also know that I have hurt people, dissappointed them, and made them feel like an afterthought. I know I have people who will defend me, no questions asked, there’s people who will support me under certain conditions, and then there’s people who instantly get upset when my name is brought up. But with everything I have done or said, I have learned something about myself. What about you? Do you learn something about yourself periodically or are you perfect? In which case, why are you here?

And in believing what I believe, I also believe I have a team of Guardian Angels who are designated to me to guide me through my different obstacles in life whether it’s dealing with work, business, family, friends, or matters of the heart. Maybe one of them is my grandmother, or maybe they were sent by my granddmother or other people who have passed that want me to be taken care of. I had a previous lover who passed traggically and who has appeared in my dreams a few times. Before his passing, our very last conversation with each other was catching up about our lives, how we were both doing and what goals we wanted to achieve. Each time he shows up in my dreams we have those same types of conversations and I wake up feeling a sense of hope and love. I have no doubt he looks in me from time to time. ❤️😇

To My People Who Care For Me…

I am not perfect. I am always learning and going through changes. For those who see me from a distance and those who stick by me even when I not being my best, I pray you have the same types of people watching and caring over you too. - Love, Raya L. ❤️

I have so many people who love and care about me, who think about me, who ask about me, and who keep track of me even when I don’t know it. 📌 So anything that is poorly perceived of me is a judgement someone made because they felt a disadvantage from me being present. I have no control over that. My confidence exudes, I am not apologetic about it. 📌 If you believe what you hear about me, go hear it again. If you know me and if you pay attention to how I carry myself, you will know if what you heard is real or something people assumed who also want you to assume the same things. I do not make assumptions, I observe and make calculations and I have learned that people tend to get very defensive when I am right, or at least when they don’t like being wrong or called out, I notice that too. I watch how people move. People are creatures of habit and do not stray too far away from their instinctive behaviors.

I listen to my intuition a lot, but what if it’s not all my own intuition? What if it’s a divine source that’s giving me notice or warning? Letting me know I am heading the right direction OR I need to rethink my moves. There’s been many times I do not listen to warnings and still carry on with not so great decisions, but I still remain here, intact, and a stronger individual. Is that the work of my Angels? Do they have a plan to carry out for me? Because I have been in circumstances that could have broken me to pieces and turned me into an person no one wants to be around, but I am not.

So we may not know why we are here or why we meet the people we meet, but I am certain that everything happens for a reason and the universe always knows what it’s doing. I also know that my Gaurdian Angels sometimes grow weary of me and my antics, but I am confident I am still around and still have the connections I have with people because either they have purpose in my life or I have purpose in theirs, or a mix of both. 😇 Or in someway, we are living Guardian Angels for each other.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

Reader Input: Girl...Talk to ALL of THEM!

September 13, 2023

“I like cat and mouse games, but I have to be interested in you first.”

I know I have both men and women who come here because of the private messages I get from many of you, but more recently I have received so many messages from women sharing their dating stories and other experiences with men. So I do not know if this is a newer generation thing, but a few of you are telling me to talk to all the men who are interested in me and only get close to the one who stands out the most.

Okay, okay, those of you who are new here, you may have not picked up on this, but for the rest of you…You know I have strong morals, I may do certain things that are up for moral debate and I may say certain things in theory, but in practice I’m not out there like that.

People Say I Act Funny

Because I don't like to be bothered with every day. And I don’t like to be questioned why.

I’m someone who believes that sticking to your morals and values is what grants you the most blessings, but I’m not going to sit up here and say I've never done anything that was frowned upon. I’ve been in a situation where I didn't know certain pieces of information about someone and in lieu of it, I did things against my morals. But, since then I’ve prayed on it and I’ve forgiven myself and I do not regret anything that has transpired because I did have a lot of great times and through that experience and the experiences surrounding it, my views have changed about men…everything happens for a reason. And with that, I can’t let disappointments taint me or my abilities to be at peace and be happy. That’s a testament of my growth. People will be who they want to be, you decide how you want to be around them.

I say all of that to say that we can go through things that shape us to thinking and behaving in a way that we never thought we would. Although, I still cannot see myself having interest in more than one man. Don’t get me wrong, there are men I speak to who have interest in me, but the feelings are not mutual, so I keep a respectable distance with what I do and say to around them.

But hey, if this is what women are doing these days, don’t let me stop you from being great! I just cannot see myself going through my phone and having multiple conversations of “So what are you doing this weekend?” just to try to decide who I want to spend more time with. It seems like some of you ladies are ruthless. One of you went on 3 different dates with 3 different men in one week! Ma’am, I salute you, live your best life! So I’m just going to go through what some of you women have shared with me:

Talk to all the men, they’re doing the same thing with us!
- That may be true, but it would not make me feel good to do that. Sometimes I get irritated when my phone goes off too much, so it would be too much tedious time wasted to share my interest to multiple people.
I met up with a man on Saturday and a different one on Sunday and I cannot decide who I like more so I am going to keep hanging out with both of them.
- Oooo..see I can’t do that, I would feel guilty because then I am not really investing my attention on one person. That sounds fun. My conscience won’t let me do it.
I’m 26 and I go on as many dates as guys want to take me on. I tell them that I’m not looking for a relationship and they all seem to like that and some of the guys try harder to date me.
- A few things here…YES, you are young, so be as free as you want to be. I think I recently saw a meme or caption that said, “Women in their 20s should be toxic.”…I do not know what all that means, but I was married during the bulk of my 20’s, I didn’t really start living for myself until my late 20s, early 30s. And I cannot say how I would have been if I was not married, because it was a different generation then. We did not have all these social outlets that’s available to us now. It was almost taboo to talk to strangers online and the term “Thirst Trap” relatively new where people show different types of pictures of themselves for likes. You have so many ways to meet people and it’s a normal concept. I used to meet people at house parties and we would write our phone numbers on napkins, but again, this was all before I was married and had children. Although, I was doing things in my high school years that people were doing on their college years…things worked a little faster in the northeast. If you know, you know.
I dated a lot of guys at one time, but I didn’t have sex with any of them. I wanted to see who I connected with better and now I am in a committed relationship with one of the guys.
- Okay, I could see how this is viable. If you’re single and want something serious then you’ll go through the process of meeting different men to figure out who is the best of the bunch. But would that be the same way for me since I’m not looking to have a traditional relationship? I want to talk, spend time, hang out, go places, but I don’t want to merge everything about our lives. It told you, it’s Partner vs. Companion and I don’t want the paperwork. You can have me, but I’m not signing anything.
Just start dealing with someone you already dealt with before.
- I feel like this thought is coming up more often these days amongst different groups of people. The things is, anyone who I have been with before, my views are different now and I don’t think any of them would understand or may take advantage of the whole companionship thing and mishandle it completely.

There were a lot more comments and suggestions, but this was the just of it. I get it ladies, I’m single, I have my standards, and I don’t want to play any games. I also don’t want to waste time.

I can't remember who said it to me, but one of my friends said, “Raya, don’t let any of these dudes out here try to tell you that you need to change anything about yourself especially if he’s not putting food on your table, paying any of your bills, and not calling you his woman. You can treat a man special, but don’t let him treat you like you're not.” My people aways big me up. Get you some people like this.

I Don't Date

I just observe if he’s worth my interest.

My dating life, I wouldn't even call it that. I meet people, if I like them, I meet them again, if I don't, I don’t. I’m not kissing anyone or sleeping with anyone. Listen, I may be too confident but I rather be that then not at all, but my Hello Kitty is too good to be touched by anyone.

Also, I’ve also developed a few turn offs recently:

E-cigarette or those smoke pens are not really attractive to me. It’s starting to resemble people who smoke cigarettes, like they can't go a day without one and they have to carry it everywhere with them.
People who like to talk about how good they used to have it when they made so much money doing things that were not legal. Like, okay sir, but did you developed any useful career skills from that?
Men who are too eager to get into relationships within the first few hours or days of knowing you. Why are you rushing?
Men who have newborns…there are so many concerns and unnecessary headaches with this one, so I just rather not entertain a man like this.
I don’t prefer men who take pride in receiving attention from just anyone. Have some self value.
And lose interest when men try hard to convince me they are "the catch", sir, if you are, you don’t have to tell me, let me learn that gradually. If our first few conversations are all about what type of man you are, then I don't need to know anymore about you.

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽

Be Happy

September 7, 2023

“Do what makes you happy. Live your life.”

I'm sure we always hear people say, "Just do what makes you happy." And that's a positive statement, right? But what about the other side of this. What if what you do that makes you happy is making someone else unhappy? What if you want to stop seeing someone because you've decided that you're not happy in the relationship anymore but, the person still wants to work things out? Do you still do what make YOU happy?

Or how about this, what if I have a guy friend who I like hanging out with but, he has a girlfriend and the girlfriend gets insecure when he hangs out with me but, he likes to spend time with me too. Who do we keep happy in this scenario? If it's making us happy to hang out, do we keep doing it? Or in order to keep his girlfriend happy, does he stop hanging out with me?

Is there a limit to what you do to be happy?

Like I told you guys I want a companion and not a partner, so when my companion steps out, I'm not thinking about what he's doing because having that type of mindset doesn't keep me happy. My emotions are involved but, I can't dictate what someone does. When we're together and if we’re out somewhere and he's attentive to me and not giving special attention to another woman, why should I be concerned with what he's doing when he's not with me? Baby, have fun, I'll talk to you later.

I also told you previously, some of my friends have changed my perspective on relationships and how differently they can work. And all of them have told me, if a man can't handle who I am, then he doesn't deserve to have me. And they also tell me, "Raya, you are the catch. Don't let anyone treat you like you're not." Some of them are so transparent, that they've even said (I’m cleaning up the language a bit, but in one way or another they have said this to me), "If a man has you, he's got the top tier, and anyone else he may be communicating with is just for fun or for ego because no one can match you, be happy about that." - Now, I don’t always know how to take that, but I know with them, it’s coming from a good place. You all can take that statement how you want to, I've got a special group of friends who don't hold back with telling me things. And I don’t know if they really think that about me or if they're just being nice. 😐😩😁 I've seen them get into a lot of crazy things over the years, but I've come to understand that what they do away from home or from their partners/companions is a form of happiness that keeps them balanced, but I know not everyone will see it that way.

So with doing things that make you happy, how much should you consider someone else’s happiness in relation to your own?

And with the companionship I want, it would make me happy to be able to have time away from each other because I want to be able to miss you. But what if the person wants to see me all the time because that's what makes him happy. Should I compromise what makes me happy to please him? And it also makes me happy to step out to grab something to eat or drink by myself, but what if that bothers someone else? Or what if it bothers him that I have a lot of guys friends who I keep in touch with often? I don't want to be stressed because I'm doing things that make me happy, but in the same regard, it's also making someone else unhappy.

And remember when I said, I don’t want to live with a companion? What if someone wants the opposite? My space makes me happy. My me time makes me happy, and sometimes that “Me Time” looks like going to see my friends, it’s still me ME TIME. With what I want and with what keeps me happy and thriving, I should have that, shouldn't it? I’m not going to sleep with other people and if you live near by, we can have some sort of signal or code phrase to let you know I want your attention or your company. Is this a weird concept? I feel like most men would be bothered by some of these things because I don’t want that traditional relationship.

I guess there's a catch 22 with not being selfish, but still making decisions that keep you happy. And maybe making those decisions will having people thinking everything is about you. How is that fair if you're telling someone, “Do what makes you happy.” 🤔

I can't have what I want? Because I don’t know how clearer I can make it, let me use this metaphor:

I am not still building the garden of my life where someone can still come and plan the layout with me. My garden is done, the seeds have been planted, and now I am just watering and grooming my flowers, but I wouldn’t mind for someone to sit in the garden with me, see how happy it makes me and maybe take initiative here and there to help keep my garden beautiful.

Or let me try another metaphor because that one may have been too much:

I already have my home and all I am doing now is maintaining it, but I am open to having a frequent visitor who makes me laugh, keeps me company, engages with what I talk about even if it’s silly, and sometimes we go places together. Is this too tall of an ask?

So again, where is the limit to your happiness?

I’m happy, I’m doing things I please, being around people who make me smile, and sometimes doing or saying things that amuse myself. Like, one of my friends, I mess with him every now and then and send him suggestive messages or even thirst trap photos, not naked photos or anything like that, but just photos that I don't show everyone or post on social media, like I’m not trying to be an IG model. I’m not one of those women whom are showing half bare ass online for attention or recognition. My FB is private and I only connect with family and old friends on there. I’ve even transitioned my Instagram to more professional content to align with a goal I have and even that is private. I think the only platform that I have all the way public is this one and even then, there’s a line I don’t cross. But anyway, this guy he knows I’m being funny so he doesn't take it any of that seriously, so in the process of all that, I'm making myself laugh.

But that's what I’m saying, there’s so many little and big things that make me happy. So at any point, should I feel bad for doing things that make me happy?

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽