Don't Give Everyone Access: PT 2

First, A Reader Question: “Would you swap your current age to be in your 20s again?”

Me: Absolutely not. My 20s were great. It holds many reasons why I make the decisions I make today. Not everything in my 20s was all rainbows and sunshine, it was the dark days that remind me how I got through some tough battles. Even with my trials now, I have to keep telling myself,

What was yesterday is yesterday. You can carry it into today, but remember, what you keep carrying from each day puts more weight on you. We have to learn to process and talk about pain to let it go.

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On to the topic….

This post from July 2020 for some reason keeps getting searched and it has the most views out of all my posts and I am not sure why? I’ve not written anything Noble Prize worthy, just an idea that not everyone should have all privileges to you, whether it be friend, family, or partner.

It is also a bit of a coincidence that this post is most popular because it fits my current mindset even more than previously. There are elements around me that I’m unsure of and I am taking my time to observe it all to decided what is right for me right now. You see the thing is, what you decide today may not be what you decide tomorrow. Everyday the mind changes, the heart changes, our needs change and we decide on what is best for us even it just in the moment. I may decide to give someone access to me this week and next week, I want to be left alone. — No, it may not be fair to the other person, in which case I still have to be aware of the decisions I make and how it may affect others.

Full post below.

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Let’s talk a moment.

Let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, he ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

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Self-Care, Peace & The V Care

UPDATE 1: Some of you answered my questions in the last section. - Thank you.😊

UPDATE 2: I needed to let the answers sink in before I gave my response…(very bottom).

UPDATE 3: The reader further explained her arrangement with her friend.

Taking care of yourself has become a priority over the years when researchers found that stress leads to many health complications which has birthed the whole “self-care” movement. We see ads, images, and events surrounding around taking care of You. What is self-care? - There is really no wrong or right answer. My definition of it is pretty simple, take the time to yourself, relax, cook, read a book, draw a hot bath, watch some television, etc.

My self-care is about letting go of any ill thoughts that tighten my mind. If something is upsetting me, I walk though it — why it upsets me, what my connection is to it, how important it is to me, and then let it go. Here’s one antidote for example: I was in a text conversation the other day and there was one topic that kept getting brought up (hint: when things keep coming to surface, there is still an issue. If you notice someone continuing to mention the same things, there is still an issue, pay attention to it). There was a point in the discourse where I could feel myself getting frustrated and wanted to be like, fuck this, they don’t value my opinion, I give up, but giving up on things is not a strong suit and I had to pause and think, What can I do to aide this problem? After I noticed that the conversation circled around one topic, I decided, OK, I’m going to fix this and it was a very simple solution, so I pulled the plug on it and it never has to be an issue for this person again. The person also mentioned a separate issue that I am absent minded on, so I cannot fix anything that I am not aware of and I can only do but so much when I’m not the only one involved. Part of peace of mind is to release what binds you. When you think of something and it brings you back to a negative space or your facial expressions, body language or demeanor immediately change, and you don’t find yourself laughing, then you haven’t gotten peace from it. — Think on it, sort it out, and lay it to rest.

When communicating with people, you have to pay attention to what You are paying attention to while also actively listening. — Give and receive, not give and take. I am a very analytical person, I look/listen for the intention of someone’s words, the tone, and the content - what are they trying to say to me and how I am understanding it and is how I am understanding it coming across in a way that it is understandable for them? The biggest problem with communication is that we want to express ourselves and get results for us, but we are not open to hearing what results someone else wants. I don’t want to be like that, so part of my self-care is making sure other parts of my life like my relationships with people is grounded, not superficial and deflective. I don’t always shut people out….and sometimes I make plans with the girls. — We are all so spread out in our lives now, careers, families, etc. that it’s becoming harder and harder to get together.

But it was something that one of you said a few weeks ago that struck a cord….

”On my self-care days, I get waxed, washed up, buy some new Vickie’s and call up a guy and have him come over to satisfy me. I do it once a month. I’m not married, not in a relationship, but I still need my needs met to help me release any pent up tension.” 😯

I never thought to think of self-care in that manner, but this person brings up a good topic…Is self-care also “V-Care”? So if we spend the whole day surrounded around taking care of the 😺 does that then take care of everything else? I think in a previous post we had a guy in the comments say something along the lines of when a woman is upset, she only needs 2 things: Food and 🍆. How true is this statement to any of you? I just can’t bring myself to call up a man and say, “Hey. My House. Tonight. 9pm. Bring pizza.” - I’m sure there is more conversation and finesse to this, but let me run through this…

Say if I am having a bad week or my week was so hectic that I barley had a chance to breathe, I take a few hours to freshen myself up and call in some 🍆??? Is there an app for that? 😂 — I guess there is some good health aspects to….ummm…getting your feminine needs met, but I’m trying to wrap my mind around the concept of using another person to do that. This isn’t like a simple massage where you get some muscles worked out and there’s relaxing music in the background with scented candles….THIS is a completely different massage where you get many muscles worked out 😮 ….and relaxing music in the background with scented candles. Are the men okay with this??? What agreements are there? If I’m inviting the guy over, do I provide the food? Do I let him stay over? Do we watch tv first? How does this all work? I’m so mind blown about this different form of self care. I never thought of sex as being self-care, but it makes sense. Am I late to the game??? Am I being selfish with myself???

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UPDATE #1: Thank you to those of you who answered my silly questions, I have no clue what to think of this. I am in shock and awe. 🤣

“Hey Raya! No you don’t have to do any of that stuff. He can just come over for one reason and leave. If you want to go all out, get yourself a nice hotel, it can be local and have a good night there.”

“YES you are late to the game! LOL. But you don’t seem to be that type anyway so you’re good. Some of us need that v-care to stay sane. It’s like getting your routine oil changed in the car. It doesn’t have to be every month. Only when you are really feeling out of it and the regular self care stuff isn’t working.”

“Girl yes! Get you someone to give you a special massage. It can just be a friend or someone you won’t run into a lot. Those spas can only do so much for us. Have a man you can do anything with and not think anything of it the next day except that he helped you relieve some stress.”

“I’m the one who said that. The guy I call is a friend. He is not in a relationship either and he calls me too when he needs something, so it is mutual. We started making a joke out of it and call it, ‘making an appointment’. We do hang out a little before and after because I like to cuddle and because we are friends we just chillout for a little. I don’t want to feel cheap and he understands that. Sometimes I cook, sometimes he brings food or he cooks. When he calls I go to his place. When I call he comes to mine. After we are done we don’t talk about it. We talk about everything else except ‘the appointment’. Both of us are in our forties and I’m not in the dating scene. I’m not sure if he is because we don’t talk about that either, but when I am over his house I don’t see any women’s stuff so Idk. I am an attorney and he is a doctor so we work around the clock. This deal works for us.”

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UPDATE #2: Ok, so how I am understanding this is the v-care is just as important to self-care as it is to mental health, yes? My conundrum is how would I even present this proposition to a man? If I were to consider this, it definitely would not be a stranger, but surely a friend I trust and who is also unattached. I also very much understand the “not feeling cheap” part, so my other confusion is, would it blur the lines if I called him for other things like for example, helping me put together a bookcase or move furniture? Because if he is my friend, would he not be willing to assist me in other aspects of my life or would I need to call someone else for that? Or if I’m just randomly out, it is good form to see if he wants come hang out with me? I’m not in the dating scene either so the special arrangement does have an allure to it, but I feel like it can be problematic. Women tend to be territorial by default, should there be a discussion on how we act towards each other when we are in public and around other people or friends? If we have a special arrangement then how special should we treat each other when in public? Am I overthinking this?

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UPDATE #3: From the reader with the arrangement:

"Raya, I did the same thing and asked myself all the same questions. I’m an analytical person too. I weighed out the pros and cons and the pros outweighed the cons. I was married before and my friend has never been married. I don’t have kids, he has 2 teenagers. We do hangout with our other friends. Everything is the same with our friendship except for when we have our “appointments”. I didn’t propose anything to him, we were just having fun one night when we were out with our friends and he took me home. We ended up having sex. The next day I called him and said that I can’t have this be something and we talked about it. We both came up with it together. We have been doing it for about 8 months so far. And we agreed that if it gets too much then we would stop because we don’t want to lose each other as friends. If you are going to do it, I highly suggest it’s someone you already know and who is kind of in the same boat as you. Another thing is you have to be honest with each other and there are things that you will need to talk about so none of you gets confused. I don’t recommend this for everyone, just people who work a lot or are busy a lot and still want something to make her feel like a woman.

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Recovery 2021

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2021….what can I say. I don’t remember part of you and what I do remember either makes me smile or makes me wonder, WTF?!

If you read any of my previous posts, you have a general idea of what I went through recently, if not, here is a recap: I had some health issues and after I made the decision to get myself better, there were some setbacks with residing side effects.

Recovery is a time you take to rediscover what makes you happy. And since the beginning of November I’ve been doing just that. I may have lost about a few months of this year due to an unfortunate mishap, but the silver lining is that it was only a few months and not a few years and what is lost will either stay lost and it's what’s best or what's lost will be found again and I gain clarity from it. Regardless of the possibilities, I still have to keep living every day knowing how blessed I am.

This is my renewed policy: I am going to joke, I am going to laugh, I am going to smile, I am going to toast, I am going to dress, I am doing to dance, and I am going to enjoy every moment I have.

AND, I am no longer going to feel bad for being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, and overwilling to make others feel comfortable. But, I am going to be very strict with my goals and my standards. There is something I want to accomplished in the next 4-5 years and even through the fun, I’m not going to allow any distractions. And If I see or witness something I don’t like, I’m not waiting for any explanations, I’m just going to move around it.

I am in full VIXEN mode….an untouchable vixen…who who builds, manages, and maintains her own conglomerate. If anyone cannot take the pressure, find the exit.

I’m a great person, that will never change. It’s my core. I love people. I protect people. But I am going to start taking myself away from people who don’t appreciate all that I am. I don’t plan on hurting anyone’s feelings or pride, but I’m not going to hurt myself either.

2021 may have erased some things, but it reminded me of a lot. So no matter what this new year brings, I am going to be all of me and then some. Of course no one can guarantee that it will be smooth sailing, life never worked that way, but shit, I’m still going to ride that boat through all the rough waves and storms. And any gentleman who wants to pursue me will need to be just that a gentleman…with a little edge. — And who isn’t afraid of me, who isn’t afraid to say it, who isn’t afraid to show it and who wants to build millions with me.

Where I want to be is with and around people who have the same gumption, discipline, and energy. Agree to disagree. — If something doesn’t work then restrategize, restructure, and refocus, but don’t run away and definitely don’t give up.

This is my affirmation. This is what I am putting out into the universe. And with this last week of 2021, I’m not doing anything too extravagant or over the top. I'm going to do my daily routines, head to my favorite coffee shop in the mornings and see some of my favorite bartenders in the evenings where some of the locals know me and usually drum up a little conversation with me. And before 10pm, I’ll be back in my little space, making myself a little snack and taking the night down with some tv. I don’t want to be out all hours of the night, I don’t want to go to any “hot spots”, I don’t want to be in any loud or overly crowded spaces. I’m a social person but I am not a social butterfly if that makes sense, in other words, I’m not a basic woman, but I do appreciate simplicity.

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I Like When He...(NSFW)

*This is now available in MEMBERS ONLY.

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*That’s probably because people mistaken us for soft because we love so much.

HER

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For any woman (or man) who has ever doubted herself, felt lonely, went unappreciated, was lied to, disappointed, had self-esteem issues, lacked confidence, just know it’s a phase and you will get through it. So far I’ve went through this phase three times in life, and I am still pulling myself through the current one.

I seem to have these moments anytime there is a major life change where I have to make some big decisions for myself.

There is no easy way to climb out of feelings of depression and the only thing to do is decide whether this is how you want to be for the rest of your life. With the recent battle, it wasn’t just my health that set me back, although it was a major contribution, I also realized I was not “happy” for a long time. From what memories I still have, I do remember that I smiled, laughed, and hung out with people, but internally I wasn’t really present. — I was just going through the motions.

When the pandemic shutdown in March 2020 began, I shut myself in. Work didn't change for me, it just had it's challenges. My friend groups were all being cautious, so I didn't see much of them, and I didn't get to travel as much as I’m used to. So the pandemic did force some changes that hindered me a little. Towards the 3rd quarter of the year, I began to get back out, although against my better judgment and that's when I began to unravel and didn't even realize it.

I think I allowed a lot of things that I normally would not allow to happen because I felt I needed to do something different, be someone different. It’s like I stopped investing in my own stock and sold off shares for less than their value….not the case anymore.

I have experienced enough in life to know what I want and can be assertive about it, but I am also aware that there is still so much life in me that I have to yet learn. It’s an ongoing cycle and not always a fun ride, but a ride nonetheless. *And keep reminding yourself that we don’t compete with other people, we compete with ourselves so we are either our own come up or downfall.

Sometimes I feel like I should write a book about all I’ve been through, but then I think…I don’t have to explain anything to anyone nor do I want to tell the details of my story. Most of my family and friends would be surprised about some revelations. But what I keep private has purpose and sometimes that purpose is to either protect myself or other people. I’m not one of these people on social media who asks for thoughts and prayers anytime something unfortunate happens and I definitely don’t share when I am not feeling like myself because I don’t need everyone’s affirmations. I also don’t like for people to carry my weight when I know everyone has their own to carry.

In this last year, there were 3 different incidences where I could have not made it. I don’t know if 2021 is my defining year, but shit, it sure was a scary one. — Lord, if you’re ready for me to come home, just say it, I don’t need anymore close encounters. Please! — But, I’m still here, so I guess I still have mountains to conquer.

I can honestly say that I am much happier today than I was earlier this year. I’m still missing a big chunk of 2021, but maybe that’s for good reason or divine intervention? Who knows. What I do know is that I am feeling very refreshed, more eager, more determined, and my confidence level is climbing stairs….with ankle weights. There are still some inflictions I need to figure out, people I need to speak to, and doors I need to close and I am going to do it with open ears, open eyes and with an open heart topped off with a smile no matter the outcome.

I mentioned before that I am ready to make everyone uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean that I am on a war path to putting others down. No. It means that I’m prepared to enjoy what I want to enjoy, who I want to enjoy it with and not harp on who may have an issue with what I decide to do. Whether I want to stay in and enjoy my own company, I am not going to shy away from saying, “I want to be by myself this evening.” OR whether I want to go out and hang with a few people, we may be out all night or just out for a few hours. — Whatever I decide, I’m standing by it.

Some people may start saying, “She acting new” or “She’s acting different” — And they can say whatever they want make them feel comfortable in trying to make sense of what I do. I’m no longer appealing to everyone else’s expectations. If I’m good with it, it’s happening. If not, Bye.

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Women and The Sum of All Fears

There has always been and unfortunately may always be a stigma of women not being held to the same regards as men even if we hold more leverage. The importance of our value and safety is considered but not always sought through. Women don't like to be limited in what they can do and we also don't like to be regarded in less significant categories. Sometimes when I speak to my male friends about these concerns, I get shut down. I don't blame them because in truth, it's not their reality.

It's no secret that we women share advice and tips amongst ourselves on how to achieve goals and sadly, on how to be safe. For instance, what to be mindful of if we are getting into an Uber or Lyft alone, where not to walk alone at night, how to be aware of the people around us, etc. I'm sure men do all the same but, between a man and a woman, there is only one who is seen as the easier target.

Here is a loaded thought for you, sometimes when men feel a woman can handle things on her own, she becomes a less concern for him, he doesn't get too involved, and he doesn't offer much comfort...does this make him admirable or should he always express some type of support?

Even doing simple routines like going to the gym can ward off women. Two years ago I did not renew my gym membership because more times than not, a man would try to drum up conversations with me while I was in the middle of a workout, wanting to know about my life and ease in some type of way to ask me to dinner. I got more annoyed every time. It was a 24 hour gym and I never went at night. I'm not saying you cannot find meaningful relationships at the gym, but that isn't why I signed up for one. It is not much different when I dine alone or head to get cocktails on my own. I learned most men do not read body language all too well, whether they don't want to feel rejected or they are just oblivious. And sometimes we are called names when we don't show equal interest in a man. I'm also not saying that all men have ulterior motives, but as a woman we can never be too sure.

Sometimes I get so disgusted with the male race that I do not understand the purpose of being attracted to them other than to procreate and open a jar. They don't listen to us, they gaslight us, they call us crazy, they turn their backs on us, they confuse us, they take us for granted, they underplay our value, they lie to us, they put us against other women, and sometimes they hurt us. When Lizzo sang, "I got boy problems, that's the human in me" -- pretty sure every woman felt that line for every reason, good, bad, and in between.

On a more dim angle of this topic, you will most likely lose count on how many times you have seen news reports of women being mistreated, attacked, disappearing, and worse. Several years ago, I read a college student was getting groceries at night and while walking to her car she was abducted. Luckily she was able to be saved but imagine the thoughts going through her mind during that time and how she may be traumatized anytime she is somewhere by herself. Another report I read was about a mother of three from my hometown who disappeared and still has not been found. How about the many reports of women being attacked while running in a public park. I once overheard a woman telling her friend that she did her jog later in the day and a man she did not know remarked, "This isn't your normal time." -- That's a little scary, huh? It's one thing if someone I've known for a long time knows my routine and the places I frequent but, it's a little odd for a stranger to keep tabs on you. So, for our own safety we can't be predictable and we can't always rely on men to protect us.

Here are some statistics on crimes against women:

• now.org

• ncadv.org

• statusofwomendata.org

Maybe the reason why most of us women overthink is because we've been conditioned to and it bleeds into everything else in our lives -- because our first instinct is to protect ourselves (body, mind, and heart): Am I safe?, Can I trust him?, Am I comfortable with this?, Is this right?, Should I go?, Who should I tell? And maybe the reason some women advocate for other women to succeed is because we know what it means to be a woman. A friend said men are capricious, I think that is only partially accurate and men are not as vocal as women are which may be why they see us as being dramatic or even problematic. I truly believe men could not handle our lives and I would not want to be anything other than a woman.

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Rejuvenate

“We’re fu-ked up all the time and it’s not because we want to be that way, it's because we’re dealt a hand and guess what, we don’t run from it. We deal with it.” - Rihanna Fenty

Do you believe in second chances or even third or fourth chances? With my most recent experience, I just believe in CHANCES. Everyday we wake up is a new chance and yesterday is never coming back. There is no guarantee we wake up tomorrow so what I felt yesterday may not be what I feel today. We are entitled to change our minds as we are granted new days and we deal with what's right now and make it good or make it great.

Sometimes we go through things that force us to realize what we really want and what's really important to us. Sometimes major incidences give us clarity, such as life threatening circumstances that put you in a position to look above it all.

Do you meditate? I've heard meditation brings you to a realm of clarity or better understanding because you are closing your mind to the living world and opening it to something beyond. Some people see themselves in a different version, other people see possibilities of what lies ahead for them. Meditation is like a dream state, it's a personal and different experience for each person. I do not meditate but, I did have some secluded time where my thoughts were in the stars.

I wrote before about dreams (HERE) and the meaning of what you may see in your dreams; how you can have visions or messages relating to you or other people. I always get “visions” when I’m at a crossroads in life or I am struggling with a problem and I’d have dreams that give me hope and eased confusions. Someone said maybe it’s because I am very in-tuned with myself and people around me. Maybe...or maybe we are in a constant time loop and I keep remembering what has already happened? Maybe it's because I read a lot and my mind is conditioned to the unexplainable. Who knows. Over the years, I have become more spiritual but, somewhere down the line, I lost track of that in the midst of losing myself and now I’m in the process of getting back to it with a new set of eyes. I still like my privacy, want to be left alone most of the time, and won’t allow too many people involved in my personal matters but, I'm more willing to open up about my flaws and my willingness to be a better version of me. The last few days/weeks I've had some interesting visions.

One recent dream involved a birthday cake. It’s no where near my birthday. But, dreaming of a birthday cake is a good sign. Birthday cakes represent celebration of a "new year" hence new changes or a fresh start. It may also be good to mention I had this dream a few nights after a huge blow up with someone and that same person was in my dream but we weren't fighting, we were actually laughing and being very friendly with one another. (Dreaming of people has it’s own separate meanings.)

A few nights ago I dreamt of having, ummm…poop in my hair (sorry for any instant visuals). Of course I thought this was a bad message but, my research stated differently...

In summary, dreaming of having poop in your hair is the sign of an important change in your existence. You are going to start a healing procedure in your life by eliminating all the wrong things and feelings. The fecal matter is the disruptive element that you are trying to get rid of from your life and can also suggest that these changes may affect the people around you.

So both dreams represented changes...well, I did say I was starting the process of getting back to my spiritual self, right? I’m not sure how I distinguish what's a simple dream or what a meaningful dream is, but studies say if you remember the dream then it had a message for you. I can’t explain how I know it, I just know when I see something unusual in my dreams, I sense there's something more behind it.

Another dream I had recently was of my friends and family all together, it was like a reunion or a block party but there was no background, it was all white like a blank sky with no weather or color. Everyone was eating and having a good time and I was just sitting there watching everyone and I saw water lilies. If you read my Dream post then you will recall I dreamt of water lilies before when I was dealing something severe. Dreaming of water lilies means you are going though a time of trial but, not to worry because there will be a rebirth, the opportunity to try again. The water lily in a dream represents evolution from a negative starting point to a positive end.

My 2 children are having similar experiences with their dreams. Not too long go I was in a bad car accident. Months before that happened, both my kids at separate times told me they dreamt of me being in an accident. Odd, huh?

But what does this have to do with rejuvenation? Well, it's all connected, what we do, what we feel what we think or dream about is all connected. What is our purpose in this life? Why do we meet the people we meet? Why we have trauma? What does it all mean? There's no true answer, except that you have free will to live how you want. We're all sensitive to the agonies of existence, but that doesn't mean we are required to hold it against ourselves or others. It's not healthy to ignore your troubles but rather try addressing them so they become less of a burden...and then it's easier to let it go.

Sometimes we can't control high intensity situations, we're not always equipped to make rational decisions in the heat of a moment and we may think back and say, “Well…that could have gone differently.” Yet, we can’t harbor on it forever and when we take things too seriously, we can't let go of what may hurt. Pain and disappointment is real, but it doesn't have to stay with you.

Also keep in mind when someone isn’t opening up to you, they are probably dealing with their own struggles that may or may not have to do with you. While I was in my seclusion someone said to me, “Good people with good hearts never fully leave or let go of other good people...sometimes there is a misguidance and it may just take longer to come back around, but when they do, just smile, welcome them and make new great memories.” We cannot treat our personal relationships like a business, although it may be easier, here’s your pink slip, best of luck! No, our personal relationships have different exchanges, so when someone is ready to wipe off the dust, let them do it and maybe offer some help. Keep giving people your kindness.

Tomorrow is never promised, I know this is a cliché saying, but the reality of it is very true. We never know what today brings and if there will be a tomorrow. So here are some things I encourage:

• Take risks, you will make mistakes, you are human

• Be open to love and love hard

• Be passionate about what you want

• Be compassionate to those around you

• Be in the moment and don't fear where it takes you

• Learn to apologize and learn to forgive

• If it's not dangerous to you and others, do it

• Tell people how you feel no matter what they may say back

• Double, triple, quadruple text (lol) - let them know you are still here

• Call that person

• Don’t give up hope

• Be good to people, be better to yourself

Take the day as it is, whether you do nothing, watch a movie by yourself, go out, you make a new acquaintance, you get a surprise visitor, or you just have a long conversation with a loved one, embrace it all. A friend who I’ve known for several years has been asking to cook for me, one of these days I may take him up on the offer, but today, I’m catching up on Me.

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Selfish Acts

I had a difficult time organizing my thoughts on this one. I didn’t want to make anyone feel “selfish” but I also didn’t want to avoid the notion that how we act can affect others.

At different times in our lives we go through transformations, when something changes our way of thinking also impacting our way of living. When we make these changes for ourselves, Is it being selfish?

A friend of many years whom is now engaged (about a year, after 4 years of dating) disclosed to me that he made an act of indiscretion. I didn’t judge him or tell him he was wrong. He did express to me that him and his fiancé have been rocky for a while and when the pandemic hit, things did not get much better for the pair. They seem to have been arguing about the same issues over and over again. When my friend confided in me, I said to him that maybe he needs to see what else is out there, just to be sure this is the person he wants to spend his future with. I wasn’t making those statements to go against his fiancé, but rather I wanted my friend to understand that he doesn’t need to go through the same headaches. I don’t deny that he loves his fiancé, but how healthy is a relationship if you are constantly arguing about the same things? — Sometimes we need to let go of things we’ve gotten used to because we overlook how poorly it’s affecting us. I want my friend to be happy, he deserves it, but I also don’t want him saying Yes to a marriage that may not be healthy for him long term.

Another friend of mine is a bit of a workhorse, long days, longer nights with very few hours of sleep. It’s hard to have conversations with him sometimes and I do most of the talking when we do converse. I can always tell when he is half listening because tiredness takes over his brain and he disengages. Honestly, it pains me to see him so depleted at times, I just want to send him off to a remote island so he can shut down and close his eyes, but knowing him, he’ll fight me on that and refuse to go. I even once told his brother how worried I was about him. I think by default it impairs his communication in his personal life because he doesn’t have the energy and that so many occurrences are happening businesswise that he is unable to equally balance his relationships outside of work. I don’t want to be so bold and say it impairs his judgement, but I’ve seen him not make so great decisions because his awareness was lacking. I’m sure he receives flack here and there from other friends and family members. Yet, in this regard, he is getting more value from his ventures than what is being drained from him, so I can empathize with his want to keep doing what he does. Whether his behaviors are selfish, right or wrong, he has to make that call on himself.

Even in my personal life, I sometimes have to step back and assess if what I am doing is healthy. If my life is being influenced by someone else, if my actions portray good behaviors that I want people to show on to me, if I am being patient enough with people, and if I am really walking a path that will bring me everything I want for myself. I know my pride and my stubbornness interferes with how I act with people. Sometimes when I’m hurt, my pride won’t let me show it nor will it always let me admit when I’m wrong. I do try to make changes where I see fit. And sometimes those changes are disconnecting from people who no longer fit in my good space. You don’t have to keep everyone in your life and it’s not selfish if you cut ties. Some people are not meant to be with you long term, they are only there to show you what you need or don’t need. If you have been reading, then you will recall that earlier this year I walked away from an 8 year friendship because it was giving me more grief than peace. Instead of telling her that her choices were hindering how I think of her and how it was contradicting to what she was showing the world, I just let go. I didn’t give notice of my decision, I just stopped accepting calls and messages. It hurt to do it because she was one of the first friends I made when I relocated and also my best foodie friend, but it was necessary for me to realize what types of friends I want to keep in my life.

It’s not selfish to have standards. You have to set boundaries with friends and family and you definitely have to set boundaries with romantic relationships. It vexes me how some people resort to claiming that being in a meaningful relationship will solve a lot of problems and that you just have to let your guard down…WHY??? Time and time again people will tell me I am in danger of never getting into a serious relationship because I’m too head strong, I’m too smart, I’m too successful, I’m too determined, I’m too independent...blah, blah, blah.

• First of all, what do any of those reasons have anything to do with being in a serious relationship? Because I have focus? Because I take care of myself? Because I don’t want to be a dumb woman? Because I don’t want to pass myself around or waste my time with men who don’t know what they want? This makes me ineligible to be in a meaningful relationship?

  • SIDENOTE: I’ve been back and forth in a small town and one of the acquaintances I made said to me, “All they do out here is just sleep with each other and go on to the next one.” WHAT??!! Yeaaaa, let me continue to keep my standards up and be selfish with myself.

• Secondly, I wouldn’t want to be with a man who is intimated with who I am, who doesn’t match my ambitions, and who doesn’t support my goals. I am not for the weak.

Yes, I agree that people should be willing to open up to one another so they can get closer, but let me remind you, I still stand firm on a the fact that MEN SET THE TONE in relationships, how he approaches a woman, how he courts her, how he continues to show his interest, and how he relays information to her. I’m not about to chase down any man…tf I look like doing that? I make time where I want to and there are people I give grace to and who I am more patient with, but I am still not going to alter my life for anyone who doesn’t meet me at least half way. — Selfish? Okay, I’ll take that.

You should be selfish with yourself, your space, your time, and your energy. YOU are the one who is living YOUR life, you are the one making choices for yourself. You are the one who know you the best. So, if you have to make a decision that may not be understood by others, it’s okay…I mean, don’t be an ass towards people, but definitely do things that are in your best interest.

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Confidence Looks Good On You

Short Set - Leo’A The Label (Sweet Tooth Set)

Low self-esteem is not attractive. Yup, I said it. And there are different levels to low self-esteem. Anytime you make a choice that takes from your happiness, from your peace, or from your self-worth by telling yourself to believe that it will be the best decision when deep down you know something isn’t right, you are displaying a lack of confidence in yourself and with how you think of yourself…and it shows. Before you think I am attacking anyone, let me remind you of my own examples:

1. Did you read about when I Ghosted My Skeleton? - Yeah, that was a form of low self esteem because I did not know my own value to know that who I was involved was not the best for me.

2. The relationship with the father of my children. - I stayed longer than I should have because I felt that there was nothing better for me. I conditioned my mind to thinking that I had to stay with him, to fix our relationship, to forgive and forget, to accept his ways, to give my kids a life with both parents, to fight for something that I thought was worth fighting for. And if you know me now, then you know how WRONG I WAS.

I’ve learned. As far as my relationships with my friends, my boundaries are catered to each individual and how I know them. If any friendship gets to a point where it’s one sided, I digress from it. If I am losing confidence in a friend then I am losing confidence in our relationship and I can no longer enjoy it. It’s best for my mental health to let go (this also is the case for romantic relationships)

Being confident isn’t being arrogant or big-headed, it’s knowing your value and creating boundaries or standards to protect that value.

When you get into a situation where you find yourself changing, not for the better, it’s because you allowed something or someone to cross your personal value lines. It happens to all of us, we try to adjust ourselves to someone's low confidence or little pride — but let’s make it known that insecurity is usually partnered with other concerns such as unwillingness to understand, lack of experience, personal issues within ourselves. Insecurity is a weakness I detest, especially within women who find themselves in relationships they keep questioning or gets uncomfortable when another woman walks in the room — and the thing is, insecurities have to be resolved within the person themselves. It’s one of those things that you have evolve from. (Ladies, if you've not read my message at the bottom of “Extra Income”, I suggest you hop over there really quick and take a look.)

I’m not breaking down any woman, but if we’re being honest here, men seem to get more scrutiny about not being ready to be committed, but WOMEN too have their own flaws with figuring out what they want in relationships. Sometimes people are so scared to be alone that they allow their desperation to decide on their partners and willing to accept less than they deserve.

If you’re uncomfortable with me showing my legs, then you’ve never partied with me. I dress according to the environment I’m going to be in.

We ALL have our insecurities…yes, we do…whether it’s our looks, our financial status, our family dynamics, past traumas that still affect us, decisions we made in private that we don’t want others to know about, whatever it is, we all have something that we are not truly proud of. But we cannot let our insecurities hinder us from being the best version of ourselves, treat people good, and find serenity within our surroundings.

I think the equation for confidence is not only knowing your worth but, also not taking yourself too seriously and becoming offended anytime you feel someone is challenging you (I make jokes about myself all the time.) And comparing yourself to someone is the worst. When you look at someone and you automatically get feelings of insecurity or jealousy by instantly making criticisms about the person, that shows your lack of confidence…and need I say, poor character.

You ever walk into a place and you notice someone who everyone seems to have their attention towards them? The person is laughing, lively, and engaging with everyone. — That’s called confidence. — It doesn’t mean that is person is perfect or that their life is perfect, it just means that this person wants to enjoy themselves and likes for other to enjoy themselves too…it’s the energy that is exuded from confidence, an energy that not everyone possesses. It’s the same when a confident person walks into a room and you feel a shift in energy as if the room got brighter and everyone is a bit more alive.

I cannot really explain it, you either have confidence or you don’t, but it shows either way. It’s not how you look, how you dress, or how much money you have. It’s the way you speak, the way you treat others, the way you carry yourself — it’s a mindset. Remember in my post about My Preference is regards to men? That is a type of confidence I expect for a man I’m involved with to have, not flaky, not unsure, CONFIDENT in who he is and CONFIDENT in me…I can’t have a chump by my side.

You don’t have to be the best person, you just have to appreciate who you are, be comfortable in your skin and not accept others to mishandle you.

MOOD: When you missed the chance, don’t expect another.

Don't Give Everyone Access

😮 After almost 2 years, this is still the most viewed and searched post throughout my entire site. I hope those of you who keep coming back to this is finding something useful within my words.

Don’t feel like reading? Listen instead.

Raya L.

Don't Give Everyone Access

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Let’s talk a moment.

You know you are awesome, right? So let’s agree that not everyone is deserving to be around you. That doesn’t mean shutting people out completely, but rather being aware that there are people who are not for you and just want to take from you…

• Your energy

• Your confidence

• Your hard work

• Your finances

• Your rewards

• YOUR PEACE OF MIND

…without giving anything back in return.

If they can’t meet you where you stand or even come half way, then don’t you dare go all the way for them. We all have an intuition and all of our intuitions tell us when someone is not right for us. Many of us do ignore this because we want to be wanted, we want to be needed, we want to be loved. — That’s the human in us.

Although, we have to accept that sometimes it takes people longer to be the best version of them and maybe they are the best they can be at this time, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully welcome them in your life. People can go through metamorphosis at any age, sometimes more than once. Love and care at a distance. You can still have a good heart and not fall victim to someone else’s demons.

• Years ago a friend and I fell out for reasons that are no longer important, we were at different places in our lives. Later on, this person ended up getting very sick and a mutual friend called me to let me know what was going on. I hopped on the first flight out to see about my sick friend. We didn’t talk about why we stopped speaking to each other, we just carried on and caught up on the missed time and learned about the growth we both went through.

  • We needed to deny access to one another in order create different paths for ourselves and we became better friends after it because we became more willing to listen and understand each other better…and our fall out wasn’t a “be all, end all” we still had an abundance of love for each other. This doesn’t mean all relationships that dissolve will come back together, it just means that sometimes the difference between two people is the distance that needs to be had and what becomes of it afterwards depends on the pivotal points in your life.

I’ve said this many of times before, I want my peace more than I want attention. — I’m so comfortable with myself that I refuse to allow someone to destroy what I’ve created. Or exhaust my warmth to someone who won’t reciprocate my affections.

Many of us get into relationships (platonic or romantic) and make compromises which is expected, but when those compromises start to turn you into someone you don’t recognize, then there is a problem. LOVE is not folding every time just to make a person feel more comfortable, stable, or secure. LOVE is understanding each other’s weakness and helping to make them stronger. If your weakness is an element of insecurity and your partner doesn’t help you overcome that, then you are either misunderstanding who your partner/friend is OR this person is not the partner/friend for you. Yes, sometimes you also have to deny yourself access to people.

Not everyone is capable to travel with you in life. You are not blocking blessings by keeping people out, you are protecting yourself from being drained by someone or people you are unsure of. YES, let them prove they can stand by you and with you. Some people are there temporarily, some are there for the lesson. Then there are some people who need more time to reach you, give them that time, but keep your focus forward. YOU are the decider of your well being. And yes, it’s hard to separate yourself if you are a giver, but you have to grip on to what keeps you at peace. You cannot give if you are depleted. I am meticulous with how much energy I give and to whom I give it to and I change the levels when necessary.

You can interact with many people and still not allow all of them access to the whole you.

• I have at lease 5 different groups of friends, some from my past, some I met in passing, some I frequently see or interact with; all of them know a different part of me, some of them know a different version of me, but only a select few know all of me. — I made it that way.

I love and enjoy ALL of my friends and family, I appreciate that we are not the same. Each of them ignite different pieces of me, but I know all of them cannot, will not, or are not equipped to take the same road as me. It’s no one’s fault. It also wouldn’t be right of me to take (possibly carry) someone on a journey they are not ready for. Therefore, access to me remains selective and limited. I trust what I know about each person in my life…read that again.

Everyone doesn’t deserve access to you.

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The Men We Entertain

Generally, men aren't slow and they can comprehend what you tell them; 

He just doesn't think in the same way you do. You can easily misunderstand his thoughts or over exaggerated his actions to appease your insecurity about him.

We all know, I don't date but, I still come across men who tend to mislead women...sometimes not intentionally.  Some are unaware of the affect they can have on women. Or maybe they are very aware and still don't feel any remorse to heartbreak, especially if they never asked a woman to be his lady.  Again, men do not think like we do, many times they act without thinking and leave us wondering, "What the hell is his doing?!"

Yes, fellas, I am usually hard on you guys but, I can still see the goodness in you...some of you.  Women do attach themselves to someone who they can see a potential future with.  We formulate an imaginary story of our lives together, hey, I never denied that we are crazy; we are. 😊 And we do bend our "limitations" for a man we really like.  We allow certain things that may not sit well with us to continue and cover it up with his sweet words or generous acts.  His simple words and actions help us overlook the concerns we have...yet it still doesn't lead us to a healthy relationship. 

You cannot accept that he has not claimed you as his girlfriend.  You cannot accept that he doesn't call you everyday.  You cannot accept that he doesn't check up on you.  You cannot accept that he doesn't make plans with you.  You cannot accept that he does not do for you in the same capacity that you do for him....BUT, you still hold on to him?

 You go through the process of showing him how good of a woman you are, how caring you can be, how much you consider him, and that you are willing to drop everything to come to his rescue.  Of course he will still allow you to cater to him and he will do what little he has to do to keep you holding on for hope.  He is getting all the benefits of being your boyfriend, without being your boyfriend.

Ladies, why do many of us fall victim to this?  Why are some of us not willing to accept that he doesn't want a girlfriend or more painful to accept that he just doesn't want YOU specifically?  Men have their preferences also.  You can do everything in the world that makes him smile, but if he does not feel that you are not the one, then you have to understand that.  And he can tell you that he doesn't want a relationship, just to spare any insult you may feel if he told you that he's just not that into you...then you see him months later publicly kissy faced with a woman...a woman who is not you.

It's OKAY ladies.  He wasn't the one for you either.  It just took you longer to let it set in.

☝☝☝ This is the problem ladies.

Yes, you should do the best you can for people and maybe do a little more for those you care about but, if you are only doing it in exchange for him to pay more attention to you and drop to his knees with the perfect ring, then it may not turn out they way you planned.  You cannot dictate someone else's future, even when you are mapping out your own.  If you want to do the most for him, okay, then do so but, don't get heartbroken when he doesn't reciprocate your affections into someone he wants to share his life with.

Walk the path you intended for yourself.  One day you'll look over and notice someone walking that same path, and guess what, it won't be a hassle for him to intertwine his journey with yours.

Love is hard. We can't predict it.  We are unaware when it happens and it consumes our logical thinking.  Why do we do it?....because humans are meant to love and be loved.

It's that "be loved" part that is a bit convoluted.  And yet, we still entertain the idea of it because it's one of the greatest emotions to have. 😞😟

Must Read For Women

You cannot make a man want you.  As much as you may like him and try to hide your "crazy" so he takes interest in you, you still CANNOT make him want you if he has no thoughts of wanting you or being serious with you.

When a man likes you, he will make the effort to tell you, show you, because again, he will be the one to pursue and court you.

BUT, ladies hear me out....we also need to identify the man that we may have our eyes on.  Watch how he interacts with other women, are you just another face in the crowd or does he make a special effort to be different towards you?  A man will not change just because you ask him to.  If he has a lot of women lusting over him, that may not stop once you have him but, what should stop is how he addresses the other women.  If you are in his consideration, he will make the right moves to accommodate your heart. 

I have a male friend who I poke fun of because he seems to be the type that loves attention.  I call him a hoe and a floozy all the time.  But, in actuality, whatever he does on his own time is none of my business and he is a single man, so he can behave as single men may do.  As far at the attention element, that is due to the of the type of business he is in, so his behavior towards women may be flirtatious or very friendly but, that is just how he engages with them. Aside from all of that, he's a good guy.

  We cannot be naive about the attention we may receive or overthink his affections or lack there of.  Keep in mind that men who are very driven and focused on their careers/success may not have eyes on any woman because he does not want to give the wrong impression when he knows he cannot offer a woman his full time or attention.

Another male friend of mine falls into this mold.  I barley can get him on the phone because he is constantly traveling, in and out of meetings, making business deals, etc. And we've talked briefly about relationships and having someone to spend time with but, we are both in the same structure in life where we know we cannot fully offer ourselves to someone just yet...we still have some work to do.

All and all, Ladies, you should never have to chase a man.  If he wants you, he'll come for you.

Introvert

Do you ever hear people say this about themselves? 

There's nothing wrong with enjoying personal time by yourself, but if that is the only time you experience happiness...well, that kind of raises red flags, no?  Let's think on this, it is natural to interact with one another.  Sometimes we feed off people energies and words of advice or criticism from those we associate with, but for someone to claim they rather have little to no association with the outside world can be categorized as 'peculiar'.  As in, not what's wrong with the world...because we all know the world is ahem...f**ked up!...but, what's wrong with YOU that you cannot find enjoyment in being around people or why is it that people do not want to be acquainted with you?  

Now, I know some people are shy and socially awkward but, why would one not want to part take in the vast diversity the world offers when it comes to us crazy humans?  I enjoy my me time but, I also love catching up with friends and meeting new people, and many of my good friends are NOTHING like me, that is the beauty of it.  So all you "loners" need to get out and make some friends!  Otherwise you become this dark, meager, lack-luster person who people worry about or stray away from...we don't want that now do we?