Healing Vs. Hoe-Ing

November 26, 2024

“Nah, baby, you’re better than that.”

I do not jump from man to man. I give time and space between my love affairs. I don't do the whole “I’m hurt so I need to make hoe-ish decisions” or “He did me wrong, so I’m going to do something to do him wrong.” - No, that was never my M.O. I took strategic steps after each lover. For those of you who are new, I never use the term “boyfriend” and I don’t like saying “My man”. If I am romantically involved with a man, he is my lover and I’ve only ever had one husband. And the last time I called anyone a boyfriend was in high school. If you prefer to use those terms in your life, by all means, speak how you are most comfortable. This is the dialogue I am comfortable with using. Like I said, I don’t jump from man to man and I give time between each man, six months at the minimum, and that time can last anywhere from just six months to… I’ve gone several years between partners before. It all depends on what my focus is or what is all going on in my life at the time.

Right now, ya girl is finishing up the last leg of this doctorate program and the research aspect of it is kicking my ass! When I step away from my computer and maybe step out to a drink, I am taking that time to decompress my brain. The other day, I took a study break and my mind was in such a daze, I couldn't even focus on what anyone was saying to me, I kept zoning out and thinking about my paper.

But one thing NONE of my previous lovers can say about me is that I was a dumb broad who wasn’t about much. Even with my first pregnancy, I was still ambitious. Probably even more so because I didn’t want to be a bum parent. But anyway, yeah, no man can ever say I lacked intelligence. And I cannot speak for any of my previous lovers, but I would like to believe that at some point in time they realized I deserved more than what they were willing to give me and that I didn't succumb to the woman they wanted me to be but instead stayed on the path of how I'm intended myself to be. No matter how they treated me while we were involved, I want to believe that whatever they think of me now, at the very least they know I'm a good woman and an overall good person who wanted a love that wasn't easily defined and wanted someone to accept me as I was, as I am, and who I will be.

And this topic isn't shaming anyone who gets into relationships easily, most men do it all the time. They fall for a female that makes them feel good and they get hooked. Sidebar, I heard something the other day that stuck with me. A woman said that men lie because they aren't the man they believe themselves to be so they lie, hide the truth, or bend the truth to make themselves seem more than what they actually are. Ladies, gentlemen, what are your thoughts on that? Let it sit and get back to me.

This healing vs. hoe-ing thing is important to distinguish. I don’t find it healthy to heal through someone else. Like if something is fractured in my life, I am not going to lean on someone else to help me get over it, get through it, or forget about it. For instance if I just got out of a relationship, I’m not going to lean on a new man to help me move on. It’s the same if I’m dealing with something heavy in my life, I’m going to give myself time to navigate through it the best way I can.

This doesn't mean you can accept any type of support, we all need some form of it to feel loved and to know we’re not alone, but for me, I won’t depend on support. And some people may say that's a flaw, okay if it is, I accept that, and to be honest with you, even my father doesn't understand why I want to go through things by myself. He’s even said that I shut people out. So hey, Dear Future Lover, this may be a red flag for you. But at least I’m not out here being free-spirited about who has access to me.

But if you are the kind of person who needs that physical comfort or needs someone with you to fulfill whatever is missing or lacking in your life, then do what is best for your health and happiness because some people do need that type of gratification to get through things, I’m just not one of them. Everywhere I lived in my adult years, there may be just one man that people can link back to me romantically. I just don’t move around like that.

I think in a topic a few months ago I mentioned something about a hoe phase, never had one, never wanted to have one, be remember I recently told you guys that I believe loose women don’t get good blessings. And this is not to be religious, it’s a spiritual element too. I’m special, and you should think of yourself that way too. And how special can you continue to be if you give yourself to just anyone. And men really get me with this especially when they get wrapped up in women who aren't even on their playing field all because maybe that woman kept doing things to get his attention or kept feeding his ego or kept making him feel “young”. Fellas….babies, I know you like the attention, I know you like when pretty girls hype you up, I get it, but can you at least deal with a woman with something more than a trail of dope boys, and looking at the floor pictures?

C’mon fellas, especially my mature and dapper gentleman, you know you can do and deserve better than a girl with a loose free-spirited mindset, with questionable direction, and who’s mainly attracted to your appeal for their own self worth. Think about that, you fellas don't see what we see and think we have a problem when we try to tell you about it. Especially my good men out here, you're the standard, don’t link up with someone who lessens your value. I mean if you're going to hoe out, ladies this is for you too, then at least hoe out with people in your spectrum.

Be safe everyone.

Be The Standard

November 16, 2024

“Just because I came from nothing, doesn’t mean I want to go back to it.”

Reader Comment: “The only reason a man should be going below me is to kiss the kitty.”

Reader Comment: “You can’t be a S Class Benz and be worried about a Kia Rio”

“A Fool Isn’t A Fool For Making A Mistake. A Fool Is A Fool For Refusing To Learn.” - Jalen Hurts

We are back with this topic that was influenced by a reader who sent me a message from the last post. I told you I was in a group discussion with mature people talking about various relationship and men and women ideas. We talked about how some people have standards and I mentioned how some people do not understand the concept of standards so they say they don’t have any. And we talked about how a $12 an hour person can still be a great person, but it was also suggested that it’s good to know if that $12 an hour person wants to stay where they’re at or if they want to build on something bigger and that’s how we can distinguish someone’s mindset, are you forever going to be a worker bee? Or do you want to manage and run the beehive one day?

I also mentioned in the last post that I don't like when people look at me and think money simply because I carry myself and certain way or speak with a different vernacular. If you see me and only think money then that was a poor misconception you have. Instead see me and think, that's a woman who takes care of herself or that's a woman who is on her grind and hustles hard. If you don't have that type of critical thinking skills, then yes, you don't have a standard because you're understanding of it is one dimensional. If you can praise someone else for doing good, why are you keeping me out of your praise? Do you not think I deserve to be applauded for my accomplishments? I really don’t understand people who clap at everyone else for living good but will minimize someone else's efforts for living good. It's no different when a man who praises a woman for picking up extra hours at her job, but won't praise another woman who's managing 3 businesses. That’s a man who is focused on the wrong substance. Mature ladies, stay mindful of men like that. They are not in your wheelhouse and they can’t even comprehend what it is you're saying.

I forget what we were talking about and I know this person didn’t mean this as a dig at me, because he was going off of an assumption which I get all the time, but one of the guys in the group conversation that I talked about in the last topic made a comment and said, “Raya doesn’t deal with $12 a hour men.” I mentioned this to one of my guy friends a few days later and he said, “Well you didn’t give 6-figure men a shot either.” And that caught me off guard a little bit because I did not expect him to say that and then he doubled down and said, “You treat all men the same, no matter how much money they make, if they are nice to you, you're nice back, if they are rude, you're rude back, and if they are doing too much, you get annoyed.” And you know what, he is completely correct. But then he followed up with this. He said that men can’t just talk to me any type of way and I asked my friend to explain what he meant by that. He says, "Well a guy can’t just come up to you and say, hey I think you’re really pretty, let me take you to dinner.” Then my friend said, “A guy has to peak your interest by peaking your mind in a way that’s different from other men.” Prior to him saying all this, I was telling my friend that I get all types of men that approach me, but I do notice that more suited men approach me, like men who are older, who are well established, and have more experience in life. But again, I don’t give anyone a chance, not the $12 a hour man nor the million dollar man. And as my friend was saying all this to me, I just kept thinking - Damn, my friends do pay attention to me!

There was a case not too long ago where a man offered to get me VIP seats to a sports game, I would have been sitting in a box with some big names. I’m not dating this man, I’m not interested in this man, nor am I even good friends with this man, so I declined. No. 1, I know he’s interested in me. No. 2, I don’t want to be the type of woman who just rides the wave to see how far I can go. And No. 3, I don’t want to play games with people or feel like I owe this man something. If we were good friends, that’s one thing because friends do for each other all the time, like what you do for me over here, I got you over there. There’s continuity with friendships.

Speaking of friendships. There is one that I recently reassessed. I have a friend who I met when I first relocated, I actually met him through a social group that had planned events for people around town. I only ever hang out with this friend maybe once a year and usually we grab lunch or drinks just to catch up. The last time we caught up he was saying things that really began to annoy me. He was saying how he had a crush on my when we first met, I wasn't bothered by that comment because even a different guy friend one time said to me, “Raya, I’ll never get at you because of my boy, but I’m still a man and I got eyes.” So I know men look at me like that, but when this guy started to say I had a thing for him too, that's when I started to give him the side eye. He’s not a bad looking guy, but I was never interested in him and when I joined the social group I only joined to meet new people because I was new in town. I didn’t join to find dates. But he kept saying things like that and was too confident about it, like dude you're cool but I’m not looking at you like that and never did. Like there’s things about him that don't compliment my demeanor and don't really align with my personality which isn't a bad thing, it’s just not my interest. I don’t know what grown man who talks about being on TikTok or talks about wanting to be a social media content creator. Like if you're on there for entertainment or promoting a business, cool, but if you're trying to make it part of your livelihood, hmmm, that's not for me. I don’t need to showcase what I’m doing or how I’m living. I don’t have TikTok and my personal Instagram page is private and I don’t share much on there anyway. But that's not what really made me reassess my friendship with this man...

About 4-5 years ago, something occured and I wasn't accessible for a few days. One of my friends got worried and reached out to our mutual friends to try to reached me and when they couldn't get a hold of me they reached out to people they thought may know what was going on. And this guy was one of the people they reached out to and of course they didn't know that I’m not that close to this guy, but they were just worried. Anyway ever since that happened, the guy brings it up every time we hang out. This last time I told him to stop bringing it up because I don’t talk about it and no one else talks about it from my side. Also, he doesn't know the full back story so he really speaking on something he knows nothing about. I was irritated at this point. Like you don't know the people that reached out to you, you don’t know what they were thinking, you don’t know what their intention was, so stop bringing it up. Even after I said that, he kept trying to sneak it in and eventually he tried to back peddle and started giving me compliments, it was already to late, I was already beyond annoyed. His friendship has not made much of an impact on my life that I need to keep it going how it’s been going. We were never close. My other friend was right, you can’t just say anything to me especially if you’ve not really imprinted on me. I won’t be rude to this guy, but we’re not hanging out anymore unless other people I know will be hanging out with us.

Plus, many of you already know, I’m not a loose woman. I may be outside every now and then, and I may be nice but there’s limits to it and if you see that I’m getting bothered by something, then you need to stop. I may show some thigh, I may wear a low cut shirt, or I may show a little stomach. Just because I show it, doesn’t mean it’s for you and definitely doesn’t mean I’m giving it to anyone. I’m just comfortable with my body and know how to style my clothes to compliment my shape.

Back to the conversation with my friend, I was talking to my him about that topic of standards, and he said something else that really caught my mind. Real quick, my friend is in his fifties, he’s had a fulfilled life so far, understand that how you want to. He said, “We’ve grown past the point of accepting or dealing with just anything so we do have standards, otherwise anyone and everyone can have at us.” That makes so much sense because do you have that type of time on your hands? Baby, I sure don't.

I made a joke in the last post saying how my previous lovers went below standard after me, they just get in anyone’s bed - I’m not going to start any trouble, but maybe those mfers need to know, I’m still everything they loved and even better now - you see this yellow dress I got on? They all know I can I can shut it down, because one thing I will always wear well is CONFIDENCE even if I’m wearing sweatpants. And I don’t have to be loud about it, I’m very demure and quiet when I’m in a group of people, because what’s known doesn’t have to be spoken and other people usually speak it for me anyway. But with silliness aside, when I was with them and when I loved them, they met a certain standard for me at that particular juncture in my life because each of them were different so the standard wasn’t the same for all of them. What I wanted or needed from one lover at a particular time in my life was not the same as what I wanted and needed from another lover at a different time in my life. What I needed from my marriage wasn’t the same as what I needed from my lover who live in another state. Even now, what I wanted and needed 5 years ago isn’t the same today. I did say that I’m open to more things now, but I still want to be loved and protected and appreciated, although how I receive that love, protection, and appreciation doesn’t have the same ask as it did 5-10 years ago. And for me to get that, I have to set a standard for it.

I think some people think of standards as the bar being at a certain level and you have to reach that level. No it’s not that simple, it's deeper than that. The standard is what you are able to accept into your life and to what degree do you accept it. For example, I can accept a $12 an hour man, but I cannot accept if that’s where he wants to stay, because baby I want you to grow. I want you to create and build something that you can pass on to other people and help them grow. I don’t want you just to be an employee, I want you to guide employees and help them better develop their skills and their value. But if you don’t want any of that, it’s okay, we aren't a good match. Because I’ve done well, I want to help others do well too. I don’t want to gate keep success, hear that again, Don’t gate keep success. We can all eat. I want to help you create your blueprint - if that’s what you want. If not, that’s fine, everyone’s ambitions are not the same.

In this matter, I am the standard of growth and you can grow at your own pace, but I still want you to grow and do things that contribute to your growth. Don’t look at me and think, I’m all about people with money, no I’m all about people who are hungry, but let’s not get it twisted, just because you’re hungry, doesn’t mean I’m going to be interested in you romantically, because remember, I don’t even give million dollar men a chance. And my friend said it - A man has to peak my mind in a way another man hasn’t. So I am not out here being sloppy with anyone, because…Baby, I am the standard. And to my previous lovers…uhmmm, again you see that yellow dress, none of your biches know how to pull that off. I’m still the greatest baby...jk. Let me stop before someone catches wind to this and gets in their feeling about it. It’s all love here. But seriously, let me stop playing on here, I don’t know what any of them got going on or what type of girls are on their roster, as long as they aren't letting any broad stress them out, well fellas if you're going to let a woman stress you out at least let it be a woman who's about something. You gonna be a million dollar man and let a $12 a hour broad stress you out? Listen, I used to be a $12 an hour broad. I was that girl. I haven't seen $12 a hour since I was 19/20 because I knew that's not all I wanted, so I made sure to raise my own bar and achieve more. What are we saying now… I am the standard. Remember fellas, you too are the standard. So make sure you are not out here looking and acting shameful with whoever just because she has a pretty face and feed you compliments all the time, don’t be dense. Be mature about it.

Be safe everyone.

Shameful

November 12, 2024

“Be ashamed if you think you’ve not done anything shameful.”

READER COMMENTS:

"If you are at level 5, you can relate to someone at level 1, but can someone at level 1 relate to you?" -

"Raya, a grown man doesn't want a woman who doesn't have her mind right." -

"Unless that 25 y/o has kids, a house, and a job to keep up with, they can't keep up with someone who already has it." -

"A mature woman wants a mature man and vice versa." -

"I'm a 32 year old man, a 22 year old girl can't do what a 32 year old woman can do." -

"A man can make less than me, but he needs to help me balance my life in other ways." -

"I don't make 6 figures and I don't like it when women rub it in my face about it." -

"I want a bougie woman that wants for nothing and just wants me." -

"Be my rider. Don't be my headache." -

"If a woman make me feel whole, I'm coming home to her every night." -

"Mature man here. I been with young girls, I been with grown women and I can say young girls are more fun but grown women know how to hold you down." -

READER COMMENTS: "If you are at level 5, you can relate to someone at level 1, but can someone at level 1 relate to you?" - "Raya, a grown man doesn't want a woman who doesn't have her mind right." - "Unless that 25 y/o has kids, a house, and a job to keep up with, they can't keep up with someone who already has it." - "A mature woman wants a mature man and vice versa." - "I'm a 32 year old man, a 22 year old girl can't do what a 32 year old woman can do." - "A man can make less than me, but he needs to help me balance my life in other ways." - "I don't make 6 figures and I don't like it when women rub it in my face about it." - "I want a bougie woman that wants for nothing and just wants me." - "Be my rider. Don't be my headache." - "If a woman make me feel whole, I'm coming home to her every night." - "Mature man here. I been with young girls, I been with grown women and I can say young girls are more fun but grown women know how to hold you down." -

I gave you an intro in the previous topic about a young lady who starting seeing a guy, but her friends don’t like him because of his shameful things that he’s done or said. And I told her, “Look, if you like the guy and you are having fun, just keep hanging out with him.” Here’s the thing, we are going to go through different types of relationships. We are going to learn a lot from them even the ones that weren’t the best for us. We can’t grow if we don’t continue to navigate new things. And you are going to do shameful things and make shameful decisions that you are going to defend in that moment, but when you move on from that moment, you are going to have this new perception of yourself.

I am not ashamed to admit my shortcomings and I will be the first to say what I need to work on. Hindsight is 20/20, and trust me I’m not saying that the men I’ve previously dealt with have been perfect, but only they can to want to work on their flaws, I can mention it, but they have to want to work on it. And I think I’ve told you that the next man I get involved with in any capacity whether it’s a serious lover or a cuddle buddy, I am going to tell him what my flaws are. I’m going to tell him, “Hey, sometimes I’m not great at expressing myself or letting you know I miss you or that I want your company. And sometimes I may say something that might come off rude, but if you want this with me,then be patient and help me with it.” I want someone who isn’t going to throw in the towel when things get a little uncomfortable. Let’s created a fabric that keeps us willing to develop better ways of communicating with one another. Right now these kinds of relationships have to be of value to me and have to me meaningful to me even if it’s just temporary fun.

And I am going to address this because many of you keep making these suggestions. Say if a previous lover came back into my life, of course there may have been some things that were both hurt by, but I am at that mindset to just let that go and not revert back to the same things that did not work. Let’s not cause each other triggers or any new long-term pain. Let’s start fresh. And I’m not going to lie to you, I am well aware that a lot of men find me attractive. But if I am with someone whether he’s a lover, cuddle buddy or whatever, I’m not going to lean into the compliments other men give me. Even if the man I am sleeping with is sitting next to me and no one knows about is, because again, I don’t like to display my intimate relationships to people. If you know you know, but I’m not going to purposefully showcase it. But what you may see is me engaging more with the man sitting next to me than any other man and giving him special treatment. And people may see that as us being good friends or they may see it as us possibly together in some capacity. Either way, the one that I am sleeping with, I want him to know I want him, not these other men who are trying to take me out, no, I want the man who you may or may not know is my man. And I’m using the “My Man” term loosely, because you know that’s not a term that’s in my normal vernacular. Also, in return, I want to feel wanted too. Give me more attention when were are hanging out somewhere and give me special treatment. Let me know when you miss me and want to see me. Even if we are not going home together at the end of the night, make me feel that I’m the one who’s on your mind.

But let’s lets get back to the shameful things. We have to be aware when we are doing something shameful or making shameful decisions. Especially when we are in mentally inappropriate relationships. Here’s another tidbit from my PhD friend’s research; a five year olds mind isn’t the same as a fifteen year old’s mind. The same goes for a twenty-five year old’s mind isn’t the same as forty-five year old’s mind. You may like some of the same things, but the way our minds process information at different stages in life are not the same. Even if that twenty-five year old is making a half million dollars a year, what that person’s mind is capable of doing isn’t the same as what a forty-five year old mind is capable of doing. Don’t let lust cloud that judgment to where you are defending an age inappropriate relationship because you both like the same reality shows. - I’m being facetious with that example, but you get it. And my friend says a man who doesn’t get it has a complexity issue with his own age and identity and he will keep rationalizing his choices no matter how it makes him look. Sidebar: the President elect has that same issue on many levels.

The other day I was having a conversation with a mature group of people and the topic was about men and women and their preferences and roles in relationships. One of the highlights that came from the conversation was a woman being feminine and letting a man be a man. I am not sure if I share all of this or just pieces because I more listened than speak because I like hearing other views, but I said that I believe when women become very independent, we tend to emasculate men without even realizing it because we are so used to doing everything ourselves, we are not open to allowing a man do something for us. I will admit, I am guilty of this. Independent women have created their own securities, sometimes so much that when a man wants to share some of his securities with her, she doesn’t welcome it. And the result of that is the man not feeling wanted or needed so he doesn’t feel valued. There was an example the group used about changing tires and cooking. Even if a man cannot change a tire, he should be able delegate that task to someone who does. Same with a woman, if she doesn’t know how to cook, she can order take out. The end result is, the tired is changed and there is a hot meal on the table. But men and when have to share their securities with each other to get to that result and part of that is talking about where they fall short and where they can step in and come up with solutions to make our lives easier. This is also an area I need to work on. Even with my previous lover, we didn’t have the type of relationship where we did those things. But did we need to have that type of relationship? I don’t know because our dynamic was a little unconventional and it was more about spending time and having fun together as opposed to doing things for each other, but I’m not going to get into that and I’m not going to say which lover it was, but I’ve only ever mentioned three so go ahead with your process of elimination.

And when I talk about “weight class” I am not talking about your salary. I am talking about where your mind is at in life. The value of money came up as well in a conversation. The discussion was about how it doesn’t matter what you are earning, it matters how you are making your partner feel and how you are treating your partner. My weight class is someone who can understand or empathize what I go through as a parent, as someone who has responsibility to my family, as a career oriented person, and as someone who doesn’t just do the bare minimum. I’m older, so there are things I picked up along the way that a twenty-one year person cannot fully comprehend. I need the comprehension to be aligned. Money has nothing to do with it and money cannot buy comprehension. But there was something that the only other woman in the group beside myself said in the group conversation that I fully agree with. Some point of the conversation the example of cutting grass was used and the woman said she doesn’t mind if her partner cuts grass for a living, but she’s going to want to know if he’s content with doing that or if he wants to do something more with it? Do you want to keep working for someone else? Do you want to have your own lawncare business? Or is this temporary until something else comes along? And I don’t think I applauded her for saying it and I loved that she said it, because that is a very mature mindset and that let me know that she is an elevated women who wants to build something with a man. There’s nothing wrong with starting from the bottom, but is that where you want to stay? If I’m at level three and you are a level one, I don’t mind if you are working to get to level three, but I will mind if you want to stay at level one. It’s a different mentality.

Fellas, what about you, are you okay with a women staying at level one? Like you’ve been dating her for several years and she’s still at the same place in life as when you met her. Are you good with that? I think this question was phrased to the group slightly differently and someone said he didn’t mind if his woman was unemployed as long as she was taking care of the household and his needs. And if that’s okay with him and his woman, that’s their relationship. But let’s not forget there’s different types of men and women. I am a woman who likes to have more purpose that just my man, some men don’t like that, that’s fine, no hurt, no shame, that’s not the man for me.

And I think someone mentioned standards. There’s a standard to everything. Like why are you driving a luxury car instead of a economy car? Because you have a standard, right? And it’s okay to have standards, don’t shame people for them because a lot of times we developed our standards due to previous experiences. Like maybe you prefer navigation and leather seats and tvs in your car, so that is your standard when car buying. And to go back to the money topic, I don’t care how much money you make, but don’t shame me for doing well and spending my money how I want to spend it. Don’t make me feel bad for maintaining myself especially when I am not asking anyone to do it for me. When men criticize women like that, it shows their own insecurity. I don’t like sharing how much I earn or what I have, even when people ask me what I do for a living, I just say HR and I really don’t go into details about it because it is a vast field and people have different ideas of what HR does, so I just let them think what they think. At the very least, you know I’m a professional with years of experience. You don’t need to know what my checks look like. Just like I don’t need to know what your checks looks like. The only thing I need to know is if you want me as much as I want you and if we are open to understanding each other and if we can communicate through our flaws and help each other be better.

You probably thought this topic was going to be about the shameful things men do to piss women off, and yes, men are good at doing that, but what’s love without some challenges, and what’s love if it doesn’t teach us a few things? The shameful thing is not taking the risk. The shameful thing is avoiding our flaws. The shameful thing is not being open to other point of views. The shameful thing is not being clear about what we want and misrepresenting ourselves. The shameful thing is not learning how to love people and ourselves better. Do you agree?

Be safe everyone.

Easy?

November 7, 2024

“When you take the easy way, you end up taking a longer route. - Read that again.”

Recently, several of my friends have been inquiring about my love life, asking me if I’m currently seeing anyone, what exactly I want in a relationship, and why being single has become my preference. One of my guy friends actually mentioned that I keep running, and I took a moment to reflect on it, I began to think that he might partially be right. I find myself caught in the middle of wanting something easy and enjoyable, while also wanting a more complicated challenge at the same time, but let me be clear about this: I do not want the type of challenge that keeps secrets from me, or the kind that gaslights me when I ask questions, and I certainly don’t want anything that makes me feel foolish or leaves a hole in my heart. I want a challenge that is genuine and fulfilling and makes me want to be the best partner for him.

I was telling another friend that I developed this paradigm that loose women don’t get good blessings. Which is why I’m not out here just giving my goods to anyone. And I would not entirely agree that I am running, but I am very cautious and intune with what may fulfill me and what may stress me. I know I mentioned in a previous topic that I am not normal, so my relationships can’t be normal either. Normal won’t keep me happy, normal won’t surprise me. And I also mention that someone suggested a cuddle buddy, which I am not opposed to, but again, I will need some upfront understanding of what I will and will not accept. And I am open to hearing his boundaries too. I don’t know where the line is if you don’t tell me. Also, my other criteria is that my lover has to be in my weight class or above it. I know I made this reference before and I account it for men too.

When you deal with someone in your weight class and you are transparent with what you want, there’s less issues because you are on similar wavelengths. Someone below your weight class is going to want more of you or more that what you are willing to give. They may be subtle about it at first, but eventually their need for you perpetuates beyond what you’re comfortable with. *But I need to mention that you may have this problem with anyone if you are not clear with your boundaries, even someone in your weight class can be an issue if you do not communicate effectively.

It’s very similar to the 80/20 rule. I’ve not highlighted this in a long time, but lets give it its own space. You’ve got someone who gives you 80%, but with people, especially with men they run after the 20% because it’s new, it’s fresh, it’s exciting. But that 20% isn’t fulfilling you like the 80% does and men tend to be the main ones who try to defend that 20% decision. No baby, its making you foolish and you can’t even see it. But if you need that 20% don’t showcase it like it’s 100%. This may go over some of your heads. - Don’t be mad a me, be mad at yourself for wanting to keep that clown nose on.

But what does this 80/20 rule mean for someone like me who has a lot of other things to focus on than a relationship? I’m lover girl true and true. I want to love on people and I love loving on someone and I have mentioned that I need to work on how I express my affections, but I do like having companionship. I like being able to have a conversation with someone and they give me feedback that’s articulate and insightful. I like spending time with someone who makes me laugh and makes me feel seen and appreciated. But with a romantic connection, I want the person to know and feel that I care, but I also want them to know that I have a few goals right now that I am working on and that I am not always going to be accessible or be the best company when I’m in my zone.

If we are spending time together, I am going to give you my 100%, but you cannot expect that all day everyday from me. I just can’t do it. And I cannot have someone who needs that much of me all the time. But when I’m in front of you and we are putting other things aside for the moment, then I am loving all of you. And if I cook for you, oh I really love you. Food is one of my ways I express gratitude. Even if you are just my friend, if I make you something from my kitchen, then you have a place in my heart. So I really don’t know what perspective this is in regards to the 80/20 rule, I just know if you take time to invest in me or someone like me then you are going to have a great return. And if anyone knows anything about investing and the stock market, you know it’s full of highs and lows, but if the goal is to get to know me, be in my life, and experience things with me, then you are going to continue to take your time with me.

I’m not easy, people like me are not easy. I have opinions, I have ambitions, I work hard, I’m smart, but I also have a sensitive heart because people like me have become so independent due to being disappointed by people we thought we could trust. So when I say you have to take your time, I really need you to think on that. And yes, it may seem like we’re running, we just can never tell who’s really by us or who is just using us for their own convenience and thrills.

Be safe everyone.