Man, A Woman's Best Friend

If you caught my first Vlog, lucky you because I took it down in less than 48 hours 🥴. I told you I'm not too comfortable talking on camera. I have a new found appreciation for YouTubers and Podcasters. And thank you to those who mentioned how I can't ever hide my accent, it's imbedded. For those of you who missed it, I included a summary at the very bottom.

Set from The Daileigh

So, let us talk more about this whole "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" thing. I'm just going to go ahead and call it a "bestfriend" because that's what makes the most sense to me. The concept is a woman has a guy bestfriend who supports her, loves her, is her shoulder to cry on, hangs out with her, and there is no sex involved. I tend to think this is not realistic because I believe the human brain begins to wonder when you get too close to someone, plus…men are…will always be men. In my video I mentioned I have male friends who I confide in and hang out with, but there are limitations such as, we don't speak every day and I don't tell them about everything in my life, and I only hang out with them on occasion, not every week. When I do hang out with my guy friends, I'm cognizant with what I do and say around them, because again, I have boundaries and if I'm not crossing them, you won't either.

Ideally, I would love to call up a guy and say, "Wake up loser, let's go get some coffee." (calling men offensive names is a weird love language for me) or telling him to come over because my garbage disposal isn’t working and I need him to come work his handyman magic because maintenance can’t come by today (this is actually my true life right now). OR when I am out drinking too much and he comes to rescue me from myself…this is not an endearing quality of mine, but I can get a little “too much” when I drink too much. Sorry. 😖 Just give me food and water and put me in the bed. I’m a responsible adult, but I get foolish sometimes. 😇

I still think a guy bestfriend would not work for me. Even my girl bestfriends know I don't like to be bothered too much, hell even people who don't know well know I get into my distant moods. With my personality, this "guy bestfriend" would have to be okay with being ignored a lot and talked sh*t too…a lot 🥴. Sometimes I say things without emotion or laughing, but I’m not serious, it’s just my dry humor and most people don’t understand or take offense. If you are sensitive, you cannot be my friend in any way.

With any male friend no matter how close we are, I'd still have lines you can't cross. Like, you can come over and raid my fridge, but you can't lay in my bed. We can share a blanket on the couch, but your feet can't touch me. And clothes must always be on your body, this ain't a Chippendales, keep your clothes on sir, even if you're taking a shower at my place, don't come out of the bathroom without decent attire on. You have to set parameters with men, no matter you're friendship with them. Because what if I get into a relationship, and this bestfriend comes out of the bathroom shirtless, am I telling my beau, "Oh this is my bestie" ??? I'm sure that will go well 😓. And it's the same for the guy, what if he gets into a relationship and tells his lady I'm his bestfriend?....Does your dad have a female bestfriend and what does your mom (his wife) say about it? (Assuming you have an example of a healthy relationship in your life).

Because even if I were a guy's bestfriend and he's in a relationship, at that point I'd have to understand the changes in our friendship to respect his girlfriend, no matter what I think of her. I think this is what many girls DON'T DO is take a back seat when their guy friend has a new lady is his life. It's like they think it's a competition? Why? Don’t treat me like a stranger or start acting funny around me when the girl is around, I don’t respect that dumb sh*t, still act like my friend, and if she has an issue with you doing that or she doesn’t like when I’m around, it’s a problem of hers not yours. There is a way for a man to still care about his female friends without taking it too far. But most men are so aloof on how to do that, it’s a bit disappointing because women can sense when something is off. I can’t explain it, it’s one of our powers, even with men I’m involved with, I can tell when he’s not being fully upfront with me. It’s a combination of tone, verbiage, body language, and lack of certain endearments.🔮

So when my guy friends are in relationships and he’s vocal about it, tells me about her, seems to be good for him, then I’m aware of her. I have a good guy friend, not a bestfriend, we call each other about once a month and we talk about various things, but I'm always considerate of his wife. — I don't keep him on the phone long, I don't call him at unreasonable hours, and I don't ask him to come hang out. But it's a little reversed for him because I'm single, he doesn't have to think about anyone's feelings if he calls passed a certain hour or asks me to come have drinks. — He can be considerate of Me and my time as a friend but that's about it.

But if my guy friend is dating someone and he is very vague about her, then I’m not really going to be to so open to her because he’s not giving me the vibe that he’s really into her long term. See, there is a science to noticing these things with men. If she’s legit, then I’m all for her. Females should be open to the thought that if it's the right woman for him, she's going to be around a long time even if they argue and split for a bit, if she's not, then he'll figure it out, hopefully sooner than later, and then you can tease him about his poor choices in women 😆. I don't believe in bashing other females, I do believe in calling out guys on their questionable tastes and it works both ways, he can tease me too, but don't let it go too far...I'm sensitive. 😁

It's one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you put "best" in front of the word it puts a whole different meaning to it. So I don't know, I'm still a bit skeptical about this idea. Maybe I'm the weird one😕. Because if a guy is going to be this type of friend to me, he’s going to be my husband or my life long partner and there is going to be sex involved.

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Summary of the Vlog:

1. Someone said I should get a boyfriend who is not a boyfriend, someone who supports me, is my cheerleader, someone I can lean on, and who loves my unconditionally. There is NO SEX involved, so this person is not a “f” buddy or friends with benefits, but rather this a is “coddle buddy” — a person you can go to about anything without judgement and will help you through your struggles. This person is similar to a best friend but more than that, it is no one you are related to, and will most likely someone you are already friends with. I don’t think this type of man is realistic, but I’m open to the thought.

2. When I was processing this information, I thought about all the guy friends I currently have, but there is not one person, male or female, that I call on for everything. Everyone gets different bits of information and conversation topics with me. The guy friends I have are great, but I don’t go to one person for everything. I would love to, but I don’t believe I am capable with sharing all of my secrets with just one person. I also do not cross the boundaries with my current guys friends or change the dynamics for several reason: because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, because of my loyalty to certain people, because of my morals/values, and because I just don’t think of them in that manner. My current guy friends fit my life just as they are and vice versa. A friend I grew up with is very protective of me so when I talk to him about certain things, he takes more of a big brother tone. My friend “C” is a great friend and there are many factors we value about our friendship and the limitations are right where they ought to be.

3. I am still limiting the comment because at least one person keeps leaving very rude comments towards someone I know and it does not matter what my status is with a person, I do not condone talking badly about people I am connected with. I feel like I am a good judge of people and everyone has their flaws, but anyone whom I have cared about or have shared time with is an imprint on life, so to talk about them is to talk about me and saying that I made a bad judgement of character. It does not matter what horrible things someone may say about someone I know, I will make my own opinions and decisions on that person because of what I have experienced with them, NOT because of someone else’s experience with them. I think if people say something enough, then you start to believe it, which can happen and has happened with me. — I hear the same things so often, I start to wonder if they are true or not. But I’m not just a loyal friend, I’m an overall loyal person in the sense that even if I am upset, confused, or angry about something, I am not going to tear you down behind your back and I’m not going to give anyone else ammunition to spin a story that may be even further from the truth. That’s who I am.

4. Until the comments are better handled, you can send your messages through the CONTACT ME link.

Men In Style

(Comments enabled until 6pm CT second day of publication.)

DISCLAIMER: I’ll keep saying that this site is not for men, but if men choose to be here, come at your own discretion because this point of view is surely bias and if I could guess, I’d say only 10%-15% of my readers are of the male race. I do appreciate it! Anyway, here is some exciting news, in the last 3 months my site reached over 4.3 millions views! WHAT??!!! I’ll have to hire an SEO specialists to break down what all this means because I have no clue how my site is searched or found. There is an analytics tab in the admin view, but I don’t ever touch those settings. All I know to do is write, add pictures, include links that earn me commission, and make my site look presentable.

Speaking of presentable….

The styles I like on men have definitely evolved over the years. When I was in my late teens, early 20s I liked the flash mixed with a little ruggedness. Think DMX and Roc-a-Fella circa 1998. I grew up in during the hype of the underground mixtape era in the northeast, and that’s what the main 80s/90s fashion looked like - white wifebeaters or white tees, jean jackets, baggy jeans, and Timberland boots. In the winter, we wore the marshmallow coats or Starter jackets. I don’t know what the style was around that time in the south (since I leave here now) but, this was the look for us in my area.

The change in my taste parallels with the elevation I have in my own life. I am no longer a retail associate working at the mall or an entry-level customer service representative making less than 55k a year hoping for something different to happen. I am around people/men who are in higher levels of business or who are more grounded in their every day interests and who don’t sit around waiting for things to happen, they make it happen. One of my good guy friends is learning how to make and sell pipes, and he’s getting pretty good at it. Another guy friend is starting a logistics company. I’m around men who talk about stocks, real estate, business start-ups, politics, social issues, and travel which are all also my current interests. I’m still down for a crazy night on the town and foolish activities, but it’s just not as often or only on special occasions. My different girlfriend groups all have their own sense of style for men. Some like the all rugged look and others like the clean suites and ties. I am somewhere in the middle. — Be comfortable, be casual, be natural, but also be decent.

Nowadays, I like men who like to dress business casual or similar to Harvard professors - dark denim, collar shirt, and may be a good sport coat/blazer. And it’s something about a man in a turtleneck or a thin cashmere sweater 👀😍. I notice details too, the watch he wears, the shoes, the socks, and any jewelry. I don’t fare well with ripped jeans, tight pants, and no socks with dress shoes. Nor do I admire bright colors or loud patterns. I shop at places like J. Crew, Banana Republic, and Ralph Lauren for my everyday clothes, so I like men in that style range. (My outfit today is straight from the Ralph Lauren catalog. I buy men’s sweaters because I' like the fit better. It’s the same with sweatpants, I pull from the men’s section.) And I LOVE A LONG WOOL/PEA COAT! Although. I’ll still turn my neck for a fresh Timberland boot and dark wash jeans, it’s still a signature style for the northeast, it just has to fit the man right.

Toxic Envy Boutique: Search “Dreya” Dress

Here’s my breakdown of looks I think are so appealing on men:

Spring/Summer

• Light color slacks or Dark denim

• Plain fitted t-shirt or light button up collar shirt

• Casual sneakers or boat shoes

• Blazer or sport coat

• Baseball cap, paperboy hat or fedora

Fall/Winter

• Plain sweater, turtleneck, or button up shirt

• Dark denim or dark slacks

• Casual sneakers or boots

• Long wool coat with a scarf

• Fedora

I don’t know when I started doing it, but I look at the clothes before I look at the man. I think it is because I am very meticulous with how I step out that I scan what men consider being presentable. In middle school I went through a Tommy Hilfiger phase, 75% of my closet was T.H. and it helped that my aunt worked for the man. One of my guy friends in Georgia is always asking me to come out and help him to shopping for a new wardrobe. I think I told you guys in a previous post that this website used to give style tips, I don’t do that anymore but, I do share my fashion looks from time to time. Image is important to me, so is making a good impression. Yes, I can get distracted by what a man wears. I’m naturally observant and I’ll notice if he wears certain colors or types of garments often. I like a man who takes pride in his appearance, who doesn't just throw anything on before he leaves the house. I like a man who takes care of himself internally and externally.

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I Like When He...(NSFW)

*This is now available in MEMBERS ONLY.

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*That’s probably because people mistaken us for soft because we love so much.

The Submissive (NSFW)

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Set The Tone

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I’ve had this website for a long time now. It started off on Blogger in 2008 and has changed names a few times since then (IamRayaL, TheStyledMa, and currently, LoveRaya). Over the years, I have shared style tips, recipes, experiences, and learned how to monetize this site. These days I share my thoughts on life topics that include family, relationships, business, and finance. It’s also like leaving breadcrumbs so I remember what I used to do and how I used to think before becoming who I am today. With these last few weeks, remembering things (major and minor in the last few months) has been a little difficult for me to do.

I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to my readers…especially when you notice my absence from time to time. My faithful readers know that I value my privacy and only share but so much with the public.

I use Squarespace as my website host and one of the benefits is I get certain analytics and reports on the traffic on my website, what people search for, keywords, and what the most popular content is. I don’t know if my visitors are men or women or any of their background details unless I do an advanced research (that’s too much) but interestingly, the most popular content in the last 60 days have been 2 posts:

• Don’t Give Everyone Access (published Jul. 2020)

  • I talk about being exclusive and how everyone does not deserve to be around you and being aware of people who are takers.

  • It’s not selfish to want to be alone or to not want to talk about certain things with certain people.

• Men Set The Tone (published Oct. 2018)

  • I talk about how women set our standards on what we accept from a man, but a man still is the one who sets the tone in a relationship and how it will continue. The tone he sets may be influenced by the woman, influenced by his family or friends, or the tone is just his own preferences. I read somewhere that love is a chemical reaction that comes and goes, the challenge is being disciplined enough to not hurt someone when the feeling goes or reminding yourself that losing the person will hurt you just as much.

  • The emails I’ve gotten about this post reveals that no one disagrees with this logic….So fellas, you decide what type of leadership you are going to show a woman.

  • Speaking for myself, I love when a man is clear on what he wants with me and doesn’t confuse it with conversations or behaviors that contradict what he wants. He doesn’t treat me as one of his many options, he treats me as the reason. I cannot stand for a man who will not answer a direct question and leaves it open for interpretation. This tells me that he’s putting me aside to see what else is available and if he can’t find better, he’ll come back around. — Nah playboy, just keep going and take that bs elsewhere.

  • I also love for a man to take control in a way that's protective and not demeaning in the sense that he cares about me, wants the best for me, wants me to be better, and will keep me safe. Or if we are meeting at the restaurant and he gets there first or I’m running behind and he goes ahead and orders for me because he knows I'm not a picky eater. He also orders my drink because he knows what I like or wants me to try something different…yeah, that's the type of “Take Control” I like.

With both posts, the main thought is that no one can take your value from you unless you allow them to. It’s a cliché thought, but it’s absolutely true. You cannot depend on someone else to make you feel whole no matter how much you care for a person and want to hold on to them. You have to hold on to you and set your own parameters with everyone in your life.

Don’t be mistaken, I am not void of men problems or letting my emotions get the best of me. My issue in any of those types of situations is that I thought too highly of a person, higher than I thought of myself and it backfired. The reality is you will never know what someone is thinking or truly feeling and you cannot always go off of actions because those can change too. With every new experience we go through, there is a new perspective we gain and with the new perspective it can change what we do, what we say, and how to act around others.

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For Laughs

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The Perfect Man

What if you could build the perfect man?

Someone just for you. Someone who still calls you even when you are upset with each other, someone who asks if you’ve already eaten, someone who tells you he misses you, someone who compliments you in the mornings, someone who really wants to know about your day and engages in the dialogue. Wouldn’t that be great?

I don’t have much experience with relationships. There is the father of my children, before him was a man I was infatuated with and completely wrong for me, and recently, a man who I’m still figuring out. Of course there were some casual connections in between the three, some could have been more but, didn’t make lasting impressions.

In each experience with a man, there was at least one thing I loved/love about each of them. Let’s start with the man who was completely wrong for me. He was a great “hype man”. I never looked bad to him and he let me know it. He’d always compliment me, what I wore, how my hair looked, things I said, activities I did — he was a the best encourager. Always telling me to go for more. He also didn't like for other men to get too close to me, I didn't consider this being jealous because he didn’t get mad at me for it but, he wasn't shy to let other people know not to cross the line with me. And on the same accord, he didn’t display any inappropriate behavior with other women in front of me.

Next, the father of my two children (this is the most relationship experience I had with any man.) When we weren’t arguing he was very affectionate, always hugging me and kissing me. In public he toned it down but, he always would find a way to touch me. Before we got serious, I took a trip 4 hours away with my friend, it didn’t go as planned and he drove to come get me, he was dependable during our early courtship. And this may sound toxic and it most likely is but, anytime I was upset and said things out of term, he didn’t take offense and shutter away. He’d give me a day or two to cool off and then ask me “What’s up with you?”. *Also, we were both raised in the northeast, so it’s not uncommon that we ‘talk strong’ to each other and women having smart mouths isn’t necessarily considered rude, if you know what I mean. And when I was far along in my pregnancies, he’d come home and cook after working a long day because the understood it was hard for me to move around.

Lastly, the current man, not identified as a relationship but, above a friendship with lover’s activities and quarrels. We have fun conversations. We say silly things to each other and sometimes sit around and we hold deeper discussions. Also, I’m not sure if he has noticed but, there have been times where he’s shown me some of his vulnerabilities and with the type of man I know him to be, that does not happen often. I truly appreciate when he does listen to some things that I mention and makes adjustments for me. He’s also gentle when I need him to be and kisses my forehead when hugging me.

If I could pull apart the best pieces in all of these men and create one, that’d be amazing, but life doesn’t work that way and I’d have a false sense of myself if I believed there were parts of me that aren't better than others. You see, the idea of being created for someone, a soulmate, or an only love is such a fallacy. We connect with people for different reasons and purposes and we have to understand that those reasons and purposes can change. If two people can be involved and grow together without growing apart, that is a gift, a blessing. Accept that no great relationship isn’t without its hurdles. A couple who doesn’t argue is a couple with dark secrets or a couple who lacks passion and interest. Getting along is one thing but, never getting into a debate about your own thoughts and feelings would be amiss. Sometimes the best laughs come after the tears.

The perfect man is a man who sees all that you are and still wants to know more and isn’t afraid to love you.

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Equal or Special

Let’s talk about this whole equality thing for a moment. I am all for women’s empowerment and rights BUT, I do draw the line with certain topics and I am still aware that the male and female sexes don’t always travel on the same frequencies. Refer back to my previous mention of the female brain HERE.

See the text image as an example…Pink felt violated while using a gender neutral bathroom where Blue stated the misunderstanding of what Equality is and Yellow concurs with Blue…as do I.

Even when “Equal Pay” is discussed, we have to understand market segments in different regions on top of work titles, responsibilities, and cost of living. If the argument is a man and a woman are working for the same company, they have the same position with the same credentials, YES their pay should be equal. But, if you are arguing that a woman working for a private company in Texas with less that 2,000 employees vs. a man working in Alabama for a global company with over 5,000 employees with just a salary, not commission based for either, then the argument is lacking relativity.

But pay is a sensitive topic for most, so let’s move on form that. Do I prefer a women’s only bathroom? Yes. Am I okay with shared bathrooms? Yes, if it is a single stall and sink where there can only be one person at a time. Will I use a gender neutral bathroom? No, but if it is my only option then I may consider it. This isn’t just about bathrooms though, this is about how we as women want to be treated. If I am in a professional setting and having a conversation with men, don’t assume I don’t know about business practices or think that I can only relate to female topics like beauty and retail. Now on the other side of things, if I am in a social setting, I still like for doors to be opened for me. I still like for men to be gentleman and be respectful towards women.

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Here is a more personal example in thinking about Equal vs Special: Ladies, say you are seeing a guy, it’s casual you’re still getting to know each other, you hang out, you may be intimate but, overall you enjoy each other. So here is the question: Even though you two are not a couple, would you be okay if he was casually seeing other women too? My guess would be No for many women because you want to be the “Special” one. I get it. There is this stigma that when a man is playing the field he can still be desired but, if a woman has several suitors she cannot fully be trusted…and I agree BUT, I don’t find it attractive for men to be available to every and any woman. Nor do I think women she be that way either. Just my opinion, I know everyone makes their own decisions with their lives. — If you are single, do what you want but as for me, I like to have discipline and standards (because shit, I know my worth). And if I am seeing a guy who chooses to “do what he wants” then okay, I will remove myself from the scenario, because again, I do not find that attractive nor do I want to feel like I have to compete with other women. If he doesn’t know my value regardless of what title we have, then that is his lack of awareness, not mine. Plus, if someone else has the same access as me to a man, then he can choose to spend any of his availability with that person…if you are speaking to someone the same way you speak to me, if you are talking about the same things, and if you are embracing or hugging someone the same way you do to me, then again, go over there. I don’t want to be anyone's option, I’m worth someone’s reason. So if a man so chooses to give the same effort to someone else, I'm good.

Men and women are not fundamentally or socially equal, let’s be honest about that. Although, does that mean one sex should receive more benefits over the other sex? In my perspective, the equality is more about acknowledging that women are more than capable of just baring children and keeping a house clean. Give women the credit of being outspoken, contributing to society and businesses, obtaining their own success, and being able to lead similar lives to men. If I really think about it, I probably more prefer to be treated special than equal, and just be mindful of how fair you are to me as a woman.

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You're Just Stubborn

Have you ever been in a argument and you know your stance is valid but, you are also practical enough to understand that the other person’s stance is just a valid but, you still want to keep going with your opinions?….Yeah, same.

For my astrology people (I do not follow or study astrology that much so correct me in the comments section if I'm wrong about anything), I am a Taurus, an earth sign ruled by Venus; Goddess of love and beauty, likes the finer things in life, nurturing, dependable, grounded, loyal, hardworking, dedicated. I was also born in the Oxen year of the Lunar calendar which has similar characteristics traits. I’ve been told I am the most stubborn mix of all signs…a Bull and an Ox. Well, the other most hard-headed sign is Scorpios who’s presiding planet is Mars which in mythology is the God of war (funny how we connect a Scorpion with war), so these people are considered to have bad tempers and can be secretive and resentful but, it's also said they're known for their passion and loyalty and will fight for what they feel strongly about. Scorpio is also water sign so they go hand in hand with Taurus being an Earth sign and can really thrive with each other if their visions are similar or they could deplete each other…earth drying out water or water sinking earth. So help us all if I get involved with a Scorpio, it will either be WWIII or we’re building conglomerates together.

Anyway, when I hear someone call me stubborn I rather think I’m just very headstrong on what I believe and what I want…even if I’m wrong. It may take me some time to think about that the other person is feeling but, in the moment of a dispute, I can only hear my thoughts. Men are so quick to call us crazy or unstable when we are in midst of an argument but, never want to evaluate their contributions to an issue. Why is that?

Let’s first understand the female brain. There was a book published that also became a movie called, “The Female Bain” which points out that although woman’s brains are smaller, they still have the same number of brain cells as men, just in a more compact space. This was only discovered in 1995. So of course how we compartmentalize thoughts, release endorphins, cortisol, dopamine is vastly different than men.

For instance, when under stress, women like to plan and execute order, we put things where they should be and where they make sense, we organize what we can control. - This can be considered being a neat freak, micromanaging, or having OCD when really we just want some type of order in our lives. Let’s couple this with the fact that throughout history, more “socially accepted” women did better in life which is equivalent to men being successful by being aggressive and competitive. So what that translates to is women being required to be groomed, appealing, attractive, well spoken, sociable, understanding, forgiving, nurturing, and whatever the fck else history has wanted us to be, but men just have to show up and assert dominance.

BUT, when women go against any of those “expectations” mentioned above, we are called stubborn. Do you kind of see where I’m going with this? Maybe it is not me being stubborn, maybe it is the man who wants me to conform to his conveniences because it is easier for him that I comply instead of him setting aside ego and pride to compromise because compromising means to fold and folding to a woman is…unmanly. — Yeah…fck that shit. I will continue to be called stubborn because I’m not going to just say “Yes” to everything a man tells me, especially since I’ve done so much without a male counterpart, so if I have a man in my life, it’s because I want him, not because I need him.

Yet, in all fairness, there is a level of maturity and reasoning needed to be able to be in disagreement with someone and not have it become a damaging toll on how you view or feel about the person. — Then again, learning someone else’s stance on a topic can persuade and determine how close you continue to be with said person.

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So, here a little funny snippet of a text between someone and I. We were going back and forth throughout the day about something really minor and unnecessary but, since we are both the way we are it became something else. Eventually, it died down because I think we both realized how ridiculous it was to be disputing about this particular topic. — Honestly, all of our other minor disputes have been the same way where we ended up being very mellowed and back to ourselves afterwards within 24 hours. Anyhow, what was really the tipping point for me was his text (in white)… I immediately laughed, but I also got upset because he was slightly right — only because I felt like he wasn’t getting my point — but I didn’t want him to know he was right so I just sat there biting my lip wanting to respond crudely and trying to evaluate what to say and not making it seem like I needed to have the last word…so I was like “Fck, let me think before I reply right away because then it’ll just prove HIS point.” It was a painful moment for me and I’ll never admit it to him. 😭😆😂

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The Real Preference

So I got a lot of private messages and emails regarding a portion of my last post about my travels through PA/DE, specifically what I said about Northeast men. If you have not gotten a chance to read my last post, below is the snippet:

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This is a Screen Capture, but if you want to read the full details, see HERE.

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Many of the message were asking me why I have such a bias against southern and west coast men or telling me that I haven’t met the “right” southern guy yet. Let’s be clear…I DON’T HAVE ANY BIAS. My interests with men have much to do with my personal experiences with them, what made/makes me smile, and how I would like for the dynamics of my romantic relationship to be. I just like the dominant nature that many northeast men exude, that doesn’t mean I only prefer them over all or that other men are weak.

This is what I want…

I want my partner to be as confidant and as hard working as I am which means we will have our own separate schedules, but we value each other enough to still put aside some quality time and close out the world just for us. I want him to respect me enough to be protective of me when I’m not around, even when he’s upset with me. I want him not shut me down and out when problems arise. I want him to know when I’m being beside myself and to correct me in private. I want him to brush my hair back and look at me with understanding. When we are out, I want him to subtly hold my hand to remind me…“Don’t worry, I’m right here with you”. I want him to know that I adore the forehead kisses and the quiet hugs. I want him to appreciate that I’m going to be beside him and will strive towards progressing together. I want him to admire that I am my own person and welcome my ideas. I want him to know that I bring my own benefits to the relationship and that he does not need to carry us both. I want him to make decisions not just for himself, but for us. I want him to be the man in our relationship and be proud that I am his woman and not shy away at letting people know he loves me. I want him to be protective of me and what we have…and I like getting flowers randomly. — I’ve yet to come across this or even the potential of this…and I refuse to settle for someone who thinks he can be cohesive with my persona, but disregards me when things get a little difficult for his convenience.

I’m pretty observant with people and their behaviors, especially men.

I hold men of a certain caliber to a higher esteem and when they fall short, it’s rather disappointing.

If I have high standards for myself, shouldn’t I have high standards for the people around me?

P.S. - If he doesn’t read anything I write, is he really into me??? My website is no secret, so if he doesn’t take even a slight interest in something that I created, then how much does he really want to be involved in my life??? I’ve had plenty of men like me and enjoy my company, but when I mentioned my different endeavours, I got little to no feedback. It would make me feel like I was only a face to them.

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Meal Suggestion: Eggs in Purgatory

(During quarantine a few of my friends and I have been sharing meal recipes and cooking tips back and forth.)

Cook time is about 25 mins. Preheat the oven at 375 degrees F.

• 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

• 1 small red onion - diced

• 3 cloves garlic - minced

• 1 can reduced-sodium chickpeas - (I didn’t add this when I made this meal)

• 1 can  tomato pasta sauce - (24 ounces)

• 1 teaspoon dried oregano

• 1 teaspoon kosher salt

• 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes

• 5 ounces baby spinach

• 3-4 large eggs (depending on how many people are eating)

• 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese

• Chopped fresh basil

Heat the olive oil in a large, ovenproof, nonstick skillet over medium-high. Add the onion and cook, stirring often, until the onion is translucent, about 3 minutes. Add the garlic and cook just until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Stir in the tomato sauce, oregano, salt, and red pepper flakes. Bring to a simmer and let cook until slightly thickened. Stir in the spinach and let it wilt. With the back of a spoon, make 4 indentations in the sauce. Crack one egg inside of each, then sprinkle the Parmesan cheese over the whole dish.

Transfer the pan to the oven. Bake until the egg whites are set but the yolks are still soft, 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from the oven and sprinkle with fresh basil. Serve hot with baguette or garlic bread slices.

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Let Him Lead

As independent as women have become over the years either by force or by nature, we are sill NOT men. Let the men be men.

No, I am not advocating to set women back to the kitchen and to stay there, I am advocating sensible gender roles. A man is masculine; a woman is feminine. I do not mind making sure a man eats or prepare a plate for him before I feed myself, although, if he is a gentleman, he’ll make sure I eat as well.

In traditional dancing practices, men lead, correct? Men hold out their hand for the woman to lay hers upon and then the gentleman leads his lady to the dance floor to begin the waltz. As strong willed as I may be, I prefer a man to lead the way…well a man who has a good sense of direction, I won’t be led to oblivion.

Ladies, please be aware when a man is taking you the wrong direction.

• You are losing money, bills are not being paid, etc.

• You are constantly questioning his behavior or he seems unstable

• He is making you second guess yourself or your values

• He is asking you or expecting you to compromise your well being

If we share a home, I expect him to be head of the household and make choices that is best for us, although I’d like to be included in the decision making process. Even if we don’t share a home, but we are still in a committed relationship with a promising future together, I still want to be involved in what plans he may have. You see, part of being a good leader is getting input from those you are leading to ensure you make the best decisions for everyone. Talk to me about what is on your mind. Talk to me about any confusions you may have. Talk to me about an idea that could benefit us. I need for him to think things through and think about how changes would affect the both of us and our family. Yes, that IS the responsibility of leading a home, making sure we ALL come up together…otherwise, I KNOW I can do better by my damn self.

Let’s be clear, it is not only allowing him to lead, but it is also being sure that he is capable to be the leader and if he is not, should you really consider a relationship with him? Ladies, let’s not be o blinded by his image, his p——, or a few sweet gestures, that we throw out all our good sense and put him on an undeserving pedestal. There are so many great man out here, let’s not allow the unable to keep us from being able.

Times Up #MeToo

I've been reading about the Times Up movement and all the statements and articles that have been publicized.  I do agree that men should know their limits with women, I also believe they should not abuse their authority to obtain anything they want from women.

BUT....

There are still so many women who play on the fantasies with men.  The Times Up Movement is not for woman who just had a bad date or no longer interested in the a man she once allowed to knock her off in the men's bathroom at a nightclub.

No, the Movement is for those who did not have a voice when they were being violated by men of a certain stature.

Yet, I do want to mention that society plays a part in today's sexual influence; advertising food, cars, and events with half naked women.  Everything we see is highly sexualized...I mean, have you seen some of these middle-schoolers today?!  Does this excuse a man to act as he wants?  Fck no. But women need to know where to draw the line as well. 

Yes, I expect to get some backlash about this because there are flaws on both sides of the spectrum.

I've always preached that women need to hold themselves to a high degree of intelligence, professionalism, and discipline.  We CAN get what we want without laying down.  But if you want to be a hoe, go ahead and let you freak flag fly, sweetheart.  Just remember, there are consequences to your behavior.

If you decided to use your body to get ahead, how do you expect men to view you?  If you continue to allow a man to mistreat you or demand certain activities from you, why would he think that you feel wronged?  Even if the actions are morally or ethically wrong, if it is allowed to continue, what value do you have for yourself? When do you say, “Enough, I am not going to let him do this to me anymore!”?  As I read some of the stories, I wondered about their self-esteem, about their lifestyle choices, and the people around them who turned an eye.

This is not to bash women, I understand a woman being scared, feeling like no one will believe her, thinking nothing will change, or hoping that agreeing to certain advances will grant her other opportunities.  I do believe that some of these women who came forward did not have a voice at the time.  Sometimes when a woman is wronged, her basic knowledge of relationships or interactions with men is compromised; she shuts down and will not discuss anything until she feels it necessary.

But understand this...

WE WOMEN ARE A LOT MORE POWERFUL THAN SOME WANT US TO BELIEVE.

And when we band together....You betta pray your name isn't on the list.

There was a story about a medical professional abusing young gymnasts is BEYOND disgusting.  My opinions on men like that are extremely vexed.  This type of abuse of power is demeaning to our human understanding of medical professionals and their responsibility to keep us healthy.

When you use your authority to wield towards your benefit, NO, that is not justifiable.

You Don't Go Together

Just because you are "talking" to someone, doesn't mean you go together...

Ladies, if he has not asked you to be his girlfriend and you have not agreed,  you don't go together! Yes, it's like a marriage proposal, the man asks and the woman says yes or no...I'm pretty sure I've said this many, MANY, times in previous posts.

He can tell you he likes you.

He can tell you how good of a woman you are.

He can tell you that he really depends on you.

He can tell you that you're not like other women.

He can tell you he's not seeing anyone. 

He can even tell you he loves you.

BUT, if he has not asked you to be his lady, YOU. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

It doesn't matter if you had/have sex with him or if he seems like the type who doesn't sleep around, YOU. STILL. DON'T. GO. TOGETHER.

Look, I was once the woman who took many things a man said to me and ran with it. 

Yeah, he wants to be with me, he's just figuring things out right now.

No, we're really together or dating, it's just complicated.

Yeah, he really does like me, he just doesn't know how to express himself. 

LIFE LESSON: Don't run with scissors.

Here are some more signs that you don't go together...interchangeable to men and women.

• When you make it known you are having a bad day or having a rough week and (s)he doesn't check up on you or if (s)he does but, doesn't follow up.  - I'm guilty of this. I may initially express my concern, but that's it, I rarely check back for an update. BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

• (S)He doesn't respond to your calls or texts. - I'm guilty again. I'll read a message and never answer or respond days later, no matter who is reaching out to me and BECAUSE I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

• (S)He doesn't make an effort to make plans with you or spend valuable time with you. - Busy is busy but, you make time for those you want to keep in your life; I may move my schedule around for someone, but until he officially asks me, I DON'T GO WITH ANYONE.

So people, let's do our best to avoid girl/boyfriend emotions when you weren't even allowed that position.  Also hear this, If you are not legitimately in a committed relationship with someone and your feeling get hurt, that is YOUR issue not his/hers.

Committed Relationship = Two people agree that they are exclusive and working towards combining their lives and making a future together.

And don't expect your non boy/girlfriend to come coddle you or be interested in "we need to talk" or "I need closure." WTF do you want to talk about?  WTF do you need closure for?  This ain't Oprah or Dr. Phil.  

It's like you putting your food in someone's refrigerator and you tell the person he can have it if he wants it.  You're hoping that he sees this act of generosity and will return the favor with equal affections but, instead he eats all the food, says "thank you" and then leaves the dishes in the sink for you to wash, because c'mon, you will do what you can to show this person you belong there.  And now you get upset and want to have a dramatic sit down to talk about it because you feel slighted.  WHY? You created this scenario!

**In some defenses, people don't automatically see the error of their way unless it is brought to their attention but, let's not hang too heavily on this notion since he's not your boyfriend. He's just someone who is in that gray area that you want to crossover with, instead of just letting it be and allowing him to filter himself into that role or filter himself out of your life.**

But hey, what do I know, I'm just a single broad who loves my space and doesn't require much attention.  Just feed me and tell me I'm pretty every now and then.

Learn to control your own emotions, or better yet, STOP trying to coax someone into wanting to be part of your future.

You can boohoo all you want to...

and he may entertain some of your tears but, if you are not his woman...

Some people, mostly men, already do not do well with emotions, so if you start with the water works, don't expect a clear and concise resolution. 

Honesty Moment: I am not the friend you should cry to if you have a broken heart.  I'm going to point the finger to YOU, and ask you what you did to get yourself in this mess. Now if everything you tell me directly points fault to the other person then, yes, I'll coddle your hurt feelings but until then, I'm scrutinizing YOU.

Sorry, a little harsh but, sometimes I have to give you guys some tough love.  Com'ere, and read this quote below...

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Gandhi

And yes, my friends get this same verbiage from me when they do silly shit and get their emotions wrapped up in a man who's not their boyfriend.

She Did WHAT?!

Ladies, I don't want to judge but, I just cannot get my brain to wrap around the idea of it being "acceptable" for a woman to propose...

Let's just go ahead and emasculate a man completely and get down on one knee with a box from Jared's....

Let us women just take control of the relationship and weaken a man's dignity...

So, who is going to go dress shopping with him and make sure his figure looks great in a fitted gown?  Will he get french tips?  How high should his heels be?  Which bouquet will he pick out?  Will you cry when you see him walk towards you down the aisle with his hair and makeup all done?

Can you grasp my discontentment of this whole idea?

It is NOT MY PLACE to ask a man to be my husband.  I feel the same way about a woman proposing a relationship (if you've been reading my previous post, you already know this.)

Yes, I believe in a trusted and sacred union of two people but, I also believe a man's role is separate from a woman's role when it comes to being in this union.  We are equal in heart and can mentally balance each other but, a woman's position is not the same as a man's. 

I look to a man to lead us into a relationship further leading us into marriage.  However he decides to begin that path is mainly for his benefit, I either take the path with him and accepted what I am compromising or walk alone in another direction.

And let me not start on the men who allow their women to drop down on one knee to propose to them. Something in the relationship occurred or behaviors the man has displayed let his woman know that she has to take the first step to becoming husband and wife.  Maybe I'm too old school, maybe I need to get with the times, maybe I should just go sit my single ass down somewhere, but I will not and I repeat, I WILL NOT ASK A MAN FOR HIS HAND IN MARRIAGE!

Have a Strong Presence

A woman should never feel the need to be the "man" in the relationship.  Nor should a man be so inadequate that he allows a woman to dominate the relationship.

I have a strong personality but, I am not going to allow it to overshadow my partner and if there is a situation where I am too forthright in my opinions or actions without considering him, then I need him to call me out on it.  Don't disrespected me, but let me know that I overstepped my boundaries. 

And if I am not hearing you, find a way to help me understand, because if you back away, avoid addressing it, or just give in, then who is the head of this relationship? And why should this relationship continue if you don't want to make an effort?

Be proud of me and step in if I drift of into doing, saying, or being someone who may cause more concern than comfort.  Don't just be with me...be present with me.  Sometimes people can notice hairline cracks without anyone pointing them out. — I don't want cracks in my relationship…or a least I don’t want not significant enough for others to see.

A. MAN. SETS. THE. TONE. IN. THE. RELATIONSHIP.

As strong willed as I am, I am NOT the head of the relationship or household.  I will put aside bearings to allow a man to lead me...he may have to put me in my place a few times...respectfully...but, my place as a woman is not the same place of a man.

Even though I believe both people equally make a relationship work, I can empathize if a woman decides to be the one to make the adjustments to suit a man's life, ONLY IF she feels truly loved, protected, and provided for spiritually. 

A woman will do anything for a man when she feels loved...But ladies, let's not let the love blind us into making foolish decisions that leave us with egg on our faces.  Always remain smart about what you are willing and able to do.  If he loves you, he will understand and not put you in a position where you need balance what he wants and what you are not comfortable with.

High Expectations

If my topics are becoming redundant, it's because people keep doing the same things, so I have to keep these thoughts in rotation....

Never be the woman who demands a man to think about her ⚠.

We tend to create expectations for people we barley know.  We expect them to be considerate of our feelings.  We expect them to reach out to us often.  We expect them to make time for us.  Why?  What if this person does not want the same things or have the same plans?  What do you want that is opposed to what he or she wants? What did you misinterpret? 

Sometimes it's not the men, it's the women who have premeditated expectations or demands of him. (Yes, my sisters, we must take some blame for our heartache.)

The only expectation I have of a man is for him to be a man per his own definition. 🔀: Then it is my discretion to accept the man as he is because I refuse to invest time into changing someone who has his own thoughts and plans. ⛔: Unless you are already committed to one another and both identify that things need to change, the "We need to talk" can fall on deaf ears.  ℹ : And the list that you want to discuss, go over, and revisit is probably last on his mind, he may entertain it but, it's not his focus. Especially, if he has many things going on in his life that doesn't require you.

Many incidences result to: She says they're dating but, he says they're just hanging out. She is more involved than he.  Pay attention to your perspective in conjunction with his.

I have discussed with several friends about their experienced and I never just look at their side of the story.  I consider the other the possibilities of their thoughts or feelings and my response is not always in favor of my friends.

You shouldn't have to ask "What are we?" (I've only ever asked that once. I was 18 then.)  A man who knows what he wants or doesn't want will make it clear.  And if things aren't transparent, he may still be figuring out parts of his life, you can chose to hang on or you can continue your life unaffected.  And if you can subdue your 'crazy' then you can do both.

The only time I had certain expectations of a man was when it was clear that we were in a relationship and had plans to grow together.  And friends who knew me through this part of my life knew I went through the hell and high water! 📉😤

Go On

Ummmmmm....I'm not going to say I do this and I'm not going to say I don't do this.  What I will say is that sometimes learning people is about strategy.  Especially when conflict arises, observe what they do, what they say, how they say it, and how they react to your responses, if you give any, in which case, how they react to your silence.  Take mental notes and access your conclusion.  Then decide whether a person is interesting enough to learn more of or if a person needs to become an absent thought.

Conflicts can allow you to see a different side of a person.  Are they stable enough to decipher all parts and still protect their involvement with you or do they get so caught up in their emotions and go rouge that there is no longer a filter to what they say.  Usually, when someone lashes out without pausing to listen, they are showing you all you need to see.  Just sit there and let them feel like they are being heard while you are thinking up the fastest exit out of this connection.

I believe I've had enough serious, life changing conflicts to not want to entertain any silly or minuscule ones.  So I don't, especially with men...What?...Would you rather me be passive aggressive the next time I see a guy who I digressed from and I act like there is no issue but yet, I proceed to make comments to him and handle him in such a way that discretely digs into his hidden insecurities subconsciously making him wish he never said or did anything wrong to me, all while I am smiling, flipping my hair, and sipping on my drink?...Not saying I've done that before...But, a man who wears a mask and takes it off, won't ever have to put that mask back on for me again.....like this dude...

I need to start making a collage of massages like this.  I do not know why they feel the need to make it known "It's cool, I'm not bothered."...Okay, so why am I getting this kind of message from you?...Some men get so beside themselves and behave like women.  I am fine with a man being expressive and having feelings but, I really give my stale face (-_-) to men who react this way after only a few conversations with me.

This message in particular was from an older gentleman, I knew how old he was before I agreed to meet him...so, I don't know where he is coming from by mentioning his age....I was even the one who suggested on meeting for lunch and he thought of the location.  During our meal he mentioned that he was not looking to be serious with anyone, just wanted to mingle and have fun.  He seemed very hedonistic about it.  He said he just likes to be out and enjoy himself.  I had no issues with that since I am not one to jump into any type of relationship....so, I am a bit confused with his statement of knowing who he is and what he can offer a woman...huh?...Again, no clue where he is coming from with that.  

I also learned that he worked overnights and usually has a busy schedule.  I told him to let me know when he was available and we can hang out again.  I heard from him a few times after our lunch but, he never attempted to make plans with me, I guess he thought I would make the first suggestion again....you know my views on this, a man must take the lead when learning a woman....And him being "so observant" by saying I like thugs and worthless men is derived off pictures he seen of me taken with my two of my male friends, who were dressed in polos and jeans and one of them had a baseball cap on.  Mind you, both of my friends are muscular and very diesel looking BUT, they are far from being thugs or worthless.  As a matter of fact, they both have stable jobs, their own vehicles, their own places, very much involved with their children, very respectful to women, and not to mention, the night I hung out with them, they both checked up on me to make sure I made it home just fine....and yet, this man had a few quirks about him that was a bit questionable but, let me not judge him for what he is not aware of...because "Classy I am!"  So again, once the mask comes off, do not bother putting it back on.

P.S. - This is mainly why I hate doing one on one meet and greets or "dates". 

Different Languages

What did Tevin Campbell say? "Can we talk for a minute?"

Let's face it, men and women speak different languages, whether it is family, friends, or lovers.  A man may not receive what I say how I delivered it to mean and I cannot assume he will automatically know the intent of my words.  Yet, what I can be aware of is the person of whom I am speaking with.  Depending on your audience, you may have to adjust your speech, the words you use, the tone you use them in, your expressions, your body language, all of that, so there is no misunderstanding but, again....different languages.

So, what if the conversation is through text and someone misinterpreted the meaning of your message?  Again, know your audience, although, in the same sense, your audience should know you as well.  Either way, depending on the connection you have with said person, you may need to decipher whether or not it is worth explaining your meaning or intent.  If the one who misunderstood, lashed out before any clarity, then I suggest accessing the reality of this person in true form and not even invest anymore thought in communicating at all.  Why continue to look at your dirty hands when you can just wash them clean?  Buuuut...it's not my business how you communicate or how frequently you communicate with silly people.  Carrying on...

I have realized that some men tend to forget they are speaking with a woman and say things that just make NO SENSE AT ALL! (Okay, I know I have male readers, I am not a man, so my perspective is purely of a woman and my experiences with your kind.  Sorry but, not really.) And I find myself giving a sideways look or reaction as if to say, "Did this just happen?  Am I slow?  Did I miss something?  Is he speaking to me like that?  Is he serious?"...Then my mind wanders elsewhere..."I wonder if my dry cleaning is done.  Did I pay my car note yet?  What did my boss want me to do tomorrow?"

Here is my disclaimer: I am going to be very frank to any man who is reading this and any man I come across, I don't do the dramatics especially if you are a MAN.  Yes, at times I am overzealous, facetious, and nonchalant, not for reasons of being a woman but, for reasons of where I am at in my life right now.  And YES, I can be dramatic if I want to, why? BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN, it is in my nature and in my contract with God to be an emotional mess when necessary or unnecessary.  Unfair?  Oh well, write a book or pray about it.  And I know for damn sure I am not quiet about my opinions on love and romance at this point in my juncture; ask any man who has had a conversation with me about it.  So if you have an issue, state it.  Whether you feel I am being cold, insensitive, selfish, spoiled, stubborn, whatever, tell me but, please collect your thoughts before hand and make sure your monologue is something I will be receptive to....if I do not respond, WAIT.  DO NOT begin to assume anything of what I may be thinking.  I guarantee you cannot fathom how my thought process works.

If a good amount of time goes by and I do not respond, then contact me again, because if you were not aware, let me educate you, I work, I have two children, I maintain a website, I read, I study, I have friends, I socialize, I live my life accordingly and there is a possible chance that I did not have time to answer you.  Yet, if I consider you a genuine friend, someone I can see a steady connection with, then I do make a point to set time aside to respond (Note: This list of men who I consider in this manner is very small...more like one person whom has been very patient with me, accepts who and where I am in my life at this moment, so yes, this one man does get very thoughtful and thorough words from me and has been just as consistent with his communication towards me.  I do have other guy friends I catch up with from time to time but, they are in a different category from this particular man).

Also make note, I will prolong my response to you if you were in anyway demeaning, aggressive, or shown me a completely unappealing side of you, in which case I may never respond.  So speak to me in the language that YOU feel is correct as a man and I will speak to you in the language that I feel is correct as a woman.  If there is misunderstanding, address it and be patient, or let it all the way go.  I use myself as the reference since I cannot speak for all women but, the many I know concur with these thoughts. 

Adding to the topic of interpretation....

What say you of this? Initially when I read it, I did not understand the meaning but, the statement is left open for you to distinguish your own meaning.

My view of it is both men are behind masks so anyone's face could be under that mask.  Batman represents heroism, doing good for others, making the right decisions, and everything we are taught as children to do or be mindful of.  The Joker on the other hand, represents everything else.  I do not necessarily see him as the face of evil but, more so the face of reality......the reality that the world is not as perfect once we walk pass our mailboxes.  The reality that the world contains so much more chaos then we would like it to have and not everyone is a hero at all times.....not even Batman.  And while you are letting that sink in, let me add another thought for your cerebrum....Batman is always so serious even as Bruce Wayne, just very stern, while Joker is always smiling even when being defeated....and they both seem to have an equal amount of weight on their shoulders.  Yup, let that marinate.

Speaking of marinate...
I was elected to cook this weekend....yup, while I was away from home but, my friend was away from home as well, so no, I did not mind at all especially since the request was pork chops!  Que in Lionel Richie...Hello...

Chivalry

I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead. 
I also refuse to believe that only the elder generation practice it.

I'm all for women being independent and managing their own homes, jobs, finances, families, etc.  It's awesome but, we are still WOMEN and as for myself, I still like for him to open the door and extend his hand to help me out.  Is it necessary?  No but, the gesture is appreciated.  Also, another tiny thing I admire is when he opens the door to let me walk in first and as I am walking in, his hand is slightly behind my waist as if to signifying 1. I am his company 2. If there is someone or something that's in my way he can just pull me out of caution. I guess I would consider that a "protective" gesture.

In casual settings around friends and family, chivalry doesn't have to be as prominent but, still considered.  Come stand with me if I am conversing with people and join the conversation or just see how I'm doing. Show light affection like a forehead kiss or half hug (for serious couples) or a simple back caress and move on.  Just show subtle acknowledgements that I am there with you.

I've also noticed, with some of my male friends, they insist on walking on the "outside" of a sidewalk (closer to the street) when walking with a woman. A woman who does not know the importance of this was not taught right or is used to the wrong type of man...I cannot recall if my ex did this since I have gotten used to blocking him out of memory but, considering I cannot think of any chivalrous gestures, he probably did not display any. But, let's not cry me a river...I've learned better.
We also must take into account that if a woman wants a man to be chivalrous, she has to be worthy of it and carry herself like a lady.  It's only right. Why should he accommodate you if you have a funky attitude and is ungrateful to him.

Good Men

Look, we can sit here and man bash until we run out of words, but the reality is not all men are liars, cheaters, egotistical, losers, who are just focused on their next conquest. We women choose who we are attracted to. Sometimes we are not attracted to the good ones and I raise my hand on this one. YES, there are good men who are single and want to settle down with a good woman. Are you worthy of a good man? Think about it before answering. Do you carry yourself in such a way that he can be proud to have you by his side? That his family can be proud? That his friends respect? A woman he can seek comfort in without judgement or criticism? Do you invoke intrinsic thoughts or are you just...eye candy?

Let's be honest, we analyze everything about a man, from his attire to his demeanor around other people. We subconsciously question his every move, "Why did he turn his phone over?". We search for things we have no reason to search for. We look passed red flags hoping our intuitions are wrong. We CREATE red flags that are irrelevant. Sometimes, we, yes, WOMEN, can be the source of our relationship failures whether we know early on if the man is no good but we still pursue or if he just seems too good to be true and we look for flaws. WHY?

STOP IT.

Once you see something that you know will become a major problem, address it but, don't magnify something that is minuscule, like him not calling you or texting you everyday. He does have a life, he could very well be busy. Especially if you two just met, you have to give it time to learn each other's languages before jumping to conclusions and yes, I have been guilty of this. I've assumed and I've fabricated complete stories in my head on why a man has not called and it's silly! You know you're great, give him time to know it too, if not, hey, someone else will see what he didn't. That's just the reality of dating. If you are already in a relationship and have "language" problems, then most likely you looked passed certain issues before having an understanding or you jumped into the relationship too soon.

Also, you must learn that being wrong isn't being weak (as stubborn and as strong willed as I am, I have learned to identify when I need to back down and let him say what he has to say and accept it. It's not just about me and what I think and what I think isn't always accurate.) I was recently brought back to a realist perception after I made comments to a man that insinuated he was placing me in an unflattering category. He responded with statements that made me quiet and realize that I was making accusations without significant cause. I backed down, apologized, and said he was right.

Before anything, you two are supposed to be friends. Ask yourself, Is this a friend you want to keep long-term or do you feel the bond will digress over time? In which case you either need to invest smart or withdraw quickly.

Testing Him

I am not positive if these are truly his words but, let's not focus on that:

It is very endearing for a man to show he is interested in a woman and shows that he wants her in his life. Yes, we like for men to earn us, to fight for us, to stand by us, to understand us, to comfort us, to admire us, and to love us.  I like flowers, I like "You're beautiful" text messages, to be held, to be tended to, to be introduced to his colleagues, to be looked at with sincerity....I LOVE ALL OF THAT!  But, I will not have that, if I keep pushing away because he may eventually stop pulling. (Please note that there is no man in particular I am speaking of, it's just a generalization.)  A man is still human and has his limits just like we have ours.

Those of us who have been through chaos will not be so willing to let a man have all of us but, we have to slowly allow our walls to break down to let love back in.  If a man has sincere interest, he will help you break down the wall but, don't allow one brick to crumble just to lay another brick behind it.  No, we don't always like to be vulnerable but sometimes being vulnerable gives opportunities for someone to make us smile.  We can't always turn the cold shoulder on those who want us. 

There's no need to always test him.  If he gives you his time, loyalty, and respect, why question his interest?....you already have it.  Trust me, I am as inquiring as they come and I "Why?" everything.  I notice myself doing it less because that crazy earnest feeling to know every detail is digressing slowly from my persona; I am learning to accept and not doubt the good in a man.  Yes, certain experiences from my last relationship has me cautious and hesitant but, I am not going to allow those bad memories deter me from making great memories with someone amazing. 

Don't let a good one go just because you can't let go of past hurt. Grow to #LOVE