Different Women, Different Standards

“People who care and love you will protect your character.”

Raya L.
Different Women, Different Standards
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The Weekend
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Character Development
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This may be a bit of an off topic and I want to start by saying that anything that's mentioned in this topic isn't intended to shade anyone. There's different variants of types of women and I've kind always been put in the “Classy” category and a lot of that has to do with how my father raised me. But even though I’m out of his household, men tend to put me in that category too. It’s like they expected me to act and speak a certain way. I really don’t mind because I am proud of the woman I am and how I carry myself and how many people see me. But sometimes there’s a part of me that wants to break that image.

For instance several years ago I was hanging out with a group of friends and there was a girl that came up to me and start dancing very seductively with me. My guy friend saw and pulled me away and said to me, “No, you’re too good to do things like that.” Although, I appreciated how he sees me, I just didn't think it was a big deal and I was having fun. Another time, I was at a club with a different group of friends and I started dancing and then I started…. ummmm… how do I say this without turning red… ummmm, you know how strippers can do certain things? Ummm yeah, that. And again a different guy friend came up to me and said, “You’re not that kind of woman, stop it.” He wasn’t rude, he said in a gentle and protective way and then he handed me a drink and guided my back to my seat. Have you ladies ever had this happen to you? And it’s not even the dancing part, one of my bar friends sometimes will say something very vulgar and then apologized to me for offending me even though what he says isn't directed to me. I think that's very sweet, but I guess he's never heard how vulgar my mouth can be. 😆

It’s almost like most of my guy friends and some of my girlfriends want to keep me in a protective box. When every now and then I just want to let lose without being corrected or told that I'm too classy to do something. There's a hole in the wall bar I like to go to every now and then and it never fails, there's always someone there who tells me I don't look like I should be in a place like that. WHY? I like that bar, the people are nice and I’ve been going there for years. And there's a lot of bars that are within walking distance from where I live, most of then are kind of like country bars where you can smoke and play pool. Well I went to one with a few people and a guy friend texted me randomly to see what I was doing. I told him where I was at and maybe 20 minutes later he comes in, takes my drink, finishes it and then walks me out and takes me home. Mind you, I’m walk distance from home, but he wasn’t walking distance from his house, so he drove out of his way to take me out if a bar that he felt I didn't need to be in. I love when people are protective of me and they probably have good reason, and for the most part I do comply when people correct me like that, but sometimes I hate when people put me in that box and just want to keep me there. Can I step out of box sometimes?

Although realistically, I know me. And there’s limits I won’t go over. I talk about a lot of things here, we have even talked about suggestive things, uncomfortable topics, and painful topics. And even though I have diverse experiences and have developed certain views, just because I may think something is fun or exciting, doesn’t mean I’ll actually do it.

With this website, some of you have said that it’s a manuscript of who I am and how to communicate with me, but it doesn’t really share too much on how to be in a relationship with me, whether a it’s a friendship or a romantic one. Yes, I’ll share what I like, what I don’t like, and you may be able to pull from that, but this really isn’t a detailed outline of how to love and accept me. Does this make sense? You can walk into a coffee shop where and I doing some work and typing away at my laptop, come up say hi to me, I say hi back, then I go about my business. Or I can stop what I’m doing and engage in a little conversation with you and get to know a little more about you and we plan time to hang out. My interactions with people differ from person to person and it also depends on what’s on my mind at the moment. Overall, I try my best to stick to my core values, even if I deviate from them at times, I still make attempts to remind myself the type of woman I am, the type of person my father raised me to be, and the type of individual that people are happy to know and have in their lives.

Be safe everyone.


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I Like When He (2022 Refresh)

Love U
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Reasonable Doubt S2E5
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Raya L.
I Like When He
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Here is another 2022 topics that I am resurfacing. If you read through or listened to “Making Up” and “I Wish a Man Would” then you will already know that I am not sure what was going on with my life around that time to write these topics because I have a little bit of short term memory issues due to some trauma I faced.

I think with this topic in particular I asked my female readers to share details about what they like during sex, so here is a summary of those answers. And if you were one of the people who answered these questions back in 2022, are you preferences still the same? Talk to me. 👀

1. Lights On or Off?

  • 67% preferred the lights off, but those of you who like the lights on said you like for a man to look you in the eyes while he’s swimming in your pool. — I’m okay with the lights on to…dimmed lights or accent lighting.

2. Top or Bottom?

  • 82% prefer to be on the bottom because you like for the man to maintain control, but some of you also mentioned that him “throwing” you on top is also big d*ck energy…Yeah, I agree. 🍆💦

3. Oral: Giving or Receiving?

Interestingly, this was almost split down the middle. Some of you are saying you don’t like receiving because most men don’t know what they are doing, so you prefer to be the giver. One of you said, “If he don’t make my eyes roll back, I’m getting up and leaving.” 😂 Someone else said, “I guide him to it, so he doesn’t have an option.” What?! 😂 I’m 50/50 on this question, you give, I give. 👅

4. Backshots? (Non-anal)

  • A good 92% are all for the backshots. Most of you seem to like it when you’re in missionary position and he takes it out for a second, flips you around, pushes your back down and slides it back in for a few minutes while gripping your hips and ass cheeks…Yeah, that’s a great move.💢💦

5. Anal?

  • 72% of you say that is an exit only. — I prefer not to comment on this one. 🤐

6. Open to threesomes or orgies?

  • 59% say they have not done either, me included. Although, most of you would rather do a threesome than an orgy, I tend to agree with this, but not with two men, that’s too much masculinity for me. One of you said that you went to an Eyes Wide Shut party with your partner and you didn’t engage with multiple people, but you did have sex with your partner in front of other people. I’ve only told one person about my thoughts on going to one of these parties, but again the whole “Good Girl” persona in me feels that a man may look at me differently if I do attend one, even if I am only doing things with him. Then again, he’d probably look at me differently too if I agree to a threesome. 🙈🙊🙉

7. Talking During Sex?

Almost everyone answered, Yes, talking during sex is a must and a turn on. You ladies like hearing a man tell you how good it is, ask you questions, compliment you, and moan. I like all this this too, it’s kind of like having live commentary to keep the momentum going. 💬 One of you said during sex your boyfriend tells you the 🐱 is his and that you better not ever think about giving it away to anyone but him. 👀💦…yeah, I can see how hearing can be a turn on. 😆

8. Hair Pulling, Choking, Slapping, Biting, Nipple Stimulation, etc.

  • Some of you were really explicit with your answers. For the most part, a lot of you like for men to take control of your body. — This is another one that I won’t share my comments on 🤐, but I’ll say this much, I do like soft body kisses especially on my thighs. Aye, you’ve seen my pictures, I’ve got thighs for days.💋

9. Sex in other places outside the bedroom.

  • I really liked some of your answers, like pulling into a parking garage or hidden road to go at it in the car. Or on the dining room table while people are upstairs sleeping. One of you ended up on the stairs because the lust was just too strong that you never actually made it to the bedroom. To the one who said the elevator…I have still many questions for you, sis. 👀👀👀

10. The Aftermath

  • Most of you said you like to lay there and be silent for a little while. Yet, all of you said you like when a man “wipes you down with a washcloth” afterwards. There were a few of you that said you like to talk each other about what you just did, like a recount of the events so you know what was good for him and you tell him what was good for you. I think I am somewhere in the mix of being quiet and talking afterwards. I do like to reassure a man when he does things I like and yes, the wipe down right after is top tier. 🤌🏽

11. What gets you aroused to have sex?

  • These answers had a lot of details too. You broads are all freaks! 😂 Most of you like the teasing and touching back and forth before sex. One of you told about a night where you and your boyfriend were at a bar sitting in the back area. It was dark and he had his hand up your dress playing with your 🐱 while his tongue was down your throat. Another woman said she was in the VIP section sitting on the couch between her boyfriend’s legs while he sitting on the back of the couch and he had his hand down her dress playing with her nipples and when he noticed another man looking her, he grabbed her neck with his other hand, leaned down, and started kissing her 👀. Whew, chile!!! I guess I’ve been dealing with the wrong type of men because I would love for a man to do that with me. 💦

12. What is something you will not do for a man?

This question was a little vague so you could answer however you saw fit. Some of you listed off your standards. For instance one woman stated she will not get involved with a man who has a child under 5 years old…I can see why that can be an issue for a relationship. Another said, she won’t deal with a man who has roommates...I agree with this one too. If you don’t have your own personal place, we’re not going to spend all our time at my place. Other answers were sex related and were about what you won’t allow such as threesomes, anal, or being tied up.

  • Here is my answer: I don’t think there is not too much I will not do if the man if treating me right and making me feel appreciated. This all goes back to my thoughts on being submissive or being more willing to appease a man’s wishes if he is doing right by me. But there is one thing I am not too open to do unless I am fully comfortable with a guy. — I won’t sleep over a man’s place. When I was younger, it wasn’t a big deal, but now that I’ve developed certain idiosyncrasies, I’m not too eager to sleep in a man’s bed. I think it’s the thought of him having other women in his bed (I know it shouldn’t even be an issue, but I’m just weird like that.) I don’t know when he last washed his sheets, if he has a mattress protector, when the last time he bought new pillows…all of that. I told you folks before, I am a 1 man girl, regardless of the situation, I don’t entertain multiple people at one time. I also make sure I take a few months to myself before I even consider sleeping with a new man, so there isn’t going to be any type of residue or essence of more than one guy in my place, if any at all. Plus, I wash my bedding weekly anyway. Not only that, I also don’t want to carry an overnight bag with extra clothes, face wash, toothbrush, etc. And I have my morning routines, coffee, breakfast, or sometimes I’ll just lay around and watch tv before starting my day. So if he doesn’t like to do any of that, then I have to get up early, drive back home and redo my morning. Unless we are co-sharing our spaces, I’m not staying over.

Whew…I love it when you guys give me something to talk about or think about. Really, my website wouldn’t be as exciting if I didn’t allow open dialogue with all of you.

Be safe everyone.


Be Blessed
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Unhinged

Be Blessed 😘
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“I miss when we use to meet people outside of an app.”

Raya L.
Unhinged
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Good
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Idk
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I kind of did a social experiment and I also was a bit curious on what the hype is with dating apps. And this isn't an advertisement, I’ve not partnered with any apps. So I downloaded a popular dating app and one of my guy friends actually set it up for me, he arranged my profile, selected my pictures, and helped me with the captions. Then I let it do what it does. Within the first 24 hours I had over 100 messages from the app. There were men giving me compliments, asking me to dinner, wanting to speak to me, asking me more questions about myself. It was really overwhelming. Keep in mind, I didn't download the app to really date anyone, I just wanted to see why a lot of people resort to this. With the messages I got, I can see why women like dating apps, but I’m not so sure what the hype is for men.

My friend showed me how to go through the profiles and x-out the men. And as we were going through it, I noticed how many men like to post pictures of themselves fishing/hunting, going to the gym, being shirtless, or showing off money or cars. And let me tell you, I don’t know what the thought behind those pictures are, but those aren't appealing to me. And I was telling another guy friend about the pictures and he even say, “That’s not going to get your attention.” SIDEBAR: I love it when my friends, especially my guy friends, know me well enough to know what attracts me and what doesn't.

Although, I do understand a picture only tells a small part of a story, and because I’m not really invested into dating apps, my opinions are probably null and void. I did have a few nice conversations, but soon realized, I was just wasting time instead of really being interested in anyone. I am very much the type of person who rather just meet someone authentically and we slowly start to get to know each other. I think the whole idea of putting yourself online and pretty much giving a resume about yourself is kind of ……. But with that being said I know there’s been plenty of relationships and marriages that were a result of dating apps and meeting people through social media. I just don’t think I have the personality type to do that.

I rather have a scenario of boy sees girl, boy says hi to girl, they exchange numbers, they talk, they spend time together, and they decide whether it's something special or not. Is that too much these days? And those of you who are on dating apps, I’m not saying there's anything wrong with it or that you need a new mode of meeting people, I’m just saying it’s not for me. If it's working for you, then continue on and share with me how well it’s going and maybe you can convince me to take it seriously!

I’m a woman of a certain age and I’ve never not valued companionship it’s just been hard for me to balance it. And I don’t know it I’ve shared this already, but I’m coming into a more graceful time of my life, I still have moments where I may get beside myself, but now I take more time to process things and give myself and others more patience. There's still things I have little tolerance for, but I don’t hold in or hold on to frustration as much as I used to. I would like to have a lover who appreciates that about me, who maybe has seen me or understands my different phases. I want to be or become someone who makes someone else forget their dark moments, who’s genuinely happy to see me and spend time with me and who is open to hearing my thoughts about various topics. Don't get me wrong, I love sharing things with you guys, but I’d like to have someone who stands apart from the rest and supports my willingness to be graceful and love towards people even to people who don’t give it back.

Be safe everyone.


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Mixing Friend Groups

“I love them and they love me. But they don't love each other.”

Raya L.
Mixing Friend Groups
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Stay In Place
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Blessings
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Mindfully
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How many friend groups do you have? I think I have about 4 or 5. Friend groups are people you either met at different junctions in your life or people you’ve connected with who share the same qualities or visions as you. I have friends from my childhood and friends I met post high school. Within those categories are different friend groups. I have 2 separate girlfriend groups, one who like to go to lounges and make a night of it, and the other who like to do day events like brunch and be home before 10pm. Then I have friends I've who I categories by city or state. Lastly, I have friends who I don’t have in a group and I just hang out with them individually. But the question is, do you mix your friend groups and bring them all together? Some people say only for special events like birthday and holiday parties. Other people say the keep everyone separated. And I'm part of that other crowd.

You see each group knows different versions of me and that's how they view me. It’s the same for all your friends too. People you met when you were kids, they had different experiences with you as you experienced the different milestones in life. Same goes for people who net you as an adult, they only know about your childhood if you share it with them. And because my own life has had many obstacles and turns my friends represent those different avenues of my life.

I don’t keep my friends from meeting each other but I’m mindful not to bring people around each other who may not share the same vibes. For instance, I wouldn't necessarily invite my brunch girlfriends to come hand out with my lounge girlfriends. But I'd be more receptive to bringing my lounge girlfriends around my group of guy friends who like to do the same. The only thing is, I don’t like to be the middle person if one friend ends of having an issue with another friend and then I have to defend them both. I know what I love about all of my friends and I know why they love me, the doesn't mean they’ll love each other, so most of the time I just rather keep everyone separated.

Even my 2 bestfriends from childhood, they are complete opposites and wouldn't really enjoy each other's company. So even growing up, I spent time with them separately. It just avoids potential issues with my friendships. And you know how I've continually mention that I don't bring a guy who I may be interested in around my guy friends? I don't do it with my girlfriends either. And I really don’t know how it became like that and maybe it's because my views on relationships have changed? I just like to be mindful of everyone's comfort especially those I care about.

The only group of friends that's kind of already mixed are my bar friends including the bartenders. The ages are varied, the education is varied, the demographics are varied, it’s really a mixed bag. They've gotten to know a little about me, I’ve gotten to know a litte about them and sometimes they’ll invite me to other bars. Sometimes I go, and sometimes I just stay where I’m at, because the most of the bars pull in a younger crowd and I don’t necessarily want to mixed in with that. I can adapt to anywhere I am and I can have fun anywhere, but I also have a limit when I'm around people or in places that really don’t fit my personality, you know what I mean? Even one of my bar friends who is my age and many people in the area know him, he has shared the same sentiment. He likes being invited and he'll join sometimes, but he doesn't want that image on him. Either way, I love that the younger groups see me as someone they like being around.

You know how sometimes you'll see the older guy with a bunch of young women? Many people don’t have positive thoughts on that and I’ve heard some of the things they’ve said especially more so in the bar setting when people notice certain a certain couple or a noticeably older gentleman with a younger woman, and I can see the looks on their faces and they’ll make comments and the comments aren't very pleasant. I don’t want to be someone who they make those types of comments about. So I mainly stick to my circle of friends who I've developed valuable connections with.

In a way, you're friends groups are your protection circles. They'll protect what they love about you, well at least my friends do. Even when I’m not really getting along with someone in the same group, each of them still stands by both of us. Which I can appreciate when people don’t take sides and still acknowledge both people have to take steps to mend fences. And that's what’s beautiful about having these friend groups who protect the value of the group and everyone in it. And I’m very protective of my friends and that may be the reason why I don’t mix my friend groups because I don’t want them being offended by a friend from another group and vice versa. What are your thoughts on this?

Be safe everyone.


*Please keep this in mind, folks.

*You can look good, smell good, be a perfect gentleman, and dress with sense, I still will not chase you are fight another woman over you. 

*When I say I'm picky, what I really mean is SHE is picky. Lol.

*I work hard and have a lot of responsibilities, but in between that, I like to enjoy everything life offers. 

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Who Hurt You

“We can either let the pain destroy us and the people we care about or pivot the pain to heal us and help others.”

Raya L.
Who Hurt You
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Previous Lovers
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No Reason
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Applause
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We talk about pain and disappointment a few times here. It's part of life. When we put our hope and faith into someone, we're taking a big risk and we don't know if it’s worth it or not until it plays out. That’s part of the lessons we face. Trust is the most dangerous thing to give away. It's also the most valuable thing to keep sacred when it's given to you. I’ve put trust in people who didn’t deserve it but in the same accord they expected me to trust them even though they knew they were doing things to hurt me.

For instance, how do you trust someone who says they are not involved with anyone but then that person is seen out and about with an individual acting like they're a couple? One time there was a man who claimed he wasn’t seeing anyone and then not even a week later a girl was rubbing on his thighs, sitting on his lap and kissing on him…he wasn't correcting her either. If you're not a man of your word, you're actions will show it and make you look like a fool. Men with discipline don't carry themselves like that because they know how to steer the public eye from categorizing them as a reckless man. Read that again if you have to 🔁.

I’ve never deliberately tried to hurt someone, although I can react to being hurt in an irrational way, but I don’t consciously make it a point to cause someone pain. And the problem is most people who hurt others believe that when people react, it comes out of nowhere, and that's such a shame. I’m going to share something that I've never really shared out loud. With any of my previous lovers whether they notice or not and whether they appreciate it or not, or even whether they care or not, I still do this. If I know there’s a chance I may run into a previous lover, I don’t bring a man of interest around. This is just my discreet way of showing a small gesture of respect, no matter if I am on good or bad terms with any of them.

Even with my ex-husband, there's no possibility of us ever reconciling, but I’m not going to bring anyone anywhere that I may run into him. I’m a single woman through and through, that's a choice I continue to make, and if I so choose to entertain someone romantically, I'm not going to entertain him in the same space that a previous lover may be or show up at. And this is just me, many of you may not agree with this and say if it’s the past than I shouldn't worry about what they think, I agree to a certain extent, but and hear me out, if there are still times or situations where I come face to face with my past, I rather just face it on my own than to pull someone else into it, because they don't know all the history and I’m not one to share too much history with someone who wasn't there to witness it or be a part of it - are you starting to understand my way of thinking with this? I not too keen on talking about past relationships in detail with your new one. I may mention a few things here and there to explain why things didn't work, but for the most part my past with anyone is sacred. And some of you may not agree with this either, but no matter how or why things ended with someone, we still shared something personal and private. I can’t speak for any of my previous lovers, but I still respect our privacy to a degree because we shared those intimate times together and I don't take that lightly.

The ONLY exception is if I’m getting serious with a man and it's leading to a marriage, yes, I’ll be more open with my husband, but frankly, if a man really knows me and accepts me, he won’t care to know all about my previous relationships because he’ll be confident that I’m only focused on building something with him - but we all know my thoughts on marriage ☺️ - So 99% of the time any previous lover can be certain that what we’ve shared together just stays with us and if I run into one of them, there's no reason for him not to speak or approach me unless he has an issue with me and if he doesn't want to share it, than that’s on him to hold on to.

No previous lover can ever say that I never cared or paid attention when I most likely care more and paid more attention than they did and I'm still cognizant of them in a few ways whether they know it or not. I may have not cared for what they did, the decisions they made, or the type of people they entertain, but that didn't mean I had no care for them. I care about how you make yourself look. Know the difference because if you're doing things that’s poor character or decorum, that bothers me because I don't want people seeing someone I love in a bad light.

Some of you may be saying, “Raya that's doing to much” and we'll agree to disagree because if I’m laying with you that means I think highly of you and remember what I said in the last topic? Who we chose to be with can be a reflection of us. Even if the relationship lasts a few months, in that short period of time we still represent each other no matter if anyone knows we’re fooling around or not. I want to be confident of the type of man I’m laying with just like he should be confident of the type of woman I am. If I welcomed you into my personal space, I cared a lot for you.

I still carry some secrets I have with my previous lovers. While some of them have taken advantage of me not speaking about us and used it to create their own stories, and I remained quiet while they slandered me to other people….what type of shit is that? And who's the better person here? Why would you give people ammunition to dislike me just because you're upset? What kind of person does that make you? How does hurting me help you? 🤔

Sometimes being grown is a state of mind and other times it's learning and adapting to life experiences. You can be 55 and still not know how to conduct yourself or know how to handle your environment. I said this in a previous topic, grown women with standards and who’ve been able to come up on their own, we’re not out here to play pitypat with you. And you're going to feel it when you fck up with us. So you either do better or you stay where you're at. Your choice. But don't continue to hurt people because you think you don't have to make any changes or you feel you didn't do anything wrong.

We all are going to face challenges over and over again and some of those challenges will try to break us, but that's when you have to decide whether you're going to allow that to happen or find a way to pull through it. I can work through pain. And if I can put down the pain you put on me and still show you kindness, it doesn't mean the pain is gone, I just pushed it aside and chose not to let it affect me as much for the sake of being a better person.

If you were someone who's ever said you cared about me, but never asked how I’m doing, checked on me, asked about my family, defended me, spoke up for me, or you've allowed other people to offend me then the distance between your head and your asshole isn't that far. And no matter whatever else you decide to do, you'll still have to face the fact that you treat a great person so poorly and eventually that will affect other decisions you make because you either are trying to overcompensate what you've done or you're trying not to acknowledge what you've done. I can be entirely pissed off at someone and in tears from the pain they caused, but I'd still want to know if they are ok. And that's why I get hurt, because most people don't understand empathy.

And if you're someone who deflects accountability by trying to point the finger at someone else rather than owning up to your decisions and actions then you indeed have internal issue that you need to work on. The worst kind of victim is the one that creates another. Also, when you hurt someone for someone else...that pain you caused will come back to you and you’ll inadvertently keep hurting people and it just becomes your cycle. And you have to choose to break that cycle.

Be safe everyone.


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