Continuous Growth

March 27, 2023

The older we get the smarter we're supposed to be, right? We're supposed to learn from our mistakes, yes? Financially, who we date, how we raise our kids, and how we treat people.

Lately, I keep coming across stories where people take a spiritual year to themselves, no dating, no sex, no overdoing social activities, etc. And at the end, they have a clearer understanding of who they are, what they want, and where they want to be. Right now, I'm kind of already doing this, but my reasons were to stay focused on my goals not for any type of self-discovery. I mean, my last intimate encounter was in 2021 with the man whose timeline didn't match up with mine. If you've been here for the last few months then you know what I'm talking about. I know people don’t always remember things the same way, but hey we’re human, right?

And you know what bothers me a little? When men don't think they should treat me special because they think I'm already too special and that other people are treating me special. Let that sink for a bit. Don't worry about what someone may or may not be doing for me, make yourself present and be special to me.

Anyway, so I am thinking about doing more research on this year of self-reflection. I believe one of my guy friends did this a few years ago, I'll have to reach out to him and ask him a few things. It is a good time for me to do it since I'm already practicing one of the things and I'm very focused on my studies, not to mention my work and how I'm planning on blending those two.

The point is I don't want to be getting older and making mistakes or keep making the same mistakes that I should know better than to do. I want to get wiser. Plus, I have 2 kids watching my moves. I not my kids' friend, I'm their mother and even though I let my babies make their own decisions, I still give them caution. I talk to my children like growing adults because that exactly what they are. My son is already learning life skills. He knows how to cook a lot of different meals and he getting really good at it. He also knows how to do his laundry, and other things that he would need to know to do when he goes off on his own and he's just in middle school. My daughter is headed off to college this year and is going to begin her post high school years without me at arms reach. These are important transitions that happening with my family.

So I wouldn't be going too far off the reservation if I take a "Spirital Me Year". The thing is I know what I want, I'm clear of who I am and I'm not ashamed to express my flaws, I just don't have patience when other people refuse to acknowledge their faulty characteristics. Like if you have a good heart then you don’t make your friends or loved ones feel like they are a bother to you and take time to reach out to them every so often. Being in your feelings is similar to letting your pride take over. I don't want you be like this either where damaging behaviors cause problems with people you should be enjoying time with. And I see these behavioral issues with many "grown" people.

It kind of like having a small mind in a big world. Or another way of saying it is that there's a difference between being from a small town vs. having a small town mentality. Things improve in small towns because people think beyond the town. It’s the same with ourselves, we become better when we think beyond our present state of being.

About the Pics: I’ve been having “Mommy Moments” when I think about my daughter and the fact that is she will be an adult in a few months and then off to college.

So Unattractive

March 21, 2023

“Sometimes you just have to let people go through a clown phase and let them be foolish until they come back to their senses.”

*I also want to mention that is it very attractive when a man acknowledges and owns up to his part in a problem. I love a man who doesn’t let pride make him arrogant or unaware of his faults…even the greatest leaders knew to admit it when they were wrong.

There are a few physical traits that make me look at a man twice such as nice teeth, good grooming, clean nails, athletic build, nice posture, and classic contemporary-style clothing. But, there are a few things a man can do that will make me lose all attraction to him. He can still be handsome, but that's it.

One of the things that make me think less of a man is when he believes he's more than he is. Like saying he's a certain type of man, but acting the opposite. I know someone like this. He intertwines himself with certain people and claims it's about the "connection" but the reality of it is he's so wrapped up in the fallacy of believing these people are like him when it more seems like he wants to be like them. Chasing after things that are not for him when he should be above them. We have a mutual friend and the mutual friend recently asked me, "What's up with your boy?" - I'm like, "My boy?! Nah, you've known him longer than me. You need to talk to him, he won't listen to me." The sad part is I used to see him as such a confident man that makes fairly stable decisions, but the decisions that he has been making recently are causing me to look at him so differently these days. It's one thing to be vulnerable and make a few wrong moves, but it's another thing to defending your poor choices and dismissing people who know you can do better. That is such an unattractive quality.

Remember a few topics back I used the percentage example? Like people being certain percentages depending on where they're at in life. This man is out here hanging around people who are at 20-30% which is bringing his caliber down. He should be at 100%, but I tried telling him and he got defensive. So hey, I'm not getting into that. It's like people who take themselves so seriously that they don't listen to rationale. I don’t have to deal with that bullshit. You're grown. Do what you want.

The 2nd thing that makes me rethink a man is if he's only paying me attention because someone else paid me attention or gave me compliments. Listen, don't take interest in me just because someone else took an interest or finds me attractive. I also find it a little odd when a man is interested in a woman because she looks like or resembles someone famous. Like the girl for looking like herself, not for looking like someone else. This type of behavior is a follower. I don't want a follower, I want a leader.

The next thing that makes a man less attractive is poor time management and lack of communication when there is a delay. I'm very organized. If I plan to be somewhere at a certain time, 95% of the time I'll be there within the hour that I stated. I hate tardiness, but I hate when a man doesn't let me know his time frame has changed. If we made plans, I do expect both of us to honor those plans or at least communicate with each other if those plans need to be delayed or changed.

The 4th thing that makes a man less attractive is his unwillingness to emphasize my perspective, but only wants me to see things his way. I'm pretty sure this is narcissistic behavior and usually this type of person does things that are misleading to people and when it becomes a problem he then tells the narrative from his point of view without considering the other person's position. I understand that if I'm telling a story that involves other people, I'm not just sharing my business, I'm sharing a part of theirs too, so I keep my narrative open for interpretation and don't try to sway people into siding with what I said. People who try to make you think like them tend to always want control.

And the last thing that makes a man less attractive to me is his not knowing how to handle me. And this one is personal because a man would need to know me and pay attention to me to know how to handle me. Now, I've told you I've not been involved with a lot of men right, but with the men I do have experiences with I noticed one distinction with all of them and this may ruffle some feathers…

Coaching SZN

Since these men out here wanna keep bs-ing and playing games.

And that is, men from the northeast handle me better than men from the south. Now before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I'm very brash, I'm forward-thinking, strong-willed, and passionate about my views, and I can be mouthy. Southern men don't very much appreciate that. Again, I've not been involved with a lot of men, so I'm not pulling from a large database, but the men I have dealt with, the southern men, didn't handle me well when they saw other parts of my personality, and I'm not saying they should have, but with the northern men, they knew how to work around my strong characteristics and ease me when I'm being a little too much.

Let me put it to you this way, I need to be put in check sometimes, but not in a way where I'm disrespected or hurt, in a way that a man sets his dominance, shuts me up, but still makes me feel heard and love...yeah this sounds confusing and not all men can do this, like I said I've only seen this with the northeast men. I don't flinch if a man calls me, "Bitch" that's not a cruel word to me. I've been in a situation where I was popping off at the mouth with a guy I was dating and he just smacked his hands together and said, "Bitch! Stfu, and let me talk to you." I'm not saying this is appropriate, but he knew how to get my attention and even though I was still mad, I did stop talking because all he wanted for us to do was have a calm conversation about what I was upset about.

Southern men are different in the way that they don't talk to me like that. The ones that I've been with seem to avoid or run away from trying to resolve issues with me and that causes a little resentment. But outside of any problems, southern men are more chivalrous and gentlemanly, they speak to me very patiently and cater to me as a woman (well, most of them are like this, the other ones are riding on their bs...they know who they are). And I appreciate the southern men for these sweet qualities. Although, if I were to come across a man with both northern masculinity and southern hospitality, yeah...I'd probably break my celibacy and give him the goods. I'd let him take full advantage of me. Might even fly him out on vacation and buy him a short set. And get him some steak and lobster too.

Let me not think about that for too long before I lose my composure. Anyways, so these are the types of things that turn me off from a man. What about you ladies?

I’m Dating A Married Man

March 13, 2023

“If you’re not with her and she’s still on your mind when no one is bringing up her name, she’s still in your heart.”

Before I start, let me share something with you all. So the other day, someone says to me, "All you're worried about is work and your degree." And oh did I have a response. I'll just summarize it for you. - What should I be worried about, fam?! I'm not some broad working an entry-level job, making just enough and with roommates to split the bills with. I've never collected unemployment and never accepted that to be an option for me and as a matter of fact and I don’t even remember the last time I got a tax refund. And when people were getting those covid relief funds, I didn't qualify for it. So if me being focused on work and school is an issue to someone, then baby your hustle ain't the same as mine. What would you rather me do, watch reality shows and talk about what the celebrities are doing or get into other people’s business? You can get out of my face with that underdeveloped mindset.

I have a lot of things going on in my life and a man isn't one of them. I have my guy friends who I speak with from time to time and who I also try to hang out with when schedules permit, but they have their lives too. So again, no man in my mix other than my son. But you ladies send me the most interesting stories sometimes. The ones that I get the most are about being in relationships with married men. Now I don't judge and frankly, I'm not even surprised. The more you experience life, the less shocking things are.

One of you ladies sent me a message that sat with me a little. This lady shared that she's been in a 5 year relationship with a man who's been married for 6 years. She tells me that he has 6 year old twins which is the main reasons for his marriage. In addition to this, she's known this man for 8 years and they always had an weakness for each other. And even with his marriage and his kids, they couldn't resist still seeing each other. I don't think there's a man in my life that I can't resist. And in the same breath, I don't know there's a man who can't resist me or maybe there is and he just keeps his distance. But that's a messy situation to be in, to be emotionally involved with someone who can't or won't completely be with you.

I would have told the reader to just have her fun because I do know of people who get involved without any serious attachments. Like my one friend, he loves his wife and children but he does do some extra things outside of his family. Even though I don’t agree with all of that, I admire that he is very upfront with the other women. He lays out his boundaries which then puts the decision on the woman to decide if she is okay with his conditions or not. I’ve seen him do this and I’ve known him a fair amount of years to know that if a woman were to claim that my friend told her things like he was going to leave his family for her, I’d know that would be a lie because he doesn’t talk like that and he doesn’t carry himself like that. There’s another friend I have who has been married a long time too that if a woman made claims that he was inappropriate with her, I’d called her a lying whore because I know my friend and he would never do anything offensive towards a woman. Look, I stand by my friends, especially the men who take care of their homes and families regardless of any extracurricular activities they may be involved in.

The Effort Series

This is actually a photo from a few weeks ago. I bought this dress because I liked the color, not because I had anywhere to wear it to. Many of the things in my closet are random buys like this one.

But, as for the reader who sent me the message, it seems like her heart is really invested in this man and this relationship. And it must be painful to love someone who goes home to his wife and children every night. Girl, I don't know what to tell you and I don’t how you're doing it. I could say so many feminist things like, just find you someone else, stop being stupid, you're better than this, let that man have his wife....but I know love and infatuation is complicated and you won’t let go of that man until you’re ready to do so. I have had friends who’ve gotten involved with people I knew were not a good fit for them, but I didn’t say anything because they wouldn’t have heard me…I have friend like this now who I’m secretly questioning their choices. They needed to see it for themselves and the best thing I could do was to just keep being supportive of them. Plus, I have my own demons with the men I've loved, so I really can't tell anyone who they can and cannot want. And I don’t know anything about the man’s marriage and we all know everyone’s marriage works differently. As for you, my lovely reader, I do wish you the best in this situation and hope you end up with a man who wants to come home to you and call you his wife.

We can't save ourselves from being hurt and keep making the decision that cause us to hurt, but we can always try to be happy. The question is, can with live with happiness that's at the expense of someone else?

Reader Input: Seeing Someone?

March 7, 2023

“If you can’t learn to laugh at yourself or uncomfortable situations, your soul needs adjusting.”

I like to read a lot, not just for study, but just for leisure and I’ve noticed many authors insert themselves into their stories in one way or another. Now, I am not claiming to be an author, but I do share pieces of my life with you guys. For instance, the other day I was sitting at the bar doing work…yes, I am that type of square. Hey, someone will appreciate my hustle…anyway, I was writing in my notebook and a friend came up to me to say hi. This same friend is someone I made attempts to call to check on him and left my calls unanswered and when I mentioned it to him, you wanna know what this man said to me???? — “I was in my zone.” — Now, I didn’t say what I wanted to say, because I wanted to say, “Oh so you didn’t respond to your other friends either? Or you just had an issue responding to me?” Nope, I kept it pleasant and accepted the answer he gave me. But, this mthrfckr (and I say that with love, because I have nothing against him) but this mthrfckr was really trying to downplay how well we know each other. So I’m like okay, sir, tell me what you want to, I hope that answer made you feel good, I’m not going to make a fuss about it. I was just taken back with that excuse. I’m in my zone too, but I still reach out to people.

Anyway, that’s not the topic here. The topic is one from last month where a reader shared their thoughts on. In the post called “Are You Seeing Someone” we talked about how people don’t share if they are involved with someone and some reasons why they don’t want people knowing they are involved. Remember, there is a difference between not talking about your relationship vs. not admitting you are in a relationship. So the reader gave me a scenario to put myself in. Say I was intimate with someone but, did not tell people or certain people, what would be my reason? And the reader claims one of the main reasons is that I would be keeping the opportunity open for someone else and that I am really just passing the time with the person I am currently intimate with. And this made me think: Is this the underlying reason for us to keep some people a secret? Because we are anticipating for something to happen with someone else?

Now, I am still being selfish with myself….yeah, none of those dates went anywhere…and I’m okay with that, but let’s say for example I become intimate with the 20 something I told you guys about (I’m sorry if you guys are getting annoyed with hearing about him, but’s he’s the only one who has put aside his pride and consistently expressed that he wants me, and I do admire that in any man.) I already know it’s not going to be anything serious because I cannot give him all that he wants, so if a man of my level comes into my life, would I be more likely not to share with him that I have a lover so that I don’t risk him becoming distant from me? It does seem logical, even though it is not completely the right thing to do. I think it’s a matter of chances. Do I chance telling him I am sleeping with someone even though it’s not serious, in hopes that he may become serious with me? So then I would be in a sort of triangle playing with people’s emotions. — I cannot do that.

Why is this so complicated? See this is why I still think a “Homie-Lover-Friend” is the best option for me, but the only problem is all my homies are deeply involved or firmly married and I don’t get in between things like that or I have certain boundaries with some of them that I will not cross. But I also have to be honest with myself. With all that I have going on, can I really give enough attention to a relationship right now? Honest answer: NO. I mean, I just told you guys I was working at the bar. There’s big projects I’m overseeing with work and I have my own project I’m developing for school, not to mention my family dynamics and my first born going off to college in the fall, so I’d really need someone not to feel slighted or unwanted when I am on tunnel vision or when I’m giving my attention to other things.

And I want to be able to relax with someone and not be accused of not caring because I am not making enough time for him. I am loyal to a default, if I am sleeping with a man, he’s the only man I’m sleeping with unless I decide otherwise and make it clear that it’s done. You can see my hanging out with a bunch of random men or even just my guy friends and make assumptions, but I will still only be sleeping with one man. I actually had a relative conversation with one of my guy friends about not introducing him or other guy friends to anyone I’m seeing. I told him I probably could not bring someone I am sleeping around our unique group of male friends because they are very affectionate and flirtatious with me. The hug on me and always make sure I have a drink in my hand and that I’m enjoying myself. So unless the man I am seeing already knows these guys personally, he would think something inappropriate was going on with one of them.

I also want someone who takes interest in what I am doing. Like if I tell him what my research topic is for my degree, I’d love him to give me some suggestions or even point me to some contacts that could benefit my research. These are things that are important to me, but I won’t be one-sided, I’ll be invested in things important to him too. I want a mutual support of each others goals. If he doesn’t talk about his ambitions or want my input, then yeah it will be one-sided. I can’t engage if he doesn’t give me anything to engage with.

I think I lost track of the initial topic…if I am sleeping with someone and I am not telling a certain man or people that I have someone intimate, then would be fair to say that I am trying to avoid the conflict of someone not taking interest in me because they’ll think I am already in a relationship? Is this how it’s supposed to work?

Wifely Duties (NSFW)

March 2, 2023

'“My kitty doesn’t beat for a handsome man. It beats for a man who shows me he’s an honorable man.”

Let’s start March with a bang. If you are at work please do not listen to this on speakerphones.

I love when you readers send me questions and want my opinions. A woman wrote to me saying that she has not been in the mood for a long time and she is starting to feel like her husband is pulling away from her. She says he is a good man, he works hard, he is very catering to her and isn’t the type of man who thinks a woman’s place is at home, cooking and clean. He does his fair share of maintaining their home too and he’s a great father to their kids. So she wants to know what she should do because she loves her husband, but she just hasn’t been feeling like getting down in the bedroom.

Ok, I am about to be raw with you guys so please don’t listen if you are overly sensitive to certain terms…

The Effort Series

I really did have fun with this red color.

Baby…ain’t shit out here in these streets. There is piss all up an down these roads, okay. 90% of these men will waste your time and just want you at their convenience. Their penises come with bs that you don’t need especially if you are a woman who has her shit together, career, home, healthy bank accounts, things like that. That dick that comes with the bs, isn’t stable dick and will also make you unstable. The other 10% may or may not be single. And the ones who are single are probably 25 years old, like the young man I’ve been telling you about. His grown is not the same as my grown, and if I give him some of me, I’m going to snatch his soul. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want that on my conscious, so I am going to spare him. But honey, back to your marriage, it sounds like you have a great man. First thing I suggest is to go to the doctor, your gyn, to get everything checked out and tell your doctor what’s going on. It may be health related. If there is an issues, get it solved and if there isn’t, the next thing you need to do is go get some lingerie, some oils, candles, and some sensory toys. Then get a babysitter, book you a nice hotel room, get some room service and take care of your husband! Arch you back, get on your knees, lick it up, swallow it, do the most on your husband. Let him know that your body wants him and how much you appreciate all that he does for you and your family. Because like I said, AIN’T SHIT OUT HERE IN THESE STREETS!

Ladies, we cannot get too high and mighty and letting other people get in our heads about not catering to your good man. That “City Girl” life…leave it to the city girls, they just want to frolic and have fun and that’s work for some women, because their life ain’t your life. You have to face what you currently have. And if you have a good man at home, let him know it.

Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.