“If you can’t learn to laugh at yourself or uncomfortable situations, your soul needs adjusting.”

I like to read a lot, not just for study, but just for leisure and I’ve noticed many authors insert themselves into their stories in one way or another. Now, I am not claiming to be an author, but I do share pieces of my life with you guys. For instance, the other day I was sitting at the bar doing work…yes, I am that type of square. Hey, someone will appreciate my hustle…anyway, I was writing in my notebook and a friend came up to me to say hi. This same friend is someone I made attempts to call to check on him and left my calls unanswered and when I mentioned it to him, you wanna know what this man said to me???? — “I was in my zone.” — Now, I didn’t say what I wanted to say, because I wanted to say, “Oh so you didn’t respond to your other friends either? Or you just had an issue responding to me?” Nope, I kept it pleasant and accepted the answer he gave me. But, this mthrfckr (and I say that with love, because I have nothing against him) but this mthrfckr was really trying to downplay how well we know each other. So I’m like okay, sir, tell me what you want to, I hope that answer made you feel good, I’m not going to make a fuss about it. I was just taken back with that excuse. I’m in my zone too, but I still reach out to people.

Anyway, that’s not the topic here. The topic is one from last month where a reader shared their thoughts on. In the post called “Are You Seeing Someone” we talked about how people don’t share if they are involved with someone and some reasons why they don’t want people knowing they are involved. Remember, there is a difference between not talking about your relationship vs. not admitting you are in a relationship. So the reader gave me a scenario to put myself in. Say I was intimate with someone but, did not tell people or certain people, what would be my reason? And the reader claims one of the main reasons is that I would be keeping the opportunity open for someone else and that I am really just passing the time with the person I am currently intimate with. And this made me think: Is this the underlying reason for us to keep some people a secret? Because we are anticipating for something to happen with someone else?

Now, I am still being selfish with myself….yeah, none of those dates went anywhere…and I’m okay with that, but let’s say for example I become intimate with the 20 something I told you guys about (I’m sorry if you guys are getting annoyed with hearing about him, but’s he’s the only one who has put aside his pride and consistently expressed that he wants me, and I do admire that in any man.) I already know it’s not going to be anything serious because I cannot give him all that he wants, so if a man of my level comes into my life, would I be more likely not to share with him that I have a lover so that I don’t risk him becoming distant from me? It does seem logical, even though it is not completely the right thing to do. I think it’s a matter of chances. Do I chance telling him I am sleeping with someone even though it’s not serious, in hopes that he may become serious with me? So then I would be in a sort of triangle playing with people’s emotions. — I cannot do that.

Why is this so complicated? See this is why I still think a “Homie-Lover-Friend” is the best option for me, but the only problem is all my homies are deeply involved or firmly married and I don’t get in between things like that or I have certain boundaries with some of them that I will not cross. But I also have to be honest with myself. With all that I have going on, can I really give enough attention to a relationship right now? Honest answer: NO. I mean, I just told you guys I was working at the bar. There’s big projects I’m overseeing with work and I have my own project I’m developing for school, not to mention my family dynamics and my first born going off to college in the fall, so I’d really need someone not to feel slighted or unwanted when I am on tunnel vision or when I’m giving my attention to other things.

And I want to be able to relax with someone and not be accused of not caring because I am not making enough time for him. I am loyal to a default, if I am sleeping with a man, he’s the only man I’m sleeping with unless I decide otherwise and make it clear that it’s done. You can see my hanging out with a bunch of random men or even just my guy friends and make assumptions, but I will still only be sleeping with one man. I actually had a relative conversation with one of my guy friends about not introducing him or other guy friends to anyone I’m seeing. I told him I probably could not bring someone I am sleeping around our unique group of male friends because they are very affectionate and flirtatious with me. The hug on me and always make sure I have a drink in my hand and that I’m enjoying myself. So unless the man I am seeing already knows these guys personally, he would think something inappropriate was going on with one of them.

I also want someone who takes interest in what I am doing. Like if I tell him what my research topic is for my degree, I’d love him to give me some suggestions or even point me to some contacts that could benefit my research. These are things that are important to me, but I won’t be one-sided, I’ll be invested in things important to him too. I want a mutual support of each others goals. If he doesn’t talk about his ambitions or want my input, then yeah it will be one-sided. I can’t engage if he doesn’t give me anything to engage with.

I think I lost track of the initial topic…if I am sleeping with someone and I am not telling a certain man or people that I have someone intimate, then would be fair to say that I am trying to avoid the conflict of someone not taking interest in me because they’ll think I am already in a relationship? Is this how it’s supposed to work?