Give Without Receiving

December 31, 2024

“Cheers To Love”

I am going to make this short, because HAPPY NEW YEAR and you all may have other plans. Usually I have my topics already completed days before I actually post them, but as I am typing this on NYE, I have not decided what I want to do tonight. My energy is a little off and I don’t know if I want to go out with my friends or just stay in and watch the fireworks from my window. But since you are here, I appreciate you taking the time to be here for a few moments. What did Jay-Z say? “You could've been anywhere in the world. But you're here with me. I appreciate that.” (Sidebar: I know Jay-Z started to face some of Puffy’s issues, I’m not saying I believe or do not believe anything, I’m just going to say this: Fellas and Ladies, do not ever think that anything you’ve done in your past won’t be brought up again. Don’t take advantage of people, don’t play with people’s emotions, don’t play with people’s time, and don’t play with people’s money, know the difference between age-appropriate and age-inappropriate relations and relationships and what goes on in those relationships, and lastly, be cognizant of how damaging your decisions can be to others and to yourself.)

There’s always these affirmations that tell us to leave people alone if they are not giving us what we are giving them, and then there are affirmations that encourage us to give people love no matter if we get it back or not. - I more lean on this thought. This doesn’t mean I do not know my value, I absolutely know how amazing I am, I just don’t believe that I should do things with the expectation of getting anything back in return. I think I have been practicing this a lot this past year.

I always believe that when you have a giving heart, you get rewarded in so many other ways. Don’t get wrong, there are a few times where I’d like for someone I show love to show me the same love in return, but that’s not something I harp on and I don’t know what someone else’s beliefs are and everyone shows love differently. For instance, I know I said this before, if I cook for you, I care about you. It’s just something about preparing a meal for people who are dear to me makes me feel good. Or if you are hosting a party, I’m likely to help you clean up or makes sure everyone is comfortable and has what they need. For someone else, they may show love by introducing me to people who can help me in my career, or someone may show love by just calling and checking in on me, or someone may invite me out to a special event because they want to share that time with me and want me to enjoy myself.

There’s a lot of people I care about and I make my best attempts to let each person know in one way or another that they are a part of my “care circle”.

I don’t belive in new years resolutions, because I feel it you want to make a change or do something different then why wait until January? Do it today, do it now. But if you are a new years resolution type of person and you want to feel good about something or feel good about yourself, then my best suggestion is show people you care about them, show up for them, show them patience, support them, praise them, forgive them, reach out them, sometimes the smallest gestures make the biggest difference to a person.

Happy New Year Everyone, and be safe.

Code of Honor

December 26, 2024

“There’s people who think they live by a code, then there’s people who actually do.”

Do you know what it means to live by a code or when people say they live by certain codes of honor? "Living by a code" means to actively follow a set of personal principles or values that guide your actions and decisions in life, essentially acting in accordance with a self-imposed moral compass, even when faced with difficult choices; it signifies a commitment to behaving in a consistent manner based on your own established standards of conduct. Let’s break this down into terms we can all relate to.

To live by a code is to live by a certain discipline. Those disciplines are mapped out by your morals, values, pride, integrity, dignity, or all of the above. For instance, as many of you have already picked up on this, I have a code of privacy. There’s just certain things I do not do or say around people because let’s keep in mind that it’s hard to sway public opinion once they have something set in their minds. Once the public sees something about you, they generate an opinion. So there are just certain things I am not going to allow people to see if I can help it. Say if I go to a strip club and ball out. Don’t take any photos of me and if you do, don’t share it online. There’s nothing wrong with going to the strip club, that’s just my personal time and my personal time doesn’t need to be seen by everyone. And another example is unless I am in a solid relationship with someone, I am not going to keep being seen with the same person over and over again. Like you cannot keep being out with the same person being hugged up on one another and not have people think you two are fooling around. This is part of living by a code. There’s a lot of people who do not understand this. If you don’t have discipline then you are going to be sloppy and reckless with what you show people whether you intend to or not.

I’m going to switch to my professional mode really quickly. You know how companies have Codes of Coduct in their policies? A "code of conduct" is a set of rules, standards, and principles established by an organization to guide the behavior and conduct of its members, outlining expectations for how they should act within the company or group, usually outlines ethics, professionalism, and appropriate behavior in various situations; essentially, it defines the expected norms for employees or participants within a specific context. Same with a Code of Ethics. A "code of ethics" is a set of guiding principles that outlines expected behavior for individuals within a profession or organization, designed to ensure they act in a morally responsible way that aligns with the organization's values and benefits all stakeholders. Whether you are at work, at home, or out socially, there’s always some type of code. And it’s all about how you carry yourself and conduct yourself in different situations. Don’t just talk about what something is or what something isn’t. Or don’t tell people it’s not what it looks like or it’s not what you think when the reality of it is that people go off on what they see. So if what you are showing them isn’t really what it looks like, then live by the code that you are trying to portray and stand on.

I have codes I live by. A code to live by is a set of principles that guide how you behave and make decisions. It can be a few words that summarize your values, how you treat others, and your philosophy about life.

Here are some examples of codes to live by:

The Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated
Honesty: Always be truthful, even when it's difficult
Respect: Treat others with respect and dignity
Responsibility: Take responsibility for your actions and the consequences that come with them
Be tough, but fair: Be fair while also being tough
Keep your promises: Keep the promises you make
Be grateful: Be grateful for what you have
Have the courage to show up: It's better to show up than not even try
Sacrifice: Sacrifice what you want for what needs to be done

Creating a personal code of ethics can help you live with integrity and consistency. It can also help you manage relationships, careers, and personal challenges. Remember we talked about standards. Living by a code is not much different than living with standards. One of you guys sent me a message a while back and said,

“A man who doesn’t have standards, is a man who lacks integrity and dignity, and is the same type of man who will be careless with how he treats women.”

Fellas, you can chime in on what he said and share your thoughts on it.

What are we if we don’t have codes we live by? Who are we if we don’t have standards? When your loved ones are in need or in pain or struggling with something, I have a code that I am going to show up for people I care about. Even if it’s just telling them they are on my mind or wishing them good blessings or sending them a care package, I am going to make sure my loved ones know I am here for them. And if I am in a relationship with someone, I have a code that I am not going to start treating my friends like they don’t matter to me because a relationship should not be an obstacle to your other relationships with people. Don’t start treating people differently because you start seeing someone new. You want to know the craziest thing? My married friends tell me this all the time. They say that if they are fooling with someone, then that person isn’t going to make them act different to their friends. And they don’t just speak it, they prove it by living by their word. One of my guys friends, I know I’ve mentioned him several times here, he’s married, loves his family and has no plans to change his home life. But I’ve met some of his girlfriends and he has not once changed the way he treats me or talks to me when his girlfriends are around. He and the other friends in the same group kind of have this standard that, “Hey Raya has been here, she’s our girl, and we’re going to look out for her each time.” I have no doubt in my mind that they are like this with other people too, because they live by a code of loyalty, honor, and respect and I’m blessed to be part of their code.

There’s just a certain way I live. There’s a discipline I have, and there’s an integrity I want to keep intact. So I have to live by a code. I couldn’t have gotten this far without it.

Be safe everyone.

Phone Down

December 17, 2024

TRIGGER WARNING: This topic will revolve around depression and mental health.

I know we all go through stages of being happy and then being sad, whether or not we identify the causes or parameters of our moods and emotions. My PhD friend and I speak about this often, especially around this time of year. People seem to mentally struggle a little more around the holidays for various reasons. She posted an article on her LinkedIn about how to identify and combat mental health concerns during the holidays. She actually shares a lot of great insightful articles about health and wellness. I very much believe that mental health is still a taboo topic among so many people. Although, I also believe mental health awareness is becoming more accepted in conversations.

There a few factors professionals or doctors look for with mental health:

Biology: Genetics and family history may be a cause of mental health. It’s also possible that exposure to alcohol or drugs has an effect.
Psychology: Stressful events, like a traumatic experience, in a person’s life can alter their psychology and lead to mental health changes.
Social: Social factors like a person’s home environment, community, relationships, employment status and more can affect a person’s mental health.

Signs/symptoms can include mood changes, problems thinking, apathy, appetite issues, etc. The statistics of different age groups is also interesting and I do think that having more and more access to the outside world influences these numbers, what we see, hear, and experience can all be triggers.

Ages 18 to 25: 33.7% have symptoms
Ages 26 to 49: 28.1% have symptoms
Ages 50 and older: 15% have symptoms

I do not ever recall being "stressed" in my preteen and teenage years, but when I speak to my kids, stress is a common word in their dialogue and I can understand considering the world they are growing up in as opposed to the world we grew up in. They literally have an electronic box in front of them all the time that connects them to different details of the world, life, and what their peers are doing. Growing up, I remember getting excited when pagers were able to transmit letters instead of only numbers that we had to decode. And my biggest stress as a kid was pushing STOP on the cassette player before the radio dj started talking so my "mixtape" could sound smooth from one song to the next. Our world was a little more secluded decades ago. My friends and I were more worried about getting to the skate park to see our silly crushes. These days, people seem to be worried about various things like body shapes, being the baddest bitch or the main bitch, being Instagram or TikTok famous, or connecting their self worth to other people. I cannot imagine how people 30 and under are navigating a media forward world and the age gap between me and my oldest is 20 years. I talk to my kids all the time about what they are facing amongst their peers and if they feel pressured to think how other people think just to fit in, be liked, or be accepted. Luckily, my kids mirror my same self-confidence and do not follow the herd.

We've experienced firsthand how so much changes just within a few years let alone 10 and 20 years. And this is one of the things my PhD friend highlights in her research is that our brains have been conditioned and influenced differently. For instance, my influences not only come from being born in a certain generation, limited internet access or social media, or living in different countries, it also comes from being the eldest child, being an immigrant child, being the first daughter, being a young mother, being a wife, being a divorcee, and achieving high academia levels, all of these transitions in my life affects who I am and who I’ve become. And sometimes these things do influence my stress levels and mental wellness.

My friend also says that people who live in small towns and who have not traveled much outside of those small towns or relocated to other small towns, or do not expose themselves outside of their comfort zones keep the same mindset no matter what age they reach. She assesses that small-town-minded people stunt their understanding of people who are not like them or think like them and can be very defensive when you challenge their way of thinking. *I thought this was a very insightful assessment and I’m probably going to talk with her about it some more.

Back to mental wellness, I think when people are honest about what they are dealing with, they can better understand it and position themselves better to combat various forms of depression or other mental health concerns. I am going to get a little personal with you guys and I know I’ve shared this in passing in other topics. But I struggle with seasonal depression which has now been identified as SAD. SAD is an acronym that stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder and is a type of depression that's triggered by seasonal changes, usually in the fall and winter.

Symptoms of SAD can be:

Feeling sad, or anxious
Feeling hopeless, or helpless
Loss of interest in activities
Fatigue and decreased energy
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Oversleeping
Thoughts of death or suicide (*I do not have these thoughts)

SAD is more common in people who live farther north, where there are shorter daylight hours in the winter. Women are more likely than men to develop SAD, and younger people have a higher risk than older ones. I find this to be true considering most of my adolescence and early adult years were spent in the northeast and I started noticing the symptoms in my late teens and early 20s, but at that time I did not know what it was. I just thought I was tired of my schedules and routines, I just thought I was getting bored with everything and needed a change. Even now when I get like this, I think to myself that I need to make a big change or do something new with my life. Little did I know when I was younger, this is something very real. And I think it’s like this for many people and just like how I was, they just don’t know what it is or maybe even want to accept it.

I can feel it when my depression comes on. It’s like I can feel a weight on me that slowly gets heavier and changes my mood. Sometimes when it gets too much I just shut down, sit in my room, no tv, no phone, no noise, I just lay in my bed and do nothing. Although, most times I try to get ahead of it and I force myself to get up and get out. Like the past few days I’ve been feeling it and I’ve not wanted to do much after work, but I still pushed myself to go out and be social.

I refuse to go on any medications, but don’t let that stop you from taking any prescription that can help you. I’m not someone who largely relies on pharmaceuticals. But, when it does get really bad, I take the following combination of vitamins and supplements: *Speak to your doctor about these supplements. I told my doctor I did not want to be drugged up and feeling like a zombie, I still wanted to be me.

Magnesium: helps with anxiety by improving sleep, calming the nervous system, and reducing muscle tension
Vitamin D: helps with mood and fatigue
St. John’s Wort: has mood-balancing properties and can help with mental and emotional function
Zinc: plays a role in immunity, protein and DNA production, and wound healing
Omega 3 Fatty Acids (fish oil): improve brain function and mood

But to throw in another perspective, sometimes we do need to shut down and shut out and rethink our decisions because like I mentioned above, social factors like your home environment, community, friendships/relationships, employment status and other factors can impact your mental health. What felt like a good decision in the beginning, may not have the same feeling now, you have to be honest with yourself about it. And it’s not back peddling if you are changing your mind to improve your environment. But this can also be tricky because you still don’t want to avoid how changing your mind may affect others, don’t just avoid people to avoid friction. Take accountability for the change and you don’t have to over explain yourself, but at the very least let people know why you’ve changed your mind about them or about something that no longer serves your overall happiness and well-being.

Be safe everyone.

Handsome Man, Ugly Smile

December 12, 2024

“Putting Effort Into Your Appearance Is A Form Of Self-Care And Good Manners.”

What do you notice first when you look at someone? For me it’s their personal style, what they decided to put on when they left their house. If that’s appealing to me, then it’s teeth and someone’s smile. I have pretty good insurance that covers my teeth check-ups, cleaning, and anything that needs to be addressed with my oral health. And some people do not realize that your oral health affects other parts of your body including the heart, lungs, eyes, and kidneys.

Cardiovascular disease: Oral bacteria can cause inflammation and infections that lead to clogged arteries, heart attacks, and stroke.
Pneumonia: Germs from the mouth can enter the lungs and cause pneumonia and other respiratory diseases.
Pregnancy and birth complications: Gum disease can increase the risk of premature birth, low birth weight, and respiratory problems in the baby.
Kidney disease: Gum disease and oral inflammation can decrease kidney function.
Glaucoma: Higher levels of bacteria in the mouth, gum disease, and losing teeth can increase the risk of glaucoma.
Diabetes: Gum disease can make it harder to manage blood sugar, and diabetes can increase the risk of gum disease.
Alzheimer's: Poor oral health has been linked to Alzheimer's disease.

Good teeth and healthy gums are important to me among other things that affect my health and well-being. One of the most disappointing things is when I see a handsome man who has great command presence, who dresses nice, and smells good, but when he smiles, it’s very lack luster. Like I don’t want that month anywhere near me. Let’s skip the personality and character for a second and just talk about optics. What turns you off with someone’s appearance? One of you ladies said a man’s grooming can be a turn off if he doesn’t keep his hair or beard maintained. I can see how that would be an issue. Another reader said dirty shoes is a turn off for her, and I’ll admit, I look at men’s shoes too. Another turn off for me is when a grown man is dressed like a high school student. If the clothes are too oversized or the clothes are too tight, I cannot see past that. Dress what compliments your body type fellas. Don’t wear jeans off your ass and definitely don’t wear skinny jeans that look like you got them from the women’s section. Let me give you some pictures for reference. Take a look at these images, this is what I like to see on grown men.

One time, I styled one of my guy friends and put him in clothes like this, and when he told me he got so much attention when he went out in one of the outfits I picked out for him, I told him, “Baby, I know what women like and we don’t like boys in graphic t-shirts. We like men in collar shirts.”

And I know men like to see women in certain styles too. Men may look at the girl with barely there clothes on, but a grown man admires a woman who can be covered, but still exudes sex appeal. It’s a little cold outside these days and my cold weather look consists of a long coat and an outfit that represents chic and class. I may still show some leg or cleavage, but I’m strategic to leave something to the imagination. I’ve always been complimented for my personal style. A guy was telling one time he didn’t want to take a girl out after he saw the type of outfit she picked out. He said she had a nice body, but her outfit was too revealing for the place he wanted to take her to. He said the outfit looked really trashy and would attract the wrong type of attention. I like when a man can identify things like that. What I would wear to a business event isn’t the same as what I would wear to a friend’s party. There’s professional attire, there’s club attire, and there’s casual attire. My casual may not look like your casual because our personal styles will be different. You just have to know what not to wear and what you can wear in each setting.

And I wouldn’t say I’m too picky with how men dress, I just know what catches my eye. Luckily, 90% of my circle of guy friends know how to dress appropriately for their age. They are well to do men and they know how to dress the part, and I love it. They’re not coming outside looking like they just rolled out of bed and threw whatever on. Even if you do not put too much thought into what you wear when you are shopping, know what to pick out, that’s the key to making it easier to decide how to dress for the day or for an event. Get some nice pieces that can be dressed up or dressed down, like a good blazer. A blazer can elevate a professional look or a casual look.

But let’s not only get wrapped up in clothing, hygiene is just as important to being appealing. Just like the aforementioned, don’t skip your dental visits. Don’t skip your other health check-ups too. Your physical health, stay on top of that. Your mental health, definitely stay on top of that because if your mind isn't right, nothing else will be either (in fact, this is part of the topic that I’ve been wanting to share with you for the past week!).

Folks, we are grown, let’s get our shit together and not be out here avoiding what adds to our appeal and what takes away from our appeal. This has nothing to do with getting attention, people can admire you from afar and not say a word to you because they just noticed how you present yourself. It doesn’t faze me if people approach me or not, but I like to be proud of how I put myself together and I do like when people notice whether or not they let me know it. I just am not someone who doesn’t care about my image and that might sound superficial, but it also means that I’m going to take care of myself internally and externally. And I’m not going to come out of the house looking like anything. Even if I’m wearing sweatpants, I’m going to pair it with other things that make my outfit stylish. It’s the same if I’m wearing workout clothes, I’ll throw on a long jacket and maybe throw on a scarf to add to the aesthetic. We should all be conscious of optics and make an effort to create good optics for the public. The moment I stop caring about how I look or how I present myself, you should be worried because there might be something serious going on in my life that’s keeping me from being my normal self. 99% of the time, I’m going to make sure I’m presentable. You should want to do that for yourself too.

Be safe everyone.

The Wife Knows Me

December 3, 2024

“Know Your Reality.”

Reader Comment: “No wife is ever okay with sharing her husband no matter what she puts up with.”

Reader Comment: “A classy woman is never a side bitch because she knows how to keep shit on the dl.”

Reader Comment: “Married men be fooling with girls who be watching Housewives of ATL and think that's how you need to be.”

Reader Comment: “These days all these girls want is another woman’s man.”

Reader Comment: “If you're with a married man, so is everyone else, you just gotta know your place in line.”

Reader Comment: “Men forget to be a gentlemen and women forget to be a lady. Ladies and gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.”

Reader Comment: “Married men are the biggest whores.”

Reader Comment: “If a chick fooling with a married man and she bragging about it, she don’t care that she a hoe.”

I guess some of you saw this upcoming topic on the main page and started sending me your thoughts about. Let me point this out first and I've made mentions about this in previous topics. There’s so many different types of relationships you can have, you just have to be realistic about the type of relationship you currently have with someone.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is married, you have to be very honest about what you can and cannot do with this person. And if this person truly has an open marriage, then their spouse will know of you or at the very least won’t have an issue knowing their partner has other partners. But it has to be a mutual understanding between the married couple. The only mutual understanding you have have as an outside party is that you will not be the priority in the relationship.

Now, I've not experienced all kinds of relationships, although I’ve experienced plenty in my time to say this much. Ladies, if you are *knowingly involved with a married man, and he is a family man and/or has kids too, you don’t get first dibs on him. No matter if he’s in an open marriage or if his wife knows of you. And regardless of the gravity of your relationship with him, you probably won’t hold a high priority in other parts of his life. If he has female friends who he hangs out with or talks to every now and then, you can be upset about that, but you're emotions are misplaced because you are consciously choosing to be involved with a married man whose sharing his availability between his home life and his outside life and parts of his outside life are going to take precedence over you.

So whatever time you can get with him, I suggest you just make the best of it. And it’s tricky because your feelings will run deep, but you have to be realistic about who that man is and what he is willing and not willing to do with you. And I apologize for just using men as the married one because with applies for men who are dating married women too. You’ve got to have a full and realistic view of your situation.

You may find yourself thinking he/she will eventually get a divorce which may or may not happen. And if that person does get a divorce there's no guarantee that you will be their next spouse. And considering they were in a relationship with you while they were married, you will have that in the back of your mind if you end up in a more secluded relationship with them.

My whole point to saying all this is, if you are going to be involved with someone who is married, don’t give yourself high hopes that you’ll be their next partner or that you're a priority to them, because then you are just going to make a fool of yourself. You have no leverage to ask a married person if they are spending time with someone else. Fam, their married, whether they are spending time with their spouse or someone else, what's the difference? Just like you don’t have any leverge to ask someone else if they are spending time with the married person you're involved with. No one owes you any comfort or an explanation in this type of situation. YOU owe yourself that comfort, if you don’t like them spending time with other people, then you need to be with someone who’s not married. This is just something constructive criticism for you. You can take offense to it or use it to decide what you're going to do with youself. A married person comes with criteria that you either accept or don’t accept. And you are not going to be privy to everything or have 100% access to them because realistically, their spouse doesn't even have 100% access to them if they are entertaining other people.

Enjoy the time you have with them and don’t get beside yourself when that person is spending time at home or with other people in their life. Don’t sink into yourself for the sake of someone who can’t give you all of themselves. And I’m not trying to say married people who date other people are horrible human beings, because you never know what is going on in someone's marriage or what type of understanding they have for their marriage. 50% of my friends are married and regardless of what they choose to do, I will still support them as long as they are not out here making themselves look like clowns, I’m keeping my mouth shut about anything I see or hear in regards to them.

I hope this topic didn't trigger any bad feelings. If you're married and dating or if you are the one dating a married person, there's got to be an element or realism. You're feelings can still be strong, but don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment and making yourself believe something that isn’t practical. A married person is a married person until they are not. And as long as they are married, you are not the priority.

Be safe everyone.