My Man My Man

January 31, 2023

“Saying ‘I Love You’ can cost you more than your heart can afford.”

PRE THOUGHT: The reality is, other people don't improve or ruin your relationship. Your choices do that.

Some of you ladies send me messages about your relationships. Many times it’s in response to one of the topics and you either affirm you have something great going on or you have your concerns.

One reader wrote how her boyfriend is so catering to her and how she feels special and safe around him. My dear reader, I love that for you. I don't come across many messages like this unfortunately.

So many other readers share heartache about men and how they can't understand why their relationships fail. I've learned some men can have odd ways of expressing themselves. The constant arguing is not healthy. The best thing I can tell you is to give him space to figure things out. Men harbor thoughts and emotions, I don't have an explanation why, they just do, so give them time to sort through their thoughts and keep letting them know you still care.

One of my guy friends always seem to have the same issue with women he gets involved with and I always ask what is he doing the same and what is he doing differently to avoid going in circles. Sometimes a relationship isn't really what we want, we just like the idea of having someone to spend time with. — And this is where things can get complicated because you transfer comfort into romance and you convince yourself this is a great idea without assessing your lifestyles, your goals, and your values.

I take my personal relationships seriously and anything that occurs between me and another person is between us two. Meaning the things we talk about or do in private is not privy for everyone else unless we are both present to discuss the matter with others. I am not only at a certain age, but also at a mindset that casual encounters hold no value to me. You are either a significant part of my life or you are not and being significant to me doesn’t necessarily mean being a lover to me, but it can mean just being there for me or being a good friend.

Nothing is ever simple and expect the unexpected. Every single one of us has our uphill battles as well as our downhill battles and our focus should always be to understand our own emotions and getting ourselves into a space where we can still be good to others even when we are facing issues in private and not treat others as if they are a road block in our lives. Never speak poorly about someone even if they are speaking poorly about you. 99% those people always regret their words.

Women like to be sure of the man they're dating and it can be a hard road to navigate if the man has female friends. If a woman approaches me about my interactions with a man and trying to see what my involvement is with him, whatever I say is going to have her more confused and I don't like being interrogated. I’m not one who does the whole, “I’m coming to you as a woman” type of thing and if someone starts to ask me questions here's how I answer:

Yes, I am a part of his life
Whatever else you want to know you'll need to discuss with him
I won't say anything bad about the man
I won’t say anything bad about the woman either because she's already upset

And this isn’t a reflection of the man, it’s more keeping myself from going back and forth with another woman. Her concerns don't stem from me so I’m not the person she should be having the conversation with. Again, that's why I like to keep things private even with people I’m just friends with especially men. I never know what their dealings are with other people, I only know what their dealings are with me and there can be a misconception of what that is so I don't explain my connection to people with anyone I’m not fully comfortable with.

The Effort Series

Blue or white are usually my go-to colors. I play around with other hues here and there.

One of my friends who I grew up with is constantly going through relationships phases. One month he’s so in love and the next month he's dealing with someone new. And with some of the women I met and they'll ask me questions, but I don't ever give them too much information because at the end of the day, I stand by my friend and I was here before any of these women, I here now, and I’ll still be here after them. And I don’t mean that in a foul way and this friend and I have never been romantic, but I just know how he is, I know his patterns. So I don't ever get too close to his women.

Ladies, if you are having issues with your man or special friend, that's something you’ll need to work out with him or yourself. And again sometimes men need time to sort things out too. (Fellas, I’m trying to go to bat for you on this). Figure out what you want and then have the necessary conversations.

For those of you whom are in healthy relationships, maybe I’ll need to set something up where you can tell us how you're making it work. 😀

Check On Me Tonight

January 28, 2023

“Say hi today. It could bring a brighter tomorrow.”

I don’t know how I'm going to explain this topic because I can't always determine why people do what they do. Do you ever check on people just to see how they are or what they've been up to? What about when you indirectly check on them? Like instead of talking to them directly, you're seeing about them through other ways whether it be through other people or looking on their social media page. Have you ever done that? Why? Why not just call the person?

Let’s go through the different possibilities of why you would keep tabs on someone.

You want to know what's going on in someone's life because you want to know where you fit in. Maybe it’s someone you used to be with and you're seeing if they've moved on with their lives.
It’s someone you've seen go through a lot of struggles and you like seeing them do well.
It’s someone from your past who you're not sure if you should reach out to them or not because maybe things didn’t g so well the last time the two of you spoke you want to avoid any possible conflicts.

No matter what the reason is, you care about this person in some way. So what's keeping you from talking to them? So I started thinking about this whole transparency thing because I mentioned in the post “Love Isn’t Enough” that a guy I used to be involved with, we were not always transparent with one another and it affected the way we treated each other. So one of my newer goals is to be more fluid with people and I think if you are thinking about someone, you should reach out to them. What could it hurt? — Don’t put any expectations on it and go in with an open mind.

Sometimes I wonder if there's a guy checking for me from a distance. Would that be creepy or romantic in some way? I guess that would all depend on how I know the man and if he has good intentions for me. OMG what if the athlete I use to be serious about was keeping tabs on me? Actually, no he would have popped up on me somewhere by now. He would've found out who I do business with, the places I like to go and somehow just walked his way into my life. How do I know this? Because he’s done it before. He’s one of the reasons why a few years ago I started going to extra lengths to keep my name out of certain things, although it’s not always easy to do that in my field of business and investments. The athlete isn’t dangerous, let me be clear about that. He just always causes problems anytime he’s in my life, and bless his heart, he doesn’t mean to. I think his heart is in the right place, but he challenges any other man around me. We both don’t act right when we’re around each other. But I doubt he's checking on me. Last I heard he was married with a few children now. People who’ve happily moved on usually don’t look back.

The Effort Series

Over the next few topics I'm going to share how I really used to put effort in my looks: hair, makeup, clothes

It would be kind of nice to know that someone is frequently thinking about me, not just for their own person gain, but to genuinely be happy to know where I am at in life and how well I’m doing. And maybe just waiting for the right time to say something to me. — Hey, we’re on a new year, clean slate, make something happen.

Love Isn't Enough

January 23, 2023

“Learn to walk away when something is no longer serving your peace.”

THE CHALLENGE: So during this term, my professors are encouraging us to do a 30 for 30 challenge where we write for 30 minutes a day for 30 days to better identify our writing styles and voices. Of course no one in my cohort knows about this site, but I am slightly taking the challenge. If you've noticed, I’ve been publishing more topics more frequently, although I don't have enough topics to write out a new post each day. #FutureDrRay

There has been a phrase that I noticed I hear more often nowadays, in movies, shows, books, captions…every where. And the phrase is “Love isn’t enough.” - What do you guys think about this?

I can count on one hand how many men I’ve said “I love you” to in a romantic way. I told you guys, I don’t have a trail of relationships behind me. The last man I said those words to, it was a surprise to me and I think it was a surprise to him too, but he felt it and one night he gazed into my eyes and gently said, “Tell me”. And when the words came out he says, “I never heard you say that before” and he said it to me and also said, “Raya, You have no idea how much I love you.” To this day, I still don’t know what he meant by that. A little background, we had known each other for a few years already and fooled around on and off, went on different small trips together, but we never gotten that close until that time. And we were so into each other and I was hesitant at first, because it was unexpected and it felt great (I think I even wrote about it, actually I can probably go back to the older posts and narrow down when we started getting close and how I was feeling about it. But it fizzled out and I am not too sure why maybe I was too busy or he was too busy or we didn’t make enough time for each other, I don’t know. So I guess love wasn’t enough. Where is this man now? Ummm…we still speak to each other, but he is figuring things out with someone else…I think I am not too certain about that. He still hasn't officially confirmed anything. Maybe they want to have a baby first. Joking.

And if I go further back, I did love the father of my children at one point, but again it wasn’t enough for me to still want to be with him. It did hurt to leave, but I wasn’t getting what I needed in that relationship and I was tired to hurting and him not putting our family first.

There is an author named Mark Manson who wrote an article titled the same as this topic. Here is a little exerpt from what he wrote, he lists 3 truths about love:

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us.
1. LOVE DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATIBILITY
Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process. Compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

The other two things he lists are Love does not solve your relationship problems and love is not always worth sacrificing yourself for. I think this is very eye opening for many of us and can help us look at relationships differently and can guide us to weed out the idealistic thoughts about what love is and isn’t and focus more on relationship types of behaviors that withstand the test of time.

**Back to Life**

Let me tell you all how I really used to make an effort to **BE A STATEMENT!** I really used to take time to do my hair, makeup, and put together looks. One of my goals for 2023 is to start doing this again. ❤️

So the guy I mentioned first, it’s hard to say what is definitive between us. I believe we have always treated each other slightly differently then how we treat other people and I won’t get into those details and I don’t think we have always been very forthcoming with one another which has lead to multiple misconceptions of each other over the years. We are opposite and similar in several ways, but I do believe we care about each other in some regard even though we may not love each other the same way we did when we gotten close at one time. And I don’t ever like to say for certain how something will be because we never know how things will play out. Like I said, we weren't always for forthcoming with each other and I think if we had been a little more transparent then our communication would be different today. Although, with my ex, I am very certain we will not be close or become good friends and the only reason I say that is because he has blown away so many chances to do right by our children, that I cannot fathom putting the distance away between us. There’s just some things I will never accept.

Now matter how much you may love someone or think you love someone, I think Mark Manson is on to something and it’s not just him, if you do a web search of this title “Love Isn’t Enough” you will find many articles about this topic. I guess people have come to realize emotions fade in and out, but it’s what we continue to do or show people is what keeps a relationship going and hopefully moving forward in a positive way.

Full Article by Mark Manson HERE.

Change Of Heart

January 21, 2023

I decided to step out of my comfort zone and agreed to go on a date. It was setup by someone I do business with. The date was nice, it was an early dinner, nothing over the top or fancy, we were both wearing our professional attire because I met him after I got done working. He was wearing a tailored suit and I was wearing a pencil skirt and blouse. We had a nice conversation, we talked about life, families, childhood experiences. But there was one thing he said that made me decide this was only going to be a friendly dinner and nothing more. He mentioned his previous relationship and how he talked about her is what made me hesitant about the man he possibly is. You have to understand, when there is two people in a relationship, there is more than one side of a story and I don’t like when people are so adamant they didn’t have any faults when a relationship ends. And the man mentioned a few things that triggered memories of what I went through in previous situations. I declined a second date with the man.

We go through different experiences with people. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they aren’t and it leaves on imprint on us. When we are starting something new with someone. Our hearts are in a flutter, you’re spending time with them, getting to know them better, and talking about the possible future. But at any given moment, all that can change and there is no way to properly explain why other than a change of heart. And sometimes we try to hold on to the good memories to avoid the reality of needing to move on especially when we thought everything was going smoothly. And another weird thing is we can change our hearts back. Like have you ever rekindled something with an old flame…maybe more than once? — I’ve been there. And there is nothing wrong with that because you won’t know if something works until you try it and sometimes you have to try it more than once.

Emotions our fckd up and they fck us up sometimes. Men have loved me, told me they loved me, and have told me I’m the best thing in their lives, and when things were coming to an end, they have turned around and said bad things about me. Friendship and relationships can be complicated because sometimes it takes a little more work to maintain them. Again, you can have a change of heart about them. Sometimes we look at people and think nothing could ever happen, but later on you think there is a possibility. And there’s nothing wrong with reconnecting with people, just because it did not work out the first time, doesn’t mean you won’t have a better view of things this next time. As long as you are being honest with yourself and what you want and being transparent with the person, that’s all you can do. And there is not guarantee of anything; we never know what we are going to do until we are doing it and all we can do is hope that we are making the best decisions for ourselves.

Seeing Someone?

January 19, 2023

PRE THOUGHT: If someone doesn't want to tell you they are seeing someone, what are the limits on how you are towards that person? Should I just keep as is and have limitless conversations and hangout with a man who doesn't want to reveal that information to me?….Because if he doesn't share it, how would I know any different? And when you first meeting someone, don’t you usually ask if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Care For The V

January 19, 2023

PRE THOUGHT: I don’t want just the body, I want the mind and soul too. And before I give my body to someone, I want to know that his is for me and doesn’t play about me, like he’s not going to allow anyone to mistreat me, take advantage of me, or talk badly about me. This may sound cliché, but I want someone who I feel is a genuine friend to be my intimate companion.

“If I ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the lady is a friend.” - Shai (1992)

Topics about sex and intimate care seem to always drive a lot of traffic to this site, so I’ll start to incorporate more of these talks.

So, there rules to the ‘V’, how we take care of her, who we let touch her, and how we keep her happy.

First things first, Ladies….Keep. Her. Healthy. Don’t skip your routine check ups. Don't be afraid to tell the doctor anything you have a concern about, tract infections, STDs, pregnancy, no matter what it is talk to your medical care professional, that's what they are trained to do. On top of keeping her healthy, Keep her clean!

There are products that you can insert in to your personal area, but (and this is my opinion) unless it’s prescribed by you're doctor, I'd advise against it because those over the counter cleansers are full of chemicals and you have no clue how your body will react to them and if you use them all the time, there maybe some harmful long term effects. So again, don't put anything up there unless your doctor directs you or does it themselves. Use soap that’s made for sensitive areas and wash only the outer parts, the inner parts need different attention. For instance, vaginal steams are a lot healthier than inserting weird chemicals in there.

You also want to maintain your softness and moisture and I'm not talking about for sex, I’m talking about everyday. Overall, my skin is naturally soft, but I'll still use some oils to keep my skin refreshed and renewed. There's a combination of oils I mix in a dropper bottle that I used for my Hello Kitty after showering and after my waxes (even though no one is seeing what’s under my clothes, I still like to take care of myself), but you can use it as often as you need to. Trust me ladies, it’s going to keep you soft, smooth, and balance your moisture. I’ll add the ingredients at the bottom.

Okay, enough information for the ladies, let’s move on to the men…

Fellas, here's how you can take care of her personals. First understand it's a sensitive area, when your good to it, it's good to you. You have to treat it like a treasure. I don’t know if you're heard this before, but the Pink Lady can actually pulsate, meaning if she’s around a man she’s extremely attracted to, who's good to her and makes her feel great, a physiological thing happens and that girl down there will beat stronger than a heart and makes a woman's body get really warm. Men, this is a real thing and this is what you want. You’ve got to sweet talk her whether you're whispering enticing things in a woman's ears or directly talking to the kitty; make it wet before even touching her. You want to turn on each part of the woman and the more care you give the Pink Lady, the more likely the woman will treat you like Karrine Steffans (if you don’t know who that is, you’re too young to be here and need to go play with your blocks, okay, the adults are talking right now).

Men, do you remember watching older movies where the man is seducing a woman and how he’s very gentle with her, flirts with her, compliments her, and tells her he wants her without saying those exact words? That's part of foreplay and it’s necessary to get an amazing experience. Think James Bond, how smooth and suave he was before bedding a woman.

But if you want to be a little more direct without being too aggressive, take the woman out, doesn’t have to be dinner, maybe just drinks or a nice lounge and ask her to wear a dress. And throughout the evening, gently grace your hand on her thighs and every now and then, caress the Kitty. Don’t make it obvious, but obvious enough to make her notice. And if you’re willing, say some sexual things to her, use your finesse to finesse her. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who knows he wants me and tells me what he wants to do with me while running his hands up my dress (I may be saying a little too much right now, hopefully no man who personally knows me or sees me frequently visits my site). Maybe this year, someone will surprise me and be the outlier and get me to share myself with him, or maybe not, we'll see because what have I started saying?…We never know our decisions until we make them. 😺…So, we’ll see if someone changes my mind this year. 😉

😺 ”V” Oil Mix: Sesame Oil, Argan Oil, Jojoba Oil, Tea Tree Oil - I did not use any particular measurements, I just did all equal parts and mixed thoroughly. Massage the oil on the outer areas. Use it as often as you like. — Let me tell ya, whomever does get the pleasure to bed me is going to be extremely happy with my Hello Kitty. *Plus he’ll have a few new features to play with. 😉

Tolerable

January 18, 2023

PRE THOUGHT: If I’m being friendly towards you and you start getting too comfortable with me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, I'm going to move differently around you thereafter. I’m not going to continue to do things that allow you to keep thinking you can get closer to me. And my “Unorthodox Conversationalist Partner”( 😏 see previous post) put this in my mind… So, the same scenario for you men: If a woman is being extra friendly towards you and even though you may not think much of it, she may believe that she has something special with you if you keep acting like you’re okay with her advances. Are you indirectly encouraging her to be extra friendly with you?…and that, my loves, is the misconception.

There's a way you hug your friends and then there a way you hug your “friends”.

You long time readers know that I'm very reasonable and don't take myself too seriously. I slightly mentioned before that I tolerate people more than I like them. Let's get into what I mean by that.

I'm very friendly and welcoming. I like to enjoy myself when I'm out, but depending on who I'm around and how I’m feeling there’s a limit to all I'm willing to do. If you're not part of my inner circle or we're not that close of friends or I just met you, there’s a certain comfort level that I'm not going to step out of. Especially if you're new to me and we don’t have any mutual friends who can vouch for the type of person you are, I'm going to stay alert around you.

Listen, and I don't mean this in a rude way, but if I don't make any more friends in life, I'm okay with that. I have my range and my circle of friends. I really don’t need any more.

I'm not fond of new people who are too eager to want to become close friends with me so quickly. It feels forced and I don’t like anything that's forced. Let it happen naturally (I feel the same with romantic relationships too). Don’t try to welcome yourself into other parts of my life or plans I have especially if I did not invite you or it wasn’t an open invitation. -- No. Don't do that. You can give me clues that may let me know you would like to join me, but if I don't welcome you, I have my reasons for it and those reasons can vary from, this is something I'm doing with my other friends, this is something private, or this is something I want to do by myself. So don't get offended if I don’t want you to join me, and if you get offended then we're definitely not going to be close because there's a lot of things that I do without other people. Those who know me well know that I mean no harm, I just don't always need friends around me.

We're not kids where you quickly make friends with someone at recess and then you're hanging out all the time, all day, everyday. No, I have a full life, a robust career, a doctorates I’m trying to achieve and 2 kids I’m raising between all of that. I need my space to do other things, be around people who know me well, and be with myself. And I have low tolerance for people who don't respect that.

I also don’t like people who try to benefit off me for their own personal gain or try to improve their lives because of me. Let me explain this. I’m going to use the word “opportunist” and there's nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself, but when you are trying to elevate your life off of someone else, it’s not a good look. For example, someone told me one of the last time they went out they spent a few thousand dollars on their tab. And I don’t fault them because there have been nights where I’ve spent that much because I’m just having a good time. Although, I know I have to be careful with that because some people will see you doing things like that and look to you to give them that same experience every time. — That's what I don’t like. Don’t think that just because I went all out this time and you enjoyed it that it’s going to happen every time, especially if you are not in my inner circle, because my inner circle knows that I have my moments of being frivolous with money or just keeping it simple. I don’t like when I’m expected to provide people a great time. I set the mood for myself and you if match my energy then then we all have a great time, but ultimately you are responsible for your fun; not me.

And this is for everyone, know your tolerance levels, they are the same as your boundaries, so be clear with people about them and if they need more clarity, try to find a way to tell them so they understand, but offer that one time courtesy, unless you have a very close relationship with someone, don’t keep explaining yourself. You can step out of your comfort zone, I do encourage that every so often, but don't let anyone force their way into your personal aura because that's yours and you’ve tailored that to make it to fit you and your interests, not anyone else's. And romantically, if you do find someone to share your aura with, you still have to be clear with what you want and make compromises that benefit both of you. 😉

Mixed Words

January 15, 2023

Intro and 2 Part Audio

Someone make sense of this and tell me that me and this person are not the only two people who communicate like this.

*To be clear, there’s no arguments…just a difference of perspectives. He is firm on certain behaviors being okay and affirms it’s not his behavior (although the blueprint has opposing reviews). My stance is how a person behaves can give the wrong impression and lead to unsolicited thoughts or reactions from the person who the behavior is being directed towards and the people around them. Everyone has a choice on how they choose to be and what they entertain. And sometimes being extra friendly with people isn't good conduct because what if that person you're being extra friendly with starts thinking you're developing something special with them?

Like the man who kept driving the same girl home, but claimed there was nothing going on and one of you said, “There's no such things as Uber??? Or she has no other friends???”
Another example is if you’re invovled with someone, but you still give people the impression you're not by doing or saying certain things that allows them to think you’re completely unattached. And it’s never good to act that way with people who know the person you're intimate with because everything always gets back around. — Just like in the Open Relationships topic, don’t let the nonsense get back to your main one.

Anyway…

Usually after the lengthy back and forth, I assess the overall content and conclusion and look for the lesson, insight, or positive summary. — When you start to look at people as investment towards your life or even progress in life, you may start to look at all your connections with a different set of eyes.

I wasn’t anticipating on writing a topic like this and it's going to be very short, but things happen in life that can invoke certain unexpected topics. So this guy I know, we seem to have very unorthodox conversations at times. Sometimes they are so confusing and fckd up I just don’t understand how we keep getting through them. But we do and we laugh about it afterwards and then we talk about vinyl records. I think we’re both fckn nuts. Like how do you go toe to toe with a war of words with someone and come out of it talking about Jill Scott’s first album?

And this isn’t our first offense, this has been going on a span of years, we're basically pros at these mind fck conversations. And I literally asked him why do we still entertain each other and all he could say was, “Great question!” and I’m not sure if he actually gave me an answer because he says I make up my own theories about things and that I need to stop wondering about everything which led me to another thought.

People are puzzles and I like puzzles. I like observing their behaviors and piecing together why people do what they do. That’s probably why I chose psychology for my undergrad. And oh do I use that degree to it's fullest and I have a say about everything. I will admit, I do tend to push people out of their comfort zones at times and it can be a bit controversial or argumentative because of my tactics. Ummm, I very head strong, to say the least. And I don’t think a lot of people are receptive to that and even this guy, I don't think he’s receptive to it either so again, I don’t know why he keeps conversations up with me.

Like I said, I think we’re both out of our fckn minds — in the best way — and I don’t know why we do this and it’s a constant puzzle that I can’t solve. Maybe that's why we’re keeping this up. Well I can’t speak for him, but maybe that’s why I still keep entertaining it?

🙂 Overall, I appreciate that we do move forward and find things to laugh about, that's the best, but when we’re in the midst of those heavy conversations, sometimes I think to myself, “WTF is wrong with us??!!” 😆 Someone, please make it make sense! 😅

Open Relationships

January 13, 2023

Okay lovers, let’s talk about this. Open Relationships…are you for it or against it? Here are my thoughts on this…

Theoretically, No. I don't want to be in a situation where I’m lied to, heartbroken, feeling like I'm not important, where I’m not thought of or considered, other people are seeing me as foolish, and women believing they can take my place. But practically, can a man take away all of those concerns and still make his lady feel secure and loved while doing whatever he decides to do when he's out by himself or with his friends? I’m going to answer with a soft yes only because I’ve witness this with some other relationships.

"If you’re playing me keep it on a low, because my heart can't take it anymore. If you're creepin, please don’t let it show." - Mario Winans (2004)

It’s possible, but only when 2 people have a true understanding of each other and understanding the needs of each person and what they desire to function happily and progressively. And that may consist of not asking certain questions that may resort to a lie or viewing certain things he does or says with skepticism. If he’s going out, I'd appreciate him telling me, but I’m not going to ask too many specifics details about it or blow up his phone throughout the night, I’ll just reach out to him the next day. The main thing is to keep a good flow of communication between each other and keep one another updated. Don't go silent on your partner. Also, never look through anyone’s phone, whether you find something or not, it will always lead to drama. Here's something you should never forget, If you're looking for trouble, you're definitely going to find it. And with today’s generations, you can find anything on social media. I’m so glad I grew up during a time where we just had fun and didn’t need to show the world, but for whatever reason, some people still need that validation.

If I'm in a relationship, I want it to be meaningful. If it’s just about sex, anyone can give you that. I want intimacy and I want a man to lead me correctly and not blindside me with heartache. You can't just offer me sex and expect me to fall in line with whatever fuckery you do out in the world. But if you are bringing me support, love, comfort, protection, compassion and friendship, then I’m going to be more open to your lead. Be a man I can count on and not someone who disappears when he doesn't feel like talking or when things get difficult.

I had a similar conversation about a man leading and my belief is that I'm feminine, so to balance I prefer a man to exude masculinity. If he’s meeting me for the first time I prefer him to break the ice and thereafter if he says or does things that make it seem like he's indecisive, aloof, or waiting on me to give him a sign before he makes a move, then I'm not going to look at him romantically. A leader assess his options and makes a sound decision and he won’t know if it's the wrong decision until he follows through with it, but make the decision.

Lead the way in a non-aggressive and smooth manner and I'll decide whether to follow or not. And if I do follow, we can figure out other things along the way and develop the camaraderie with each other. Let me know you want something special with me. Don't think you're being too much by showing you like me and letting other people know you like me. I don’t like men who are disengaged with people's feelings, especially if we’re intimate. And the type of man he is will show me the type of man I’ll either love and cherish or the type of man I need to keep at a distance. Be nice to me, but be firm and sure with what you want with me.

I’m never going to outwardly say yes to having an open relationship. I am always going to be an advocate of being loved by a man who doesn't make me feel like I have to worry about our connection or make me question if I’m in his heart with another woman who isn't family. In an open relationship, you should never let the other person feel they have the upper hand over your partner. I want someone who thinks to call me with good news and bad news, who still says things like, “Hey, I’m going to be at this place at a certain time, you should come out.” Be my friend and don’t stop, that’s the best way. Share good music and movies with me and I don’t want you to be just like me. Let’s have a difference of opinions sometimes, talk about it, laugh about it, and maybe learn something new from each other. And as a friend, what would you want to protect me from? Don't let someone else break what we have, keep it sacred. Because remember, people who don’t have you are likely going to try harder and do more to get your attention especially if you're already with someone.

Be careful with what you do with people. What you intend may not play out they way you expect and you'll then have to deal with the outcome. You’ve got to be emotionally intelligent enough to handle not only your emotions, but also the emotions of others you've effected. Feelings and relationships can be a war zone, don’t think there won’t be any bombs.

Hugs and Kisses

January 10, 2023

Ladies, don’t let any of these clowns make you feel like you aren’t enough, fck them. If a man wants easy, let him have easy. There is also a difference between a man being predatory towards younger women, having an identity issue with younger women, and misunderstanding what he’s doing. Maybe my opinion doesn't hold much weight because I’m not sleeping with anyone, so I don’t care what these men do.— But hear me out…

After my intro in the last post about telling ladies not to worry about men who aren’t of their statue and who entertain the younger generations, I got endless amount of messages for a lot of you women sharing your stories about heartache dealing with the same issues.

Ladies, I need you all to love yourselves. And I need you all to have friend groups that support all that you are. Affirm yourself no matter what status you’re at in life as long as you are striving to be better and be happier. I’m of a certain age and I’ve not had a lot of relationships, but I have had hurtful dealings with men. And guess what, I didn’t let any of the situations stop me from being great, I might have paused a bit to cater to my emotions, but after that, I went about my business. And please don’t assume I’m good because of how I look. I know how I look and I know how men look at me, but that’s not a major factor of my self-esteem. My confidence comes from the fact that I’ve been able to push through any difficulties that face me and know that whatever I grow from is going to build me to be stronger so I can conquer the next hurdle. My confidence also comes from the fact that each stage of my life, I’ve elevated. I’m not at the same place I was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. And my peace is knowing that I have people who love and see me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Song: “Can I” by Kehlani

So ladies, if you have a man, a lover, or a sweetheart, that’s great, but don’t lose yourself in them. Because no matter how that plays out, you still have you. And that’s what I’m teaching and showing my kids, no matter who they love, they still need to take care of themselves too. When I am going through pain or a stressful situation, sometimes I seclude myself so I can figure out how I want, should, or need to feel. I may book a spa appointment, go on a weekend trip by myself, stay in bed and watch tv all day, or just head out to have a drink. You have to reconnect with yourself. Love can stress you out and these men sometimes don’t make it better, but you can’t rely on them for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are amazing men out here. Much of them are my friends, and they are so amazing that sometimes when I am hanging out with them and one of their sweethearts are around they still see about me first and make sure I’m okay and having a good time before checking on their lovers. Most men are not like this, but that is the difference with my friends seeing and loving me for me because they know as strong as I can be, I’m still very delicate and they treat me as such. And this is what I meant when I say having friend groups that support all that you are. I remember one time, one of my friends got stood up on a date and she called me about it. I told her to stay put and I got dress went to meet her because I wasn’t going to let her waste her efforts of looking nice and letting some clown make her feel bad about herself. But I like being that type of friend for my friends . Although, you should have people who do that for you too.

Find your groove with who you currently are. Embrace it all, even your flaws. Fck these men. A lot of them never know what they have until it’s gone. Let them miss it and go on about your life. And Baby, don’t let the pain keep you from having love in your heart because trust me, there is going to be someone who matches your energy and you’re going to be so thankful that you didn’t let the heartache turn you cold. And be patient with your heart it goes through a lot so take care of it. Okay?

Hugs and Kisses - Raya L.

Bedroom Moves

January 10, 2023

2 Part Audio.

Before we start… I want to say something to some of the ladies here. The reader who sent me this video disclosed to me that a man she used to be involved with now is surrounding himself with several younger women. Ladies, if these men want to be like Puff/Diddy, let them have their free spirited, don’t gave a damn about anything but drinks and smoke and living on a whim type girls, let them have it. Whatever they’re going through or whatever attention or validation they need from those girls, let them have it.

But let’s be clear, Puff has created his own empire, his own world and how he manages his life isn't how most of these man manage theirs. Once you see a man entertain a much younger woman and barely interacts with you, Baby, he's not for you and you're not for him. Because if he was a man of your stature, he wouldn't be giving all his attention to girls who still need years to catch up to where you are. Baby, it’s okay, because you're going to find a man who loves you at your age and admires all that you've accomplished and kiss all your pains away. Don't worry about these 40/50 year old men who still likes young ass on them, there’s an identity issue there, and you don't need his issues to be yours. Stay who you are and the right one will love you for it. Ok? Hugs and kisses. 😘

Now let’s move on…..

Obviously, this topic isn’t for me. It’s for all you sexually active lovers. How’s life over there? You like it? Surprisingly, I do not miss sex as much as people expect me to. I guess people assume that I’m this sexual deviant who has to have a different lover every month to feed my lustful appetite. — Ummmm, NO. I want an authentic mental connection with someone. I don’t want someone just to skim through my pages, I want him to carefully read through my lines and find the hidden stories that I keep from the world. I want someone to know my flaws and still be patient enough to see me as someone who constantly willing to learn the life around me. I also want someone to see that I don’t give up easily and that I’m loyal to the end even when I’m hurting and being misunderstood. The point is, don’t take me at face value because I’m more than what I show people.

So I read a few articles about sex and how to best please your partner and how to keep things exciting between the two of you. I’m just going to summarized what I read and tag the articles separately.

Types of Sex Couples Should Have:

Morning Sex - What’s not great about starting your day with some penetration?
Spontaneous Sex - I love this kind of sex. It’s unexpected, passionate, and all the juices are just flowing making every moment exciting.
Make Up Sex - I like think type of sex too. Your emotions are involved, the anger and love mixed into one and you forget about all the problems and just look into each other.
Romantic Sex - This is probably more in my lane because I’m a sensual person. I love the tender kisses. I love being held and looking into each other’s souls and infusing our bond with a deeper connection. (Pun intended).

Praise Kink - This is not a new concept, but it’s a new term for talking during sex and saying things that praise your partner such as:

You're such a good girl/boy.
It’s so big.
No one can do it like you.
You are the best.

You're so good at [insert skill].
You look so good when you [insert activity].
You taste so good.
Just like that… keep going.
You feel so [insert verb or adjective]
*This isn’t a praise kink, but I love hearing a man moan, such a turn on

Sex Pillows - You can buy special pillows to make the feeling more pleasurable for you and your partner, but you can really use any firm pillow; it’s where you position it that matters. When the woman is on the bottom and facing you, put the pillow right under the hips, if she’s turned around, put the pillow under the lower stomach. If the man is on the bottom, have him sitting slightly up with the pillow supporting his back. The pillow position option helps with better pivotal points and makes the sensation more exciting, plus with the man on the bottom, having the pillow behind him gets his body closer to yours and more opportunities for neck kisses and…ummmm…nipple attention.

And I want to add this last one, it’s not a sex thing, and of course I’ve not been able to do this because I’m keeping men away from me and completely avoiding them 😂, but I would love just lay in bed with a man and sit my legs on him while he’s watching to TV and I'm in my glasses typing away on my laptop. I'm a square huh? I’m okay with that because I know there's a man who's going to love that I just like to chill out and do simple things. We’ll show out every now and then, but home is where the heart is and I want to feel like home to a man. Stay safe out there. 😉

Article References for Types of Sex and Praise Kinks: www.xonecole.com (Necole started out as a celebrity blogger and now focuses her topics on women’s empowerment, relationships, business, health and wellness).

The Power Of Compliments

January 6, 2023

Some of you asked why the last 2 posts didn’t have any personal pictures, honestly, I just did not make time to take any and it is very likely that only a few posts here and there will have photos of me. It’s just time consuming to do that and I want to focus more on the content than the images. Also, with my upcoming term, I am going to start doing more research into my dissertation and that will take up much of my attention along with other business tasks I have. Other news I want to share….somehow I lost 10lbs during the holidays! Not sure how I did it, but if I can take off another 20lbs, that would be ideal! What is the saying? It takes up to 2 months for you to notice a difference, but up to 4 months for others to notice the difference? Well, we’ll see.

Do you all get compliments often? Would you believe me if I told you that I don't get compliments often? It’s true. Of all the people I know about 3 or 4 of them compliment me frequently and none of them are men. 😐 I don't require people to compliment me we've already cleared the air that I have a healthy self esteem. But there was an interaction recently that made me think about this a little more.

I was at a bar sitting next to someone I’ve known for a long time and we were having an amusing discussion about this topic and I mentioned that he doesn't ever give me compliments. His response was that my head was already big enough and that he doesn't think he should compliment me. I’ll be honest, this kind of hurt my feelings a little. Not the big head comment part, I can take that and a lot of jokes and sarcasm, but it was the idea of him assuming I get complimented all the time so there's no point in him doing it. That's what bruised me a bit. It’s like saying, I don’t need to tell you happy birthday because everyone else already told you or not telling someone “congratulations” because everyone else is doing it. Now I’m wondering if other guys think the same thing, like she's already being told she's special so I don’t have to make her feel special.

NEWSFLASH: That is such bullshit, to the men who are in relationship, I hope you don’t think this way. It would mean more to me to get a compliment from my partner than getting it from other people. And the guy seemed very adamant about what he said and how we know each other made his words sting…Like okay, you just confirmed I’m not your cup of tea. Do whatever you want and go hang out girls you like and that more your type. — He can stop wasting any silly moments with me and go hang out with who he really wants to hang out with.

There is power in words. And you never really know how your words affect other people. And with how that person responded, it just confirmed a few things for me so it's fine.

Ladies, can you agree there's a difference when we get compliments form certain people? There's a difference between getting them from people we know vs strangers. Even getting compliments from you parents feels different than getting them from your friends. Sometimes compliments are like words of affirmations and words that encourage. So if you admire or appreciate someone, it's good to say nice things to them and not just about their appearances, but about their qualities too. I don't mind someone saying something about my looks, but I’d rather someone say good things about my character, what impression did I leave with you or that I continue to leave with you? Did I make enough of an impact onto you that you think about me frequently? That you like seeing me smile or hearing me laugh? No, we don't need compliments, but getting them from certain people can make a difference.

Selfish

January 1, 2023

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

So lets start this new year on a high note. All last year I advocated for you all to love people, give them grace, give them time and space to get through their own dealings or whatever they need to go through but don't forget to do this for yourself too. Be Selfish with yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit. Everyone doesn't always deserve your time and energy. You need to keep some for yourself too. One week I can be very social and talk or text someone every day and the next week, you may barely hear from me. This does not mean anything is wrong (although, keep in mind it’s still good practice to check on people, just incase there is an issue), but most of the time I allocate my time and energy sparingly.

Last week I watched a dear friend try to hold back the tears when talking about a loved one he recently lost, but I couldn't hold back tears and even though it wasn't my loss, I still needed time to decompress the emotions I had for my friend and his family. I only reached out to people who knew him also and closed myself off to those who didn't know him or the family. I send comforting messages to all those people and even the one person I have a colorful history with, I decided months ago and I would not let any past issues to get in the way of sharing love towards him too…despite hearing and seeing certain things, but I’m not making that important because not letting go of pain keeps us in that moment and doesn't allow us to move forward (maybe one day we’ll be able to have a reasonable discussion about the little details, probably on a day that doesn’t end with “Y” - inside joke). Anyway, I tend get very selective during sensitive circumstances because I know I cannot fully be myself when I'm affected by something. So yes, people may hear less from me when I do this.

When things occur that make us emotional or requires making multiple decisions, we have to separate ourselves from the world to focus. I have a very unhealthy habit of suppressing my emotions and eventually it affects my decisions and how I behave. Some people see me as cold and standoffish while others see me as warm, but extremely private. I never liked sharing all of my news whether good or bad to people. I guess that’s selfish of me, but it also helps me think through what I want for myself. People are not one dimensional, we have layers and I don’t always pull back all of mine. And how I make decisions or get through things is something I am going to continuously learn to do because every situation isn’t going to require the same thoughts. I always want to be bettering myself whether or not people see that. Those who understand the process of growth, also understand the growing pains.

Enough with the cerebral talk…with keeping on the topic of being selfish, Fellas you can stop here. Ladies, to those of you who are on the same path as me and keeping your goods to yourself until someone helps you decide otherwise, I came across this very interesting necklace. And if you read my post about pH Balance, I am still very serious about not letting anyone mess that up and I don’t know about all women, but my pH balance is very sensitive. My body can tell within hours if something is not right with my Hello Kitty. Even when I was trying out different soaps and body washes, that girl down there let me know right away what she did and didn’t like. But anyways, about this special necklace, Ladies go ahead an use the CONTACT ME feature to learn more about what I found and to those of you who already know about it, we can share notes.

Self-Esteem

January 1, 2023

A few readers sent comments in:

“There's no such thing as an Uber? Was he her only friend? A man taking the same girl home each time something is going on.”

“Just like no response is a response, not answering is also an answer. Girl, he was fckn her.”

“Sis, I don’t even take my platonic friends home like that. Trust your intuition. She want him and he want her. The men who only be around girls that be all over them are suspect. Hoes are thirsty and men love that shit.”

— This is in response about the guy who had the girl all over him and skipped around the answer when I questioned if there was something between them. 😏

“How is it that I never met you but I still know when you're not being serious about something. Damn are your friends really your friends?”

— Lol. Not all of them understand my jokes. Sometimes I like to say things that make people think outside the box and some of them aren't ready for it. 😆

This topic is going to be a little complex so pay attention.

A few times when I go hang out with my guy friends I have a quirky way of asking if there is going to be another woman with them by asking, "Are you with someone because I want to know where my self-esteem needs to be." 😆 Now, let's be clear, I do not have self-esteem issues, I'm great, but I also know I'm not everyone's cup of tea 😉. So I like to know what I'm walking into when I do go hang out with my friends and there’s another woman with them:

Is she just another friend
Is she someone you're interested in
Is she someone you have history with
Is she someone who's trying to be with you

Because vibes are different depending on the relationship you have with someone and people can pick up on it. There was one time a guy I know walked into the same place I was at with 2 girls. He didn’t know I was going to be there and I know one of the girls too and she was all over him all night. Touching on him and everytime he got up to move, she followed behind him like they were together. And when I asked the guy if they were fooling around he skipped around the question. I've kind of always speculated something between them for a while because many other times he'd always make a point to take her home. Ladies, men like this are full of shit, and Fellas, if you don’t agree, change my mind. Anyways I never want to walk in a place and make others feel uncomfortable with me being around or feel like my presence is not welcomed by others.

If I'm out with friends, I going to make sure I give everyone equal attention and engage with everyone. Self-esteem is all about what you feel about yourself and I notice signs of low self-esteem when people say certain things or their body language shifts a certain way, it points to insecurity issues.

I've been in situations with women not appreciating me being around because of a guy they like, so they would make it a point to stay close to him and have quiet conversations with him. And my thoughts are, if you were sure about yourself and about him, you wouldn't be acting like that. And guys, this may be over your heads because most of you aren't paying attention, but instead just see it as a women wanting to be next to you. 🙄

Fellas, like who you like, but if you're one of my friends and there's a woman who always seems to act a little different when other woman is around, then she really doesn't need to be out with us. Because women can get very vindictive and as pleasant as I am, I'm only going to put up with so many whispers and side eyes before I end up telling you something that's going to hurt your feelings.

And fellas, if you’re not faciliting the welcomes with everyone, it can be very uncomfortable, so I appreciate getting a heads up about people before hand. So just be mindful the next time you're introducing women to each other.