Sneaky Links

February 26, 2024

“Don’t be sneaky with how you feel. That’s a sucker move.”

You all just deboed my topics! I had another one ready to go, but now I’ve deivated a little. If any of you want to share your thoughts on anything, you can always send me a message. You are not required to share you name, your email, or any contact information. Nothing ties back to you if you want to remain anonymous. I have a lot of readers like that and I have some that share their names and emails because you want direct responses from me and I do not mind that either. I’m not here to just impose my ideas onto you. Like I said, there’s no guide book to life or how to navigate your connection, communication, or relationships with people. We let the Universe do what it does and make sure we take accountability just as much as we may try to blame others.

You guys gave me much feedback from the Situationship topic, and give me some more insight on Sneaky Links, I figured I go through that since it’s not my area of expertise and these are all fairly new terms because thrown around a lot lately. So I’m just going to share your thoughts on Sneaky Links. For the most part, you all say that Sneaky Links are JUST SEX. Not thing else. You say a Sneaky Link can become a Situationship and further become a relationship, but not the other way around. Like a Relationship can never become a Sneaky Link. Is this 100% accurate?

But my major question is, how do you not let a Sneaky Link get too far? In my opinion, sex can be very intimate and can cause unexpected emotions for each other? Is it realistic to disconnect certain human elements from sex? So if it’s just sex, that mean you two are not hanging out, you’re not making meaningful conversations, you’re not meeting friends or family, all you are doing is calling or sending a text message when you’re in the mood. Am I on the right track here?

Let me explore this outloud. Say I get myself into a Sneaky Link situation, how do I even make it clear that that’s what it is? Like do we plan to be at the same place, not acknowledge we know each other, but leave at the same time? Are we legit friends? Or is that not even important? Say if I’m at a bar and my Sneaky Link is also there, do I shoot him a text to let him know when I’m leaving? Or what if he is with someone? Do I still make some form of contact or do I assume nothing is happening that evening with him? I need to know these parameters! Where is the line drawn?

Or let’s say I have a long time friend, we do not speak to each other often or see each other often and we happen to run into each other. And say we’ve always had an attraction for each other but never acted on it and on the day we run into each other, we slip off to a hotel room. Everything with our friendship has always be good, so we don’t want to make this a routine thing and we don’t want to ruin our friendship, so we have an unspoken agreement that we just hookup if we run into each other and if we are both available. Am I sort of getting the picture?

I cannot say I see myself doing this, but I also won’t say that I’ll never consider it. First and foremost I have to be comfortable enough with the person to even entertain the thought of sex, as far as the dynamic of our relationship in regards to how well we do or do not know each other and the factors that may be affected, I guess a Sneaky Link would be unique to you and the other person. But then again, isn’t that the case with any form of relationship? Whether its a Sneaky Link, a Situationship, or an established Relationship, isn’t all of it unique to the people that’s in it?

I think at this point in my life, I don’t much care what the label is, I care more about how I’m treated. Be clear with me. Let me know what you want and what you don’t want and most importantly, let me know if any of that changes. Don’t have me thinking something is a certain way, but you change your mind and not tell me, so then I start to pick up on weird vibes because you didn’t know how to use your language skills. C’mon now, don’t be a chump. I think the biggest issue that two people can have is not communicating exactly what you feel, what you want, and what’s changed.

I’m going to give this topic a day or two to allow any additional feedback, then we’re moving on to the next subject.

Be safe everyone.

Signs of a Situationship

February 21, 2024

“If you don’t want to love me tomorrow, tell me today.”

I really enjoyed writing about this topic and getting your input on it. And I’m starting to learn that men are using what I’m saying here to go back and use in the women they are involved with to influence them into thinking in a way that more benefits the man. You all need to be shamed! And which one of you ladies are not picking up on this hack?! You should be shamed too!

So what is a “Situationship”? This term has sort of replace the idea of a casual relationship. A situationship by definition means: a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established. (I’m sort of taken back this is in Google’s dictionary).

Mainly, it’s a person that you spend time with, treat differently from your other friends, and have sex with. It’s the makings of a relationship, but it’s not an actual committed relationship, like there’s no talks of living together, having babies or getting a pet. If you guys hang out together somewhere, you may look like a couple, but when asked, you just say you’re just friends. But there are also scenarios of people being in a situationship and could be on opposite ends of the room, but still end up together later on in the evening. And the reason for this is so that people don’t make assumptions. One of my previous lovers was a “Situationship” so I know what one looks like and feels like. There can be a lot of emotional blurriness. And there were times where I felt like he threw in the towel and left me hanging out to dry. That hurt. A lot. But as time passed my vision got clearer. We’re not going to get into all that, just know that my heart has been broken by a man who was my lover, but not my man. And I am not embarrassed to admit that.

Several of you get your input on how to identify a situationship:

Hotel Room Hook-Ups (possible “Sneaky Link”)
You’re only going to one person’s house
You only speak on certains days or at certain times
You do not introduce each other as your girlfriend/boyfriend
You do not spend major holidays together
You’ve not met their family (parents, kids, etc.)
One or both of you are Married (I think this one is a big indicator you’re in a situationship)
No one has said “I love you” (I’m not sure about this one, I said “I Iove you” to my situationship guy and he said it to me too.)
S/He doesn’t acknowledge you or he tried to avoid interacting with you too much in public. (possible “Sneaky Link”)
You’ve not been on an official date.
You don’t talk about a future together.
One of you says “Let’s just see how this goes.”

Situationships CAN work just as good as normal relationships as long as there is full understanding from both parties. I also think situationship can become relationships and relationships can turn into situationships. I have a friend who is currently upset with me because he feels I am an interference to his alleged situationship. Although, this is not confirmed information because he claims nothing is going on with anyone while she is singing a different tune 🙄. But, let me not be facetious, I don’t want to seem like I’m being dismissive of his feelings, if he’s upset, he has the right to his emotions or if he’s upset because someone else is upset then that’s another factor for him to work through. Again, I'm not trying to be impartial to his feelings, I’m just not going to avoid rationale.

Here’s a token for all of you: If your mere presence makes other people uncomfortable, Baby, that's not a you problem, that's a them problem. Men are obscure sometimes and they can also be sensitive about things and not know how to handle pressure, give them time and patience. I was raised by a man and I’m the eldest of my siblings, I always had to be strong and keep a poker face. But I’ve cried in front of men before, actually I left an emotional voicemail for someone the other day. I didn’t intend to get emotional, I just wanted to share clarity, but as I keep talking and thinking about different scenarios, I just start bawling. A few hours after I left the message, I kept think, Oh goodness, this person is going to hear it, think I’m a loser and be cold hearted about it. But again, nothing I am ashamed to admit doing because sometimes we have to be that person who wants things to be better and in order to do that, sometimes we need to make the first step and do things we normally would not do...that’s just my conscious and spirit talking just in case any of you are having a little rocky moment with someone.

Anyways, Situationships can be great or they can be ummm not so great. It’s all on how to start it, maintain it, and end it that determines its value. Because I do not plan to get married again, I have to be realistic about possible relationships or situationships. So it’s best to start with your deal breakers, then your standards, and then feel out who marks off those checkboxes. But keep in mind, people are not perfect and they are unpredictable, so not everyone will check off every box, or if they do in the beginning, they may not mark off those same boxes at the end.

I think that’s why more and more people are getting into these Situationships because the level of commitment is different. What are your thoughts?

Repressed and Suppressed

February 17, 2024

“Sometimes You’ve Just Got To Give People Their Fair Shot And See If They Can Make It.”

Question for you guys. I want to think this out loud with you all. Have you ever kept your feelings for someone to yourself, or have you ever suppressed issues with some in order to keep things the way they are? How did that work out?

Something occurred recently with me and someone else, and the person said something in the heat of the moment that made me think that there's a repressed issue between us that this person is holding on to. And I didn't quite understand it because if everything was fine between this person and I, then why is there an issue?

I thought about my relationship with this person some more and slowly realized that there's been things I've never shared with this person, and I probably should have when I was in that moment. I started to write it all down, and holy shit it's a lot. I keep going back and forth on whether I should share this with the person or not because I don't want them to feel attacked or caused them to have other issues. I also don’t want the person to think my repressed feelings are what I feel now. Looking at everything, I had some built-up resentment. And I'm thinking to myself, "Fck, why didn't I say this when I was feeling it?"

In psychology, repressed emotions refer to emotions that you unconsciously avoid. These differ from suppressed emotions, which are feelings you purposely avoid because you don't know exactly how to deal with them.

But I think me holding on to it may be the reason why I act the way I do towards this person, and if I just let it out, it will be weight off my shoulders. And I don't know if this person will look at it and think,"Well damn, this makes a lot of sense now." Or they'll look at it and think, "This is a waste of my time." But if it's going to help me release pain that I didn't know I was carrying, shouldn't I just go ahead and let it out. I have no clue how this person will react, if they'll be mean about it or if they'll be conscience of what I’m doing. I know I'm very stubborn, and it doesn't help that this person is just as stubborn.

I'm a highly intelligent woman, and I have an analytical mind. If I were on the outside looking in, I'd tell myself to just say it and be prepared for any fallback form the person, be prepared for the worst, and be prepared for their defense. When you share something, you can only control what you say, not how the person understands it. There's an indirect third party who wants this person, and I just hash out the differences and get along. And I want that too, but I feel like there is going to be some explosive before we get to the other side. Or I could be wrong and this will have a more positive outcome. Ugh, being an adult is a hard sometimes especially when dealing with other adults. Because at any point both of us could be like, "I've got more important shit to deal with." And everything stays as it is. The thing with repressed and suppressed issues is that it becomes a cancer within you and it can get worse and affect other parts of your life.

I know I'm being very cryptic, I just don't want to share the particulars because it may be considered sensitive. If you guys have any experience with something similar, please share it.

Questions (8)

February 17, 2024

Got Questions for Me? Send Them HERE.

(You are not required to share your name or email.)

So I've got a little time today and decided to answer some of your messages.

1. How do you tell someone that you want to be with them without ruining the friendship?

This one is a little hard, and there's really no right answer. You have to be willing to let go of the friendship if the other person doesn't have the same feelings for you. Because once that cat is out of the bag, there's no going back. 💝

2. I'm trying to plan something for my girl, what's a good date night idea?

The answer to this is based on what she likes. Does she like getting dressed up and going out? Does she like gifts? Does she like affection? A good date night for me is a man letting me know he wants to treat me to dinner and to wear something nice. He picks me up and gives me flowers, we go to a nice quiet restaurant and possibly a lounge afterwards. By the end of the night I'll be excited for adult activities. 💦

3. How are your previous lovers doing?

There's really only one who I really still communicate with. Poppa is not Poppa-ing right now. He's doing some things. And I'm going to touch base with him later. I'll just going to leave it at that. 🤣

4. What's your career?

I'm an HR professional. I've been doing it for 12 years now. I'm certified and have degrees relating to the field. I also freelance my expertise. Making as much money as I can because ain't nothing cheap these days. 🤑

5. What do you think about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce?

I'm happy for them. They're both at the top of their careers, and they seem to support each other and enjoy each other's company. 🎤

6. What's a secret about yourself no one knows?

Well, I can tell any of those because then everyone will know. But I'll share something interesting about myself: I'm a sensitive lover. I like love songs. I like being complimented, thought of, and feel loved. Also, when I'm really into someone, I want them to be happier than me, so I tend to make extra efforts to make them happy. 💕

7. What's something you'd tell you're 25 year old self if you could?

Ummm, I don’t think I'd tell her anything because all of my decisions and experiences in life got me here, and I like where I'm at. ️🌞

8. Do you think it's a good idea to get back with your ex?

I think it depends on the 2 people. If you want to get back together then go for it. Even if it was a casual thing and you 2 stopped fooling with each other for a while but want to start up again. It's up to you. The only thing that would make it a bad idea is if the person is a bad influence and doesn't make you feel 'seen'. Then no, don't do it. 🩷

Is He Gay?

February 17, 2024

“I rather you be the best version of you so I can show you the best version of me.”

One of you ladies sent me a message expressing your discernment about a man you're interested in. The woman states that she gets frustrated when the man seems to rather want to hang out with his friends over spending time with her. And makes a claim of him being gay because he wants to be around men over being around a woman.

This is an interesting topic. But let’s start be recognizing that the gay community is more accepted and prominent these days. Let’s also be mindful not to make assumptions when something does not seem clear to us. I do not know if the man in reference is gay or not, the reader mainly said he spends time with his guy friends more than he spends time with her. In my experience with men, I don’t think a man planning to be around his friends a lot is a red flag for gay behavior. I think as individuals we create camaraderie with people who align more with who we are or who we aspire to be. Are women not the same way? You constantly see women in groups of 2 or more. I think it is great for men to have a strong group of friends he feels comfortable around. Isn’t that the main idea of fraternities and sororities? They are organizations that follow certain standards, values, and beliefs. So if a man has that with his friends, what’s the problem?

I have several guy friends who hang out together and I always mention how I love their support for each other and how I admire them keeping in touch and getting together as often as they can. So to the reader, I am not sure of all the details of your relationship with the man, but have you considered the following:

He is not exclusive with you to want to spend more time with you
- This may not necessarily mean that he is seeing other women, but maybe he is still figuring things out within himself to decide if you are someone he wants to spend more time with.
The things you two do when you are together isn’t something he wants to do routinely
- Think about what you do when you’re together. For women quality time holds different weight than it does for men. That doesn’t mean it’s not important to them, they just don’t need it as much especially if the relationship is already confirmed. *Men who are career or business oriented are like this.
He just wants to be around his boys and talk about things he can’t speak of around you
- Sometimes boys just need to be boys. If he has a good group of friends, he may need to see them often to stay grounded or to keep him on the track of being the best version of him.

Although, as always, you should rely on your intuition. If you feel something isn’t right, then there’s probably something happening that’s not in your favor. You can always give people the benefit of the doubt, but you have to identify what type of communication and relationship you want to have with someone. And you may have to accept some hard truths if someone turns out to be a person you won’t be with long term. I’ve learned to accept people as they are with what they show me and place them in my life according to what I know. Everyone I interact with holds some value to me, no matter how often or less I speak with them.

Everyone I have come across has imprinted onto me and has contributed to my growth in some way. I am around more men than I am around women and I pay attention to people, what they talk about, how they carry themselves, how they behave, and if they act differently around certain people. I don’t initially think there is anything “gay” about a man spending a lot of time with his boys if that’s the only concern. I think it’s needed, just like women sometimes need to be around or confide with other women. And trust me sometimes when all the boys are together, we don’t need to be among those conversations. Sometimes a man may say something around his friends or people who have known him longer than you, it can make your mind wonder about his character or make you have more questions. I say, just let him have his time with his friends, but also let him know that you would like to spend more time with him and see if he makes any adjustments for you, then go from there.

Be safe everyone.

My Funny Valentine

February 6, 2024

“I’ll never be foolish for loving you. I’m just foolish for how long I loved you.”

Let me start by saying, I do not have a Valentine, I do not plan to have one, it’s not even in my thoughts. I think if I were involved with someone, I may take interest to it, but for now, no. And I am not against people who celebrate Valentine’s Day and do grand gestures for their partners, by all means if it is important to you or if it makes your person happy, then make the most of it.

Although, don’t be one of those women who wants to be treated special on that day and that day comes around and the man who they thought they are with doesn’t even acknowledge it. If that happens, then Sweetheart, he doesn’t see you like that or you are more into him than he is into you. If you are in a relationship or similar and your companion likes acts of admiration, then you should do something special for them. I mean, if I was with someone, I’d want him to make a little extra effort for me. Even if I started talking to someone tomorrow, yes, it’s new so I would not expect him to go over the top, but maybe a nice dinner or something simple.

Some of my guy friends are the sweetest though, they know I’m fully single so they’ll send me a Happy Valentine’s Day message or call me to say something nice. My guy friends are silly, a lot of times when I am hanging out one on one with any of them, people assume we are a couple and my friends just go with it and some of them will make up a whole story about how we met and just run with it! I let them have their fun. It’s very endearing when they do silly things like that, in a way it lets me know they care about me and that whatever my status is, I am never alone in anything. I value that.

But come February 14th, if I’m sitting by myself somewhere, don’t for one moment think that I am unhappy, that my life isn’t fulfilled, or that I am lonely. None of those things are a factor. You can be sure that my self-esteem is healthy, my happy is high, and my peace is stable. I can be surrounded by couples and still not feel out of place. The only thing I am weary of is PDA (public displays of affection). I’m okay with sitting close, cheek or forehead kisses, or even a quick lip kiss. I’m even okay with him putting his hand on my legs or rubbing my thighs or leaning on me, but I am a little too modest to do anything more than that, with the exception of going out of town. Because when you’re out of town, you do know anyone and it’s just you and your person or close knit friends, so I may be a little more affectionate in public, but when I am in my home cities where people know me or recognize me, I don’t like people in my business. Sometimes people will speculate, ask questions, and create a certain image of you. And many of you might say, “Well it’s doesn’t matter what other people think.” That’s only realistic in certain circumstances. For the most part people see me carry myself as a well-dress, friendly, respectable woman and I don’t want to taint that image. When you step out of the house, you represent yourself. What I do behind closed doors is my business, but if I am seen out with a man kissing and hugging on him, I open myself up to the public’s opinion. So I cannot be upset if people were to have questions or get defensive about it because I allowed my personal life it to be seen.

I will say this, but with extreme discretion, there’s one person I talk mess to every now and then, but he’s not hearing me. Bless his heart. I don’t say anything too crazy, and I never say anything in front of other people. I could whisper something slick in his ear, but I’m still nervous of someone hearing me, so I stick to my level of comfort. I don’t act up in front of company with him. I keep it just between us and I don’t even have his full name saved in my phone just to avoid the possibility of someone trying to look over my shoulder at who I’m texting. I try to be as discrete as I can. There’s this one line I’ve been wanting to say to him, but it would need to be triggered by something he says for me to say it. So he may never hear it. And in relation to this this, if he were to call my bluff one of these days, I can honestly say that I have come to an accepting point in my life where I have no idea what decision I would make until it’s presented to me, but one thing I am certain of is that I will not do anything that I am not comfortable doing. I’m at least comfortable with this person enough to say certain things, but putting that into action is something different, I do not know which choice I’d make. Either way, it’ll have to be a practical choice, because nothing of the heart ever makes sense and I’ve learned that lesson over and over again, so the mind needs to make sense of it. And that’s my stance on a lot of things right now.

Any of you who have Valentine’s Day plans, I hope you enjoy it. I’m happy for you. Actually, let me share my Lover’s Playlist with you. It’s on YouTube music. There’s over 100 songs on it and I keep adding to it. Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t, but here it is if you want to listen to it: SLOW DOWN Playlist. If you don’t have a sweetheart, I’m still happy for you and the playlist is still good for you. Don’t let people get in your ear about being alone on Valentine’s Day and making you feel bad about yourself. No, we don’t do the self pity around here. We do what’s in our best interest and we make the most of it.

I’m not opposed to loving someone or letting someone love me, I just have to be comfortable with everything and whatever compromises there are, it has to not take me away from my vision. Nothing can be strong on a bullshit foundation. If a man is just going to bullshit me and gaslight me about his bullshit, then he needs to like me from a distance. We're adults, we work, we pay bills, we pay taxes, we've got responsibilities, so why would anyone want to put a filter on who they are or what they've got going on in their lives? I’m young enough to still have a full life ahead of me, but I’m also passed the point to not be wasting time with anyone who doesn’t get it.

You cannot build on a hollow foundation.

Be safe everyone.