Since we got a lot of interest from the last topic, the reader who sent the message asked if she could detail the rules of dealing with married men. I like learning different points of views, so I said sure. Now the next topic is going to be from a married woman’s point of view because I got a lot of you ladies who want to say your part about this too. So let’s start.
The reader wants to be referred to as “TJ” and here is her blueprint for married men. To be honest, a lot of what she shared is admirable considering the nature of these types of relationships.
The man needs to first make it known that he is married. This sets the foundation. This puts an automatic understanding of how the relationship can or cannot develop. Even if the man is separated, he is still obligated to his wife to a certain degree. TJ says married is married until the divorce papers are signed.
Talk about the do’s and don’ts and stick with them. TJ says both of you need to outline what you want from each other. Is it a casual once a few months thing, are you hanging out a few times a week, and what all is expected when you two are together?
If a man is with his family or his wife, you keep your distance unless that man says something to you. TJ said she once dealt with a man who introduced her to his wife. She said she was out having lunch with some girlfriends and the man came to the same spot with his wife and instead of acting like he didn’t know her, the guy walked up with his wife and introduced TJ as one of his friends. Ladies, if you are not comfortable with this type of interaction, let that man know so there’s no awkward situations for either of you.
The rules are different if he is out with another woman who is not his wife. You can and should say hi to the man, because the only person he should be worried about is his wife and that’s it. Any other woman is rocking the same boat you are. And if he does act funny when he’s with another woman, that’s a sign that he doesn’t know how to handle his decisions and will play mind games with you and any other woman he’s talking to.
Even though he’s stepping outside of his marriage, make sure that man has standards in the types of women he deals with and the types of people he surrounds himself with. (Don’t I say this all the time?") TJ says when a man doesn’t have standards, then he will likely be dealing with women who either don’t have standards themselves or who have low standards and have issues controlling themselves in various situations. Here’s my thing about standards: when I hear someone say they don't have any, my immediate thought is to say, “Yeah, I can tell.” If you don’t have standards, then you are willing to accept anything from anyone. Is that the type of person you are? Understand what you’re saying before you say it, especially if you are saying it around someone like me. Rather than saying you don’t have standards, say that you are open-minded to dating different types of people, but there are things that you prefer and won’t accept from someone. Everyone has their non-negotiables and that is also known as standards.
Be realistic about your situation. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can have a future with a married man. And you can decide when you are done. He already has a home with someone, so however that is, you are the outlier and you are the one who can come and go as you please. TJ said never convince yourself you have to be committed or dedicated to a married man. His availability is not like your availability and you are not obligated to him in any way. Don’t create false hope with that man. Even if he says he loves you and wishes his wife were more like you, that’s just him being in the moment and you can be in that moment with him too, but don’t let that cloud your reality.
No pictures. As beautiful as the moment may be, never take any “couple” photos with a married man. Photos that look suggestive or make it look like that’s something going on with you two. TJ says group pictures with friends or other people is okay, but it’s better to have no pictures at all of you two in the same photo. I know this new generation likes to share everything online, baby, I’m not from this new generation. I may snap a pic with someone here and there, but that all depends on who I am around and who my audience is. Not everyone gets to see what I’m doing or who I am with. And if you are dealing with a married man, that needs to be understood.
Be on birth control. TJ says the last thing you want is to be the side bitch with a side baby. No one wants that. So, go to your doctor and handle that.
So that is TJ’s blueprint for dealing with married men. What do you think of it? Personally, all of it is very modern and practical. I can see how she has her fun and doesn’t get caught up in any bs. I already know there’s going to be a group of you ladies who have a lot to say about this, so go ahead and start your messages. I’ll be on standby to read through them. But let’s all be aware that this is not something that rarely happens. Married people have side relationships all the time. That song “Poppa was a rolling stone” wasn’t about a man who was dedicated to only one woman. And whether you want to admit it or not, I’m sure there’s an older relative or two who had secret children or other families they created. I know I have some of those relatives. But what TJ shared is giving you a way to enjoy these side relationships without destroying anyone’s home. The reality is, the only people who can destroy a home or a marriage are the people who are living in it, because anything a married man or woman does outside their home or relationship is a conscious choice. And if you are going to make that choice, you need to follow some protocols. Can we at least agree on that?
Be safe everyone.
