Then What Good Is He?

(Commenting enabled until Fri, 02/11/2022 at 6pm.)

Common Topic Among Women: Why are men flakey? In other words, why are they so into you the first few weeks and then treat you like you didn’t matter the rest of the time?

Here are some of your comments.

1 - “I dated a guy a few years ago and he was great the first month. He would send me cute text messages everyday and make plans with me. He introduced me to his friends and we always had fun when we were together. But then the next month it was like none of that ever happened. I was hurt. I hate when a man make you think he is interested but then turns on you.”

• I think sometimes men are so oblivious to what they do that they don’t realize how damaging they can be because there is always going to be another woman who has yet to know how this man is and she’ll get all the same treatment until something in his mind tells him that he wants something different, but nothing changes except the women.

2 -”I meet guys like this all the time. They chase you and when you give them a chance they fuck it up. You can have everything, the looks, the attitude, the smarts, the money, but they still will find a way to make you feel basic. Men like this are trash.”

• I will continue to say this: BOYS. ARE. STUPID. — I have a son and I already see certain things in him that will frustrate some women.

3 - “Men who get all excited about a women in the beginning and then start to shade her later on are still boys and don’t know what they want especially when they realize the woman is on her shit and won’t put up with the nonsense. I delt with a guy like this and when he started to switch things up on me, I started asking questions and then he started to call me paranoid and told me I don’t know what I’m talking about and he tried to use that against me. THIS IS GASLIGHTING!”

• This is definitely gaslighting. Anytime someone makes you feel crazy for trying to find logic in someone’s actions or behaviors is an act of narcissism and gaslighting.

4 - “Men think that they can discard women and just get a new one whenever they want. The problem is there are so many thirsty women willing to give men what they want and women like us suffer because we have standards.”

• It does seem like when we set a standard that isn’t convenient for men, they kind of slip back into the shadows and make it seem like we are being too much.

5 - “I think when women become too understanding that’s when men take advantage and think they can keep skating by with their bs. If a man isn’t willing to see his ways and know it’s toxic, then he ain’t no good for any woman. They will flirt with every woman and hug on her and make her think he’s a good one but then he acts like he didn’t do anything to give mixed signals.”

• I feel like a lot of men are like this. I think they like attention more than women do at times. It feeds their egos to know women want them and sometimes they act on impulses and don’t think about the woman who really cares about them. Again, BOYS. ARE. STUPID.

6 - “Men pull the ookie doke on women. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They ask a woman what she likes and then he plays the part to get her, but after that they lose interest and go and do it again with someone else.”

• I feel like I know guys like this. They claim to “want to understand you” but then act like they don’t understand you at all. For instance, men who say they don’t mind for a woman to have a social life or hang out with friends, but later makes snide comments about it trying to make her feel bad for being out to doing things without him. Huh?

Here’s the thing, I feel like if you are going to give me great energy in the beginning, then keep it going, otherwise don’t waste my time because all the love I gave you could have been going to someone who is really worthy of it. And it seems like most of you ladies feel the same way. If a man cannot be consistent or treats you like a stranger after a few weeks, then what good is he?

But let me add something else: I have just as many married friends as I do single friends so all connections don’t go sour. Or maybe the married ones just have a certain understanding in their relationship about what is and isn’t accepted. — All healthy relationships have compromise.

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The Gatsby Man

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When you hear the name Gatsby, you probably think about extravagant parties. The story F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote is loosely based on his relationship with his wife, Zelda Fitzgerald. The book is a love story, a sad love story and it is one of my favorites. Jay Gatsby is a fictional character, he is an idea, but it is the realism of a man who will do anything when he is in love — at least I think that is what the author was trying to convey. A man in love may not do the same things as Gatsby did to win back Daisy, but a man may do irrational things to prove to a woman how much he admires her. There is something thrilling about that.

Naked Wardrobe: Search “A Real Catch”

A friend recently said to me, “Raya. I don’t think you’ve ever been in love. You may have loved people and you know what love is, but you never been in love.” — To which I gracefully nodded. Being in love warps your thinking, it’s similar to being in lust which also has you doing things you would not normally do, but when you are in love, you do things that change the long term effects of your life. For instance, Gatsby created businesses and bought a huge house with housekeepers and servants just to prove to Daisy he can give her everything she needs. He spent years making enough money and kept track of her to one day get the chance to convince her to be with him. Does that sound crazy? And is it crazy if you are in love?

Yes, I’ve done things I’ve never done or normally would not do for men I have been involved with, but the list was short. And each man did not get all the same benefits. For instance, I gave my ex children, I didn’t give anyone else kids (but that is more logical reasoning than anything else). Another man I knew worked late hours and he would call on his way home just to talk. I’d be sleeping most of the time, but I kept my ringer on so I wouldn’t miss his call. I’ve not done that with anyone else. You see, I don’t believe everyone is the same because everyone isn't the same, hence not every man is the same. And ladies, do we agree that each man we’ve been involved with has brought out something different in us that the other man has not done before?

But what if Gatsby wasn't Gatsby? What if he was an average man, with an average living wage? Or less? What would this kind of man do to gain the love of his sweetheart? I think he’d be more creative. I think he’d pay more attention to what she likes and find a way to make her smile without superficial objects. Gatsby could afford anything Daisy wanted and with Daisy being the character that she is in the book, she validated luxury with love. I think I would rather someone listen to my interests and surprise me with what he comes up with.

My friends and I talked about love languages recently. There are 5 of them:

1. Words of Affirmation: Saying words of encouragement, support, and confirmation.

   • This is the language I speak the most. I believe saying good things to people goes a long way. *One of the main attributes that I'm aware of within myself is that I can be great with words or I can be vicious with words and that is because my intellect extends beyond spoken language. I read people.

2. Gifts: Giving little or big presents to someone, depending on the person's likes.

   • I like giving gifts that relate to the person in some way. I feel like it’s confirmation of what I’ve noticed about them and I appreciate people who do the same for me.

3. Physical Touch: Hugs, cuddling, holding hands, etc.

   • I am really not an affectionate person, but when I really like someone, I’m more willing to show and receive physical affection.

4. Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention.

   • This probably the one I cherish most. When someone chooses to spend their time with me and we just enjoy each other's company it means the world to me.

5. Acts of Service: Doing nice things for someone.

   • The is another one I hold high regards for. I love it when someone does little things that help make my day go by easier.

I believe I speak all these languages and I’d want all these languages spoken to me. So the Gatsby type of man is not the ideal man, he’s a fantasy, a void, a romantic idea, a superficial feeling. I don't want a Gatsby, I want a partner. A partner in compassion, a partner in consideration, a partner in understanding, a partner in love.

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Worth The Fight

(Comments enabled until Sunday Jan. 16th, 6pm.)

This first paragraph has nothing to do with the topic, but it is not enough for me to create a separate post about it. — You know what I learned recently? Being a free spirit can be also considered as being hoe or participating in hoe-like activities. Huh? When did this happen? I bring this up because one of the things I want to do differently is to say “Yes” more, not to anything that jeopardizes my health or my values, but saying yes to new experiences (this may be hard to do right now since I spend much of my time studying and working and I’m inside by or before 8pm and asleep by 10pm. Lol, I told you my personal life is not that exciting, it’s all emails, deadlines, books, writing, editing, and online shopping 😁). The idea of saying Yes more is similar to being a free spirit which is now apparently a vague term, it can mean so many things. It still mainly means being fun loving, right? But what’s fun for one person may not be fun for the next, so I guess the definition is unique to each person. I am still going to stay grounded; I can make mistakes, I just can’t make major ones that drastically change the dynamics of my life. So hopefully saying yes to things doesn’t land me on the questionable line between right and wrong.

Moving on: I told you previously that I would ask this question…

At what point do you decide the person you are fighting with is the person worth fighting for?

So we talked about make up sex recently and other things pertaining romantic relationships, I still cannot get over some of your messages and I completely appreciate your openness to share it with me. I don’t know if I can be so comfortable being very open talking about my…ummm… “Oochie Wally” 👀 with people who are not touching my…ehem…“Oochie Wally” 🤐. But thinking beyond the physical yearning for someone, the mental yearning is just as strong, Yes?

With the stories and scenarios you guys shared with me, it made me think about what makes a functional relationship and what makes a person hold on when things are difficult? Aside from that, what makes a person worth telling people “Yeah, I'm talking to someone.”? Because there are so many opportunities to do anything with anyone these days and I just can’t get on board with it. I’m practical with how fluid people are with each other these days but, I’m traditional in wanting someone to protect what we share together. And trust me, if you're having sex with someone, the relationship is beyond what you think or say it is. So don’t downplay it or hide it, because at that point you’re just trying to challenge people's intelligence.

Relationships are a risk, aren’t they? You are making adjustments in your life to fit this person in. You are compromising, you are thinking of not just you anymore. How and when do you know it’s worth it?

Misguided: Search “Plisse Long Shirt”

I don’t know if I can properly answer the any of these questions. When I fought with my ex I fought for loyalty and respect to our home and family. In hindsight I think the only times I was fighting for Him was when we first got together. - When I genuinely wanted to be around him, hear him, touch him, smell him. We were very young and I had different goals then, my mind was not the same. As time when on, we grew to want different things, the fighting became normal and my opinions about him changed…Yes, I can admit I changed. But isn’t that what we all do eventually? Especially when we want something different.

One of you made a comment that maybe the reason I refuse to stay over a man’s house is because I’ve not met anyone I wanted to spend my nights and mornings with. That comment sat with me for a while, maybe you’re right. Someone else said that a man who really cares about you will keep updated on you and sometimes support you in silence because he waiting for the right time to be everything you need him to be. That sounds good, but I don't think men wait very long. I think if you're not interacting with them frequently, then they don't think much about you. Although, it is a nice feeling to know that someone is thinking about you.

So how do I decide if someone is worth the hassle? What is the checklist or criteria for someone to still get the best of me especially when they pull out the worst in me? No relationship is simple. My best friends and I have even had our fallouts. I’ve had fallouts with family too. I just can’t always go along with something I don't fully agree with and that’s where the conflict begins. I don’t like conflict, but I’m not afraid to be heard either and I don’t like being mistaken for soft, because when I speak out, then narrative about me changes and I’m not longer soft, instead I’m a problem, even though you’ve been benefiting from my “softness” and took it for granted. What sense does that make? It’s the same story every man spins when a woman is upset and a man doesn’t acknowledge the part he played. One of my girlfriends just had a blow up with her guy and the first thing out of his mouth was telling people she was being “crazy”. Oh, okay sir, you obviously have low emotional intelligence. It takes at least two people to create a problem and neither are 100% right.

So what is the answer here? Who is and isn't worth it? I guess it will be different for everyone; what feelings are still there, what experiences were shared, what are the challenges, can it be fixed, etc. With my friends and family, anytime there was an argument, we’d just give each other space and just casually start speaking again, “Want to meet for brunch on Saturday?”, “Do you need anything from the store?”, “How was your day?”, “How have you been?”. Every relationship we have is different, although if the same things keep occurring, you have to consider that the common denominator is You. What is it that you keep doing or not doing? And if that is the case, are You worth someone’s fight?

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Recovery 2021

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2021….what can I say. I don’t remember part of you and what I do remember either makes me smile or makes me wonder, WTF?!

If you read any of my previous posts, you have a general idea of what I went through recently, if not, here is a recap: I had some health issues and after I made the decision to get myself better, there were some setbacks with residing side effects.

Recovery is a time you take to rediscover what makes you happy. And since the beginning of November I’ve been doing just that. I may have lost about a few months of this year due to an unfortunate mishap, but the silver lining is that it was only a few months and not a few years and what is lost will either stay lost and it's what’s best or what's lost will be found again and I gain clarity from it. Regardless of the possibilities, I still have to keep living every day knowing how blessed I am.

This is my renewed policy: I am going to joke, I am going to laugh, I am going to smile, I am going to toast, I am going to dress, I am doing to dance, and I am going to enjoy every moment I have.

AND, I am no longer going to feel bad for being forgiving, understanding, compassionate, and overwilling to make others feel comfortable. But, I am going to be very strict with my goals and my standards. There is something I want to accomplished in the next 4-5 years and even through the fun, I’m not going to allow any distractions. And If I see or witness something I don’t like, I’m not waiting for any explanations, I’m just going to move around it.

I am in full VIXEN mode….an untouchable vixen…who who builds, manages, and maintains her own conglomerate. If anyone cannot take the pressure, find the exit.

I’m a great person, that will never change. It’s my core. I love people. I protect people. But I am going to start taking myself away from people who don’t appreciate all that I am. I don’t plan on hurting anyone’s feelings or pride, but I’m not going to hurt myself either.

2021 may have erased some things, but it reminded me of a lot. So no matter what this new year brings, I am going to be all of me and then some. Of course no one can guarantee that it will be smooth sailing, life never worked that way, but shit, I’m still going to ride that boat through all the rough waves and storms. And any gentleman who wants to pursue me will need to be just that a gentleman…with a little edge. — And who isn’t afraid of me, who isn’t afraid to say it, who isn’t afraid to show it and who wants to build millions with me.

Where I want to be is with and around people who have the same gumption, discipline, and energy. Agree to disagree. — If something doesn’t work then restrategize, restructure, and refocus, but don’t run away and definitely don’t give up.

This is my affirmation. This is what I am putting out into the universe. And with this last week of 2021, I’m not doing anything too extravagant or over the top. I'm going to do my daily routines, head to my favorite coffee shop in the mornings and see some of my favorite bartenders in the evenings where some of the locals know me and usually drum up a little conversation with me. And before 10pm, I’ll be back in my little space, making myself a little snack and taking the night down with some tv. I don’t want to be out all hours of the night, I don’t want to go to any “hot spots”, I don’t want to be in any loud or overly crowded spaces. I’m a social person but I am not a social butterfly if that makes sense, in other words, I’m not a basic woman, but I do appreciate simplicity.

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I Like When He...(NSFW)

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*That’s probably because people mistaken us for soft because we love so much.

The Submissive (NSFW)

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Intimacy (NSFW)

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When he knows I’m being a lot but, he won’t let anyone else handle me.

Set The Tone

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I’ve had this website for a long time now. It started off on Blogger in 2008 and has changed names a few times since then (IamRayaL, TheStyledMa, and currently, LoveRaya). Over the years, I have shared style tips, recipes, experiences, and learned how to monetize this site. These days I share my thoughts on life topics that include family, relationships, business, and finance. It’s also like leaving breadcrumbs so I remember what I used to do and how I used to think before becoming who I am today. With these last few weeks, remembering things (major and minor in the last few months) has been a little difficult for me to do.

I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to my readers…especially when you notice my absence from time to time. My faithful readers know that I value my privacy and only share but so much with the public.

I use Squarespace as my website host and one of the benefits is I get certain analytics and reports on the traffic on my website, what people search for, keywords, and what the most popular content is. I don’t know if my visitors are men or women or any of their background details unless I do an advanced research (that’s too much) but interestingly, the most popular content in the last 60 days have been 2 posts:

• Don’t Give Everyone Access (published Jul. 2020)

  • I talk about being exclusive and how everyone does not deserve to be around you and being aware of people who are takers.

  • It’s not selfish to want to be alone or to not want to talk about certain things with certain people.

• Men Set The Tone (published Oct. 2018)

  • I talk about how women set our standards on what we accept from a man, but a man still is the one who sets the tone in a relationship and how it will continue. The tone he sets may be influenced by the woman, influenced by his family or friends, or the tone is just his own preferences. I read somewhere that love is a chemical reaction that comes and goes, the challenge is being disciplined enough to not hurt someone when the feeling goes or reminding yourself that losing the person will hurt you just as much.

  • The emails I’ve gotten about this post reveals that no one disagrees with this logic….So fellas, you decide what type of leadership you are going to show a woman.

  • Speaking for myself, I love when a man is clear on what he wants with me and doesn’t confuse it with conversations or behaviors that contradict what he wants. He doesn’t treat me as one of his many options, he treats me as the reason. I cannot stand for a man who will not answer a direct question and leaves it open for interpretation. This tells me that he’s putting me aside to see what else is available and if he can’t find better, he’ll come back around. — Nah playboy, just keep going and take that bs elsewhere.

  • I also love for a man to take control in a way that's protective and not demeaning in the sense that he cares about me, wants the best for me, wants me to be better, and will keep me safe. Or if we are meeting at the restaurant and he gets there first or I’m running behind and he goes ahead and orders for me because he knows I'm not a picky eater. He also orders my drink because he knows what I like or wants me to try something different…yeah, that's the type of “Take Control” I like.

With both posts, the main thought is that no one can take your value from you unless you allow them to. It’s a cliché thought, but it’s absolutely true. You cannot depend on someone else to make you feel whole no matter how much you care for a person and want to hold on to them. You have to hold on to you and set your own parameters with everyone in your life.

Don’t be mistaken, I am not void of men problems or letting my emotions get the best of me. My issue in any of those types of situations is that I thought too highly of a person, higher than I thought of myself and it backfired. The reality is you will never know what someone is thinking or truly feeling and you cannot always go off of actions because those can change too. With every new experience we go through, there is a new perspective we gain and with the new perspective it can change what we do, what we say, and how to act around others.

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For Laughs

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Accepting the People

Learning to accept someone for who they are isn't always easy because we innately feel everyone should share the same views we do, hence the war between Vaccers and Anti-Vaccers.

I lost a friend to addiction recently. We weren't close but we were friends and he was always very uplifting anytime I spoke with him. I didn't accept his addiction, but I accepted he had a flaw that I couldn't begin to understand or even have the knowledge to battle against. So anytime we talked I made it a point to discuss all the good things he had going on in his life.

Another friend who I am closer to is a bit of an a--hole and he'll even say the same about himself. He is a very loud, can be overbearing, and a bit rude...he's just very lively. We've known each other since we were kids and he's been the same, so this is part of his personality. I don't speak to him often, but I know if I ever talk to him about a problem I am having he's not going to water anything down for me no matter how long we've known each other. -- To the point where he will hurt my feelings to get something through to me. I've learned to accept who he is because I realized he is someone who isn't going to bullsh-t you. And whether his views are right or wrong, he's still going to tell you what he thinks is best for you. But he has also given me grace; he hated my ex, thought I was too good for him, didn't understand why I was with him, but out of respect of me and my kids, he kept most of his thoughts to himself. He even knew things about my ex that I did not find out until things blew up; he accepted that I was not yet ready to move on to realize I deserved better no matter what he told me, but he continued to be a friend and hear me out, so he's not a complete a--hole.

We befriend people who have back stories that shaped who they are and who they can become. We can encourage people to be better but we can't make anyone do anything. It's the same with those we don't choose, like family and coworkers. We don't always get along with these people, agree with them, or even like to be around them, but we find ways to cooperate with them and accept them. We adjust ourselves to be more reasonable with them, yes?

Think about this, you are hiring someone for a position, the person meets all the criteria, has the experience, strong references, great resume, interviewed very well but, a few years ago this person committed a crime, nothing heinous, but enough to show up on the background check. Do you hold that crime against the person and move on to the next applicant? Does that crime define the person? Same question, different perspective, Do you hold someone's flaws against them when you have evidence they are more than what their faults are? There are people who are "once in lifetime people" and those people aren't perfect but what makes them stand out is the experiences you have with them that you can't duplicate with anyone else because it won't be the same.

Side Story: I interviewed an applicant similar to the one I described above who had an assault charge on his background, I asked him if he wanted to explain the matters of the crime and he revealed that he was protecting his sister from an abusive boyfriend, the boyfriend pressed charges. This could have been a made up story but, I hired him anyway. He is still one of my best employees today.

How do you define a good person? Caring, supportive, understanding, empathetic? Everyone is a good person but everyone is also not. And not to get religious but a sin is a sin, there is not one sin that is worse than the other in the eyes of the All Mighty, it is still claimed a sin. Each one of us carries characteristics that make us not so great, it's how we make others feel that defines our goodness. Going by motivational quotes don't make us good people. They tend to be self-serving and we gravitate to them when we are going through bouts of stress, confusion, or frustration. Many of the generic quotes are contradicting. For instance, there are several versions of the saying. "If it's meant to be, it will be" then there's the thought, "If you want it, go get it. Don't let anything stop you." But no matter the saying, the purpose of those quotes are designed to make us feel better.

In some cases these sayings can help us through our darkest moments, in other incidences, maybe we should stop looking to motivational quotes to justify our behaviors and just own up to what we did and handle the matter.

We are all individual people and I believe different people bring out different versions of ourselves. Our personality is who we are but our attitudes depend on who others are. Get it? Could I sit in the same room with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I have a conversation with someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. Could I still care about someone who has hurt me or lied to me? Yes. In time I can learn to accept anyone and all their faults but in accepting them I'm also putting up boundaries and restricting the type of communication I have with a person. I don't necessarily believe in cutting people off, I feel like there is an underlining heartlessness in doing that, although I have done it to people the past, I now believe in limiting what I do and say with them. It's a discipline.

You choose what to accept and what not to accept. It is your discretion in life. With people, you have to decide not who they are, but how you are with them.

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That's Just Love

We all have our own definitions for Love and the ways we love people all depends on the type of relationship we have with them. Love is a strong emotion. We love people for different reasons; family, friends, significant others. Love is also a weird emotion, some people are very passionate about it while others are a bit lackadaisical.

The way I love my siblings is not the same as I love my father, and the way I love my kids is not the same as I love my siblings, and the way I may love a significant other is not the same as I may love my friends. We have a different obligation to each person we foster in our lives and we have to balance our emotions accordingly. We can love many people but, not treat them all the same. Think about it, everyone you care about, you have a different way of speaking to them and behaving towards them, yes?

Any why is it some people treat the ones they care about poorly? Is it because they feel that person will never walk away? — I don’t think anyone should be that sure. Or why would you treat someone who you know cares about you badly? I think sometimes people run from those who care because it challenges them to vulnerable too and people are afraid to be vulnerable…because they fear disappointment and heartbreak. Although isn’t the greatest reward the after affects of a great risk? All is fair in love and war. Even if just for a short period of time, when you love someone, in those moments you felt the best feelings; a euphoria. And what’s that saying?

"It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

I noticed when women love people, we act like mothers, “How are you? How was your day? Did you eat? Are your hungry? They weather will be bad, stay dry. Be safe on the road. Call me when you get home. Are you sure that’s safe? Do you really want to do that?…etc.” I think it’s the inept nurturing quality most women have when we care dearly for someone. With men…well, you all are a bit of a mix bag of honor, dominance, gentleman, and bitch.

What I never could understand is in regards to relationships, do you ever see people who are constantly in and out of them? I always think, How can you love someone so quickly, stop loving them and then love someone new in such a short period of time? I’m sorry, but I cannot move on that fast, it took me a little over a year to get back to myself after splitting with my children’s father. I guess I don’t love or fall out of love very easily. — That may be one of my flaws, but at least I’m willing to take some risks no matter how it turns out. There is a saying that if two people split and still remain cordial, they either never loved each other or they still do…that’s a bit of a fine line. Yet, how do you have a friendship after parting ways with someone who you shared plans of a future with? — I guess that’s why people are quick love someone new; so they can forget who they loved before. (???)

As I am more identifying what I like, I think it is best to say that I love traits and characteristics of people and only just like or tolerate the rest of their qualities. And what I love about them may drown out what I don’t like about them.

Generally, what I love in all people are:

• Compassion/empathy

• Thoughtfulness

• Humor

• Humility

• Dressing well

• Great work ethics

• Organization

• Good communication skills

• Not taking offense to my smart-ass remarks

What I love in a significant other:

• Being protective

• Willingness to understand

• Not talking about our personal woes to others

• Doesn’t allow others to speak harshly about me

• Affectionate and Playful

• Being flirtatious, not matter how long we’ve know each other

• Maintaining eye contact

• Answers every part of my messages

• Knowing how to calm me down without telling me to calm down

• Not giving someone else the same attention

• Dominant but also gentle

• Checking on me whether I am in the same room, a different place, or a separate state

• Remembering the little things

• Says “Hey beautiful” when he sees me

• Head kisses

• Proud to have me and knowing I only want him

One specific thing I find really attractive is when a man is so confident in me that if we're in a public place and we arrived separately, other men are talking to me and giving me attention, but at the end of the night, he walks up to me and says, “C'mon, let's go.” and he reaches for my hand because he has no doubt I’ll leave with him. — This has only ever happened once with a past lover and I've never forgotten about it.

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A Woman’s Insecurity

We're always so quick to categorize a woman as moving too fast, being too clingy, being paranoid or crazy when she falls for a man and starts to assume he is up to no good when he becomes distant or shows signs of concern. However a man and woman are involved whether serious, casual, courting or otherwise, it is a form of relationship between the two. So let's take a look at another perspective before writing off a woman as being ‘extra’.

When a woman likes a man or even loves him, she thinks the most of him. She wants to spend any available time with him, talk to him, be with him, etc. Her emotions have linked to him. She thinks the world of him and has passion for him. So why do men confuse this with being “too much”?

When you were a kid and had a favorite toy, did you not get upset when someone else wanted to play with it? And when your parents told you to share, did you really want to? No. Because you didn’t want someone else to ruin or break your precious toy, something that you loved and valued. You didn’t want that taken away from you — that feeling of happiness, safety, and relaxation of something you were fond of. We have those same feelings for people.

So when a woman feels something for a man, her thoughts may resemble... "If I think he's great then someone else will also think he's great." and then they think, “What if he rather be with that someone else? What if he rather explore possibilities with her?”

Us women get on high alert anytime we feel something is off or has changed about a man. It can be the slightest gesture, the way you speak to us, the way you touch us, the things you say, how you say them — We notice. And so many thoughts run through our minds because again, are you pulling away because your thoughts are with someone else?

• I haven’t heard from him in a few days, is he talking to someone else?

• He hasn't asked to see me, is he not interested in me anymore?

• He's been very short with me lately, does he no longer care?

• We just had an argument, is he going to find comfort with another woman?

Yes, many times we think the reason for any slight changes is because a man has started getting close with someone other than us. But men should take some accountability in this too. When a man feels that he shouldn't have to address anything a woman may be feeling, it feeds into the problem instead of making it better. Why would you let a woman you care about think that you don't care? What sense does that make?

Women like to feel special, like no other woman can be her and no other woman can take her place in a man's heart. Does it mean he can't look at another woman or interact with other women? No. It just means he doesn’t let another woman feel like she can replace the one who's already there.

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The Perfect Man

What if you could build the perfect man?

Someone just for you. Someone who still calls you even when you are upset with each other, someone who asks if you’ve already eaten, someone who tells you he misses you, someone who compliments you in the mornings, someone who really wants to know about your day and engages in the dialogue. Wouldn’t that be great?

I don’t have much experience with relationships. There is the father of my children, before him was a man I was infatuated with and completely wrong for me, and recently, a man who I’m still figuring out. Of course there were some casual connections in between the three, some could have been more but, didn’t make lasting impressions.

In each experience with a man, there was at least one thing I loved/love about each of them. Let’s start with the man who was completely wrong for me. He was a great “hype man”. I never looked bad to him and he let me know it. He’d always compliment me, what I wore, how my hair looked, things I said, activities I did — he was a the best encourager. Always telling me to go for more. He also didn't like for other men to get too close to me, I didn't consider this being jealous because he didn’t get mad at me for it but, he wasn't shy to let other people know not to cross the line with me. And on the same accord, he didn’t display any inappropriate behavior with other women in front of me.

Next, the father of my two children (this is the most relationship experience I had with any man.) When we weren’t arguing he was very affectionate, always hugging me and kissing me. In public he toned it down but, he always would find a way to touch me. Before we got serious, I took a trip 4 hours away with my friend, it didn’t go as planned and he drove to come get me, he was dependable during our early courtship. And this may sound toxic and it most likely is but, anytime I was upset and said things out of term, he didn’t take offense and shutter away. He’d give me a day or two to cool off and then ask me “What’s up with you?”. *Also, we were both raised in the northeast, so it’s not uncommon that we ‘talk strong’ to each other and women having smart mouths isn’t necessarily considered rude, if you know what I mean. And when I was far along in my pregnancies, he’d come home and cook after working a long day because the understood it was hard for me to move around.

Lastly, the current man, not identified as a relationship but, above a friendship with lover’s activities and quarrels. We have fun conversations. We say silly things to each other and sometimes sit around and we hold deeper discussions. Also, I’m not sure if he has noticed but, there have been times where he’s shown me some of his vulnerabilities and with the type of man I know him to be, that does not happen often. I truly appreciate when he does listen to some things that I mention and makes adjustments for me. He’s also gentle when I need him to be and kisses my forehead when hugging me.

If I could pull apart the best pieces in all of these men and create one, that’d be amazing, but life doesn’t work that way and I’d have a false sense of myself if I believed there were parts of me that aren't better than others. You see, the idea of being created for someone, a soulmate, or an only love is such a fallacy. We connect with people for different reasons and purposes and we have to understand that those reasons and purposes can change. If two people can be involved and grow together without growing apart, that is a gift, a blessing. Accept that no great relationship isn’t without its hurdles. A couple who doesn’t argue is a couple with dark secrets or a couple who lacks passion and interest. Getting along is one thing but, never getting into a debate about your own thoughts and feelings would be amiss. Sometimes the best laughs come after the tears.

The perfect man is a man who sees all that you are and still wants to know more and isn’t afraid to love you.

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The Older Man

Let's ponder on this for a moment (text image). So, I'm at an age where being involved with someone 15+ years isn't much of an eyebrow raiser considering my experiences and where I'm currently at in life. (I did another post about age gaps: She’s Too Young For You, Bro.)

Yes, it's been proven that girls mature faster than boys so it's innate that we look to date older but, we all should understand that girls still go through different mental stages and dating someone too old could be a sign of other issues or personal intentions.

At 15, a girl is high-school aged and still experiencing adolescents , would it be wise for a man in his 20’s to be involved with a girl this age? Well, to be objective, most men in their 20’s are in a black whole of confusions themselves. At 25, a woman may be going through the notions of adult scenarios and learning her identity. A man in his mid to late 40s finding interest in a woman that age is a bit questionable, wouldn't you say? Just as questionable as the man in is 20’s interested in a girl in her teens?

So what about these men who date extremely younger? Dating young enough that a girl could be his daughter, if he started having kids in his 20s.

Most of my guy friends have said that 20 year old’s are fun but, nothing substantial enough to keep their attention to becoming something more serious. When I asked why that is, the general response was that women in their 20s have a different focus, different goals, and different views on life, they are still innocent in the sense they are just beginning their adult years and have so many things to still learn before reaching the capacity of a man who may be 15-20 years older than her. These young ladies may be smart and sophisticated but, they are mentally not prepared for what a older man comes with.

*The type of older man I'm referring to is a well established man, either with a high title with his company, manages/owns a business, possibly has children, has had long term relationships previously, has a house, 401K/IRA, etc. — I'm not talking about men who are "still trying to get on the right path in life".

Yet, it's not taboo that we see successful men with such young women and sometimes I think the following:

• What types of conversations do they have?

• Does he work a lot so they really don't spend that much time together?

• How do they tolerate each other’s generational differences?

• Is she just a trophy to show off to everyone?

• Was she in a bad situation and he was just trying to help her but, ended up getting too involved?

Or maybe these men are mentally in their 20’s still with a fear of getting "old" and they date younger women to help ease their reality. Maybe these types of men are going through an identity crisis?

But let's not leave out the young ladies who are willing to do almost anything to be involved with a successful man because they see security...they'll be taken care of financially, live a comfortable life, and have the honor of telling people about the man they're sleeping with. — And because of this, the older man may be more vulnerable to a young woman's advances.

It's hard to say why men and women date who they date. All I know is, if any of my male friends whom are certain ages starts getting serious with women much younger than them...even younger than me, I'm definitely giving them the side eyes and looking at them very differently.

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Gaslighting

In one form or another we probably possess a toxic trait. Mine - Being passive aggressive and condescending when I’m annoyed, initiated or upset.

By definition GASLIGHTING is a technique that undermines your entire perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you often second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you are left feeling dazed and wondering what is wrong with you. It's a form of manipulation.

I’m not sure if I would call it a technique since most people don’t realize when they are doing it because in their minds they are just trying to defend themselves and in the process also being dismissive of someone else's opinions and feelings. It happens more often than we realize and occurs with all types of relationships we harbor. We see it happen most commonly in romantic relationships.

Here's My Thoughts: Don’t get upset because I’m upset. Hear why I’m upset and let's come up with a solution that works for both of us. Don’t tell me I’m overreacting or that I’m being crazy, acknowledge my frustration especially if you want me to acknowledge yours. Talk to me. Don’t push me to the side to let me stew in my own boiling pot of confusion. Don’t think that “I’m supposed to know better.” Apparently, whatever you are doing or continuing to do keeps me feeling the way I do, so if you give me the excuse of “This is just who I am.” that’s just a scapegoat of you not wanting to be challenged to be a better communicator, a better friend, a better lover…a better you.

If we are in a disagreement, we may use aggressive tones or say things out of term. — A little tidbit about myself: If you are going to go off on me no matter what tone you use, know that I talk back. And I’m not afraid of aggression, sometimes that's the only way I’ll listen (another unhealthy characteristic of mine), and if that is how you feel you need to get things across to me, then also know that you will need to coddle me afterwards…

Lamens Terms, “If you're going to talk to me crazy, then you better love on me after.” Don’t leave me alone because then I’m going to think you’ve given up.

I’ve once said, monsters don’t scare me, people do. Which means you can never know what a person is thinking or capable of, whether you are important to them or is it just a phase and they are filling some type of void before moving on. What I don’t like is inconsistency. If there is a lapse in how you speak to me and how to act around me and you’ve not given me any form of explanation, that's when my mind begins to wonder and I’ll start asking questions. If you gaslight me, it only makes matters worse.

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Loyalty

I believe loyalty is a characteristic trait that not everyone possesses, but I also believe it is a habit that can be learned. I’m loyal to a default, not sure if I should consider it a character flaw, bad/good habit or strength. For instance, for many years I was loyal to the father of my children, not only in the sense that I did not get involved with someone else while we were together but also, I didn't talk about our issues to anyone or speak badly about him to anyone. Now, when we were nearing the end of our union, I did reveal why I had enough but, I still did not speak down about him and even now, there many incidences where I don’t speak ill about my ex. Maybe I give more people credit than they deserve but, isn’t that just an act of kindness? Is this a character flaw? Or bad habits I need to break?

I think for some people, when you care deeply or share significant experiences and emotions with a person, you don't want to do or say anything that may hurt them…even if they've hurt you. — Maybe this is being naïve.

Different acts of loyalty can be mental or physical. I consider both to be just as important as the other. Remember how I discussed not giving everyone access to you in several previous posts? Well, part of that is being loyal to yourself and upholding the standards you've set and another part (if applicable) is being loyal to the people or a person you do give special access to.

Friends who have known me for 20+ plus years know they can entrust in me any secrets, express pain, or just vent and nothing they've said to me will be shared. It’s the same with friendships I’ve recently made. It gives me a sense of security and satisfaction knowing people can trust me with certain pieces of themselves or their lives. — Stay quiet when it is necessary and speak when it’s comfortable.

Sadly, there are those who take advantage of a person’s loyal nature because they feel that there's always a chance of forgiveness and redemption. Not always the case and I wouldn't rely too heavily on mishandling people who are always on your side. — There's a limit.

People who are loyal maybe care a little too much about many things for endless reasons. It is a certain barrier of protection you should have for yourself and those you like/love…that's loyalty.

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For those whom are intimately involved with someone, loyalty can have different definitions. Loyal with your words, loyal with your actions. Everyone’s relationship or situationship is set up differently. I don’t believe in dating multiple people…whatever you consider the term “dating” to mean. And there are people who will argue that if you are not in an actual monogamous relationship, there is no reason to behave as if you are or be loyal to that person…here’s my opinion…Whether casual or consciously committed, if I allow you into my bed, that’s it, you are the only one I’m sharing that with and you are the only one who is allowed special/specific treatment from me. It will stay that way until we have a discussion of severing that tie. And lets not forget, there are still such things as STDs, not to mention the possibility of unexpected pregnancies…not me though, y’all be safe 😁 (So, play around with people’s lives if you want to.) I also do not believe in entering someone’s life knowingly being a disruption or not having and practicing good intentions. — If you are going to come into my life and then be regressive, you can exit the same way you entered…bitch be excited about me like you just met me, just kidding, maybe. 😊

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Equal or Special

Let’s talk about this whole equality thing for a moment. I am all for women’s empowerment and rights BUT, I do draw the line with certain topics and I am still aware that the male and female sexes don’t always travel on the same frequencies. Refer back to my previous mention of the female brain HERE.

See the text image as an example…Pink felt violated while using a gender neutral bathroom where Blue stated the misunderstanding of what Equality is and Yellow concurs with Blue…as do I.

Even when “Equal Pay” is discussed, we have to understand market segments in different regions on top of work titles, responsibilities, and cost of living. If the argument is a man and a woman are working for the same company, they have the same position with the same credentials, YES their pay should be equal. But, if you are arguing that a woman working for a private company in Texas with less that 2,000 employees vs. a man working in Alabama for a global company with over 5,000 employees with just a salary, not commission based for either, then the argument is lacking relativity.

But pay is a sensitive topic for most, so let’s move on form that. Do I prefer a women’s only bathroom? Yes. Am I okay with shared bathrooms? Yes, if it is a single stall and sink where there can only be one person at a time. Will I use a gender neutral bathroom? No, but if it is my only option then I may consider it. This isn’t just about bathrooms though, this is about how we as women want to be treated. If I am in a professional setting and having a conversation with men, don’t assume I don’t know about business practices or think that I can only relate to female topics like beauty and retail. Now on the other side of things, if I am in a social setting, I still like for doors to be opened for me. I still like for men to be gentleman and be respectful towards women.

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Here is a more personal example in thinking about Equal vs Special: Ladies, say you are seeing a guy, it’s casual you’re still getting to know each other, you hang out, you may be intimate but, overall you enjoy each other. So here is the question: Even though you two are not a couple, would you be okay if he was casually seeing other women too? My guess would be No for many women because you want to be the “Special” one. I get it. There is this stigma that when a man is playing the field he can still be desired but, if a woman has several suitors she cannot fully be trusted…and I agree BUT, I don’t find it attractive for men to be available to every and any woman. Nor do I think women she be that way either. Just my opinion, I know everyone makes their own decisions with their lives. — If you are single, do what you want but as for me, I like to have discipline and standards (because shit, I know my worth). And if I am seeing a guy who chooses to “do what he wants” then okay, I will remove myself from the scenario, because again, I do not find that attractive nor do I want to feel like I have to compete with other women. If he doesn’t know my value regardless of what title we have, then that is his lack of awareness, not mine. Plus, if someone else has the same access as me to a man, then he can choose to spend any of his availability with that person…if you are speaking to someone the same way you speak to me, if you are talking about the same things, and if you are embracing or hugging someone the same way you do to me, then again, go over there. I don’t want to be anyone's option, I’m worth someone’s reason. So if a man so chooses to give the same effort to someone else, I'm good.

Men and women are not fundamentally or socially equal, let’s be honest about that. Although, does that mean one sex should receive more benefits over the other sex? In my perspective, the equality is more about acknowledging that women are more than capable of just baring children and keeping a house clean. Give women the credit of being outspoken, contributing to society and businesses, obtaining their own success, and being able to lead similar lives to men. If I really think about it, I probably more prefer to be treated special than equal, and just be mindful of how fair you are to me as a woman.

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You're Just Stubborn

Have you ever been in a argument and you know your stance is valid but, you are also practical enough to understand that the other person’s stance is just a valid but, you still want to keep going with your opinions?….Yeah, same.

For my astrology people (I do not follow or study astrology that much so correct me in the comments section if I'm wrong about anything), I am a Taurus, an earth sign ruled by Venus; Goddess of love and beauty, likes the finer things in life, nurturing, dependable, grounded, loyal, hardworking, dedicated. I was also born in the Oxen year of the Lunar calendar which has similar characteristics traits. I’ve been told I am the most stubborn mix of all signs…a Bull and an Ox. Well, the other most hard-headed sign is Scorpios who’s presiding planet is Mars which in mythology is the God of war (funny how we connect a Scorpion with war), so these people are considered to have bad tempers and can be secretive and resentful but, it's also said they're known for their passion and loyalty and will fight for what they feel strongly about. Scorpio is also water sign so they go hand in hand with Taurus being an Earth sign and can really thrive with each other if their visions are similar or they could deplete each other…earth drying out water or water sinking earth. So help us all if I get involved with a Scorpio, it will either be WWIII or we’re building conglomerates together.

Anyway, when I hear someone call me stubborn I rather think I’m just very headstrong on what I believe and what I want…even if I’m wrong. It may take me some time to think about that the other person is feeling but, in the moment of a dispute, I can only hear my thoughts. Men are so quick to call us crazy or unstable when we are in midst of an argument but, never want to evaluate their contributions to an issue. Why is that?

Let’s first understand the female brain. There was a book published that also became a movie called, “The Female Bain” which points out that although woman’s brains are smaller, they still have the same number of brain cells as men, just in a more compact space. This was only discovered in 1995. So of course how we compartmentalize thoughts, release endorphins, cortisol, dopamine is vastly different than men.

For instance, when under stress, women like to plan and execute order, we put things where they should be and where they make sense, we organize what we can control. - This can be considered being a neat freak, micromanaging, or having OCD when really we just want some type of order in our lives. Let’s couple this with the fact that throughout history, more “socially accepted” women did better in life which is equivalent to men being successful by being aggressive and competitive. So what that translates to is women being required to be groomed, appealing, attractive, well spoken, sociable, understanding, forgiving, nurturing, and whatever the fck else history has wanted us to be, but men just have to show up and assert dominance.

BUT, when women go against any of those “expectations” mentioned above, we are called stubborn. Do you kind of see where I’m going with this? Maybe it is not me being stubborn, maybe it is the man who wants me to conform to his conveniences because it is easier for him that I comply instead of him setting aside ego and pride to compromise because compromising means to fold and folding to a woman is…unmanly. — Yeah…fck that shit. I will continue to be called stubborn because I’m not going to just say “Yes” to everything a man tells me, especially since I’ve done so much without a male counterpart, so if I have a man in my life, it’s because I want him, not because I need him.

Yet, in all fairness, there is a level of maturity and reasoning needed to be able to be in disagreement with someone and not have it become a damaging toll on how you view or feel about the person. — Then again, learning someone else’s stance on a topic can persuade and determine how close you continue to be with said person.

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So, here a little funny snippet of a text between someone and I. We were going back and forth throughout the day about something really minor and unnecessary but, since we are both the way we are it became something else. Eventually, it died down because I think we both realized how ridiculous it was to be disputing about this particular topic. — Honestly, all of our other minor disputes have been the same way where we ended up being very mellowed and back to ourselves afterwards within 24 hours. Anyhow, what was really the tipping point for me was his text (in white)… I immediately laughed, but I also got upset because he was slightly right — only because I felt like he wasn’t getting my point — but I didn’t want him to know he was right so I just sat there biting my lip wanting to respond crudely and trying to evaluate what to say and not making it seem like I needed to have the last word…so I was like “Fck, let me think before I reply right away because then it’ll just prove HIS point.” It was a painful moment for me and I’ll never admit it to him. 😭😆😂

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The Wall

For the most part I prefer for my private life to stay relatively quiet, mainly because I believe that everyone should not be privy to your personal business. Although, I know that we all may face similar situations and sharing the surface details may help others to access their own scenarios.

So let’s talk about this barrier that we put around ourselves to protect us from pain and disappointment. Trust is a personal process and it takes time mixed in with a conscious effort.

The Interest in my life and I have had a few discussions relating to this topic. We seem to always come to an impasse on how we behave or react the way we do towards each other in different scenarios (our communication is good but, it is not always translated how we intend it). I honestly believe we trust what we see in each other but, I also believe there is still much we do not know about each other. We have come down from the high of being reintroduced into one another’s lives again and the reality of us: who we are to each other, where we are, where we want to be, what we are doing, and how much information we want to share with people we know is something we are carefully navigating through. I cannot compare him to anyone else I have been involved with because our origin story was somewhat fortuitous, although I do not want us to revert back into what we were comfortable doing before, I am anticipating this direction to be more substantial. I also do not ask much about his history with previous relationships because I do not want it to linger in the back of my mind. — Ladies and Gentleman, it will drive you crazy trying to piece together who is who, why they stopped seeing each other, how serious they were, what all they did together, how much they loved each other, if they still keep in contact, if they still think of each other, etc. — It is normal to wonder if someone’s history haunts them or if someone might let their history resurface...because then, where does that leave you?

Some people believe that you should know about someone’s past to understand who they are now…well, I partially agree. I am more convinced that you should experience someone’s current state of mind without trying to dig too much into their past or what they are willing to share with you. Be open with who a person is now as opposed to who they may have been before…remember, people do evolve and change.

The Interest and I are openly respectful of each other’s time and space but, there are times I think we probably could be more…eager with one another? Or maybe even more open. Sometimes I feel we can be at a stalemate with definitely wanting to be involved, but not too involved, and not less involved…in the sense of not getting too far ahead of ourselves. There is no doubt that we care very much for one another even when we don't say it. It’s hard to explain our connection without going into details and we all know I'm not going to do that. I think at times we forget that we are also friends and leave out elements that make a friendship a friendship. Describing him is almost like describing myself. There are a few characteristics we share that I cannot be upset with him about because I am the same way for example, I often feel he goes too long without saying anything to me but, I do that too, so how upset can I really get? Although, I also think he uses my nonchalance against me in order to justify his actions sometimes. We both have built our lives to accommodate us individually and managing our own selves to include someone else can be a challenge. Plus, we don’t want to force anything onto one another and cause disruption in each other’s lives. But then you see affirmations that encourage people to be pushed out of their comfort zones in order to achieve something greater for instance there is a saying: To want different, you have to do different.” and you think…Am I or are we being too careful that it’s causing this to be theoretical?

No one wants to be hurt and we too often condition ourselves to think or act in a way to keep people at a safe distance from us. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of joking with him about him being “a man about town”…psychologically, it’s a defense mechanism to prepare myself of…well, I really don’t know actually. I don’t know what I'm afraid of with him. In the past, it was easier for me to avoid and block out anyone who I felt was getting too close to me or if someone was getting too complicated for my comfort…I’d run but, where has that lead me? As confident as I am and as confident as he is, there's still that black hole of doubt and hesitation. I hate that black hole but, it doesn't just go away on its own. — He makes similar comments to me about being a scandalous woman, at times I laugh, other times I do get a little bothered by it because that's not who I am, what I show him, or what I express to him. I am a woman who can be friendly with every man but, not just any man can get close to me or can say that he knows details of my personal attributes. He is very aware that I get attention easily but, I’m never sure if that influences him to think that I don’t place him at high regards. I have a certain tunnel vision when I am interested in someone; I don’t try to fill a void with other suitors, gallivant myself for attention, or rest myself in someone else's arms.

I’m learning things about myself through my experiences with the Interest. I’m learning to be more self aware of my feelings and how I express those feelings. We are both a bit distant by nature so I have to realize when I’m being so distant that I am disconnecting from him. I am also learning to give him grace just as much as I give myself grace because I know how headstrong I can be when I’m stern on a topic. When I think of him, I think he is a man of certain discipline, pride, accountability, maturity — a man who has lived, has aged well, is experienced, and who is now more grounded in life and doesn’t have the patience to entertain lack of substance and miniscule efforts of attention. But then I also think, He’s still a MAN, still capable of being weak to temptations, getting excited over any woman batting her eyes at him, watering down truths, and fully possible of being disappointing. — That’s my wall, remember I said I hate the black hole? Well, here it is. Just being a man sends my mind a wave of caveats. Why?…Well, men and women don't always speak the same language so more times than not, we misunderstand each other, it’s a universal qualm. And the fact that I’m more reasonable than most women creates a concern that my laidback quality could be taken advantage of.

Sidebar: A while ago, a good friend once asked me what it would take for me to think differently of men…or just at least a man. My response, “I just want to be impressed.” - How hard is that? How hard is it to listen to someone’s likes and actually deliver on some of it? Not all the time but, pleasant surprises every now and then to catch me off guard and raise the bar. Because of what I can do for myself, I do not get impressed too easily and most men think, “If she can do it herself, why do I need to do it?” — No fellas, that’s not how you should look at it. Don’t worry about how other people might think of you, worry about how happy you can make her. Showing a woman you care for her is an admirable quality (sorry if women in your past took advantage of that or didn’t appreciate it but, don’t let that keep you from being the best man you can be for someone deserving of your affections). And don’t just be impressive in one category, be impressive in several. Be impressive in your behaviors in what you do around a woman and what you do or don’t do when you’re not around her. — Eh, I guess sometimes simple things are just too simple for simple minds.

The process of incorporating someone into your life isn’t as easy as people make it to be when you are still cautious because there can be a fear of losing yourself or allowing someone to influence too much of your life. It takes quality time, open conversations, and the willingness of revealing yourselves. You cannot expect someone’s guard to magically disappear over night especially if your still holding yours up. If you like one other, you’ll give each other enough grace for deeper admiration and understanding. There can’t be a thought of this is how am and this is how I’m going to stay. I made adjustments in my life in consideration of the Interest, some changes he knows of and some just for principle. — Walls only stay up if you don’t work to break them down.

….and remember Ladies, with anything, If he wanted to, he would.

Know your value to know that you want to be someone's REASON and not somone’s option.

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You Can't Let Life Happen To You

So 2020 is done and the only thing I did differently last year was stayed in more and saw friends less. I still thrived personally, professional, and financially…got another degree, a certification, a raise, etc.

The last quarter of the year was a bit draining, because of the pandemic we had to do things differently and I was swamped with tasks and deadlines so coming into the new year I am a little lethargic and no so enthused 2021.

It got me to thinking of a statement I heard from a colleague as we were discussing an unreliable employee…”You can’t let life happen to you.”

What does this mean? Well, here’s my take…

We all go through life facing different challenges: being a woman, being a single parent, coming from a poor home, not thinking there’s any opportunities beyond what we know, being a black man in America, being black in other foreign countries, being white and misunderstood by your empathy towards other races, being rejected, losing a loved one, loving someone who doesn’t love you back the same, suffering mental health issues, having physical disabilities…the list goes on but, we are either going to allow our experiences to hinder and break us or we are going to allow ourselves to push through the obstacles becoming more educated and build character.

Have you ever noticed some of the best people to converse with are the ones who seem to have many life levels? Their philosophies are usually a resemblance of…”Everything happens for a reason. You just have to make the best of it.” And this is the best thing I can continue to tell people.

There is nothing in the living world that is perfect. As critical as we can be towards others and even towards ourselves, we cannot change everything. The only we can change is our perspective of life and find ways to laugh through the pain without suppressing or avoiding the healing process. Also, sharing our smiles onto others without ego and narcissism.

2021, here’s to you and what we can make of you. Cheers.

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How To Trust

Okay, so let me start by saying: Some of your comments and emails in regards to my last post were ENTERTAINING! You all are crazy and I love it‼ And people who come on here just to see what I'm doing, I love you too!

Many of you asked if I’d ever share specific details about the man I am seeing and the initial answer is, No. I will only share to a certain limit because it’s not only my privacy, it is also his (Oh, but he has said for me to write about our….never mind, I can’t even bring myself to type out the words. How do I even begin to go into details about how he snatched me the first time and how he’s had his way with me every time thereafter….and this is not about to be a Zane novel. 👀)

Other questions you asked were about TRUST:

• “How do you know you can trust him?”

• “How do you allow yourself to trust someone after not being in a relationship for so long?”

• “Don’t you have doubts?”

There is no simple answer I can give, the only thing I can say with confidence is that I know what he is showing me and I know who I am and where I am at in life. 📣 I believe trust has more to do with yourself than the other person; Where are you in life? Are you in a good mental space to welcome someone in with open arms without any disdain, judgment, criticism or ridicule? Over the years, I’ve learned much of who I truly am and I’m comfortable with her. If ________ and I did not reconnect a few months ago, I’d still be living wonderfully. I am fully aware of my value and what I will and will not tolerate. Not to be conceited, but I’m a GREAT person. I’m good to people, I like people to enjoy themselves when they are around me, I work hard, I volunteer, I do the most for my kids, I support my loved ones, and I require time to myself. I am not going to stick around if I sense I am not being appreciated and I am definitely holding him accountable for his behaviors. Here are some examples:

1. One time I met him out, but he had to quickly run an errand right before I arrived. He sent me a text to let me know he had to do something would return as soon as possible (I didn’t see the text a first) and then he called to see if I got the message to make sure I knew what was going on. — As simple as this gesture may have been, it spoke volumes to me. It let me know that he didn’t want me to think that he bailed out or have me upset that he was not there when I arrived.

2. Another time we were out together, we were sitting beside each other and having a very personal conversation as if no one else was around us (there were plenty of people around us). — He'll do this often and tell me things to remind me that he's completely interested in me and how he loves that I'm able to be engulfed with who he is...Yet, in reality, who he is isn’t too far different than who I am. When you do and say things you’re not used to, but it doesn’t feel like it’s changing your core, then it’s because that’s always been part of your personality, it’s just been waiting to be awakened.

3. At least twice he has mentioned to me that if I am ever uncomfortable about something he is doing then he wants me to let him know and he will make adjustments. He wholeheartedly wants me to realize that at the end of the day, it’s just me and him, it’s us and if I say I’m now okay with something then he’ll make changes so that I am okay. — He doesn’t have to be so open with me about this, but he is and I love that.

4. He introduces me to everyone he knows, whether they are friends, associates, or colleagues. — I admire that he acknowledges me in a way that lets me know he actively wants me to be involved in his surroundings and environment.

5. I’m not sure how to explain this one, but sometimes it seems like we’re the same person; either that or he's really paying attention to what I'm saying and paying even more attention to what I'm not saying. — He'll make a comment and it will be exactly what I wanted to hear. Or I'll make a comment and he’ll give me a look with a nod of pure admiration.

   (Sometimes I feel like he comes on here from time to time. I don't mind if he does and if he is I like that he’s low-key taking time to learn about my thoughts and it's pretty clever of him to do. He'll mention something that will be reminiscent of my opinions or humor and I just think to myself, “Is he reading or is it the fact that we kind of do think a like? I won’t ask, I sort of like having that wonder. — I believe there should always be some type of intrigue of mystery between two people, not to be confused with damaging secrecy or lies. Don’t get yourself fcked up and lose a good thing.)

So if the main questions are: Do I trust him? — Yes, I do. Am I taking a big risk? — Well…YAH! Anytime you deal with matters of the heart, you are taking a risk, and with knowing a little of his history it can possibly be a growing experience for both of us and how we manage things. Do I have adverse thoughts in the back of my mind? — Of course I do, there is always that annoying voice that says “But what if he…?” I do not allow those thoughts to consume me and he is not giving me any reason to doubt what he feels about me. No, we can never be certain what someone is thinking, what they are doing when they are not around us, and if what they are telling us is the truth, but what we can be certain of is what we are willing to experience with someone. I'm not just here for the highs, I'm here for the lows too, that’s what we sign up for when we decide on relationships and like I said in my last post: I don’t know where this man is leading me, but I’m letting it happen. So I am open to embarking on this direction with him.

Through people I know, I’ve watched relationships bloom and I've watched many fail. The ones that have been successful are the ones where both people are open to understanding one another, understanding each other’s passions, dreams, values, goals, strengths, dislikes, flaws, pet peeves, and being able to discuss any adversities without holding grudges. ________ and I are still in the beginning stages. We may not be new to each other, but we are learning new things about one another on a different level…it has been interesting.

I will admit a behavior I know I need to work on and that is pushing people away when I'm upset and not talking about what bothers me. I tend to internalize things. Sometimes when I get frustrated, there is a very aggressive side of me that I am not proud of and I resort to using demoralizing phrases with a condescending tone. I don't want to push him away, so I have to make sure I catch myself to keep from causing any unnecessary strain between us, especially since this is the first time in a very long time that I'm allowing someone to get this close to me. I’m sure he has his voids too and I’m sure we'll have our not so great moments, but if we want this, we'll work through any challenges that may face us.

I'll close out with this:

Love isn't just a four letter word that makes you feel warm, excited, happy, and wanted. Love is an action, a choice to act. Whether you are casually dating or in a committed union, it's what your partner does or doesn't do that affects your sentiments towards them.

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*But don't stop giving me L&A. I still love it even if I'm skeptical at times.

*Forgot to add Forehead Kisses and Playing in My Hair.

*Texting him, emailing him, calling him, it’s all the same…lol. I’m sorry kids, Auntie Ray is not your role model!

*Let's skip the children part. I’m not having anymore babies and my kids are not too far from being adults. Plus, I hated that feeling/pain when the milk came in, so many shirts have been ruined! I know all moms understand what I'm talking about. 😫