“Sometimes we lose each other, but we don’t stay lost.”

In my last topic I gave a little shoutout to a special reader/listener, in this topic, I am going to focus more on this particular reader/listener. This person expressed a slight discernment of some of the things I was saying and felt I was being unfair with my content and believes I vehemently dislike them which is very far from the truth. I let the person know that I utilize my critical thinking using more social verbiage as I speak about my perception of interactions that I experienced.

I am going to refer to this person as “Poppa” which is actually the nickname I gave him very early on and Poppa is someone who I have interesting experiences with. All the experiences were not great, but not everything is always great, right? And I hate that he only sees my reflections as being all negative as opposed to being constructive and a way of learning certain antidotes on how to be with people and I don’t think he gets my humor sometimes. But I realized something the other day, we have become a bit critical of each other. Poppa, this is something I don’t think either one us is willing to admit that we created a sort of barrier and it infuses our good and bad over the years.

In the beginning, we had a sort of unspoken understanding that we are just going to the enjoy the moment and our geographical distance allowed us to stay fond of each other and during these times we gave each other a lot of praises and the element of mystery was not an issue.

In recent years, our geographics changed and we had more frequent face-to-face interactions. The recent years is where some of our not so great experiences came to surface and I reflect on those experiences a few times throughout the topics. I don’t think I discuss him any more or less than I discuss my relations with other people I know. And I do try to keep things open-ended and make it clear that it’s my opinion and not confirming it as the right opinion, because we all have our own ideas and perceptions on what is accurate depending on our feelings and values. Within the recent years, we had a period where we got a little closer than before. During this time, he was catering and attentive, much like how I first met him.

But here is where I think the conflict is. We are almost equal opposites in the sense that we have similar tastes in music - I always poke at him for wondering how good his ears are. We practice similar ideas of relaxing and having a good time - we welcome people and want everyone around us to enjoy themselves and Poppa, you won’t like to hear this, but people do notice one you are giving someone extra attention. Lastly, we are both established in our individual lives. With all that in mind, we are also very strong-minded in our views. I’m just going to use the word stubborn because, Yes, Poppa it can be like the pot calling the kettle black with me and you.

We both like our space and time to decompress from people which can seem like we are being emotionally dry or distant, I don’t believe our intention is to be cold towards people, but sometimes we just need to disconnect. And the time when we were a little closer, there were moments when I wanted to connect and he didn’t and vice versa and our distant behaviors ended up being filled with other things that did not help us stay close and I know he won’t admit this, but I didn’t like it when he tried to downplay his friendship with a girl that I questioned him about a few times and a few other things he did that hurt my feelings.

Although, in my experience with him, I did learn that sometimes people phase in and out and we are an example of that. Sometimes we are very engaged, sometimes we are not. For instance there have been recent conversations with him where I think, Hmmm, that’s something new…and it really caught my attention. Like when he told me about a community service project he was part of and a few days ago he slightly mentioned he was mentoring. Poppa, I love these things! And I also appreciated when he and I bonded over a mutual friend of ours where Poppa called me to let me know what happened and a few days later we both sat together and reflected on our friend’s situation. I thought that was a sentimental moment.

So even though Poppa thinks I don’t like him or always attacking him, those are just small impressions to what I really think of him, it’s like 5% of his 95%. Yes, Poppa, I do get a little brash with you when you do things that harm your caliber. But, I also know that you have to process things though just like anyone else.

It is kind of like seeing someone walk across a street without looking both ways and you are just hoping the reach the other side unharmed. And I am not saying Poppa is careless person, sometimes I’m just like, “Baby, please think about this some more before you get ahead of yourself!” I also appreciate the company he has in regards to his college friends. I’ve gotten to know them over the years too and I love all that they are. And if I am being honest, my love for the friends is slightly different than the love I have for Poppa because he and I have different experiences with each other and most of the friends don’t fully know those details. And that’s another similarity we both share, we like our privacy, although his definition of privacy is a little different from mine.

So to my special reader/listener: Poppa you are great, I hate that you take my sentiments as negative jabs. Don’t assume that any of my reflections is a permanent mark of how I think of you. Because overall, I enjoy when we talk without restrictions and expectations. Now, if I start flirting with you, don’t act funny, because talking shit to you has been an issue. Enjoy your day, my love.