Lie To Me

June 29, 2023

“Don’t ask him if he’s single, ask him is there are any women who think they are with him.”

Before I begin, you know what I've noticed? Some people will applaud and praise people for doing the same things you've been doing or less, but they won’t applaud and praise you. For instance, they'll speak highly of a person for finding a way to get to work everyday, but won’t acknowledge you when you work hard, have side businesses, raising a family, able to take nice trips, and continue to achieve beyond normal standards. 😒 Why are some people like this? Do you not think that higher achieving people don’t like getting praised too? Or are you so amazed by mediocrity that you don’t recognize when people are beyond just doing good? Think about that and ask yourself if you're this type of person.

Moving on…

What is a lie? It’s a notion, an idea, a conscious act of hiding the truth, yes? Why do people lie? Here's some reasons I came up with:

They don’t want to hurt someone they care about
They don’t want confrontation or to be in trouble
They don’t think someone will understand the truth
They are afraid that if they speak the truth they'll be thought of differently

Is any of this hitting home for you? Look, it’s one thing if you are trying to protect me or my feelings, but it’s another thing if you are continuing to tell me things that don't equal up to your actions.

Here is a concept I want you to think about, most people lie more to the people closest to them, it maybe little white lie, but a lie nonetheless. And what about romantic relationships? Have you ever been in a situation where you can feel when someone is keeping something from you? I know I have. Like in one instance I keep noticing the same girl come around and the guy I was talking to kept downplaying it when I started getting the sense that either she was trying to start something with him or he was giving her the impression that he was fully available to her. I don't like those games.

And something else I want to throw at you, sometimes when a man is upset with the woman he’s with, he leans on another woman. Even if he's just reaching out to her without intimate intentions other than a friendly conversation, if he doesn't put boundaries around it, then the woman he reaches out to may start to think something is developing between them and then he’s going to get wrapped up in it and then it's going to be some bs for all of them. If I’m upset with my guy, I'm not going to call another man for comfort. If I can’t deal with the issue with my dude, then I’m not going to go looking to deal with it with another man.

Like I said before, at this point in my life I want to enjoy my time with someone without feeling like there's someone else who can have the same love and attention I’m getting. I’m not for the young and dumb nonsense. We’re not in high school and the college shenanigan years have come and gone. I’m not reliving those years or trying to prove I still got it. I know I still got it even after 2 kids, a failed marriage, resetting my life and starting from the bottom. So I’m not trying to sneak around or act like nothing is going on between me and someone else. People don't have to know all of our business to know that we’re involved especially other women, but it shouldn't be a secret or make either of us feel like we can let be know we’re seeing each other.

My friend calls any extra curricular activities outside of a relationship, “fuckery”. So if I’m are involved with someone don't bring any of that fuckery back to me or around me. If we’re going to be upset about anything, don't let it be about any of those extra curricular activities. We need to be solid. So don't flirt with me or get fresh with me with the intention of something happening between us if you're just going to bring bullshit behavior and excuses when I ask certain questions. Because as a man, I still expect you to lead, but I’m not going to follow blindly. There has to be a circle of trust that we stand in that involves showing grace, understanding, support, empathy, and love for one another even if we don't last a long time because remember, I talked about forever not lasting forever? If we walk away from each other, I still want to walk away knowing we did our best to enjoy each other.

No one likes the feeling of being lied to. When someone lies to me, I feel like you don’t think highly of me enough to want to listen and try to understand you. It also makes me feel like you don't want my input because you don’t want to make any changes. If you're not ready to make adjustments for me, that’s fine, but if you want to keep our connection intact then if you're going to lie to me or keep certain pieces of information from me then what you show me has to be worth more than those lies. I want and deserve that effort. Don't I? Don’t you?

A Reader's Rant: Age Gaps

June 23, 2023

“When life tries to test you, stay busy.”

Before you start reading or listening to the audio, here is conversation between a friend and myself. My messages are in blue.

The more I'm staying focused on myself, the more I stand firm on the notion that I DO NOT have to accept anything that upsets me or isn't keeping me in good spirits. And also I shouldn't have to keep telling people what I don’t have the patience for. I have enough people in my life who’ve known me for a long time and who take me into consideration and pay attention to what I do and say, so I don’t really need to make any new friends who aren't of the same hallmarks.

I also think it's very sassy and childish to block someone, because I have the discipline not to respond or answer, so I don't do things like that, but I am going to distance myself from this person. I gave as much grace as this person deserved, but I do not need to give anymore, nor do I feel obligated to do so. Like I said, this person has not been in my life a long time, and does not have a big impact on my life, and is not adding any substantial happiness, so it's really a simple decision, wouldn’t you agree?

I want value added and that’s all that matters at this point.

This site has really become more than I expected. In 2008, I never thought this my words would gain so much interest and momentum across the world. I am so grateful to all of you. It does take me some time to read through all of your messages, but I do read them. There is a reader in particular who asked if I can share her “rant” about men who prey on younger girls (I think she means legal age, and is more referring to inappropriate age gaps). When I first read the message, I thought it was one of my friends who is very adamant about this topic, like so adamant that she has the worst opinions on men who are like this, but I checked and it was not from my friend. I am not going to record me reading the rant, I’ll just leave it for you to read and interpret in your own way. I have become more on the fence with this topic ONLY because there are younger men who are interested in me, BUT I have a limit to how far they can take their interest and I don’t give them any false hope with me.

I feel like if we are going to be hard on men who fool around with younger women, then we should be just as hard on women who do the same with younger men. Although, I think the main difference between the two is that older women go into it anticipating on the situation to be temporary and just for fun, while older men go into those situation anticipating an ongoing relationship. Don’t hold me to this because I really don’t know and I don’t really have substantial experience in this area. I know when I was younger I did get involved with a man who was much older and in hindsight, I think for me it was this great big deal that I was seeing an older guy and he was so gorgeous, all the girls wanted him, but for him I was just a pretty face and someone to kick it with when he was available because he wasn’t thinking anything long-term with me. I was young and dumb and got my hopes up with someone I shouldn’t have. But, hey I guess that was just an experience I had to go through to teach me something. Such is life. And I think for the younger men and women, it’s more for image, status, and possibly stability to be with someone older. When I hear some of the young girls talk, they seem to always mention what an older man has or what he can do. They say things like, He has money. He has a good job. He drives a nice car. He has his own house. Or they’ll try to feel him out and ask him what he does for a living and all those things garners their interest towards him. I’m not saying this is always the case, but you have to think, what is the young person gaining from this situation?

Anyway, go ahead and read through what the woman set me and you are welcome to send in your thoughts about this. I will say that I do agree with a lot of what she was saying, but take a few moments to read it and we’ll recap at the bottom.

Hey Raya! Love your posts! Can you share this in a future post? I understand if you don’t but I want to share my thoughts on these old ass men who are out here f*cking around with these young girls. They need to be ashamed! Got these little girls thinking they going to be their girlfriends and wives knowing damn well these men will get laughed at and looked at crazy if they bring her around they friends and family. What do these men be thinking?!!! You don't have anything in common with these little girls except sex! You gonna tell me a 28 year girl thinks the same way as a 48 year old man???? NO! And if she does, then it’s something wrong with the man. Is you serious my n1gah? Got these girls gassing you because you can’t be the man a grown woman wants. Yall want to train these little girls. And then you end up being the old man at the club with a bunch of 20 year olds talking about what they talk about and doing what they doing and paying for everything. It’s disgusting and you letting them think they got you because you out here trying to defend your predatory habits. You n1gahs like them girls gone wild type shit that be shaking they @sses on every other n1gah, smoking and letting random n!gahs prour drinks down their throats and you think that type of girl is the one for you. These little girls got daddy issues and want to be seen and your dumb@sses don’t see through it. Yall are despicable! Stop going to their playgrounds and start being grown!

👀 Whew! That was a lot, right? So I did not change any of the language in the message, I did adjust some of the spelling of the offensive words because I don’t want to get flagged 😂. So what do you think about this?

Fellas, I’m going to try to defend you on to some limit. Say you are just hanging out and a young lady starts to converse with you and you two are just enjoying your time out, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I think if you make it a habit, then it may be a little questionable. Like now that same girl is coming around you more or you’re inviting her out or developing a rapport with her that leads her to believe she has an in with you. That’s when things may look a little fcked up from people who know you better and think more of you. Like for instance, if I were to start dating a younger man and bringing him around and telling people we are in a serious relationship, my friends would look at me crazy and pull me to the side and let me know in one way or another that’s not a good look for me (well, some of my friends would say this right in front of him) 😏. Even if I don’t say that I’m in a serious relationship with a young man, but I am bringing him around more, my friends are cool with me having fun, but being serious about someone who isn’t on my level is a red flag to them. And that’s because they know me and they don’t want me being stupid.

Thank you to the reader who shared her thoughts, I hope the rest of you do not take this post as a negative because I want you to weed through the undertones and find the positive message. But if you could not find anything positive, let me lead you…

Who doesn’t like a good bathroom selfie???

So here is my overall thought on this. If you are at a certain age and every now and then want to have fun like you did when you were younger, do it, but don’t blur the lines between the younger crowd and the crowd that is more your caliber, people who speak your same language, who have hit the same milestones you have, and who can better understand your ways or your personality because they have maneuvered through the same life’s hurdles and responsibilities. There’s times I have fun with the younger people but that’s as far as I take it, just a good time.

My mentees are in their 20’s and the stuff they talk to me about I can speak on because I’ve been there and done that. And even though my mentees are working on their degrees, have degrees, and are career focused, they still like to go out and party, sometimes I go with them, but most times I just do things that more equate to my lifestyle.

So ladies and gentleman whom are 35 years old and up, do what makes you happy, but be cognizant with the people or the crowds you keep in contact with, more importantly the younger crowds. Make sure those people are not minimizing your way of thinking or causing you to retract back to thinking like a 20 year old again or adopting their ways. You are beyond that 💖. And I’m sure you have countless stories to share. I know I do! Continue to embrace the knowledge you hold, it took time to gain all that. Your wisdom is a part of your greatness 💞. It’s your power don’t let some 20 year old take that from you because they are still developing their knowledge and power. ✨

Be careful out there.

Dream Lover

June 15, 2023

“Wanting a good lover and being a good lover is one in the same.”

I recently watched an interview with Keke Palmer, and she was talking about how she met her partner. And I instantly loved the story she told. She says they met casually at a party, and at that time, she wasn’t looking for anything serious, just someone to have a good time with and move on. But as they got to know each other, they started to realize they were a good match. Keke also says that personal growth contributed to her being ready for love and that when she was younger, she was attracted to a different type of man. But now, she's with a man who fulfills her wants. And I just applaud all of this. I hope they last a very long time.

So it got me to thinking, if I were to create a perfect lover, what type of man would he be? What qualities would he have?

I guess I would start off by wanting a man I meet naturally, like just casually out, and we meet each other that way. And I love it when men who are handsome but don't really know that they are handsome so they don’t act arrogant or full of themselves. I also like men who are a little shy, so they don’t know exactly what to say to a woman, but they are still confident enough to say something. But most importantly, I absolutely love a man who is funny and knows how to laugh even at himself. I like to be silly. Even when I sound serious, I still give some sort of sarcastic undertones. I want my lover to match my humor and start having inside jokes that only we get.

As far as his character, I want an honorable man who sticks by his word. And I want him to be meticulous about his ways where he doesn’t cause me to question the type of man he is. I'd like for my lover to be family oriented, supportive of his friends, contribute to his community, and still make time to see about me.

I need my lover to be a comfort but also a challenge. I want him to pull the best out of me and be open to me pulling the best out of him. I don’t want someone who throws in the towel after one disagreement. Even if we're at odds, I still want him to care about my well-being an not try to convince himself not to be good to me or communicate with me.

In the next few years, I'll be presenting my dissertation to various groups of people in different sectors of education, leadership, and government so I’m going to be collecting a lot of research. I would love for the man with whom I'm intimate with to show his support in some way whether it's him sitting in the crowd, encouraging me backstage, sending me a sweet message, or sending something nice to my house or my hotel to remind me that he's thinking of my and wishing me the best.

I don’t want a man who feels like he is being overshadowed by my ambitions and decides it too much for him, so he steps away from me. No, I want my lover to know that I will show up and show out for him, too. This is a mutual thing. I want to listen to his goals and insights and figure how I can help or support. I want us to speak the same language so we can understand each other and keep learning from each other even if we decide to stop being intimate.

I want my lover to be my friend. A good friend and a true friend. Not a friend who only considers me a friend when I do things that only appease him. But a friend who also sees where he could be a better friend to me and acts on it.

I want a lover to be able to look at me from across a room and know from my facial expressions if I need him to come next to me or not. Or he just looks over to let me know he's keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm okay.

But one of the things that makes me weak is chivalry. I love a man with gentlemanly traits and doesn't make me feel like I always need to be so independent. I don't know how to explain this but chivalry is an element of subtle dominance. And I love it when a man does things that allows me to completely be a delicate woman. Bring out my soft side. A good lover deserves that part of me and I want to be a good lover back.

Is this a lot to ask? Do men like this exist? Ugh. Let me just stay in my zone and keep minding my own business because I don't have the patience to ruin my pH balance for a man that's not at least 80% like this.

Be safe out there.

We Are Mosaics

June 10, 2023

“I'm feeling relaxed, blessed, and sexy. This is life.”

People are like mosaics, made up of countless pieces that come together to create our unique individual selves. One of the most significant influences on our individual mosaic is the people we spend time with or meet in passing. Our likes and dislikes are often shaped by the people we surround ourselves with, consciously or unconsciously. We might adopt the tastes of our closest friends or family members, whether it's music, food, or hobbies. On the other hand, we might actively reject certain things based on the experiences of those around us. However, even with all these shared pieces, we each have our unique mosaic, a one-of-a-kind collection of likes and dislikes that makes us who we are.

If you think about it, you’ve probably interacted with thousands of people in your life and the ones you remember are the ones that left some sort of impression on you. And sometimes those impressions teach us a thing or two.

Here are some things that make up my mosaic:

I do not leave the house unless I am presentable because my father once told me that first impressions make a big difference and you never know who you will meet when you leave your house.
The way I eat sushi was taught to me by one of my ex’s friend. He showed me certain techniques that I still do today.
I did not know I liked Indian food until I had a work lunch and my boss at that time ordered for me. Ever since then I make sure to order some of the same dishes.
When I do carry cash I put the lower amount bills on the outside because when I was an teenager withdrawing money from the teller an older man told me that’s how you should organize your money so people do not see how much money you really have.
One of my previous lovers told me that it is not attractive for a woman to throw herself on men or chase them, and that stuck with me.
There are certain songs that instantly make me smile because it reminds me of someone I care about or of someone I either loved or admired.
Titos and lemonade became my go-to cocktail because I was at a bar once and I did not know what I wanted to order but I wanted something light and refreshing. My friend suggested that drink and it’s been my choice ever since.
I stopped saying that I don’t require much or that I’m low maintenance because a friend told me it gives people the chance to treat less than I deserve.

People imprint themselves onto us and we hold on to the prints that make is feel good. The beautiful thing is that our mosaics are constantly being added to. And I can only hope I added some good things to those I've come across.

The Standard And Not The Standard

June 6, 2023

“Men these days want to be pursued like women.”

I've gotten a lot of questions a out the men from my last topic. Anytime I say "My Ex" I'm referring to the father of my children. And he is the only one true ex relationship, we shared a home together, our finances were linked, and we had children together. We were building a life together. And of all the 4 men, the ex, Chicago, Poppa, and Athlete, the ex is the only one that I meets my standard the least. Nothing about him has changed or improved. And I think its a combination of his environment and him being too comfortable in it and not having enough better thinking people to encourage him to do or be better. But hey, he has not been part of my worries for over 10 years, so he lives how he wants to, my kids are still thriving. That's what important in this scenario.

Standards are important, because you need to know what you're willing to accept and not accept. With Chicago, there’s a few things I cannot accept, but the main thing is his age. He can't empathize with all the things I have going on in my life because he hasn't reached that point yet. I want to be able to have critical conversations with someone I'm intimate with. I cannot do that with Chicago.

With Poppa and the athlete, there particular nuances about them that are somewhat similar to mine which you would think being alike is great and it can be, but at times the similarities can make it difficult to keep things balanced. I'm not the common woman, I have a portfolio of business and multiple income avenues. I manage those things everyday, plus my family and what the need of me, so I feel my time is just as valuable as any man's time who is doing the same things.

All of us have a minimum standard. And our standards can change depending of what we want vs. what we need. Our standards also change through different milestones we reach in life. We are not exactly the same person we were 15 or 20 years ago, right? Our core values may be the same, but our character has developed in that time in regards to how we act, what we think about, who we choose to entertain, and how we make decisions.

And part of having standards is also understanding you're too good for something and that you don't have to deal with someone's nonsense or what they decide to do. I don't like a man who gossips or talks badly about women. I don’t like a man who thinks he's always right. I don’t like a man who doesn't listen to my concerns. I don't like a man who doesn't have direction in life. And these dislikes shape my standards.

I don’t think anything that's worth it is easy, but I also don’t believe it should be a daily struggle either. Which leads to another standard I have which is communication. You've got to talk to me about things that may be bothering you, on your mind, or changes you want to make. For me, if we're playing in each other's bedsheets, the activities and interactions don't stop there. Sit down, relax, talk to me, even if it isn't about anything important, let's just hear each other's voices. That's the part of intimacy that keeps me interested.

I know how I have my life setup,i want to know how you have your life setup or in other words, your standards. I like to keep my personal spaces cleaned and organized, I'm very particular about that. It makes my feel calm when my space is clean and aesthetically pleasing.

Setting a standard is also saying you have requirements and limits. It may not be a lot, but you still have them. Otherwise you're for everyone and everyone is for you. And I'll tell you right now, I'm not for everyone and everyone is definitely not for me.

And ladies, please stop creating your stadards based on what other people tell you or what you see on social media. And stop comparing your relationship to what these so-called "love experts" say. Who tell you things like:

If he's not calling you everyday, he doesn’t care.
If he's too busy to text you then he's not the one.
If he really loves you he'll show you everyday.
He should be ignoring all other women for you.

Listen love is not one size fits all, what works for you works for you. Just be clear on your standards. Men this goes for you too, not every woman loves the same way. And you may feel different things for different women, and if that's how you want your life, then you need to get good at juggling or you need to decide who you want to focus more love to.

Be safe out there everyone.