“Hey bighead.”

I love all the positive energy I am getting from many of you about my whatever situation it is. Instead of you guy saying fck that person, you guys are really saying good things. I do not know how many of you are long term here, but it kind of feels like you are growing with me. And yes, to agree with most of you, there’s always opportunities for reconciliation and resolution. Within my situation, I am not sure how possible that is, but we would both want to reconcile and one of us will need to break the ice and I could be wrong, but I feel that over the years, I have extended the olive branch many times over, this time, I think I am all out of taking the first step. Is that wrong to feel that way?

One of you said, “Send a text saying Hey bighead!” 🤣

I think the only contributing variable in a possible reconciliation is the fact we have friends in common with whom I am close to and I have gotten closer to a few ever since the smoke cleared. The friends maintain a mutual stance. They do not say anything wayward and I don’t say much about it either. I think they just have this unspoken understanding that they are just to stand by and let everything take its natural course. I respect that. I don’t like people feeling like they have to take stake in a matter that doesn’t directly involve them. And with these friends, I never could have imagined that I’d become so close to them. We all just naturally gravitated to each other. They’ve held on to me and I've held on to them. And sometimes they just randomly check on me. I was talking to one of them over the weekend and telling him that I’ve been stressed about the IRB process with my dissertation research and he says to me that if I need to block all of them for a year, they support it, but he also said that if I want to take my mind off it for a bit then we can hangout, get some food and drinks, and help me relax. I fckn love these people! Even when I don't say I’m stressed, they can hear it in my voice, they know how to read me and it's crazy because my relationship with them is far different from the relationship I have with the person we know, like that person should know how to read me and pick up on things.

And I mention previously that this person never really took the genuine time and energy to really know me, so how could they have ever loved me? I know the friends genuinely love me because they’ll say things to me that I didn’t even realized they even noticed about me, so I know they have been paying attention to who I am. I don’t think I can recall a moment where this person said something that let me know they see me. Which again, makes me sad to think about it. ❤️‍🩹

Of course this is just a small subset of my life compared to what is all on my plate, so it does not take up a lot of headspace, but there is space for it. I’m not one of those people who is like, “You’re nothing to me. Stay out of my life.” I think people who are like that are fighting demons within themselves and just don’t know how to compose themselves in a good manner. Yes, there are more pressing matters for me to address, and I’m not going to see about this unless it’s presented to me, but I am also not going to be childish about it. Children act out, adults don’t.

We get to a point in our lives where even though we may not care the same way about something, we still don’t need to be heartless about it regardless of what the other person has done or said. The last actual conversation I had with the person was not a great one and they said some cruel things, but to what purpose? I don’t know the answer to that, do what you want, at the end of the day, that’s not the type of energy I have. Bad energy is beneath me. And I told the friends the same thing. I have no mean words to say to anyone or about anyone. Let them do what they want to do. If they want to act foolish, let them. If they want to to civilized, let them. The only thing we can control is what decisions we make, not what decision other people make. Because when I meet my maker, I’m want to be confident that I did my best with people, whether there is a reconciliation or not. Should that be a goal, I mean I guess in some aspect, but either way I know who I am. I am not putting on a facade for people, I am not trying to prove anything other than that fact that I can be better and I am better. ✨️

And that’s what you have to remember for yourself. Let people act the way they want to, but you make sure you can be proud of yourself. If someone wants to mend anything with you, try to be open to it, but set boundaries. You don’t have to give anyone the same version of you that they took for granted. That’s on them. The Ex doesn’t get that same version of me. The Athlete doesn’t get the same version of me. But neither of them or getting a poor version of me, they are just getting a readjusted version where there’s new barriers. Are you guys following what I am saying? If you can be on good terms with someone, do it. But you are not required to put yourself in the same place to possibly get hurt again. 😕

I don’t want to get religious with you all, but I am a believer. I believe in the universe. I believe in the fact that people will show who they are based on what they are going through at the moment. If they are showing tension, it’s likely they are getting tension from another part of their lives. You just have to learn how to not be the type of person to transfer tension to others. I am also a prayer. I pray a lot and I rarely pray for myself. All of my prayers are in thoughts of other people. I pray for people to love and I pray for people to heal. I cannot make someone see me or see me in the eyes of someone who loves me. But I can pray that they strengthen their hearts to develop an understanding of what love can do for people when it’s genuine. Because there's so much love people are giving that’s temporary, superficial, and conditional and that's because many people don't understand their emotions so they act instinctively and don't think about what it is that their souls really need. ❤️

Be safe everyone. 🙏🏽