Acts of Service

April 28, 2023

“Don’t ask me who else is taking my attention, instead be the one I want to make time for.”

With me keeping myself to myself going on 2 years now and a learning more detailed tidbits about myself. So we’ve talked about the 5 Love Languages before:

Words of affirmation - Words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.

Acts of Service - Anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.

Receiving Gifts - Thoughtful gift shows to you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favorite snack after a bad day.

Quality Time - You feel loved when you get undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important. Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

Physical Touch - Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner.

I am now identifying that my languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Third and forth is quality time and is physical touch. And the last is receiving gifts. And this makes a lot of sense to me and I think when I was younger, the order was different and physical touch was my top one. On top of that, I fully understand why receiving gifts is at the bottom because objects don’t hold value to me as much as the person and spending time with them.

I think I started noticing this about myself through my communication with my little young Chicago boy, btw, he’s not too upset with me anymore. I don’t know if I shared this previously, but my little youngin’ was irritated that I was not answering his calls and making time to hang out with him. To be honest, I was trying to distance myself a little because I felt he was getting too close and didn’t want him to feel mislead by me. So I am still treading lightly and my biggest gripe about him is his dialogue. Like he’ll text me randomly and just type “Hey” — WTH am I supposed to do with that, he knows I am highly intelligent so why would he think that is going to solicit a response from me? I need depth, I need context, not the bare minimum. I mean I can dumb it down and be mediocre, but there’s a limit to that. Okay…I’m being facetious with what I am about to say…English is not my first language, so your dialogue and vernacular should be a lot better than mine.

But here’s the other part to it, this young man does know how to talk to me sometimes. And I’ll never admit this to him, but he did catch my attention when he was getting a little playfully aggressive and saying things like, “I know you’re older, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want too and right now, I want to see you.” 😳 And then he told me, “I know you’re not slow so stop acting like it, unless you found some new dude, let me know when you’re free.” 👀 Listen, when he was talking to me like this, I was just on the other end of the phone like, this boy really don’t know how attractive he’s being right now 😜! I guess this is another perspective of Words of Affirmation! I definitely need to be careful with this young man and keep reminding myself I cannot give him everything he wants, especially since in one of our conversations I learned that there’s only a few years difference between me and his mother! Yeahh…NO, I’m not playing those games. 🚫

Although, aside from his age and poor texting skills and maybe a few other things, he’s still a great young man and surprisingly he's gotten comfortable enough to talk to me about certain things like money. Ladies, this kid is 25 years old and already making six figures 😳! And he looking to buy his first investment property and he asking me about stocks and going back to school to get his Master's degree. I applaud him. Like, how many 25 years olds do you know who are this disciplined?! He’s not out here without a place of his own and no car walking around talking about other people, he's got his shit together. I don’t know what the universe is doing, but if I were to be involved with someone younger, it would be this a person similar to this.

Another thing I notice, and let me know if you’ve had this experience or picked up on this too, I notice that there is a difference with younger women dating older men and younger men dating older women. With the younger women, they are more willing to change themselves, their values, their routines, their behaviors to fit the older man or to appease him…I’ve witnessed this first hand so I know I am on to something here, talking about “I don’t go out that much anymore” — 😒 Girl, you’re still a kid, you’re supposed to go out and play. You may be fooling that older man, but you ain’t fooling me. But with the younger men, they do not change much of themself. The main difference with them is they are more aware that older women have experienced more things in life so these younger guys are more willing to listen and try to understand an older woman. I like that. 👍🏽

Now with acts of service, I feel like that brings so much value to my life. If you are doing things that make my day go by easier, I don’t know if I can keep myself from not loving you. And it’s not just gentlemanly things like walking me to my door or checking on me, it’s asking if I need something from the store before you come over or offering to cook me dinner and cleaning the dishes after, even if I refuse (because independent women have gotten used doing things on our own), you still know that is something I admire from a man, even if he’s just a friend. I’ve have plenty of platonic friends who do things for me that make my days better and I absolutely love them for it. Like offer to water my plants if I am going to be out of town for a long period of time, little simple things like that I find value with. 🥰

Old Sitcom Loves

April 22, 2023

“I will never go hungry, I just don’t accepted everything that’s offered to me.”

“I am impressed by a man who shows me he has good values.”

I've been watching 80s and 90's sitcoms lately and noticed how cute the interactions are with two people who like each other. Saying sweet things to each other, giving each other compliments, and offering to help and support. It may sound corny, but I remember getting butterflies over a high school crush. And I'm wondering if I could have that feeling again. But let me not confuse you guys, I still cannot dedicate myself to a relationship, I would just like to have that little cutesy feeling and some innocent flirting.

The Effort Series

I do not remember what year this was, but boy I LOVE embracing femininity!

Do you remember how you were in high school? You know like how you might get nervous to talk to someone so you're a little shy but you don't want to say the wrong things so you might stumble over your words and be a little awkward.

Please don't judge me. And let me be honest with you guys, I do get nervous and somewhat awkward when someone compliments me. I just don't know how to take compliments because I feel like I never know if it's genuine or not or if they're just saying it because it sounds good to say.

Ugh...I just would like to have sweet moments where a guy makes me smile and just feel good about everything...and then let me go off to study. I need to get this degree first! Penis is not my priority, but I still want a guy to be there for me. Is that selfish? Like, I'd comfort him too, maybe make out a little? Yeah, I sound super corny, I just can't give all of myself to anyone right now.

But if I were to keep being honest with myself, I do like it when a man surprises me. Not with flowers or gifts, but shows me the type of character he is. I get very impressed if I find out a man involves himself in community service, coaches a kids sports team, or mentors the youth. I FCKN LOVE IT. We can work, then bs and party, but I love it when a man does things beyond himself and shows me that he has a very good heart. And in these sitcoms you see the characters go through life lessons and learn from their mistakes. I love seeing growth in a man. I love knowing a man identifies his issues and makes a conscious effort to do better. A man like this has good morals and values and a man like this would be a blessing to my life.

Convos With The Fellas

April 13, 2023

“My latest whip, my latest chick both foreign…I ain't left the city once, still travel abroad.” - J. Cole

I reference my guy friends frequently. We talk about all things from social bs to business bs and they are very unfiltered with me, which I greatly appreciate. Here are some insightful tidbits from conversations I have had with the fellas:

I AM THE CATCH: My friend and I were talking about dating and he said if he dates a woman who has not accomplished some of the same things he has, then HE IS THE CATCH. In summary, he said: “If that girl is a sales clerk, working at McDonalds, or waiting tables, she can’t fuss at me about anything I’m doing because I AM THE CATCH. You just worry about making sure people get their food on time. And if you ask me if I am talking to other people, YES TF I AM, because you don’t match me. You ain’t bring nothing to the table, I am the table.“ — Now, ladies, please don’t be hard on my boy here or me because I completely agree with him, if you’re not matching me in what I’ve got going on in my life then Yeah, you just worry about you. And if you are working in retail that’s not a bad thing if that’s the field you want to stay in and you’re moving up to be in management or own your own store or even work in luxury stores like Chanel, that’s great. That is a goal! It’s the same if you are working in the restaurant or bar business and you are learning to move up in the industry. Baby, you do that! One of my favorite bars I go to, with some of the bartenders that’s their passion and skill, some of them are in school and just making some pocket money, and other are learning the field to start their own businesses. There is nothing wrong with that, just have a vision and make the move to make is a reality.

AGE GAPS: This is actually a common topic with most of the fellas mainly because they are of a certain age, but they are still attractive to younger women because they are handsome AND because of the first bullet point: They ARE the catch and listen, I would not want any of my guy friends making a fool of himself chasing after a child that’s not their own, what sense does that make? And all of my guys have said these something similar to this: “WTF am I going to talk about with a 25 year old? If we are just hanging out at the lounge that’s one thing, but there’s no reason to take it further than that.” One of the fellas said, “These girls talk too much and bring around their friends and they sit and gossip and be petty with each other and trying to be Instagram models and dancing on TikTok, you can keep that over there.” — Again, I agree with my guys. But the funny thing is, they also know about the 25 year old that’s been trying to get me and they all tell me to go have my fun with him and then send him home because apparently when they were all younger, they fooled with older women and said that experience taught them a few things about how grown women like to be and do things.

There Is No Reason For You To Not Be Successful: Now you already know I agree with this. One of the fellas said, “You have the internet where you can learn anything you need to make money, ain’t no reason for anyone to be broke and struggling.” He is so right. If you’re in college or just starting to work, yes it’s going to take time to make the money you want, but if you’re getting older and still relying on other people to get you right, then baby, you are a DEPENDENT and going back to point 1. I Am The Catch and you need to focus on building yourself up to be the catch too.

“I’m Going To Tell The Truth Because I Can Deal With The Consequence”: Two of the fellas have told me that they are very honest with women and their intentions. They let them know they are dating around or talk to other people. If they are out with one woman and another woman they are seeing comes around, they don’t ignore her, they will get up and greet her and show her love. And if it starts to get uncomfortable they will take the time to speak to each woman separately and be honest about what is going on with the other woman. — Ladies, with this one it is kind of a hard pill to swallow because there is not a large pool of decent men who mark off all the things we are looking for and when we do find that man our naturally instinct is not to want to share him and I said that to both of these guys. If I really like someone, I don’t want to see him with another woman regardless if our situation is casual or not, but I understand their point of view too and they both have said that they don’t go to the same place with the different woman so it limit the chances of running into each other and having any issues. So they do make a conscious effort to keep their ladies separate from one another.

“Hoes Balance Society”: These are the wise words from one of craziest fellas. He says look, you can be married, dating, focused on work and have a lot of things going on, but every now and then you just need to let loose, drink, fck, do some crazy shit, and get home safe. I love this man.

Don’t Bring Any Corny Dudes Around Us: Now this one is specifically for me. They strong on me not dealing with any nonsense from any man. Because no. 1, they are guys so they know how other guys are. No. 2, they are going to size him up to make sure he is good enough for me and No. 3, regardless if he is good enough for me or not the fellas are still going to hug on me, be fresh with me, talk shit to me and be how they normally are with me so if I man I bring around a man, he’s going to have to be very confident, otherwise he’s going to be upset with me and assume that I have something is going on with one of the guys. Yeah, I’m just not going to bring anyone around them. And they told me that I better not be on any dating apps. Another funny thing is if I am out with one of them and they see a guy trying talk to me but the guy doesn’t seem up up to their standard or my standards they will act like my man. The last friend I hung out with he went to the bathroom and another man came up to him and asked if I was with him. So I guess my friend knew he wasn’t for me told the dude, “Yeah, that’s my wife.” And this type of thing has happened a few times where one of the fellas will block a guy from talking to me because they knew it would be a waste of time for me.

One of the main reasons I love these guys is because they tell me how it is, they don’t water anything down for me, there is no bs-ing with them, and they are so supportive of me living how I want. So yeah, those are my fellas. I rock with them.

Codename: "Poppa"

April 8, 2023

“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

**We met on April 25, 2015 under unplanned and unexpected circumstances. I did not expect to hear from him again after this date.**

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

**We always let things happen as they needed to.**

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

“Poppa”

On this day we had no clue what was to come next.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.

Northern vs. Southern Men

April 1, 2023

“Peace & Tranquility: When you have good energy, you want to transfer good energy to others, otherwise you could be closing out on something that you may still need to reflect upon.”

Before I start, I’d like to say “Hi” to a special reader/listener. I don’t take this person as someone who relishes in gossip, so I do not presume that someone is coming to my site to check what I’m doing just to tell someone else about it. So HELLO, my love!

The Effort Series

Even when I am casually out, I try to make a point to be stylish.

I also want to mention that with anything I write or say I do not claim to be right, I am just giving my reflection of an idea or experience. My intimate experiences are not the same as my platonic experiences and when you can identify the difference between the two, you can identify the variations in how you communicate with people depending on your current status with them. We do speak with people we are intimate with differently than how we speak to people we are not intimate with, correct? And you want to practice pulling the positive things through instead of highlighting the negatives, otherwise those not so great thoughts take over how to respond to certain people. And if you believe you are a good person who is at a good place in life, then you look for the light in all things instead of the darkness; don’t pick and choose when you want to have a good heart; have a good heart.

Let’s get on to the topic….

I’ve been inundated with messages about my comparisons between northern and southern men. Again, I want to make it clear that I am not saying all men are like this, I am only reflecting on my intimate experiences with some men. And someone mentioned something to make that makes a little sense why the two regions of men may act differently towards women. With the southern men, the hospitality stems from seeing women as child bearers, house wives, and caretakers, so being delicate towards them is imprinted into their demeanors because woman “subconsciously” are not seen as equals to southern men, whereas the northern men see women on the same level as them and challenge them just as much as they challenge other men. Hmmmm…I thought that was an interesting perception and wanted to share it with you all.

I don’t want to be seen as lesser than someone, but I also don’t want to be mishandled. With my relations with northern men, they talk to me as if I was a man too because they talk to me knowing that I can understand and comprehended at their same level. My intimate relations with southern men, some of them have spoken to me in a patronizing manner as if I am not smart or capable of breaking down complex ideas. It has more been the notion, “this is what I said and I don’t care what your input is”…that’s the thing I resent the most. I am a highly intelligent woman with a list of accolades, don’t talk to me like a child because I am very slick with my words and can say things that you rethink all of your life choices.

But if we are talking about how to handle a woman, with certain women, they like to be told and not asked. I’m not talking about in a work or professional setting, I am talking about in intimate or even casual settings. For instance, I am going to bring up the 25 year old again. One time he told me he wanted to see me and then further told me where he was going to be and what time he wanted to see me there, he did not ask. I FCKN LOVE WHEN A MAN PHRASES THINGS LIKE THIS TO ME. But as I said before, he is young and I am not going to tread in those waters. Should I also mention that he is originally from Chicago? I mean, it does kind of support my argument. I don’t like when men tiptoe what they want with me. Fam, if you want to see me or hang out, then say it! Don’t let your pride stop you from experiencing good times with me! Plus, there was another time where I didn’t respond to the young man’s messages and calls for a few days and when I finally answered, the first words out of his mouth were: “What you don’t answer anyone anymore?!” His tone wasn’t aggressive, it was more letting me know that he was a bit irritated that I was ignoring him and he just wanted to know how I was doing. I appreciate that type of expression because most men hold things in. I like to know when I do something that does not cast me in the best light, but know how to relay the information to me without being disrespectful or condescending.

The Effort Series

Personal style is exactly what it states: PERSONAL. I like to spin looks that match my mood and energy.

The trick is knowing how to handle a certain type of women when she is being stubborn or getting besides herself. That’s the big difference with how northern and southern men react. Don’t hurt me, but identify that I am upset about something and let me know you are trying to hear me. Northern men have told me to STFU, called me Bitch, Dumbass, and all of the above in the heat of the moment when there is an issue, and those things didn’t hurt my feelings because I was saying the same things back to them and they also knew it was just the heat of the moment. I want to keep making it clear that I am not saying this is right or that it is healthy, I am just identifying the difference of what catches my attention. When I am upset, sometimes you need to handle me with bass. Being too soft with me can interpret a few things to me, 1. You don’t care why I am upset and don’t want to make it better. 2. You lack emotional intelligence. 3. You’re an asshole that is hiding behind being a gentleman thinking your are doing some type of justice. Listen, I’ve had men just give me a tight bearhug just to shut me up and whisper to me to “relax and calm down so we can talk about this” and sometimes I need just that.

Sidebar to my secret reader, I hope you’re paying attention to all of this.

There are great things about both northern and southern men, but as I mentioned in a previous topic, I’d love to have a mix of both. Be gentle with me, but know how to assert dominance when I’m being rough without making things worse.